a question worth asking

people often search for silence
and there is where they find their answers

so by my finding answers in music
what does that mean

maybe i should try it in silence as well
and see how that goes

so
to the moments
where one finds no inspiration
in anything
to the times without pen or paper
and so much to write
to the great songs in
unfamiliar territorry
the times where passion
does infact translate into action
when feelings are expressed and
go unreciprocated
to the spelling and gramatical errs
and the beauty and honesty they create
to every moment
in a life

because they were supposed to happen as such
and there is nothing we can do about changing them

so just learn from them

maybe things are as simple as they seem

time to stop over analyzing?

answer is unclear

struggling to write
not in the moment
but in life
i find myself

on a grey december morning
with echoes of songs once sung
and ideas of what lost is

i have surrounded myself
with piles and walls
serving what purpose?

its amazing that the body
can go from content to cold
with such little change

am i ready to do this
to do what is completely necessary?

is there anyway i can truthfully know
any of the answers to my questions

how can i be for sure

is there a way to make sure
is there a way to turn this insecurity
in my future
into security of action?

hindsight is always 20/20
and things never end perfectly
dont you wish you could ask questions
in any matter
with any person

would that help
or would that hurt

even if its 20 years later, what about 1 more minute with a person
to ask anything
to say anything
hello goodbye god loves you
just anything

would it be better take it
or to go without

these are questions worth asking

weaker moments
prideless moments
crying out to what seems no one
reaching out from someone

but whether to give into myself
and commit an act upon myself
that i later will abhor

to stick to my convictions
when i say that i will not drink
but then
to turn instead
to pills
to lull me into a haze and lucid area

-----------------------------------------------

why is it
when i am stressed i can think to write
the moments that show me having a "GREAT" day
they drive me to write
for it feels in those moments
that no person is there to comfort me

------------------

why cant i forgive andy
what is the key to this
should i continue to hope
and hold on to next to nothing
which is what is left
or maybe i should let go
and never think to apologize
or also to be apologized to
as well
do i really want the friend?

-------------------------

i dont have the energy it seems
to do much of anything
interactions with people are lacking
lacking waht i think and say
my butting in into situations
my writing of wrongs

they are lacking
even for myself

even alone

i have too little energy

how often do you run the line
that line when you know what you are doing
just might hurt you
knowing that it might sting
or burn
or maybe even bleed
but you choose to do it anyway
even though it will hurt
but you arent doing something to inflict the pain

now how often
do you choose not to get help
and do you ignore that
by not gettin help
you are in fact hurting yourself
but for some reason
you dont take those steps
to just help yourself
and maybe
just maybe
if you took those steps
they could be easier to take every time you woul ever have to think
about taking them?

i will be back. soon. i am just sorting things out.

[SHEILA]
Daddy always thought that he married beneath him.
That's what he said, that's what he said.
When he proposed he informed my mother
He was probably her very last chance.
And though she was twenty-two,
Though she was twenty-two,
Though she was twenty-two,
She married him.

Life with my dad wasn't ever a picnic
More like a "Come as you are."
When I was five I remember my mother
Dug earrings out of the car
I knew they weren't hers, But it wasn't
Something you'd want to discuss.
He wasn't warm.
Well, not to her.
Well, not to us

But
Everything was beautiful at the ballet.
Graceful men lift lovely girls in white.
Yes,
Everything was beautiful at ballet.
Hey!
I was happy... at the ballet.

That's why I started class...

Up a steep and very narrow stairway.

[SHEILA AND BEBE]
To the voice like a metronome.
Up a steep and very narrow stairway.

[SHEILA]
It wasn't paradise...

[BEBE]
It wasn't paradise...

[SHEILA AND BEBE]
It wasn't paradise...

[SHEILA]
But it was home.

[BEBE]
Mother always said I'd be very attractive
When I grew up, when I grew up.
"Diff'rent," she said, "With a special something
And a very, very personal flair."
And though I was eight or nine,
Though I was eight or nine,
Though I was eight or nine,
I hated her.
Now,

"Diff'rent" is nice, but it sure isn't pretty.
"Pretty" is what it's about.
I never met anyone who was "diff'rent"
Who couldn't figure that out.
So beautiful I'd never lived to see.
But it was clear,
If not to her,
Well, then... to me...
That ...

[MAGGIE AND BEBE]
Everyone is beautiful at the ballet.
Every prince has got to have his swan.
Yes,
Everyone is beautiful at the ballet.

[MAGGIE]
Hey!...

[BEBE]
I was pretty...

[SHEILA]
At the ballet

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
Up a steep and very narrow stairway
To the voice like a metronome.
Up a steep and very narrow stairway

[MAGGIE]
It wasn't paradise...

[BEBE]
It wasn't paradise...

[SHEILA]
It wasn't paradise...

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
But it was home.

[MAGGIE (Spoken)]
I don't know what they were for or against, really,
except each other.
I mean I was born to save their marriage
but when my father came to pick my mother up
at the hospital
he said, "Well, I thought this was going to help.
but I guess it's not..."
Anyway, I did have a fantastic fantasy life.
I used to dance around the living room
with my arms up like this
My fantasy was that I was an Indian Chief...
And he'd say to me,
"Maggie, do you wanna dance?"
And I'd say, "Daddy, I would love to dance!"

[SHEILA AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo-doo

[BEBE]
But it was clear...

[BEBE AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo

[SHEILA]
When he proposed...

[SHEILA AND BEBE]
Doo-doo-doo

[MAGGIE]
That I was born to help their marriage and when

[MAGGIE AND BEBE]
Doo-doo-doo-doo

[SHEILA]
That's what he said...

[SHEILA AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo

[BEBE]
That's what she said...

[BEBE AND SHEILA]
Doo-doo-doo

[MAGGIE]
I used to dance around the living room...

[BEBE AND SHEILA]
Doo-doo-doo-doo

[SHEILA]
He wasn't warm...

[SHEILA AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo

[BEBE]
Not to her...

[MAGGIE]
It was an Indian chief and he'd say:
"Maggie, do you wanna dance?"
And I'd say, "Daddy, I would love to..."

Everything was beautiful at the ballet,
Raise your arms and someone's always there.
Yes, everything was beautiful at the ballet,
At the ballet,
At the ballet!!!

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
Yes everything was beautiful at the ballet.

[MAGGIE]
HEY!...

[BEBE]
I was pretty...

[SHEILA]
I was happy...

[MAGGIE]
"I would love to..."

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
At...the...ballet.

i mean
i always say that i want to do something at least once
otherwise i cannot say here nor there
but in this case
a first time
plus mixing things i couldnt speak on
was not a good idea
but then again
i did learn something
and make a responsible decision
i guess
but always knowing
whether its right or not
is the hard part

that taught me so much
i showed me more than i imagined
ever possible
i was tired
sitting with new friends
in painstakingly
the best museum
because of its virtues
that its price was weightless
proving that
art is to be shared
and be to be viewed
by all
but most of all
i dont know
what means more
that i learned something
or that i was with you

into the woods
yes
into the woods
running from things
coming to terms
the woods is what you
wish for it to be

have you ever noticed
the purpose the woods serve
for fairy tales
or for that matter
the secrets forests truly hold

what are the woods to you

I find myself in a questioning

suprise!

i wonder truthfully
if to write beautifully
that i always must be troubles
cannot i not live purely
and write wondrous things
sing wondrous songs
anymore i find it hard to do anything well
when i am not living well
not every poet was depressed
not ever singer was lonely
i no longer believe that is how it must be
i can live well
and cleanly
and be all that i wish to be
write beautifully
sing wonderfully
live beyond words

maybe we are ready for death
perhaps
it is life that prepares us for a death
the lesson's taught ready us for their departure
could it be that the departure
is not only their time coming to a close
but the indication of the surrounding's
ability to continue without
without the one who has contributed before
also
it is a test to those left behind
asking them to grow
and teach themselves a lesson
remember it
time to change
time to love
cherish it

have you ever considered
that despite your growth
emotional range and intensity
that part of you may be jaded
unfeeling perhaps?
i question
that maybe
just maybe
i have removed myself from feeling loss with death
i cannot remember crying at a funeral
i mean 93 was a year to try to block from my mind
losing so many people
i was so young
i remember crying for leila
but i didnt cry for aunts
grandmothers
godfathers

am i truly that well adjusted to it
accepting and moving on
or am i repressing things?

it was quite possibly the hardest thing i have witnessed
to watch one's two cousins cry
asking in tears
why their mother did this to herself
why didnt she stop

to say that my life is hard
is a lie
i have never experienced anything that can compare
to the loss of the person who brought you physically
into this world
the woman who raised you
instilled in you things
that you will never forget

a challenge to myself
to replicate moments
feelings
conversations
must be considered unfathomable
as i am always a constant for change
let alone anyone else
always growing
pushing
learning
changing
never the same person
not second to second
thereby making re-creation
impossible
i cannot guarantee myself
let alone the others involved
hell
even the things that just occur around it

so here is to the future moments
to that maybe they will match or even surpass
the past's
knowing that i will grow
hoping that others will too
and hoping that things only get better
whether thats idealistic is not the point
but the concept is hope
and without hope
i have no reason to go on

i am very torn
i dont know whether to be angry
or sad
or refuse

should i make pointed statements
and pose pointed questions
or should i just be me
the person who will
forever hope
that you and i will reconcile this relationship
i would love push you borders
grow more with you
make you uncomfortable

please dont tell me that this is irreconcilable

the below is for you


--

Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Si me quisieras, todo te dara
Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Al mismo cielo, yo te llevara.

Dime tan solo una palabra
Que me devuelva la vida
Y se me quede en el alma
Porque sin ti no tengo nada
Envulveme con tus besos
refugiame en tu guarida

Y cuando te veo, no se lo siento
Y cuando te siento, me quemo por dentro
Y ms...y ms de ti yo me enamoro
Tu eres lo que quiero
Tu eres mi tesoro.

Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Si me quisieras, todo te dara
Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Al mismo cielo, yo te llevara.

Sin ti me siento tan perdido
Ensame la salida, llvame siempre contigo
Protgeme con tu cario
Encindeme con tu fuego
Y ya ms nada te pido...nada te pido.

Y cuando te veo, no se lo siento
Y cuando te siento, me quemo por dentro
Y ms...y ms de ti yo me enamoro
Tu eres lo que quiero
Tu eres mi tesoro.

Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Si me quisieras, todo te dara
Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Al mismo cielo, yo te llevara.

Ave Mara...
Dime si sers ma...
Dmelo ya...
Ave Mara...

its amazing that you have given me a little hope
with just a simple phone call
maybe just maybe
less is lost than i think

ok
so i have deduced
that it is better to have more Love
in the world
than not
not just more than negativity or hatred
but just more love
or what one believes to be love
is better than anything
actually to make it more general
and even more positive
it is better to have positive emotions
feelings
than anything
because if it is positive
it is not negative
simple i know
but moods radiate
and things are infectious
so to this i say
let the relationships grow
let them prosper always
let things be in good cheer
and great disposition
so that things may grow themselves
and prosper
always with eyes on the horizon
but living in the moment

so here is to positivity
let's raise our glass
and to idealism
which is quite different
from naivety

the knowledge
and epiphanies
that can be found
in the craziest of places
seem to the best most fun

its nice finding reinforcements

give me 100 dates
give me love
give me no meaningless sex
cause its worth waiting for

i remember part of myself
the part of me that is chivalrous
the part of me that is a classic gentlemen

love always is the best thing
it's nice finally finding
the love
i have for myself

for the 26th of july


so on this day
i hoped for inspiration to write
of the time i had grown
of the time i had spent
pushing myself
the envelope
the limits
something to look back on the past five years
to say that i had grown
to show that i had proof
but what i found
was myself in the shower
still awake
at five am
in prayer
near tears
realizing truths
coming to grips
with myself
my life
this world
to say that the past years
including the past five
having been a cake walk
would be a complete lie
paths covered in lies
deception
confusion
anger
depression
loneliness
but more than anything
knowledge
learning
growth
change
positivity

i will never exchange my life for anyone elses
i would never surrender what i have learned
for my experiences
for my soul
eyes
heart
mind
love

i am the greatest individual
i never expected to be
and i am only 20

i never thought i would live to see 30
thought i would die before then
of stress
in the ends of my own means
by the life choices i make/made
but now
30 is a positive
40 is seen
50 is imagined
bigger and brighter
and if i continue like this
i will love myself
more and more
everyday
so why die young
why die until have walked my destined path
why slow
why not defy all the odds and expectations
even those that are set by greater than ourselves
if we can remove ourselves from a preplanned path
i can continue on the path longer than expected
and have a more rich and colorful life than the same

so i say to the world
two anniversaries destined to be close
within hours of eachother
from this day
from that hour
i am reborn
in every way
better and more determined
i dare you to try to stop me
from getting farther than
anyone
ever expected

to quote rare earth
but more lovingly
the temptations

get ready
cause here i come

when we traveled
there were so many delusions
of what i thought could be
either tomorrow or down the road
but they were just lies
so it seems
false hopes perhaps
to think that things would have continued
down the path that was better set than current
i would have loved to believe it
and would have loved for you to believe it too

------------------------------------

say it as much as you want
and mean it the same
but i truthfully feel
that it doesnt matter to you
that i would go to the ends of the earth
spend all i have and give everything
for you
if you just asked me to

at times you wouldnt even need to ask


i may have been the only one
to come to you
even though our relationship
was not paved the best
but you show nothing
that resembles caring
that i did something no one else would
and i even now
would do it again
on a larger and grander scale

-------------------------

let mood swings run rampant
let sickness control
but let the words flow
and grant me more peace
find me greater solace
so that
every moment
i move forward
always better
always brighter

call me different
or special
or fucked up
but i am worth it
every pang
every thought

------------------------

if i were to meet someone like me
i wouldnt be physically attracted to them
and when it comes to personality
i dont think i would know what to think
if i would see them for the beauty they hold within them
of would i see the baggage instead that they carry

what does this say of me?
do i find myself unattractive
do i notice my own baggage over my beauty

will i ever come to the point
of moderate acceptance and enjoyment of who i am

as much as i say about myself
the beauty i hold
the baggage i carry
the growth i have undergone


what do i actually see
how do i actually feel

-------------------------------

why is it humans indulge in activities that leave them feeling empty

how deep is my love
how long will it last
when will it stop
is there an end?

nope

sometimes i really feel that i need to repeat myself
as if the people i told originally had forgotten
its not bad but its not good

parts of me
wish to be lots of things
like angry
and inspired
but things happen the way they do
not how i want


in then end i will be ok

the whole things is just ridiculous
lots of options
i just may not have the strength for
just right now

unclear mind

i'll put the ending here

when will it ever be fully pushed through
that it wont ever make anything better
it is not the answer
all it does is allow you to forget about things for a moment
and then it leaves you empty
and maybe a little more hollow

eh, only more to gain back

but why make more work for one's self

note: this is not meant to be glorifying of living a life of mediocrity

if life's purpose is to interact
to feel and interpret and learn
maybe to serve purpose is to just live
because unless hermitage is your call
you do interact
and thereby have weight in people's lives
but what if one were to live well
full of fervor and love of life
to live to the fullest extent
feeling and doing more
pushing one's self more
would that in turn raise the quality of life
for those around you
thereby making others better
by your betterment

not for sure

but its worth a try


--------

note: this is not an attack

as much as the vindictive and overly homosexual part of me wants to be something
i am refusing it that priveledge
however
i do remember
why i do/did dislike gays
and it's gonna take some time
for me to get back into the swing of things
so heres to time
and gettin back into it
cause putting myself back in is only
only
gonna make things move a little bit faster

its dumbfounding at times
the journey of life
to be pieces in a game of chess
maybe lived out by destiny
destined for death
ruled by avatars
and demi gods
but to say
that one does not shape
one's own path
is without experience
humans are given specific
traits and abilities
where we surprise even ourselves
to think of our true potential
complete brain use
total physical exhaustion
we are deafening
and surprising

to get to that point
where everyday
i can use all of my being
to its fullest
is where i will strive

------------------

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

- Nelson Mandela

sometimes it is just easier to write
when you are full on angst
but what to say
when you are confused
in tongue and in thought
or life

so what to say
to type
when you feel
that the only way
to put out energy
is through writing

how?
what?

when will i get more clarity

and if its too far how
how will i get to that point
and can i push myself there?

felt the need to write
but words didnt come easy

things are only being reinforced
i am whole without anyone
and attempting to be with someone
isnt gonna help anything
i am gettin better everyday
and i dare you when i get going
to try to keep up with me then
you wont be able to
if i set my mind to it
i will be better at what you do
that you are
and its not even my passion
thats my power
thats my heart
thats me

i am limitless

i am not lying to myself
the pit is still there
i am just gettin better
and beyond
this

a single song
in different worlds
holds vastly different meanings
dumbfounding it is
since we are apparently not different at all
nor special from one another

oh wait
i disagree with the above

let no one say again
that the use of antidepressants
mutes life
distances you from situations

if anything it allows you to think as clearly
as possible
giving you more pespective
it can give you the ability to walk to from and around
a situation

giving more clarity
sooner
and expediting life
due to unnecessary
irrational actions

-----

i feel as though this is a bit ... more than just a bit trite

i dont apologize however, it is life. and mine. and i can deal with trite poetry.

perspective is everything
even in moments of dark
i look not only to the light
but also to the dark beyond my station
to know the range of the contrast
it allows everything to be set
in quite the perspective

to know the lives surrounding my own could be worse
and know that my help if asked for
should be given

to know that in the range
i do matter
and have control of few things
but the few things i control
can make bigger marks than anything
the world has ever seen
if i commit to it
there will be no stop
i will succeed
as you push me back or to the ground
i will rise again
to see another day
cause i will always be alright

so to the end of all that is life
i just merely take a breath
and say i'll take it day by day
and as they come and go
i will just keeo breathing
and putting it all in perspective
that regardless my station
things could always be worse

always


and bless those whose lives are worse... and continue
day by day

to be quite honest
i think that i am beyond this
beyond the childish games
and the wanting to be older
as if adults had it easier
but i think i am coming to terms
with the fact that nothing
no nothing gets easier
only more complicated

to be in a land of naivety
in a land full of wide eyed innocence
where you arent bothered by
troubles of the mind and heart

to find yourself always with friends
and know they would never leave you
nor hurt you at all
and act as thought it was a two-way street

now that would just be neverland

doing the best i can
for me and mine
everyday
just like the ones before me
and with example
the ones after me

i wonder what would happen if i took time
and let them
come to me
would it be the same
will they notice
and if they do
what will they do?

why do i stay awake
fully knowing all i am gonna do
is think more about something
i really need perspective on
and i think perspective
is only really gonna come in time
so live each day
and get to tomorrow
for a little bit more
perspective

to create a decision
on what next
but not tomorrow
but now
on what to do
right now

at home catch up

---

I find myself in many a situation that relates to television
and all of them are a bit sad and pathetic
but yet real

---

I wonder how much longer
it would have taken
to avoid this issue more
to pull a bigger cop out
to be more lame with my actions
to resort to that lowly a state
i truly must have been desperate
and did it make it any better?
Absolutely not
to be prideful i say this isnt my friends
speaking their words again through me
but
it is what i knew from the get go
before i even started
i dont always have to be mature
i dont always have to be good
let me be irresponsible and bad for a try
how else will i learn anything
and trust me
my eyes and ears and mind are open
you better believe this
is only the beginning of the lesson

---

There are times of clairvoyance
when i remember i am so young
as are those around me
even at times
those who are by birth are older
are sometimes younger than i
and those who may be younger by birth
could thereby be potentially older than myself

for some they are just merely taking their first steps
on a road that i myself have walked
for going on five years

to think back to when i took my first steps
and those who watched
and helped to pick me up when i fell
i remember more the ones who helped me up
rather than the reason i fell
or whom it was i was walking with

so why do i fret about the now
whos with whom
and such trifiling matters
when i can merely take it day by day
and be there when they fall
to help them up

whether they help me
in return
or someone else
as long as the forward motion continues
and even if it doesnt
at least i am forward motion
continuing on
until i die
because this part of me is worth holding on to

i long to sit by the ocean
and to hear the natural rhythm of the world
to remember how small i am
and view the wonder of the earth

where the sea meets the sky
is where i am lost
floating without care
in the sky's natural light
feeling weightless
without burdens

on the edge of the world
at the summit
i look to see the possibilities
and i realize
what is possible
and i dare myself not to try to seize it

hi-lights from the week:

It the midst of this mess of a life
I attempt to think of what i truly know
who i am
what i are for
why i am here, still
what matters
questions plague me
answers are few
to think that i feel as if i know nothing
is deafening to all senses
if i know nothing of myself i feel
as if i know nothing of the world
or society in any way
if i as an intelligent person
know nothing of who i am
or for that matter
nothing of personal value of myself
i truthfully feel blind deaf and mute in this world
from birth
but i know
in some part of me
that i know something about myself
some ever constant part
that seems to be rooted deeper than anything i have ever known
what is it
that i desire love?
Need love
want love
feel love
am love?
By the extension that i
am one of God's creations
he created all existence
out of love
thereby making me love
as one of his creations
but can i buy into that completely?

What is the purpose of my self hating
is it to always be challenging myself
to never rest until i am better
i cannot dare say it is to condemn me

what is the truth behind my low self esteem
the manic depression
lack of friends
i dont know
but maybe i am not supposed to know right now
maybe one day it will click and i will see it all clearly
or maybe it wont
it could come slowly
for the rest of my life

why must i put up a facade to the world
i mean it fools only people i shouldnt be friends with
i say that i need no approval nor care what others think
but i do
i honestly do
i die to know what people think
and even when i do reach out to ask
if given no support i just default to
the fact that i say i dont care
how many people see through me
how many people know that i care what people think
but how many peoples opinions actually matter to me
and why them
time
influence
love?

Am i truthfully in conflict
and is that different from confused
are either of these things actually bad at all?
I feel as though Dr Simonson was right
all conflict is is differing information
thereby it is a surplus amount of information that just needs sorting
so why stress
i will come to an answer
sometime
doesnt have to be right now
as long as i get there it doesnt matter when
this isnt a race
and if it is
i wont mind coming in last
and living the most

where is the root of my chronic lying
did i see my brother as a teen
running from my parents gaze
going of to smoke and ingest illegal drugs?
Or is it attention seeking from my childhood of feeling like the least important
am i dillusional and think that i am the least important
while my brother and sister maintain i was center ring
is being the best so important i will fabricate lies
that will in th end hang me

and what of the manic depression
is it chemical imbalance
is it perception
could it all really be genetics
look at the line i come from
anger management
divorce
high stress
dramatics
maybe it really is genes
and maybe i owe a severe debt of thanks to OK

i have some baggage
who doesnt
just cause you dont see
as if in an airport
doesnt mean we all dont have a bag
or three
its my junk
i am happy to drag it along
the load will get lighter
and the bags will get smaller
eventually
it'll be a wallet
and that day is exciting

-------------------------------------

Truthfully
i have no idea what to write
i feel uninspired
which is quite alright with me
it at times would signal
my mind slowing
however
maybe just this once
it is calm again
something i havent felt in a while
did owning up to my shit do something good?
Does reminding myself that i should focus on me
do some good
why does it truthfully matter what those around me do
if it does not actually effect me
i mean emotionally whatever
but physically if it is doing no harm
what is the issue
is it normal to be this emotional
even if it isnt though
its me
and i am doing better than i ever expected
i mean honestly
the part of me that worries about them is quieter now
but i fear that it is only because i have removed them as much as possible
from my life for a given time
will it return if i let them back in
thinking that i have helped myself
if it does
how will i react

wait

one day at a time
one beat of my heart
one breath in my lungs
one moment at a time
anything else
really doesnt matter
stop thinking ahead and think about now
let the moments come when they do
and take them in then
try not to assume and jump ahead
cause if you are going with your eyes closed
you have no idea where you will land

so with this
breath

really thats all

----------------------------------------------

It the midst of this mess of a life
I attempt to think of what i truly know
who i am
what i are for
why i am here, still
what matters
questions plague me
answers are few
to think that i feel as if i know nothing
is deafening to all senses
if i know nothing of myself i feel
as if i know nothing of the world
or society in any way
if i as an intelligent person
know nothing of who i am
or for that matter
nothing of personal value of myself
i truthfully feel blind deaf and mute in this world
from birth
but i know
in some part of me
that i know something about myself
some ever constant part
that seems to be rooted deeper than anything i have ever known
what is it
that i desire love?
Need love
want love
feel love
am love?
By the extension that i
am one of God's creations
he created all existence
out of love
thereby making me love
as one of his creations
but can i buy into that completely?

What is the purpose of my self hating
is it to always be challenging myself
to never rest until i am better
i cannot dare say it is to condemn me

what is the truth behind my low self esteem
the manic depression
lack of friends
i dont know
but maybe i am not supposed to know right now
maybe one day it will click and i will see it all clearly
or maybe it wont
it could come slowly
for the rest of my life

why must i put up a facade to the world
i mean it fools only people i shouldnt be friends with
i say that i need no approval nor care what others think
but i do
i honestly do
i die to know what people think
and even when i do reach out to ask
if given no support i just default to
the fact that i say i dont care
how many people see through me
how many people know that i care what people think
but how many peoples opinions actually matter to me
and why them
time
influence
love?

Am i truthfully in conflict
and is that different from confused
are either of these things actually bad at all?
I feel as though Dr Simonson was right
all conflict is is differing information
thereby it is a surplus amount of information that just needs sorting
so why stress
i will come to an answer
sometime
doesnt have to be right now
as long as i get there it doesnt matter when
this isnt a race
and if it is
i wont mind coming in last
and living the most

where is the root of my chronic lying
did i see my brother as a teen
running from my parents gaze
going of to smoke and ingest illegal drugs?
Or is it attention seeking from my childhood of feeling like the least important
am i dillusional and think that i am the least important
while my brother and sister maintain i was center ring
is being the best so important i will fabricate lies
that will in th end hang me

and what of the manic depression
is it chemical imbalance
is it perception
could it all really be genetics
look at the line i come from
anger management
divorce
high stress
dramatics
maybe it really is genes
and maybe i owe a severe debt of thanks to OK

i have some baggage
who doesnt
just cause you dont see
as if in an airport
doesnt mean we all dont have a bag
or three
its my junk
i am happy to drag it along
the load will get lighter
and the bags will get smaller
eventually
it'll be a wallet
and that day is exciting

------------------------------------------

To write further feels futile
and anything that would come of it
would be worthless by my own eyes
so read this when you return here
and know
you decided well in your own mind
that it was better to not write than the latter
and know you were convicted

all it takes is conviction
following your all
you will be ok

i am hearing the words grandma said it
knowing that i think them
but i would only think that if it was possible
if it was supposed to be thought

grandma vandervelden
are you there?
I want to say yes
and if you are
come to me in my sleep quickly
and i will know

that – i cant even put it into words
that god is love
that things will be ok

and they will be
trust

----------------------------------------

just some things for ya'll

i think
i know not what to say next
feeling residue
to act or react

feel that i have made the right decision

i just think i need more time with those who are gettin it right

thanks

brad
andrew

kevin
mike

i promise nothing
not a thing
it may be part of my genes
it may not be
but i did not ask for it
the thoughts i think
are still there
whether or not i am medicated
it is hard to ignore
the ones that seem possible
whether its 90 or 20
i still think them
and sometimes want to buy into them
to be angry and sad
would be so easy
but since when is the easy road
my road?

nuts to those
who put me down
and attempt to hold me back
if you dont want me
no one is saying that you have to have me
i can move with or without you
and its always forward
you better believe that
i am not turning around
but ill gladly look back
to learn a lesson
but going back
i think not
only forward only growing
always better

always human
alexander scott brosseau
oh just wait till they get a load of the real me

i promise nothing


i am not gonna say how i am gonna react
i am not going to say how i will feel
just know that
it's on now
this life thing
is starting up now

cut away
get away
not run away
cause i will return
it's not our time
but it is my time
time to figure shit out
without

see you all later

so this blog is more than just my thoughts
its my honest thoughts
but i could post lies on here
and who would be the wiser
not outlandish things
but everyday things
like how i am doing
what i am thinking about
i could change my entire viewpoint on life on here
why should i though?

my mind is not getting along with my heart and i

i have been wondering if i have been lying to myself again...

hell

so i set out to make a list of the people i love
and i came up with a short list because i wasnt sure who to put on it
i mean i had people that i loved
but there were so many i wasnt sure about
we'll just say that there are many people
that i care for sooo much

i have junk
that is in lots of luggage
baggage if you will
except if i were to travel
through this world
i would never wish to lose it
even when i say i would
never could i leave it
so i buy some bright green luggage
with bananas and cows on it
so that no one will think
that my baggage is theirs
it belongs to me
that hideous container is mine
holding parts of me
parts of me i would never leave behind

-------------

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love [repeat]

I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

what a man
i mean British and gay...
how much more can you improve

the lyrics are great
but wrong at times
at least from my current station

no hope?
no love?
no happy ending?

i think he is wrong.

helping others helps yourself
feel better adam
i give a shit

how quickly the focus changed
from one to the other
purposeful?
did i just speak suspicion or assumption
or just mere curiosity...

in what i would consider
solitary activities
nothing stands against me
not now
never again
i am the master of my own destiny
here we go
runner-recitalist

Thank you Dr. Simonson

Les donneurs de sérénades
Et les belles écouteuses
Echangent des propos fades
Sous les ramures chanteuses.

C'est Tircis et c'est Aminte,
Et c'est l'éternel Clitandre,
Et c'est Damis qui pour mainte
Cruelle [fait]1 maint vers tendre.

Leurs courtes vestes de soie,
Leurs longues robes à queues,
Leur élégance, leur joie
Et leurs molles ombres bleues,

Tourbillonent dans l'extase
D'une lune rose et grise,
Et la mandoline jase
Parmi les frissons de brise.

the single best hidden track ever

Over my shoulder, running away,
Feels like i'm falling, losing my way,

Cold and dry,
Cold and dry.

Fog out my daylight, torture my night,
Feels like i'm falling, far out of sight,

Cold,
Drunk,
Tired,
Lost.

Over my shoulder, running away,
Feels like i’m falling, losing my way,

Cold, dry,
Cold and dry.

Fog out my daylight, torture my night,
Feels like i'm falling, far out of sight,

Cold,
Drunk,
Cold and drunk.

---------


btw, he did

and thank you eleanor

point of pride:

can you say you've been where i've been?
seen what i've seen?
done what i've done?
oh
i'll be there in the end
who will be there with me?

Audra... thank you... you too Elvis Costello

Now I have nothing, so God give me strength
cause Im weak in her [his] wake
And if Im strong I might still break
And I dont have anything to share
That I wont throw away into the air

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
she was the light that Id bless
she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength, God give me strength

I cant hold onto her, God give me strength
When the phone doesnt ring
And Im lost in imagining
Everything that kind of love is worth
As I tumble back down to the earth

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
she was the light that Id bless
she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength,

God if shed grant me her indulgence and decline
I might as well wipe her from my memory
Fracture the spell as she becomes my enemy
Maybe I was washed out like a lip-print on his shirt
See, Im only human, I want him to hurt
I want him
I want him to hurt

Since I lost the power to pretend
That there could ever be a happy ending

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
[he] she was the light that Id bless
[he] she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength, God give me strength

Thank you Sarah T.

Ach, ich fühl's, es ist verschwunden,
Ewig hin der Liebe Glück!
Nimmer kommt ihr Wonnestunde
Meinem Herzen mehr zurück!
Sieh', Tamino, diese Tränen,
Fließen, Trauter, dir allein!
Fühlst du nicht der Liebe Sehnen,
So wird Ruh' im Tode sein!

----------------------------------

the most beautiful song possibly on earth
sung by one of the most beautiful people i know
in every way

thank you for making my day better

mozart wrote the most beautiful music on earth. does that make him a genius? does that mean that he cared about who he was? was he in conflict with himself? if music reflects the person and society and his music is almost perfect, does that mean he was not in conflict?

a mist shrouds the hills
of a morning mind
clouds hang with a hidden sun
melting the edges into colors
soft pastel
somewhere between sickening and beautiful
the mist will dissipate
as the sun rises
the ground will be seen
for what it is
beautiful
green
lush
healthy

till then

-----------------

a song means something to you
and it now means something to me
i dont want it to mean anything
because of you
because you care
sick
maybe you get what it means
no happy ending
no
none
not like this
ever
fix it
or face it

------------------

i dare someone to match my quality or conviction
take a bullet for someone you dont really know
or for that matter care about
i have no disregard for life
because i could have taken my own
and i finally realize what value it has
but maybe
just maybe
my want to take a bullet for others
just show my willingness to die
even if it is for others
it was still my decision
kinda like suicide... dont you think?

melodrama
angst
dont tell me its just this age
and dont tell me its trite
its life
if i feel it
perceive it
it matters
its real
i fucking matter
fuck you

do i just say i dont get alone well with people?
is being cold and hard a good thing in my eyes?
i think it is

i also dont think i should talk
or say my feelings to the people that they involve
cause i feel like i fuck up lives more than i help

suprise?
nope

and the downward slope beings

sure seems familiar

three point five hours of conversation
and a weight has been lifted
thank god
even if nothing comes of it
he said he would be different with out me
and is happy that i was there
and wants it better than current
not worse
not awkwardness
but i am still gonna be there
for him
period

oh to get away
to live among another people
who are like you
but so far different from you
with a new language
a new culture
alone
to think
and live
and breathe
how interesting
i think it's what i am supposed to do
at least for a little while

-------------

i feel the above it quite trite
but whatever
i write what comes out
and it is what it is
nothing more than thoughts
lacking in line
and format

i sit here and watch events unfold
and know that i still feel the same
if not more
what does that say?
i will take care of you
as long as you need it
because i would rather be with you
than without you

i hate it when people push me away.
i would guess that most of the time it's my fault.

i hate it even more when people don't like me
why don't they like me?
all i am capable of is being myself
so they really must not like who i am
i must be scary
or i must be intimidating
i must be intolerable
what the hell
go to hell
i am great
fuck you

i think in the end
i have to be an ass hole
cause that way
i can hide the parts of me that i do no wish others to see
the parts of me that are soft
not weak but kinder
more gentle
the parts of me that can get me hurt


i do not wish to be hurt
but if that is the way
so be it
let it be
let it maintain
let it grow
hurt
lesson leared

i would rather be a Jack to someone's Will than not be a player in the cast at all. To be able to say I was there through all the relationships all the hooks and hell. And to have stood with you. To be able to say that I saw it all. And I stood by. And I always will, sounds so much better. Even if it never means, to known them fully.

i seem to hurt
not from physical exertion but
merely from mental and emotion wrought

to you
who is keeping you waiting
no one should shold waste your time

and you
do i fear time with you
because i fear that i may fall back in love with you

and you
is it your and i's stance that causes the pain?
that is slowly opening the door to a room full of water
enough to drown me?

god heal the pain
god give me strength

i look at information
given by a friend
someone whom i would love
to be involved with
i see what he says about
who he is
what he does
i see his preferences
his standards and requirements
i see his trepidation
and his anticipation
i think that i could fill his needs
i believe i could be the best for him
so i ask this
is it better in this instance
to push the envelope
try to redefine
or is it better
to be the one
who is standing by
always there through everything
the good and bad
the first and maybe
i could be the last
even if that were not so
i could say i was there
and i knew him
and i loved him
and still do
and always will

sometimes i think i would be better off without gay friends
just because i meet someone
and then they meet that same person
and i become second or third rate
but even then
i would much rather go through life with gay friends
than without
and let's be honest
i have the best gay friends that anyone has ever seen or heard of
and i am catching up in looks
and when the day comes that i am "equal"
i will not be vain
honesty and karma walk hand in hand
and god reigns through me with his will

i miss the you i've seen
the you in my mind
i have always thought was there
the one in front of me
is not you
not the real you at least
without the quips
the bullshit conversation
this person you appear to be
isnt you
you are better than this
in nearly every way

i miss him
i am over emotional
today... it was a hard day
when it gets late
i feel more
or maybe its not more
maybe its just perception

i find myself coming to grips with new revelations of myself
involving what seems to be feelings for men
from the same area
what is it about urbandale
why dont i just be more male
by that i mean simple

if only the stereotypes are true

i am at times
presented with such temptation
i sit alone
at times
with others to whom i am attracted
do i act
when under the influence of lifes throws
no i did not
why
inner beauty
better purpose
am i wise?
what would have happened
why dont i ever just find out
fearing to be that guy
the guy who is so shallow
but still yet cares not
if others know
of his doings
and misdoings
making him a whore
shameless
i am not that man
i dont want to be
and i keep myself from being
him

oh hell
it sounds like someone i know
someone i have loved

i have never been provoked by someones life
so much that i wish to hit them
normally i personally am being provoked by the person
this time
its her decisions

--------------------

it makes me so angry watching perfectly good people
act as fools do
close themselves off
disallow growth
and shove opportunity

----------------------

why is it that i lack all direction without goals
and why do i need someone else to help me set them?
what is it that i cannot seem to do it myself
set the goals and achieve them?

----------------------

i know good people
i just wish i could see them more
or that they would come home
it would be nice to be near this people
spend more time with them
grow more with thim
but such is life
this is not my plan
it is not my life
its a ride that i am on
and happy to enjoy and not enjoy
to learn and grow
to become better
at all costs
even if that means that i grow
beyond
the rest of the pack and feel as though
they cant catch up
they will
eventually
and it will be all the sweeter then

i think of myself at times
as alone
and i walk a single path
never to vary from it
these events are supposed to happen
i am to be frustruated and such
to wish to die at times
and know that in life
i must keep going
to accomplish anything
growing any
learning lessons
all to happen
in time
out of it
asymetric
everything planned
and i will keep going
with the knowledge
or lack there of
of when it will end
because my date is set
and i cant change it

if only now i can accept the lack of control

at times like now
my mind is flooded by things to write
in an unintelligent order
undecipherable...
do i dare write
and let judgement occur
by myself let alone others
or do i not write
and simply say

i am frustruated
with myself
my feelings
my thoughts
my friend
my loves
my life

but i dont regret a thing

its all in the plan
all in the will
i will follow unknowingly
and attempt to love
and attempt to live
for no one on earth
but for love
of life


i feel that i didnt even make sense to me

that sounds good

one tells me to be a boy
to act as a child would act
speaking what I believe to be true
being open and honest
not acting brave

i am told to be reserved
to be the adult
and not to speak hardly at all
be open and honest but not if its negative
and dont put on a front

i am told to be plain
to be boring
and to be boring is not to speak but listen
to not question what i am told
and just be neutral

i am asked what i want
and told to follow it
but what do i really want?
anything?
what part of me isnt in conflict with another?
to find a part of me that isnt
would be to find what i really dont give a shit about
maybe?
because if i want something bad enough
wouldnt there be a fight about the pros and cons
but what about what i need
am i neglecting that
am i only self serving and going after my wants?
by do i need?
what am i doing wrong?
what can i fix?
why i am so destructive?

why cant i figure out these questions

when will i

will someone care

will i?

it's amazing. i see things at times
that should be funny
but i just have a hole in my heart
and i dont know how to react
and because of such
i hide myself
from everyone
since when did i reinstate the pity party
so I dont like who I believe myself to be
and on top of that now I have feelings for someone
which complicates things
they are not unconquerable...
but what side will previal
and when?

without my past
i would be nothing
he holds this odd place in my life
will he ever be gone
how can his words still move me
if i could walk away
i would

only to walk and grow

You told me to be the little boy inside
And I insist on resisting
but tonight i found out
that i am not a little boy but a puppy
loyal, true, whiny, and outgoing
maybe not exactly what you intended
but it gets the point across yes?

Tonight I watched an entire miniseries... "The 10th Kingdom" this show was around right after Calista Flockhart bombed a TV version of Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream".... it was loosely based on all of the original fairy tales which we all grew up with. WELL 7.5 hours later I have a resolve;

I WILL READ THE ENTIRE BROTHERS GRIMM COLLECTION.

Those bitches were genius and the original ones to open childrens imaginations. It was tits.

Btw, to the power(s) that be

Tonight was you at your best. I was presented with an opportunity. And then you showed me which way it was gonna go.... ie not for what I wanted.... HAHA. Thanks. Honestly. No sarcasm.

i find myself at times
being more bothered by
extracurriculars
than by my actual life
but i come back
to find i miss things
i miss parts of myself
did i leave them behind
for good reason?
were they worked out of me?
i find myself questioning
me
for so long that i sometimes
find that i have stood still
as others moved forward
oh to bound forward again
maybe even to pass them all
and leave them
behind
me

i found pictures of he and i today
in my desk alongside things of great nature
i was kissing him in one
and standing along with greats in the other
what to say
what to think
is beyond me
Bob will be missed
Connie will heal with time
John will be happier, hopefully
David will grow
Nicole will be amazing
as for me?

I'll be here
and to say there wont be trumpets

thats just a lie