ok
so super thoughtful tonight
things that are on the agenda

-guys
specifically guys who are slutty and guys who are sexually confusing
-girls
all with special thought given to manipulating and controlling girls
-all the new people in my life
-what i am gonna do in the fall
-what i am gonna do this summer
-money
-why my friendships are the way they are
-why i am not in a relationship
-why i really help everyone
why i am really nice to everyone
-my self image
and to that extent self esteem
-how i feel about all these new people in my life

i feel completely blocked
stuck
and frustrated

and this does not feel new
its boring and old

i would like to know what i need to do to make it stop

if i could get my mind
to get with my gut
i know that i could finally allow some
interesting conversations
about what they each want to do
and why
but the thing is
if i do
or say
everything i think
my heart may be
in very much trouble

i at times vomit up
words
horrible words
either in poor order
or selection
maybe even
hurtful

i want to reach out and touch
touch a little longer perhaps
but i dont
cause i listen to one

cause they dont listen to eachother.