ok
so super thoughtful tonight
things that are on the agenda

-guys
specifically guys who are slutty and guys who are sexually confusing
-girls
all with special thought given to manipulating and controlling girls
-all the new people in my life
-what i am gonna do in the fall
-what i am gonna do this summer
-money
-why my friendships are the way they are
-why i am not in a relationship
-why i really help everyone
why i am really nice to everyone
-my self image
and to that extent self esteem
-how i feel about all these new people in my life

i feel completely blocked
stuck
and frustrated

and this does not feel new
its boring and old

i would like to know what i need to do to make it stop

if i could get my mind
to get with my gut
i know that i could finally allow some
interesting conversations
about what they each want to do
and why
but the thing is
if i do
or say
everything i think
my heart may be
in very much trouble

i at times vomit up
words
horrible words
either in poor order
or selection
maybe even
hurtful

i want to reach out and touch
touch a little longer perhaps
but i dont
cause i listen to one

cause they dont listen to eachother.

i wonder why the world dealt me that hand
and the one before it
that is tied to the one tonight
why did she say what she said before
and why when i talked to you about it
did you respond in that fashion
i guess
your fashion
as it were

and then you show up
and i bend
and melt
and flow
for you
and all the walls i attempt to build
come crashing down
as if just mere sticks
not adobe
or bricks
or even rebar and concrete

and my company
looks at me
almost with pitty
for the way i let you in
and the way you open the door for me

but i seem to say to myself
better to be
with and in some semblance of pain
than to be without

am i convincing myself
or others?

i still think i love you
or maybe its
i think i still love you
or even
i still love you
i think

i found a part of myself tonight
i dont know how to feel about it
besides kinda happy
i guess
its the bitchy part of me
that really either
takes time off
or is beyond subdued
so
it came out full force tonight
the sarcasm came skipping along too

it was
is
nice to know that its still there
it makes me feel more accomplished
that i am actually moving past it
and not that it just stopped existing


btw
dont write shit on walls like that
it makes me want to puke
joke or serious
i dont care

i might always be the other one

ok,

===
1
you are one of a very few people
who actually
approach me tonight
you nearly bowl me over with your hug
it made me entirely too happy
but i really dont mind
i love your touch
but what i love more
you being my friend
i want to talk to you
i hope we do that soon
===
2
alright
you now officially take john's place in my heart
thats really it
i hope you remember everything from tonight
cause i sure as hell am
i hope we hang out
and i hope we can continue this trend
===
3
how i have missed you
without thinking about it
you are one of my favorites
always have been
glad i could spend this time with you
another person i should be talking to
at the very least
on a regular basis
make that happen flute boy?
===================================

so here's to an evening that actually went well
i feel at little bit bad about being a
social butterfly whore
but oh well
for once
i feel good
i saw friends
i drank
and lordy
i felt like i was myself
bitch or not

loves

whether looking across a crowded room
or a table
i look at you
in a way
that i do no feel with anyone else
our relationship has "changed"
but still remains quite the same
and i still look at you that way
and with one more look at you
i dont know how i will feel
i almost hope that things dont change
at least when it comes to what i see
when you smile
laugh
are angry
in thought
when it comes to those moments i see
your absolute beauty
and you in turn
make me feel absolutely
beyond words

from time to time
i wonder about the secret lives
of those that surround me
not so much even whole lives
but the lies and secrets that
present facades to me
i hypothesize and theorize
whilst i should be going to sleep
and in turn keeping me from the thing
i intend to do

i wonder about what they do after they leave
if their future actions will match the plans they said
did they go home

did they go astray
====================
====================

convoluted words
mixed in with a dash of action
throw personalities
chock full of perspectives of their own
he said she said
and in turn
they both thought this of them
even without the weighted verbs
tied down with pronouns
the future is unknown
and unsure
nothing positive
nothing necessarily negative
just a big ball
of conflict
sometimes silent
at times out loud
maybe even dramatic
heaven forbid
queens

dont say it
dont speak
another word
of oral intercourse
actions
show your hand

it all leads back to you sir
it all leads back to you
even when i meet someone new
and they occupy my time
you either interrupt my thought stream
or are the lovely next sentence
to follow the end of theirs

i kinda wonder from time to time
why the people that come into my life
do
i mean
not only why do people come in
and go out of my life
but why
do the types of people
that come and go
come and go
why is it
constantly the type of people
i feel like more and more the
guys i am attracted to
are the ones i "shouldn't be"
attracted to
full of impossibility
possibly lackluster in quality
or some glaring issue maybe
and why do i fall for their entrance
into my life
why does it sweep me off my feet
not that the person is
but more like their entrance is
the opening of a door to a stormy
iowa march evening
clear crisp and full of wind
and i am just a piece of paper in the wind
blown for what feels like miles
when all in all
if you were to write them down
i would indicate they were nothing
to remark about

and why
why do i still think about you
whenever anyone else enters my mind
any possible person that could "replace" you
i think of them
and then of you
and i am not sure if it is my conscious self
pushing you back in
or whether its my unconscious
my soul
my heart
pushing you back to where it believes
you belong
at the forefront of my being
my thoughts
my heart

i wish i had someone to talk to about whats going on
other than my counselor

stretched out
stretched out over the map
what appears to be a man
but a boy in ways
and another
who is slightly older but still younger
giving awkward silence for awkward silence
savoring nothing
=============
=============
when i sat there with you and him
i not only thought of myself but
i thought of us and you both
and none of it felt right today
this is shit
=============
=============
i wish i could be the asshole who lives inside of me
and say the things i keep inside
be outlandish and brash
even more so than now
i wish i could have the you you've shown me
be the you you always are
not to expect you not to change
but merely to be that open
i should expect your behaviour by now
but even six
almost seven years
i have learned not
================
================
i am a conflicting ball of emotions and concepts
once more
and why not throw myself into the fire
for the burning flesh
in feeling and odor is what reminds me that
i'm alive
surprisingly
my absence from you makes me think
that things are not as they were
maybe that distance has improved
my functional ability
without being inundated by you
in my mind
but the moment i hear your voice
read your words
see your face
i melt
i fall to pieces once more
so my months of sub conscious rebuilding
is for nothing it seems
but i find myself
questioning
questioning whether or not the cross is too much
if the load may be breaking my back
rather than just scarring me
i have felt this way before
and face the unknown again
sneaking suspicions arise saying that i will stay
for "he's not heavy"
but i must question the sanity of my decision
if to keep you on
because my year is about my improvement
of self
and maybe you being my "junk"
should find its place on the pile
rather than in the suitcases i dont wish to haul
behind me
forever

its very comparable
to having a cut be made
then having it heal
when just
suprise
you are cut again

i didnt see you for 6 months
but as soon as i saw you
the "wound" was reopened

and i miss you
all over again
as if it was the first time
we had to part