Oh the effect
on a person
of music
that music has
the innability to cope
the ability
to bear the weight
of the world
on ones shoulders

when I write
its as though
I could have
the darkest day
hour
moment
and listen
to all that is
beautiful
and the fog
is lifted from me
my day

it used to be
that reverse
could be true
yet I find
that somehow
things have changed
not of my choice
not that I mind
but darken my door
can music no longer

brighten life with music
for all music has beauty
"dont just listen to good opera,
listen to ALL opera"

-------------------------------

I seem to feel
more often than most
that I am without
a place to call home

I live in a place
that some call home
some call a house
I call it nothing
I have grown there
I have learned there
felt all there is to feel
there

yet there is a place
that I was raised in
went to school from
and returned after
a place where I took my steps
cried at night
felt lost

now I search for a place
where I can feel
all of what I have felt
except will that be home?
it may be
that I have just been leaving
what I could
should be
considering home
home is where the heart is
this house is not a home
when you are alone
what to say of love
what to say of life

who needs a home
who needs people
who needs love

I do

-------------------------------

Am I one of them
one of those people
who needs others
who needs reassurance
who needs a pat on the bag
or more?

What is wrong with
being that person
to need love
to need companionship
to need encouragement

I find myself surrounded
by great persons
who all are these people
people
who have in mosts eyes
NO reason
to be sad
anything but stellar
but they are humas
just like everyone else
yet still unique
I have people
that feel the gambit
create beauty
lack confidence
look down on themself
on others
but seem to
give encouragement
that often
they themselves dont take
we are all aware of such
hypocracy

at least we arent naive
or ignorant
we are the people
that live the life
our life
no one else living
it for us
we can walk the path
and say we gave
our all
to all

--------------------------

You sit in
like a protest
where my body
has sinned against you
so you demand rights
and an ear
in my mind

you dominate my thoughts
you dominate my breaths
my movement
my all
this I mind
normally you in my life
is a positive
but this I will not tolerate
you hurting me is not an option

I do the best to live my life
but I must keep you off
out of my mind

I now choose
to call you
on this
this day of thanks
to thank you
for all of you
every moment
every thought
everything thing
that ever included you
even by association
without you
I would not be who
I am right now
or who I will one day be

yet I call you
and the call is awkward
not of my choice
you say its nothing you do
nor is it me
I wish to say but dont
for with you
I often feel
that I am fighting
a negative
triple digit tempature
storm
up a hill
on a grade so steep
it makes me feel
as though
its not worth it
but without you
I am not who I am
nor who I will be
so why not involve you more
you have done good
annd even the negative
you could bring
will bring thought
epiphany
knowledge
happiness
in the end

-----------------------------

I havent written before or after an entry in a while. I feel as though I should. So here what I have to say in reflection of thanksgiving; THANK YOU. I took my mothers advice this year and took some time to think what I am thankful for. Rather than what, I did who. I dont wish to say, that these people are the TOPS of my list, however, these are people that I have always maintained are beyond people, they are transcendent. The following people, I am thankful for, in every way;

Burton Hable - Student, Friend, Brother, Musician, Future Colleague, Inspiration
Michael Reese - Teacher, Friend, Mentor, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Caleb Thompson - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Karen Downing - Teacher, Friend, Editor, Future Colleague, Writer, Inspiration
Clark Bowden - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Connie Mulligan - Teacher, Choreographer, Friend, Future Colleague, Inspiration
John Hickling - Teacher, Father Figure, Friend, Future Colleague, Mentor, Inspiration
Tommy Dawson - Friend, Brother, Student, Beleiver Of Love, Inspiration
Kelly Kruse - Student, Friend, Musician, Poet, Bohemian, Sister, Inspiration
Dr Simonson - Teacher, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Sarah Thompson - Student, Friend, Sister, Musician, Inspiration

Oh the effect
on a person
of music
that music has
the innability to cope
the ability
to bear the weight
of the world
on ones shoulders

when I write
its as though
I could have
the darkest day
hour
moment
and listen
to all that is
beautiful
and the fog
is lifted from me
my day

it used to be
that reverse
could be true
yet I find
that somehow
things have changed
not of my choice
not that I mind
but darken my door
can music no longer

brighten life with music
for all music has beauty
"dont just listen to good opera,
listen to ALL opera"

-------------------------------

I seem to feel
more often than most
that I am without
a place to call home

I live in a place
that some call home
some call a house
I call it nothing
I have grown there
I have learned there
felt all there is to feel
there

yet there is a place
that I was raised in
went to school from
and returned after
a place where I took my steps
cried at night
felt lost

now I search for a place
where I can feel
all of what I have felt
except will that be home?
it may be
that I have just been leaving
what I could
should be
considering home
home is where the heart is
this house is not a home
when you are alone
what to say of love
what to say of life

who needs a home
who needs people
who needs love

I do

-------------------------------

Am I one of them
one of those people
who needs others
who needs reassurance
who needs a pat on the bag
or more?

What is wrong with
being that person
to need love
to need companionship
to need encouragement

I find myself surrounded
by great persons
who all are these people
people
who have in mosts eyes
NO reason
to be sad
anything but stellar
but they are humas
just like everyone else
yet still unique
I have people
that feel the gambit
create beauty
lack confidence
look down on themself
on others
but seem to
give encouragement
that often
they themselves dont take
we are all aware of such
hypocracy

at least we arent naive
or ignorant
we are the people
that live the life
our life
no one else living
it for us
we can walk the path
and say we gave
our all
to all

--------------------------

You sit in
like a protest
where my body
has sinned against you
so you demand rights
and an ear
in my mind

you dominate my thoughts
you dominate my breaths
my movement
my all
this I mind
normally you in my life
is a positive
but this I will not tolerate
you hurting me is not an option

I do the best to live my life
but I must keep you off
out of my mind

I now choose
to call you
on this
this day of thanks
to thank you
for all of you
every moment
every thought
everything thing
that ever included you
even by association
without you
I would not be who
I am right now
or who I will one day be

yet I call you
and the call is awkward
not of my choice
you say its nothing you do
nor is it me
I wish to say but dont
for with you
I often feel
that I am fighting
a negative
triple digit tempature
storm
up a hill
on a grade so steep
it makes me feel
as though
its not worth it
but without you
I am not who I am
nor who I will be
so why not involve you more
you have done good
annd even the negative
you could bring
will bring thought
epiphany
knowledge
happiness
in the end

-----------------------------

I havent written before or after an entry in a while. I feel as though I should. So here what I have to say in reflection of thanksgiving; THANK YOU. I took my mothers advice this year and took some time to think what I am thankful for. Rather than what, I did who. I dont wish to say, that these people are the TOPS of my list, however, these are people that I have always maintained are beyond people, they are transcendent. The following people, I am thankful for, in every way;

Burton Hable - Student, Friend, Brother, Musician, Future Colleague, Inspiration
Michael Reese - Teacher, Friend, Mentor, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Caleb Thompson - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Karen Downing - Teacher, Friend, Editor, Future Colleague, Writer, Inspiration
Clark Bowden - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Connie Mulligan - Teacher, Choreographer, Friend, Future Colleague, Inspiration
John Hickling - Teacher, Father Figure, Friend, Future Colleague, Mentor, Inspiration
Tommy Dawson - Friend, Brother, Student, Beleiver Of Love, Inspiration
Kelly Kruse - Student, Friend, Musician, Poet, Bohemian, Sister, Inspiration
Dr Simonson - Teacher, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Sarah Thompson - Student, Friend, Sister, Musician, Inspiration

tell me when
I asked for
someone to love
who would not
could not
cannot love me
in return

someone whos words
is all I can get
for them to say and say
again and agian
but no action

people who
I never associated with
who breath to associate
with me
now
when I coudl care less

a house where
I loved by some
tolerated by most
and hated by few
where in the end
I will not be
a part of it

tell me
when I asked for
this life
this talent
this knowledge
these people
the events
that scattered
create my life

I may not have asked
for all of this
but without it
I am not
alive
me
myself
I

Give me wood
to fuel the fire
that was started

heres the thing
you gave me the wood
but do I choose
to throw the wood
into the flames
NO

by throwing I could
knock the burnt
logs apart
but the fire
could
spread or die
the possibility
of it spreading
stops me

so I sit and debate
watch the fire
or ignore it

or embrace the fire
let it warm me
let it lift me up
know that the fire
will go nowhere
and will soon end
while I
will travel
move
and grow and truely never die
as long as I made
the impact
I wish to

"I Remember"
Lyrics & Music by Stephen Sondheim
from Evening Primrose (1966)

----------------------

I remember sky
It was blue as ink
Or at least I think
I remember sky.

I remember snow
Soft as feathers
Sharp as thumb tacks
Coming down like lint
And it made you squint
When the wind would blow.


And ice like vinyl
On the streets
Cold as silver
White as sheets
Rain like strings
And changing things
Like leaves.


I remember leaves
Green as spearmint
Crisp as paper.
I remember trees
Bare as coat racks
Spread like broken umbrellas.


And parks and bridges,
Ponds and zoos,
Ruddy faces,
Muddy shoes,
Light and noise and
Bees and boys
And days.


I remember days,
Or at least I try.
But as years go by
They're sort of haze,
And the bluest ink
Isn't really sky
And at times I think
I would gladly die
For a day of sky.

Its odd
when you acheive
yet are still behind
when people see not
the strides you have made
and they push you down
and try to hold
you back
but there are always
those few
who support you
stand behind you
next to you
encouraging you
loving you
I am one for you
be one for me
for if we all do so
the world will only
be a better place

---------------------

Yours words have
no correlation
to the actions
which you take
you say such things
to make one beleive
then take that beleif
and rip it from
their hands
throw it to the ground
and grind it
into the ground
as if
to attempt to make
it never have existed
but I know
it did
and if you are my friend
I will take you to the mount
and challenge you
about it
for your own growth
but if you are not
a friend
I will grow to be one
and do the same
I will make you better
just as you will me
whether we like it
or not

---------------------------------


If you say you are
my friend
whether I beleive it
or not
I will debate it
and if I dare to
tell you of your errs
of your blindness
if you are say
that you are my friend
I think I must
treat you as such
whether you want it
or not
its up to you
say it or not
have me or not
it up to you

--------------------------

They say
that knowledge
is power
ever though
that it could be
a burden?
that losing one's
naievty
is like
when Eve
bit the apple
and her eyes
were opened
to see the err
to see the beauty
can be a burden
unheard of by some
but to live with such
is a blessing
because
one must
look not only
at the positive
but the negative
to understand
to grow
to change
because
without the dark
there is no light
just like good and bad
two sides to every sword
both cut
and teach
knowledge is
not to be taken
lightly

--------------------------

the idea of north
to have set directions
a star to guide you
always there
to help
the lost

the idea of north
to provide direction
to freedom
from a system
unchanged
of evil
deliverance

the idea of north
the idea of south
the idea of east
the idea of west

the idea that all directions
lead
too any place
that you could imagine
but know
thats not the end
theres always up
beyond the sky
beyond the stars
to your dreams
away from home
to places
of discomfort
of growth
of change
exploration
the idea of new
the idea of old
the concept
the reality

Am I afraid to write about you?
to think about you
does it hurt
it does make me sick
sometimes
the thoughts of you
lead to your conquests
your acheivements
but I Love You
and they dont
I am worth it
You are worth it
We arent a waste

----------------------------

Cheesy lyrics
can have good meaning
message
bad music
can have good motives
repeating
to listen beyond
our dispositions
to what was meant
to be heard
is the true meaning
the real challenge
part of life

------------------------

I have been told I run
maybe its me not settling
but it could be
that I just run
from city to city
place to place
trying to find whats easier
in the end
there will be growth
there will be change
and thats whats needed
maybe I need time off
a little break
does life allow that?

---------------------------

You are at times
where I want to be
to a point
the place you reside
currently
is a place
that could nurture
a passion I have
but the city itself
miserable
but to move there
carries so much
positivity
at first sight
but so many angers
at second glance
doing it for you
or me
or both
is there anything wrong
in the end
with any of those
follow with head
follow with heart
if i end up close to you
there is no way
I can say
that it is not you
or that it is
no answer good enough

---------------------------

to the one who I Love more than life itself. More than anyone else. In a different way than all other Love. I Love You. Trey Critz. I hope you continue to realize that more and more. And that its ok. If not good that I Love You. I hope you continue to find out how much you care for me.

to the ones who I call friends. I love you all. Feel lucky just like I feel luck yo know you all. Be thankful for eachother. Rejoice. Continue the great things you do.

Do you have those people?
the ones that do those things
that you love
do the things you hate
make you want to die
beacuse they are so talented
or just make you want to die

do you have the people I have?
the ones that prove you wrong
and you are happy about it
the ones that make you feel
like you and your life
are totally worth it
that give the hugs
that you dont want to let go during

do you have those people?
do you ever forget them
and feel bad when you remember them
just be thankful
you ever had them at all

-------------------------------------

ideas
alone
combined with eachother
can provide
bridges over things that divide
like a block
for writers
but still
is alone
the idea worse?
can you judge it?

-------------------------------------

another hundred people just got off of the train
and i dont want a single one of them
i want the one who sleeps on the train
the one whom some fear
some loathe and some respect
the one I love
the one who refuses to get off the train
for a reason which is beyond me
but i wish to know
so i will get on
the train

------------------------------------

July 19, 2005
I met the man
who little did i know
would help to change
my life
providing me
with memories
in all senses
making it hard
to breath
without him
to live
without him
to return to the place
we went to
together
where we created
memories
the day
those days
the times
he
will live
forever

-------------------------

Another holocaust
is an intersting
idea
maybe one of me
a self holocaust
where all that should end
will
perish
ideas
thoughts
meanings

OK
Ill have a holocaust
a self holocaust
what will it be
a holocaust of association
no more people shall be
in my life
if they arent worth my time
they can waste someone elses time
dead to me
is dead to the world
because I exist
in MY world

11/2/05: 1 O Clock Hour - Trey Collection

------------------------------------------------

He calls me crazy
for what?
Loving him?
I think of him
when I am beside him
and when I am not
I worry
for every part of him
every action he does
for all of his habits
smoking
drinking
drugs
every nasty thing
that I myself can associate with
I love him none the less
he associates with so much
that I do not care for
dare I say hate
but I do not judge him
he is attacked
and I stand to defend
not that the attackers matter
but that he does
I dare say
that i wish
that i hadnt met him
so that I wouldnt feel these things
but as Eve in the garden
if it were not for her wrong
we would not have what we have
I thank and curse
our creator for what we have
the great and negative
the spectrum
makes things how they are
from my pain
I find joy
because of my digust
and dare I say hate
I have found Love

----------------------

I am unhappy here
where I am
just as you would be
unhappy here
I wish to move
from this place
is that running?
the place where
I wish to go
is near where
you are
is that running
to you?
Everywhere I go
anything I say
whatever I do
you are there
because I Love
You
When I speak
I hear you
not telling me
what to say
or how to speak
but telling me
the things
you told me
when we laid
together
that morning
and cried
Wherever I go
I feel you
the Love
I have for you
a constant reminder
of purpose
of passion
Of Love
Whatever I do
I have you
not telling me
what action
to take
or not
but standing
behind me
supporting me

wether or not you want that
I have it
a Love for you
undying
always will I remember
You
and what you help me
to see
to know
to feel
all the things I felt
when I was with you
you did not
make
me feel them
I felt them
of choice
you merely introduced them to me
look at you
you felt them once
look how great you are
regardless if you see it or not
I see it
your greatness
your acheivement
you cannot take away
my feelings
or visions
and I cannot
make
you see or understand you
but I will be there
for you
Loving you
as all I can
even if you dont want me

----------------------------

Your apartment
smells of pot
Adam sits stoned
on that couch
with 70s print
Avery's room
is strewn
with all that is her
scene
the kitchen
not pink
not dirty
an empty box of wine
a laugh a escapes
my lips
your cat
the escape artists
lies waiting
watching the door
your room
dark
items strewn about
circles blanket
covers the window
cds against the wall
computer
open to myspace
tense
uncomfortable talk
escapes our lips
signals subdued
reach me
you leave the room
many a time
I stay
we return to the room
and you mention a nap
you dont want me to leave
I call you on it
we stand
embrace
feel the warmth
the comfort
the familiarity
we both want it
want eachother
the love
the warmth
words escape me
telling him
of how I worry
and miss him
he agrees

the closest he has come

I tell him I Love Him
how much I care
anything I want to say
I say
I feel great
he calls it heavy
and wants me to leave
I hear his heart
cry out
in pain
his brain slaps his heart
the command to leave repeated
I know my power
I attempt a use
his brain is too in control
his heart numbed and mute
but not deaf
we embrace again
I feel his heart
his brain pulls away

I know I reach him
the one I knew once
the one who Loves me
I hope
that it will be enough
for him to know
to realize
to come to accept
the Love

----------------------------

I wrote down
"What are we?"
in regards to you
to attempt to write
on what we are
and I look to it
as I tried to finish this
but found
I knew the answer
you are you
and I myself
But
I Love You
and thats what we are
ourselves
and I Love You
that simple