have you ever done something you werent proud of?
that you immediately regretted following
but it was somehow an act you knew you could commit again

i mean i have hooked up before
with at least two handfuls of people
and i dont think there is one i dont really regret in some way
but those people
no offense to them
were worth it
never was there a grain of truth in my delusions i had about they and i

i mean i would never commit those actions with someone i could see future with
or had invested true emotions in
i guess it must mean something when i want to commit regretable actions
but in the end
choose that it is better to have the relationship remain the same and grow from that point

this trip to sweden with the family only further proves
medication is in fact my friend
and that i am still very unhealthy and unstable

i
however
am a growing and changing person
who is still worth the effort
and time
and even though i have negative thoughts
they are no longer self defeating in the sense that
i would end my own life
they are limited to natural and pseudo natural causes
ending my life
no worries tho
it wont happen
or maybe it will
but it will not be known to me

lets also put this here

i really love some people
and i hope they read this

last i knew

one of them still did

thanks kevin

and thanks everyone else who may be reading this