Tuesday, November 30, 2010

let's review

i live a life
that is not always easy
as many lives are

i wish that i would have made different choices
i wish that i may have been made different

in my heart of hearts
i find myself
in my thoughts
and actions
always believing in a higher power
i find truth in Jesus and his father

i am quite aware that at this stage
that may very well be
not the easiest road

for my actions call out to me
that they are not pleasing

at night
like tonight
i am kept awake
by nagging suspicion
by negative self talk
and i cry out

god grant me the peace and serenity
so that i may sleep
so that i may rest
so that i may rise again

i feel once more
that i stand alone

that by being gay
and feeling that he is capable of all things
including having made me this way
i too can be an instrument of his work
but i still feel alone

i do not always feel his hand
his warmth
his love

but yet i continue to turn to him
i continue to hear a voice
telling me that there is someone

i don't know what to say anymore
i don't know how to continue

i feel afraid of the possibilities of my past life choices
i may have damaged things so much
that in my current view
i do not see many choices
chances
left for me

and for that i am sad
but i must remember that i
with love
with grace
with kindness
with devotion
with resilience
with perseverance
i can do what needs to be done

for whether or not i may believe always
that there is a god
and he gave us his son

i do believe
that if all of these things were true
or not
these stories
these men
these ideas
were written down
for a reason
and found a way into my life
for a reason
and that canot be ignore

so i ask
the expanse
let me improve every day
let me grow every day

let me grow in the definition of love
for love
as
in my idea
the common uniter of all religion
is all that matters

so if the lord is love
and his son was of love
let me live of that same beautiful basic

love
thats all i ever seem to want
and sadly
feel that i rarely felt

all you need is love
all i need is love

and maybe it is better
to love without reciprocation
than to have never loved at all
maybe that devotion
is a testament
to the spirit that dwells within you
and the backing that love has
that it will not cease
it cannot be stopped


and if this is true
i again
hear the calling of the lord
telling me
he did not make a mistake
not when making me
not with my sexuality
not with my choices
because he will use all of me
and it was his design that built me
and it is he who will not desert me
for in the end
i may be a testament to him

and if you come to think
that maybe
he is a selfish and praise needing lord
i beg this question
if he did create us
and all that is on this earth
would he
if he were a real man
not be a man of accolades and worth praise
for creating so many things
but lets stop for one minute
and think
on one creation
the human spirit
is hard to break
it bends
it can be lit aflame
and can drive a person
to do unimaginable
seemingly impossible things
that creation
something intangible
inside of every one of us
may be
the greatest creation of all

Friday, November 26, 2010

i am thankful for

second chances
heart
loyalty
love
friendship
music
passion
Schubert
German
French
Italian
the ability to sing
good fashion
my life of opportunity

this all feels trite
but every year
we are asked
to round the table
with
what we are thankful for

so what am i thankful for

i am thankful
that i have been brought up the way i have been
to think critically
to ask questions
and to never accept anything as best

this has always had me leaning into the wind
pushing myself forward
wanting more of myself and others around me
and at times
hating quite a bit of life

i have flown from end to end of extremes i can in my life
and i am thankful for that
that the experience i have is deep and wide

i am happy for the great things I have been able to do
i have an opportune life
that not everyone has
and i am thankful that I was dealt the hand i have been dealt

i also am quite happy for the mistakes i have made
and will make
mistakes and flaws remind me that things are real
imperfections make something perfect
at least in my own eyes

so here are to the fuck ups i will commit
and here is to me getting back up
as soon as i can

here is to the people who stand by me
through all of my bull shit
not always directed at them
but sometimes
the overflow ebbs in their direction

so here is to the man who seems to have
lived in my life for what feels like forever
i said my peace
but i don't want to be done
i doubt i ever will
i love you
and miss you

i hope we can pick up where we left off
like always