Sunday, July 10, 2011

i will oblige
and hypothesize
however don't go and tell me
what it is
don't give me your answer

i am
as you pointed out
intellectual
and that could get in the way
but i also fear
that it may set me free

my intellect has always given me pause
in this matter
so what am i to do

i believe in love
and happiness beyond all things

i search for them
and run after them
like a child
looking for the rainbow's end

but in the end
it feels fleeting
but the rush of the color
the idea
of the pot of gold
is often enough

i am not saying it is not crazy
but what i am saying is this

without that element
i am not me

not to negate that possibility
of higher effectiveness
or normalcy

but i live in a world
and wish to continue to
live in this world
where those without it
are nothing
and no one

i would not wish upon any great mind
their obsession
if you were to choose that word
to be taken from them

i would never ask for schubert
to be without his need for escape
nor the syphilis that ended him
so we are told

i would never want beethoven
to be without the madness of
hearing loss
driving him into musical derivatives

i would never want to mozart
to be wealthy
nor plain
for it was the 'too many notes'
that made him who he was

and for teasdale rosetti and woolf
i would never take away the darkness
for without it
we may never have heard the full range of emotions

shakespeare without his infallible need
for love

let it be

let it be said of me
that i was one who believed
in sharing the blessings i receive
let them know in our hearts
when our days are through
that crazy is not something to be wary of

it is something to have a healthy respect for and of
monitor it
keep your eye on it
but never hinder that side of you

for it is where creativity stems from

without my 'love obsession'
i could not sing
i could not write
i could not dance
i could not create

at least
that is how i feel

so here we are again
on a road that i know has risks
and not just of going unnoticed
this road can hurt me
and make me want to slow down
but

i refuse to be plain
i refuse to be labeled
and i need to remember

as long as i rise every day
wanting more
of myself
and learning more
and do more
and be more

i am not on the wrong path

let the love need
and let it overflow from me
to where i feel i have given more than i have received
for i once heard
that was the way to live your life
giving
and
loving

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

i have always wondered
what is it that was wrong
with all of those famous
prolific persons who came before

with davinci they say countless things
and mozart and beethoven as well
what caused hughes to write that way
and poor teasdale and woolf as well

if they were alive today
outputting the same material
what would the reaction be
critical acclaim i think not

what if they had never done what they had
how would the world have changed
would be be able to identify they problems well

is it best to let it rest
their proclivities and insecurities

or should we continue to analyze and take
the mystery
and misery

what would mozart be if not idealistic
and beethoven without hopeful
schubert without the chlamydia and need for escape
and teasdale and woolf without the sorrow

are the labels doing us any good
is the idea and need to regulate everyone
good
let alone necessary

is it better to focus on the product rather than the method

but what if it is the method
that indeed

kills them

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

i want to say i love you
but i don't seem to know
to formulate the words
once again
so that you may understand

i want to tell you i am better than them
but i know what that would sound like to
ears other than my mind's

i want to tell you to give me your time
only to me
but i know what that request would be
and what it could mean

i love you so much i doubt myself
i doubt my life
i doubt it's worth

i believe i know one thing
in this life
i have known love
better than any one thing

not even despair
can account to the quantity and quality of love
that i have seen
because
despair cannot see beyond its means
the love in my life has been built up so high
it covers the sun
as it covers the world
in a blanket
of perpetual rose

no glasses necessary

try me on for size
for once







the things i want to say
i cannot seem to form
the things i do say
seem beyond topical

all i want to do is love
and die happy

Thursday, June 23, 2011

question

does being what seems to be
the solo gay
in the area
make you gayer
or straighter

or does being in a gay centric community
make you gayer

concentration by solitude
or
concentration by proximity

random idea
selfish
the words ring out
across space
in the darkness
void of light
seemingly endless
much like the feeling
of complete
and utter
selfishness

how could i want something so single mindedly
i want him to myself

it is amazing what my mind does when it comes to him
he lifts my heart so high
and empties my mind

but following that moment
my heart decends
and what i believed to be empty
merely
could have been the parting of the clouds

this year
will be nine years

of being out
and being in love with him

what is this life that i lead
why do i feel i seemingly stand alone

and why has love
and life
by standard definition
thwarted me so

i speak the line
first as an outpouring with no control
second as a negotiation asking for the slightest bit
and third in defeat

never let me stop
never let me cease
never let me go away

Thursday, March 31, 2011

two plus weeks
little to no noticeable change
my patience draws short
yet my attention span seems to grow

i want nothing more than to escape
to take the time
that is needed
to make myself
as whole as i can be
today

to run away
for quiet
and meditation
to push out
look in
take stock
and find that
what i have inside of me
is all that i need

but i need to nurture it
let it grow
maybe that
may make all the difference

push out
breath in
release
relax
let go
let love

Monday, March 28, 2011

i am getting very bored with
being disappointed in people

Monday, March 21, 2011

i am given what i most likely
could be given
for what i had wanted
for this period of time

and yet
i am going to bed
more depressed
than when i started

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

i want to run away home
to paris ill go
and feel like a kid again

but in reality
i just want my friend home
i want him to be near me
i love him

i want to be happy

and i am not giving up the dream

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

is there a world where i can be friends with my ex
where i might want to be friends with my ex
where i would have a healthy relationship with my ex

i can't imagine
stuck
stuck in that place
where i am afraid i'll never be over him completely

and i think i want to

pretty sure i want to

this feels frivolous
and pushed

trite

merde
fievel goes west

sitting worlds apart
maybe looking at the same damned star

i do find comfort
that wherever you are
even tho its hours ahead
i don't feel hours behind

i just miss you
i am happy you are warm
and i hope you are comfortable
but i hope you miss me

i hope you realize the gravity of the situation
even if you don't let me know
and don't let me know the pull that i am not causing

one day
you will feel my love
and maybe
one day
i will feel your love

but i don't want either of us
to make us
to the artist
who seemingly does what she wants
but yet feels confined
she does not bash her head against the walls
thrashing to show her opposition
but instead
the modern day
giovanni de palestrina
finds the way
to break the rules
and seemingly stand inside the walls
that used to confine her

let your multiphasic lyrics fly
let the polyphony echo
and let the antiphonal chorus sound

a new musical saviour
to remind the top 40
of something more
its very odd
the things you find
when you awareness comes around
to prove that you left something
that maybe you now want

but what causes you to want it now

in this case
they are happy
happier than you
so it would appear

would you trade the success
that you have seen
for the companionship
that they sail
for the current time

lord only knows how long
the rainbow flag will fly
on that vessel

the length of time being all to short
and yet unbearably long
for those manning the rigging

so here's to the ladies who put themselves first
i hope your happy
you are at many times
my inspiration

Monday, February 21, 2011

ask who is crazy
and i will be first in line
to tell you
that i am crazy

i love my life
i love how odd it is
thanks for the passion
and for the voice
and sometimes
for the lack of words

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

why why
someone try and tell me why
they think their actions
are working for the common good
remove rights
define marriage

poetry past
marriage impossible
look at the world we live in today
it is amazing how hopeless i can feel
but yet
i was much more hopeless then
and didn't realize that possibility that the world held

stop talking about god
and talk about love
the one thing we all have in common

remove the rights of one and all rights are lost

love in need of love

Monday, February 14, 2011

when you do not write
it is as though
the calls stopped

but returning to writing
is as though you open the phone lines
to the world
and calls seem to trickle in at first
but soon
it is a flood
of anything
you can imagine
..........................................
how we all long
for the unexpected
friend
situation
kiss
encounter
time
sunset
place
on the water
who
two people
stand
as if on an island
alone
the sound of the waves
the smell of salt air
the graceful touch of their hand
the comfort of warmth
familiarity
words need not be spoken
the moment
is enough
it is enough
øøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøø
the weight of love
can be quite unbearable
and can also set you free
never did tink
think that the same thought
could both lift one to the sky
and bring another crashing down

it is one thing to be in love
and another to be loved
the merits of either
completely debatable

what is known
that when it comes to love
it isn't always right
or best
and
it is always better to put love in
and never fear that you will return nothing
love will come around
it will find a day
*********************************************
body
awareness
perceiving one's own self
could be harder than you think
you may think
that you know you
but the route to the prize
may be more treacherous than you expect

if you don't know yourself
how will you know anyone else
will you feel their weight
their need
their hand
do you want to miss the possibility
of more
of love

being with
someone
being with someone

the finesse
of the touch
and the movement of the world
are ever evolving
and if we do not know ourselves
we have no chance to know the world
give me somebody to sing for
give me somebody to show
let me wake up in the morning to find
i have somewhere exciting to go
give me the music
give me the chance to come through
all i ever needed
was the music and the piano
and the chance to sing for you

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

empty out my little head
as empty as my bright red bed
pour from me the stirring thoughts
and all the things i wish i'd forgot
give me to a bit of rest
so i may wake and find i'm blessed
remembering the love i've known
and seeing how i've grown

i will not ask for
the things i do not need
for in the moments
we plant a seed
germ and bud and leaf push out
searching for the sun above
to the sun in roundabout
with the rain it grows in love

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

look back at moments
and tell me
are you happy
do you want to change anything
cut or paste

would you trade it
for the world

tell me your first kiss
tell me how you became an adult
tell me who mattered most

we tend to grow forward
i hope
and i fear that we do not look back
in the moments we can

try not to regret a decision
being happy isn't a lie
its a state of mind
that you have control of
be thankful for what you have
cherish the littlest

Friday, February 11, 2011

thanks to Jean de la Ville de Mirmont for inspiration

the horizon
debatably fabulous
is always just that
the horizon
lining the world you see
day in
day out
out of reach
but acting
sometimes
as an agent of hope
and on occasion
a aide of hopelessness


years ago
i embarked
on a journey
one of countless many
this one
of education
and possible change
and hope
falter did i
and attempt
to persevere
and leave
to a world
that helped me to learn
and i returned to the journey
and i now doubt every day
how much i learned
how ready i was
and if i should be here
it is hard to say it is a waste of time
because i am gaining life
and knowledge
but at what cost

Thursday, February 10, 2011

words for the day
stark

it is amazing how much we can change
and yet still feel alarmingly the same
feeling that we have
and are
growing older
but in some
sometimes many ways
are surprisingly young

too old to make sure
that you are up in time
on saturday
for cartoons
but not too old to watch them

i feel like i am watching those around me get older
while i seemingly stay the same age
but i feel the ever present march toward death

having the vision
that even though
things seem to be improving
that i am succeeding
in some way

that the remainder
are digging themselves deeper


the distance
does not equal out
i am sinking
below sea level
and the air is too thick to breath
and i may drown
under the weight
of own mind

Sunday, February 06, 2011

you may never understand.

you are one of two friends

you are my only gay

i love you

despite

and for

all of these things


stop

hear me

i love you

it's that simple

i love you

Monday, January 24, 2011

i find myself quite perturbed
sometimes
when i realize
that i may not have traveled as far
as i once thought
i may have changed
and grown
but my armor
per se
is still permeable

i am still bothered by things
mind you these things now
may have been at one time
misunderstood
if understood at all
but now i seem them with much
higher clarity
or greater understanding
to know whether or not
what i know
is true is yet to be seen
and may not be known for some time

but what i do know is this
i prefer to be communicative
fear confrontation
i would say i do
but in the end
facing my problems head on
has greater impact
than avoiding them
or bottling them

i would much rather be proactive in my life
than let things deluge fall on me
and eventually bury me with the waves
that are sure to form

so here's to the people that rather than lunch
skip the meal to do what must be done
to get the work in and done
and done well

to those that look at school
not as a social environment but as a place
of work

i wish to you join you in that
i can eat later
and i can socialize later

i have often found
that being hungry makes the meal that much more satisfying
and that the friends i attempt to make
aren't always the ones i should be hanging around with

so i'll go hungry
and see who wants to join me for a late bite
because
they not only may be living a life like mine
but they will want to spend their time
with me

Saturday, January 22, 2011

just because they are social lords
does not make them a lady
withholding of social approval
for whatever reason
give out but don't reply
accept but make no effort

i have never heard of such things before
only this sect
this division seems to make these actions

why do you think that is