i promise nothing


i am not gonna say how i am gonna react
i am not going to say how i will feel
just know that
it's on now
this life thing
is starting up now

cut away
get away
not run away
cause i will return
it's not our time
but it is my time
time to figure shit out
without

see you all later

so this blog is more than just my thoughts
its my honest thoughts
but i could post lies on here
and who would be the wiser
not outlandish things
but everyday things
like how i am doing
what i am thinking about
i could change my entire viewpoint on life on here
why should i though?

my mind is not getting along with my heart and i

i have been wondering if i have been lying to myself again...

hell

so i set out to make a list of the people i love
and i came up with a short list because i wasnt sure who to put on it
i mean i had people that i loved
but there were so many i wasnt sure about
we'll just say that there are many people
that i care for sooo much

i have junk
that is in lots of luggage
baggage if you will
except if i were to travel
through this world
i would never wish to lose it
even when i say i would
never could i leave it
so i buy some bright green luggage
with bananas and cows on it
so that no one will think
that my baggage is theirs
it belongs to me
that hideous container is mine
holding parts of me
parts of me i would never leave behind

-------------

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love [repeat]

I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

what a man
i mean British and gay...
how much more can you improve

the lyrics are great
but wrong at times
at least from my current station

no hope?
no love?
no happy ending?

i think he is wrong.

helping others helps yourself
feel better adam
i give a shit

how quickly the focus changed
from one to the other
purposeful?
did i just speak suspicion or assumption
or just mere curiosity...

in what i would consider
solitary activities
nothing stands against me
not now
never again
i am the master of my own destiny
here we go
runner-recitalist

Thank you Dr. Simonson

Les donneurs de sérénades
Et les belles écouteuses
Echangent des propos fades
Sous les ramures chanteuses.

C'est Tircis et c'est Aminte,
Et c'est l'éternel Clitandre,
Et c'est Damis qui pour mainte
Cruelle [fait]1 maint vers tendre.

Leurs courtes vestes de soie,
Leurs longues robes à queues,
Leur élégance, leur joie
Et leurs molles ombres bleues,

Tourbillonent dans l'extase
D'une lune rose et grise,
Et la mandoline jase
Parmi les frissons de brise.

the single best hidden track ever

Over my shoulder, running away,
Feels like i'm falling, losing my way,

Cold and dry,
Cold and dry.

Fog out my daylight, torture my night,
Feels like i'm falling, far out of sight,

Cold,
Drunk,
Tired,
Lost.

Over my shoulder, running away,
Feels like i’m falling, losing my way,

Cold, dry,
Cold and dry.

Fog out my daylight, torture my night,
Feels like i'm falling, far out of sight,

Cold,
Drunk,
Cold and drunk.

---------


btw, he did

and thank you eleanor

point of pride:

can you say you've been where i've been?
seen what i've seen?
done what i've done?
oh
i'll be there in the end
who will be there with me?

Audra... thank you... you too Elvis Costello

Now I have nothing, so God give me strength
cause Im weak in her [his] wake
And if Im strong I might still break
And I dont have anything to share
That I wont throw away into the air

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
she was the light that Id bless
she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength, God give me strength

I cant hold onto her, God give me strength
When the phone doesnt ring
And Im lost in imagining
Everything that kind of love is worth
As I tumble back down to the earth

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
she was the light that Id bless
she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength,

God if shed grant me her indulgence and decline
I might as well wipe her from my memory
Fracture the spell as she becomes my enemy
Maybe I was washed out like a lip-print on his shirt
See, Im only human, I want him to hurt
I want him
I want him to hurt

Since I lost the power to pretend
That there could ever be a happy ending

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
[he] she was the light that Id bless
[he] she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength, God give me strength

Thank you Sarah T.

Ach, ich fühl's, es ist verschwunden,
Ewig hin der Liebe Glück!
Nimmer kommt ihr Wonnestunde
Meinem Herzen mehr zurück!
Sieh', Tamino, diese Tränen,
Fließen, Trauter, dir allein!
Fühlst du nicht der Liebe Sehnen,
So wird Ruh' im Tode sein!

----------------------------------

the most beautiful song possibly on earth
sung by one of the most beautiful people i know
in every way

thank you for making my day better

mozart wrote the most beautiful music on earth. does that make him a genius? does that mean that he cared about who he was? was he in conflict with himself? if music reflects the person and society and his music is almost perfect, does that mean he was not in conflict?

a mist shrouds the hills
of a morning mind
clouds hang with a hidden sun
melting the edges into colors
soft pastel
somewhere between sickening and beautiful
the mist will dissipate
as the sun rises
the ground will be seen
for what it is
beautiful
green
lush
healthy

till then

-----------------

a song means something to you
and it now means something to me
i dont want it to mean anything
because of you
because you care
sick
maybe you get what it means
no happy ending
no
none
not like this
ever
fix it
or face it

------------------

i dare someone to match my quality or conviction
take a bullet for someone you dont really know
or for that matter care about
i have no disregard for life
because i could have taken my own
and i finally realize what value it has
but maybe
just maybe
my want to take a bullet for others
just show my willingness to die
even if it is for others
it was still my decision
kinda like suicide... dont you think?

melodrama
angst
dont tell me its just this age
and dont tell me its trite
its life
if i feel it
perceive it
it matters
its real
i fucking matter
fuck you

do i just say i dont get alone well with people?
is being cold and hard a good thing in my eyes?
i think it is

i also dont think i should talk
or say my feelings to the people that they involve
cause i feel like i fuck up lives more than i help

suprise?
nope

and the downward slope beings

sure seems familiar

three point five hours of conversation
and a weight has been lifted
thank god
even if nothing comes of it
he said he would be different with out me
and is happy that i was there
and wants it better than current
not worse
not awkwardness
but i am still gonna be there
for him
period

oh to get away
to live among another people
who are like you
but so far different from you
with a new language
a new culture
alone
to think
and live
and breathe
how interesting
i think it's what i am supposed to do
at least for a little while

-------------

i feel the above it quite trite
but whatever
i write what comes out
and it is what it is
nothing more than thoughts
lacking in line
and format

i sit here and watch events unfold
and know that i still feel the same
if not more
what does that say?
i will take care of you
as long as you need it
because i would rather be with you
than without you

i hate it when people push me away.
i would guess that most of the time it's my fault.

i hate it even more when people don't like me
why don't they like me?
all i am capable of is being myself
so they really must not like who i am
i must be scary
or i must be intimidating
i must be intolerable
what the hell
go to hell
i am great
fuck you

i think in the end
i have to be an ass hole
cause that way
i can hide the parts of me that i do no wish others to see
the parts of me that are soft
not weak but kinder
more gentle
the parts of me that can get me hurt


i do not wish to be hurt
but if that is the way
so be it
let it be
let it maintain
let it grow
hurt
lesson leared

i would rather be a Jack to someone's Will than not be a player in the cast at all. To be able to say I was there through all the relationships all the hooks and hell. And to have stood with you. To be able to say that I saw it all. And I stood by. And I always will, sounds so much better. Even if it never means, to known them fully.