i taste pennies

no its not normal
i want honesty
with communication

saying nothing isn't actually communication
explaining why you wont be speaking further
is communication

so i do what i want
not necessarily what i must
to get my answers
deception
seems to be a very american thing
use it to your advantage

i get answers
not necessarily the ones i want
but answers none the less
that add
some sense of finality
are welcomed
at some level

regardless how much like copper
they taste

let's review

i live a life
that is not always easy
as many lives are

i wish that i would have made different choices
i wish that i may have been made different

in my heart of hearts
i find myself
in my thoughts
and actions
always believing in a higher power
i find truth in Jesus and his father

i am quite aware that at this stage
that may very well be
not the easiest road

for my actions call out to me
that they are not pleasing

at night
like tonight
i am kept awake
by nagging suspicion
by negative self talk
and i cry out

god grant me the peace and serenity
so that i may sleep
so that i may rest
so that i may rise again

i feel once more
that i stand alone

that by being gay
and feeling that he is capable of all things
including having made me this way
i too can be an instrument of his work
but i still feel alone

i do not always feel his hand
his warmth
his love

but yet i continue to turn to him
i continue to hear a voice
telling me that there is someone

i don't know what to say anymore
i don't know how to continue

i feel afraid of the possibilities of my past life choices
i may have damaged things so much
that in my current view
i do not see many choices
chances
left for me

and for that i am sad
but i must remember that i
with love
with grace
with kindness
with devotion
with resilience
with perseverance
i can do what needs to be done

for whether or not i may believe always
that there is a god
and he gave us his son

i do believe
that if all of these things were true
or not
these stories
these men
these ideas
were written down
for a reason
and found a way into my life
for a reason
and that canot be ignore

so i ask
the expanse
let me improve every day
let me grow every day

let me grow in the definition of love
for love
as
in my idea
the common uniter of all religion
is all that matters

so if the lord is love
and his son was of love
let me live of that same beautiful basic

love
thats all i ever seem to want
and sadly
feel that i rarely felt

all you need is love
all i need is love

and maybe it is better
to love without reciprocation
than to have never loved at all
maybe that devotion
is a testament
to the spirit that dwells within you
and the backing that love has
that it will not cease
it cannot be stopped


and if this is true
i again
hear the calling of the lord
telling me
he did not make a mistake
not when making me
not with my sexuality
not with my choices
because he will use all of me
and it was his design that built me
and it is he who will not desert me
for in the end
i may be a testament to him

and if you come to think
that maybe
he is a selfish and praise needing lord
i beg this question
if he did create us
and all that is on this earth
would he
if he were a real man
not be a man of accolades and worth praise
for creating so many things
but lets stop for one minute
and think
on one creation
the human spirit
is hard to break
it bends
it can be lit aflame
and can drive a person
to do unimaginable
seemingly impossible things
that creation
something intangible
inside of every one of us
may be
the greatest creation of all

i am thankful for

second chances
heart
loyalty
love
friendship
music
passion
Schubert
German
French
Italian
the ability to sing
good fashion
my life of opportunity

this all feels trite
but every year
we are asked
to round the table
with
what we are thankful for

so what am i thankful for

i am thankful
that i have been brought up the way i have been
to think critically
to ask questions
and to never accept anything as best

this has always had me leaning into the wind
pushing myself forward
wanting more of myself and others around me
and at times
hating quite a bit of life

i have flown from end to end of extremes i can in my life
and i am thankful for that
that the experience i have is deep and wide

i am happy for the great things I have been able to do
i have an opportune life
that not everyone has
and i am thankful that I was dealt the hand i have been dealt

i also am quite happy for the mistakes i have made
and will make
mistakes and flaws remind me that things are real
imperfections make something perfect
at least in my own eyes

so here are to the fuck ups i will commit
and here is to me getting back up
as soon as i can

here is to the people who stand by me
through all of my bull shit
not always directed at them
but sometimes
the overflow ebbs in their direction

so here is to the man who seems to have
lived in my life for what feels like forever
i said my peace
but i don't want to be done
i doubt i ever will
i love you
and miss you

i hope we can pick up where we left off
like always

its an interesting feeling
attempting to unload
release back into
the wild

your
friends

losing them for whatever reason
not enjoyable

realizing that
some things
are merely superficial
a different
kettle of fish

all in all
it never ceases to amaze me
that friends
are always on my mind
and in my heart


this all felt quite trite but
with the best of intentions

i can do all i want
to attempt to not remember
not to forget
but to pass forward
beyond where you reside
in my memory

but day or days
hours or moments later
you return
as if
knocking on the door
ringing the bell
patiently waiting
smiling
through the shades

hello again
welcome home

you are a welcomed guest
whether i will be happy in the end
is debatable

here's what i want to say
what i know may need
to sing
to make you understand

i want my friends back
my life
my family
my fire
my passion
determination
honesty
love

i can't seemingly go backward
i cannot recreate the past
nor even similar conditions

doesn't mean i don't want to try
but that doesn't mean i will

god help me

another Linda Ronstadt feature. and James Ingram.

holds true. to this thought of mine. regardless the cheese.

let me be challenged
yell all you want
i am hyper critical
and that guides me rather well

i try to take control of the little things
my diet
my body
my soul
my heart

but my mind won't ever fall in line
neither will my heart
or my soul
or my body

now my diet...
there is an interesting idea
vegetarian

i just want my friends back
i want to have things be simple
i want to be in love
and be loved
i want to feel free
i want to fly
i want to be done with this state
and with this frame of mind

i want and want
i dream and dream
and i attempt to do and try

breathe motherfucker
breathe

let go

rain fall
breeze blow

sleep when it gets to hard
and get back up and try again

how do you have free time
how do you have free energy

how are you supposed to hang out with your friends
when their schedules are just as bad as your own

how do you relax
when your brain just won't slow the fuck down

how do you relearn
something you thought you already knew

how do you stay sane
when you feel like everything around you
can only add up
to you becoming crazy

these three
hang in my mind
eternally

i wonder why i am so possessive
not necessarily by action
but by emotion and feeling
surely

i don't want you to be friends with anyone
that could take you away from me
because i want to be with you

i fear that one
i know
would again remove you from me
or by my own choice
i would remove myself from
the two

i dont wish to be without you
and i desire not anyone to have you
but myself

but again reality is nagging
the possibility may yet not have arisen
the stars not aligned
however
even more possible
is that it may never be
and this may be one sided
forever

i love you
have loved you
and will continue to love you
for i see no end to what i feel
for
about
you

the reality of height in pairing

i wrote down the phrase

the reality of height in pairing

and i looked back at what i wrote
and am but only confused
ideas come and go
but not a one feels right

i wonder to myself
if it was
my reality
that petty height
can
and for some reason
does play quite a role in regards to
those i find attractive

does that idea make me vain
that i require a certain height
or desire
for lack of better terms

now sits
that maybe
in pairing
a subconscious ruling
holds us to its will
making sure that a natural balance occurs
like light to dark
tension to release

whatever did i intend
when i wrote
that phrase

its amazing what technology has done
even from the very beginning
the advent of the pencil to cross the quill
and there in turn comes the pen

the creation of the manual typewriter
to the electric
to the computer

we now can bury information in a picture
the way a newscaster sometimes
tried to bury the lead

but ever since the beginning of time
and written communication
there has been unused
space

space between letters
words
lines
the margins
and the letters themselves
made of negative space

space for meaning

within the margins there are a those words that wish to spill
forth from whatever means you have to write
to explain the idiosyncrasies of what you truly mean
to help the reader to explain
yourself

to read between the lines
to find the true meaning

to feel the love inside of the p b d and q

it is only too unfortunate
that to fill a medium completely
may mean nothing

that is why color can sometimes speak beyond words
or why a picture can speak droves

so here is the space between
the gravity and pull that holds it all together

goodbye
seems to be one of those words
that pervades language
from tongue to tongue

everyone has a word for it
and no one really likes saying it
not at least
with its true intent
good
bye

modern lyricists and songwriters
seem to reach a point
in their careers
where a goodbye song
is inevitable

as goodbye is
in and of itself
inevitable
in life

some of the most amazing songs
surround that word
that idea

even now
as i write this
i find a new song
i have never heard

that touches the very heart of me

that word
i never want to say
especially to you

but the days will come
where part of me wishes to speak those words

don't let those days fool you
because as far as i am concerned
my brain can think all it wants
my heart will speak
even when its hard
and it continues to tell me
that it loves you
and won't ever stop

these really are all the words i can muster.

i came home
to a place i deplore
and adore
for all the wrong
and all the right reasons

i was ready to get back to work
but had some things to clean up
i bowed my head
and took my lashes
but still had nothing to work on

by the time i received
what i was supposed
to work on
i was so distracted
i never got anything done
and i do mean
anything

i fucked things up with my best friend
and was shown
that a few people i know
were more than just merely petty

school starts
and i am raring to go
two days well played
day three

things crumbled

i can only hope
and attempt to make
day four and onward
be the best they can be

but this shit scares me
i don't want things to fall
further
apart

i want to be better
i wish to by my best

so i can get out of this place
this place
where the fences hold me in
and the sky seems to hold me down

i wish i was free to decide
trusted by those i give my trust to

i wish things weren't so complicated
like me

i wish i didn't feel the need to
go back to
counseling

but i feel alone
without a single ally

the cheese stands proverbially alone
and the farmer
who in some way
is associated with this dell
seems to give two shits
whether or not a rat picks me up and carries me away

blah
this is shit

i have returned to the flood plains
for lack of better monicker

and i have begun to wonder
if it is in fact
that the discourse
and unrest i feel
is due to
myself
or my experiences
mind you very well
that both are at times
one in the same

i merely wonder if these feelings are
good
or bad
possibly if they can be even deemed
as such

but what of how i feel
where is it coming from
and why
time and timing
reality versus
idealism

where does this stem from
and if possible
do i cut it down

the ancient world says
that we were born
with two heads
and four legs
in this form we were happy

the gods in their
wisdom
threw down lightening bolts
that split everyone in two

and by this action
we were forever to wander
the earth
in search of our other half

our soul mates

i used to think that soul mates
were true
and that there is only one match for one
puzzle piece

i grew to believe
that there were many pieces
that fit together
some better than others

now i wonder
whether or not either is true

i find myself
now
even during a time
that i would not describe as great
finding myself happy
and contented
in my own action
following my own heart

however
maybe half is complete
if soul mates do exist
so my emptiness
was two thirds
of one half

instead of one half of the whole
never to feel complete
until the other half is found

summer is ending
so well
i make a decision
that fucks up
maybe necessarily my relationship with
the one man i care more about
than anyone

and i was supposed to go to wedding
note supposed
i knew i wasn't welcome
but i was someone's date
and was pushed out
surprise surprise
jess was right

congrats to the petty
meddling is so highly looked upon

how was i supposed to react to this news
that was yet to be made official

vomit
it is amazing that i allow certain things to be
on my radar
when i clearly should not

thinking of you, even in movies that launched the career of a woman who would go on to act in early seasons of "Saved by the Bell." And later inspired a remake that would launch the career of a cokehead.

this endlessly reminds me of the morning we left london.

give me every cliche
or adage
that would apply to this situation
these moments
the thoughts in my head
heart and soul

because if i knew how to quit you
i would want to
whether or not i would
is a separate matter

if i could have you erased
a la eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
i would want to
whether or not i would
is all together divided

love is forever a torn
ideal
to allow someone that far in
without losing yourself

there are bound to be problems
and we can only hope there will be good

so here is to what i have said i am
a conflicting ball of emotions and ideas

i am a neutron cloud
a flying mass of ideas that are bound to collide
and when they do
i will have to come to the reality
of what i am
conflicted

in love
with you
still

watching the fagmalion episodes of will and grace breaks my heart. i wonder why? anyone wanna clue my sarcastic ass in?

i don't want to be in a one night stand with you
or even just a bender
i want to be with you forever

just give me a chance
not only you
but the universe
grant me the one thing i have circled for years

i am sick of the self preservation
wishing i was through with all of the things i do
in the end
to myself

i have said
that it is better to stand nearby you
than be apart from you
even when i have to watch things that hurt me
but i think the time has come
that maybe
standing so near
is causing me pain
in and of itself

on some level many of the things i have said in the past were true
and one stands to this day
still
maybe it isn't right

but maybe you don't deserve me
i may not always believe
those that compliment me
but i am not hideous
i am worthy of time and energy
give me a chance
pick me up off the floor where you seem to discard me
we get closer
and it hurts more
because i gain more knowledge and access
to the things you hid from me
for whatever reason

i love you
i have for the better part of a decade
when will this endgame begin
or end

i have realized two things during this birthday week... two week period.

1. for some people unconditional love that seems to be endless, may not be sexy

2. that maybe the reason things sometimes don't happen is not only cause they weren't supposed to, but that the conditions have yet to exist that would provide the event's possibility. and maybe inaction, second guessing and "ponderances" are also a part of this. that maybe even in the moments when it seems that these event horizons may possibly be approaching, it is better to succumb to the reality of the moment, rather than force the proverbial square block in the proverbial triangular hole -- if you so wish to use the children's toys metaphor.

i will continue to love. sexy or not. and one day, maybe, the conditions for my desired event, will align. and then and only then, may i know the true possibility of my desire.

i welcome all come-ers
with one hand open, palm up
and one hand cocked and in ready fist
i was here before you
i will be here after you
in the end your shit will be gone
while i still stand here
with him

will you?

I hear music
Mighty fine music
The murmur of a morning breeze up there
The rattle of the milkman on the stair
Sure that's music
Mighty fine music
The singing of a sparrow in the sky
The perking of the coffee right near by
That's my favorite melody
You my angel, phoning me
I hear music
Mighty fine music
And anytime I think my world is wrong
I get me out of bed and sing this song

=======================================

it doesn't matter who has come into my life
or who has gone
you were always there
if only in my mind

you haunt me
i remember you
anything important

it doesn't seem to matter
if anyone else matters
cause in the end there you are
you come into my mind

i love you
and cannot seem to ever let you go
and when i think that you have let me go
i realize that I have yet to let you

i love you
remember
i was there before
and i want to be there
let me give everything to you
everything for you

i love you