1. i do not the looks i believe i was given by one person i was not waiting on. you can stop. i know him too.

2. i do not enjoy the look one asst choir director gave me this evening. lady, listen, time off of school is necessary, not for everyone, but for me, yes.

3. i do not enjoy feeling like i am no one's first choice. and i also do not believe that i am no one's first choice cause they are all choosing themselves first (as they should) but am just merely not their first choice. also i am aware that it is the holidays and that people are busy. but this time of year merely drives the point that shows itself all year, all the way home.

4. i do not enjoy hanging out with people from high school cause it reminds me that so much of what i dont like about myself, is still inside of me.

5. i do not enjoy feeling like i am looked over or taken advantage of (in any sense) in my relationships. especially ones i do not care to lose.

6. i know that there are still feelings there. but things have definately changed. but maybe if we saw eachother more often and both put time and effort into our relationship, things would be/could be different.

7. i desperately need chris westra back in my day to day life.

8. steph hyatt is clear and away my best friend.

9. i love the people that are able to pick up where we left off and not talk about our past for more than 3 minutes.

10. hey crapids, why do you grow people so weird? and why do i have to want to die to talk to someone i really give a shit about.

11. sometimes, even if it doesnt involve me, gay comments and references and jokes, really get to me, and i do take it personally. for no reason. but for some reason i must. i am not asking for everyone to walk on eggshells. it just needs to be said.

12. i really do believe in what i am doing. i really wish that the people who werent on board with it and me, would just back off.

12. i wish my brother and sister and i were all closer.

13. i cannot wait for every doctors appointment i go to, cause it makes me feel better about life when i know i am going cause i want to be better and feel better.

14. i really am trying not to be a planner anymore. more of a liver, as dumb as that sounds. i really just want to be happy. theres my plan, get happy.

15. i am full of love. and i know that i don't always show that. but i do ask that if you possibly see anything in me, to take the time to get to know me. especially if i am taking the time to get to know you. and part of me thinks that sounds awful, but i am not willing to not say it.

16. i feel crazy when i write blogs, and that the people who read them will think that i am crazy and over-emotional.

17. i'm done for now.

this blog is dedicated to quite possibly, the best lyrics and sentiment put to work in any form or genre... in maybe the last 10 years.

to Brenda Russell, Allee Willis and Stephen Bray.

=
=

"Our Prayer"

I WANNA KNOW HOW THE WORLD GOES.
HOW FAR IS THE MOON?
HOW THE SKY CHANGES COLOR?
HOPE I FIND OUT SOON.

What you want?

I WANNA SIT AND DO NOTHING.
MAKE YOU A NEW DRESS.
HOPE MY BABIES ARE HAPPY,
SOMEPLACE GOD WILL BLESS.

Celie! Get to work!

AIN'T NO NEED TO DISCUSS.

IT AIN'T WORTH A BIG FUSS.

WHATEVER COME TO US
IS IN GOD'S HANDS.
WHEN I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP,
I WILL SAY MY PRAYER
THAT GOD LOVE ME SO DEEP,
HE WILL PROMISE OUR SOULS TO KEEP
TOGETHER.
I'LL SAY A PRAYER.

Who that man talkin' to Pa?

He lookin' for a new wife take care of his mean chirren.

I WANT TO MARRY NETTIE.
SHE A SWEET YOUNG GIRL.

She too young.

SHE'S THE CUTEST THING
IN THIS WHOLE WORLD.

She gonna be a teacher.

PICTURE ME IN A SCHOOLHOUSE
WITH MY COLLEGE DEGREE.
I COULD TEACH ALL MY CHILDREN
TO SPELL TENNESSEE.

You can have Celie, though. She too old to be livin' at home.

MAYBE I'LL HAVE A GARDEN
WHERE BIRDS COME TO SING.
KNOW A FINCH FROM A SPARROW,
FIX A BROKEN WING.

I don't want Celie. She ugly.

I WANNA HEAR YOUR BIRDS SING.

WANNA HEAR YOUR SCHOOL BELL RING.

NO MATTER WHAT LIFE BRING,
US IN GOD'S HANDS.

Whyn't you quit comin' 'round here and just go marry your Shug Avery?

SHUG AVERY

Who Shug Avery?

SHUG AVERY!

She Mister ol' girlfriend.

Shug Avery not a child-raisin' woman, you know that. She the Queen Honeybee.

She a low-down ho, is what everybody say.
You lookin' for a new Shug Avery, you better go to Memphis. All we got here is one
pretty gal you can't never have, and one ugly gal

. . . that work like a man. I-I-I-I
I-I-I-I REALLY WANT THAT GIRL.

I told you no!

WHEN I I WANNA
LAY ME DOWN TO MARRY
SLEEP, NETTIE.
I WILL SHE A
SAY MY PRAYER SWEET YOUNG GIRL.
THAT GOD LOVE
ME SHE THE
SO DEEP, SWEETEST THING
HE WILL IN THIS
PROMISE WHOLE
OUR SOULS WIDE WORLD.
TO KEEP TOGETHER. I-I-I-I
I'LL SAY A PRAYER I REALLY WANT THAT GIRL.

You want any kids?

Someday, I guess.
WE'LL LIVE IN BIG HOUSES.

PUT SWINGS IN THE TREES.

BRAID UP YOUR GRAY HAIR

IN THE COOL OF THE BREEZE.
AND ONE DAY
OUR CHILDREN WILL SING -
WHEN I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP,
I WILL SAY MY PRAYER
THAT GOD LOVE ME SO DEEP,
HE WILL PROMISE OUR SOULS TO KEEP
TOGETHER.
I'LL SAY A PRAYER.
I'LL SAY OUR PRAYER.


"Too Beautiful for Words"

You not ugly. You the grace of God if us ever see it.
You don't believe me.
Miss Celie . . . Miss Celie, look here. Look at yourself.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE KIND OF GAL
THAT HAD A LOT TO SAY.
I SAYS THE THINGS THAT'S ON MY MIND,
TOO DUMB TO SHY AWAY.
BUT YOU HUSH MY MOUTH AND STILL ME
WITH A SONG I'VE NEVER HEARD.
I GUESS THAT MEANS THAT YOU ARE JUST
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.
I'VE SEEN THIS LIFE FROM HIGH AND LOW
AND ALL THAT'S IN BETWEEN.
I DANCED WITH DUKES, CROONED WITH COUNTS,
BEEN COURTED LIKE A QUEEN.
BUT WHEN I SEE WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART,
ALL THE REST IS BLURRED.
THE GRACE YOU BRING INTO THIS WORLD'S
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.
YOU HIDE YOUR HEAD UNDER YOUR WING
JUST LIKE A LITTLE BIRD.
OH, DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL,
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS?
CELIE, YOU'RE TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.


"What About Love"

Harpo make a lot of money if you stay here and sing.

Yeah, but now you got me feelin' so much better, I got to get back on the road, make
some money, you know.

When you have to go?

In the morning. But I'll be back, too, in a month or so.
You'll see. Nobody ever love me like you.

Damn, girl.

IS THAT ME WHO'S FLOATING AWAY?
LIFTED UP TO THE CLOUDS BY A KISS,
NEVER FELT NOTHIN' LIKE THIS.

IS THAT ME I DON'T RECOGNIZE?
LOVE'S THE ONE THING I KNEW ALL ABOUT,
I HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT.

BUT WHAT ABOUT TRUST?

WHAT ABOUT TRUST?

WHAT ABOUT TENDERNESS?

TENDERNESS?

WHAT ABOUT TEARS WHEN I'M HAPPY?
WHAT ABOUT WINGS WHEN I FALL?
I WANT YOU TO BE
A STORY FOR ME
THAT I CAN BELIEVE IN FOREVER.

AND WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

LOVE?

WILL YOU BE MY LIGHT IN THE STORM?
WILL I SEE A NEW WORLD IN YOUR EYES?
WITH YOU MY WHOLE SPIRIT RISE.

AND WHAT ABOUT HOPE?

WHAT ABOUT HOPE?

WHAT ABOUT JOY?

WHAT ABOUT JOY?

WHAT ABOUT TEARS WHEN I'M HAPPY?
WHAT ABOUT WINGS WHEN I FALL?
I WANT YOU TO BE
A STORY FOR ME
THAT I CAN BELIEVE IN FOREVER.

AND WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

LOVE?

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT LOVE? . . .
SHUG CELIE
YOU AND ME YOU AND ME
YOU AND ME YOU AND ME, OH,
SENT TO ME
WHAT ABOUT
WHAT ABOUT
WHAT ABOUT
LOVE?
LOVE . . . ?


"The Color Purple"


God forgot about me!

God takin' his time getting around to you, I admit, but look at all he give us.
Laughin', and singin', and sex. Sky over our heads, birds singin' to us. I think it piss
God off if anybody even walk past the color purple in a field and not notice it. He
say, "look what I made for you."

God just another man, far as I'm concerned, he triflin' and lowdown . . .

No, Celie. God not some gloomy old man like the pictures you've seen of him.
God not a man at all.
GOD IS INSIDE YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE
THAT WAS OR EVER WILL BE.
WE COME INTO THIS WORLD WITH GOD.
BUT ONLY THEM WHO LOOK INSIDE FIND IT.
GOD IS THE FLOWERS AND EVERYTHING ELSE
THAT WAS OR EVER WILL BE.
AND WHEN YOU FEEL THE TRUTH SO REAL,
AND WHEN YOU LOVE THE WAY YOU FEEL, YOU'VE FOUND IT
JUST AS SURE AS MOONLIGHT BLESS THE NIGHT.
LIKE A BLADE OF CORN,
LIKE A HONEYBEE,
LIKE A WATERFALL,
ALL A PART OF ME.
LIKE THE COLOR PURPLE,
WHERE DO IT COME FROM?
OPEN UP YOUR EYES,
LOOK WHAT GOD HAS DONE.

You better be gettin' back. Your husband probably wonderin' where you are.

Where do you want to be, Celie?

With you.

All right then.

God gon' take me to live with you?

Come on.


"I'm Here"

I DON'T NEED YOU TO LOVE ME,
I DON'T NEED YOU TO LOVE.
I GOT . . .
I GOT . . .
I GOT MY SISTER.
I CAN FEEL HER NOW,
SHE MAY NOT BE HERE, BUT SHE STILL MINE.
I KNOW SHE STILL LOVE ME.
GOT MY CHILDREN.
I CAN'T HOLD THEM NOW,
THEY MAY NOT BE HERE, BUT THEY STILL MINE.
I HOPE THEY KNOW I STILL LOVE THEM.
GOT MY HOUSE.
IT STILL KEEP THE COLD OUT.
GOT MY CHAIR
WHEN MY BODY CAN'T HOLD OUT.
GOT MY HANDS
DOIN' GOOD LIKE THEY S'POSE TO,
SHOWIN' MY HEART
TO THE FOLKS THAT I'M CLOSE TO.
GOT MY EYES.
THOUGH THEY DON'T SEE AS FAR NOW,
THEY SEE MORE 'BOUT HOW THINGS
REALLY ARE NOW . . .
I'M GONNA TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
GONNA HOLD MY HEAD UP.
GONNA PUT MY SHOULDERS BACK,
AND LOOK YOU STRAIGHT IN THE EYE.
I'M GONNA FLIRT WITH SOMEBODY
WHEN THEY WALK BY.
I'M GONNA SING OUT . . .
SING OUT.
I BELIEVE I HAVE INSIDE OF ME
EVERYTHING THAT I NEED TO LIVE A BOUNTIFUL LIFE.
WITH ALL THE LOVE ALIVE IN ME
I'LL STAND AS TALL AS THE TALLEST TREE.
AND I'M
THANKFUL FOR EVERYDAY THAT I'M GIVEN,
BOTH THE EASY AND HARD ONES I'M LIVIN'.
BUT MOST OF ALL
I'M THANKFUL FOR
LOVING WHO I REALLY AM.
I'M BEAUTIFUL.
YES, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
AND I'M HERE.

i could sit and wonder everything about it and us
i would gladly cry and make a fool of myself
if it would help move us any further forward
but not necessarily if it would move us any faster
i want to write on your wall and make it obvious
and show up in your day to day life and make a scene
but i know that would accomplish nothing of what i wish
so i look to you now and and ask please
please very much help me to understand
what really has changed
beyond my location
but with you
i have been told by someone moderately crazy
that you have changed
not that i don't believe her
it's just that i think hesitation is worth it with her
but the likelihood that you have changed
i hope is high
but not in regards to leaving us where we once lay
i too have changed and grown
but without being there with you
you have no idea where i have gone, nor i you
i would love to talk with you
and sit with you
and wax on about any little thing how boring
but i feel as thought that is impossible now
and i know that i am essentially rambling on
but the amazing thing in this case
is that i feel like i have yet to hit my mark
my phase
where to the reader
if there is one
all would become clear
to where everyone would be unlikely not to understand
i just really love him
in the way that i do
which i know has quite a bit of merit for delving
and i understand that i am loud and brash
but i am a person of substance and worth investment
and after the initial moments
which by the way we have past that quite a long time ago
i tend to open up and show you
the person worth it all
and for me
you were worth it all
all my energy
all my time
not cause i wanted you or needed you
in any sexual way
in any way perverse
i needed you in my life
cause i had never experienced anything like you
any higher "thread count" in a person
a person of such quality that not only would
you on paper be worth volumes of research
but you would inspire songs and dances and poems that would be cronicled
oddly enough
also into volumes for the world to look over
i may scare you in some way
i may have caused you to take a load
because i could see
being my friend more than likely
isn't easy
but
if you did succumb to that
i am let down
i am sad
i am partly destroyed
but i doubt that
i want to know why you were too busy for me
when i have never shown you
to my knowledge
that i was too busy for you
what cause us to be where we are
and i hope you want to know as much as i do
but i feel like you dont wish to find out
maybe you are afraid
but i want to walk there with you
and find out
together
so at least, if even for a moment you and i will both remember
what we had before
as whatever we were
friends
brothers
work out partners
acquaintances
but even if that was supposed to be the last moment
i would have felt it one last time
and really
i still think
in my heart
that isn't too much to ask

i think i know some of the stupidest people.

i think i know someone i love dearly who for some reason cannot tell me the truth.

and i have so much to learn. and i love it all dearly, because i will love to see how it all works out.

to all of my relationships I have maintained over differences in proximity;

Alex and Steph
Alex and Mandy
Alex and Ana
Alex and Kevin


and countless others...

thank you for showing that distance is no burden.

and with a rush of feelings
an old friend returns

i feel alone
or destined perhaps
to be
i mean i look around
and i see those who continue living their lives
without me
and it makes me question
did i really have an impact
i mean sure they feel something
but can they really continue on
completely ok

now trust me
there is a part of myself
that knows that i sound crazy
and knows that this question
is a bit off kilter
i mean to ask if someone can truely live without you
do you really want them to not be able to
would you be ok with that
would you be able to exist inside the relationship
with that
knowing that

i dont think i could

but all the same

i wonder how much they think of me
how much they miss me
and if they all cried
like she did
when they knew i was gone
i wonder how they will all react
if i really didnt come back
at all

i am slightly surprised
in the moments
where i displace myself
just in the mind
from where i truely

driving down a road i am no longer in iowa
instead i am in new england
the lights go out as it storms outside
and now i am in WWII London

my mind
even when unaltered by substance
is quite amazing
seeing the things it wants to see
almost separate from myself

almost to let me dream
as well as to wake me up

i will also wait for you
till the day where you will come to me
finally accepting me
for what i am
the best option
i believe
for you
the one that has always loved you
and known
even before you knew
i didnt see you for a year
and the feelings dripped away
falling piece by soggy piece
until all the piece of this puzzle
were scattered and indistinguishable
and in one night
the puzzle
reconstructed
as if it had never been anything but whole
and in that moment
you threw my world back into chaos
more than it already had been
never will i be surprised by the gays
and the way they will stir my life up
bringing the brine to a boil

i will continue to wait
for you
and your word
finally saying that you
will accept my help
the help that has been waiting for you
all these years
the whole time

running way out loud
dancing through a day dream
trying to figure out
what the hell my life should be
i feel so stuck
--

i am just wondering where to go
and what to do
with all of this new information
and revived information

to act my age
to stay in school
in iowa
in ames
to move away


and to be done with all the drama in my life
gay or straight

i sometimes wonder
why i am the one putting in the effort
who has put in the effort for ages
and now i am still the one trying to make it work
i am not saying there is a sense of entitlement i hold on to
however i do wonder
but then again i am not in the same position
so i cannot say if i would do the same

however
it does make me wonder

i watch a --
from what i feel and see
-- clearly confused relationship
where both sides are incredibly young
and new to the world they live in

their actions
are not as they say they are
there is confusion
and frustration

i do wonder
how long it will last
how many times they will have to trespass
against one another

vapid meaningless sex
idle conversation
non-analytical thought processes
and slow if any forward movement in their life

hard to watch
but i will stand by
and wait
until i am needed
by their standards
or mine

there is part of me that wonders
and questions
everything about me
constantly
but there is part of me
who longs to not be that person
incidentally it is the same part as the questioning

i feel forty as a turn 21
i long to be my age
as well as act it

i wish to have what i need to do
and what i want to do to fall in line
together
so that all would be in agreement
maybe then there would be less conflict
and the execution of my wants and needs
would feel more possible

hey!
do you ever think that maybe just maybe
your relationship should exist
not based on sex
but based on an actual relationship
of emotions and commonalities and differences

no, of course not

you should continue to have your relationship exist as is
never questioning anything
acting like everything as it stands is perfect
that because your relationship is easy
and nothing is questioned

i have opinions that are reserved for my mind's ear only
and they arent the nicest
but know that neither your "other half" nor you
are safe from them
no one is above or below the other
but from my look on things
something's gotta change

have you ever done something you werent proud of?
that you immediately regretted following
but it was somehow an act you knew you could commit again

i mean i have hooked up before
with at least two handfuls of people
and i dont think there is one i dont really regret in some way
but those people
no offense to them
were worth it
never was there a grain of truth in my delusions i had about they and i

i mean i would never commit those actions with someone i could see future with
or had invested true emotions in
i guess it must mean something when i want to commit regretable actions
but in the end
choose that it is better to have the relationship remain the same and grow from that point

this trip to sweden with the family only further proves
medication is in fact my friend
and that i am still very unhealthy and unstable

i
however
am a growing and changing person
who is still worth the effort
and time
and even though i have negative thoughts
they are no longer self defeating in the sense that
i would end my own life
they are limited to natural and pseudo natural causes
ending my life
no worries tho
it wont happen
or maybe it will
but it will not be known to me

lets also put this here

i really love some people
and i hope they read this

last i knew

one of them still did

thanks kevin

and thanks everyone else who may be reading this

the people who are meant to see who you really are
be it loveliness or true grit and scars
they see it only if they were meant to
the people who do not understand you in the way you wish
were never meant to at all

one of my favorite things
is realizing how stupid things are
when you look back
how unimportant moments were
the minuscule impact they have now
or even looking at the behavior
of a group or an age
and knowing what you know now
about their actions
when you commit them

the only part about it
that i dont like
are when you realize that
you have been doing this
a long time
and you in turn
haven't had many
of those moments yourself

odd enough i guess
to somehow want moments
that later in life you wouldnt mind having been without

i guess i never thought about it
ya know
having a different voice
not this one
not to say that it would be trained differently
or had different experiences
but to have just been born with
a different voice
or even odder
to
have had the voice i have now
and to have lost it
and had it replaced
by something that is not my voice
but still have it have had
the same experiences and training somehow
odd
i guess i should thank my lucky stars for the one i got
and forsake the moments i hate it
because the moments that it is glorious
far outnumber the times it is not

only fitting i guess
that a friend of mine
would be thinking
even though just merely entertaining
fictitiously
the ideas i once harboured as a twelve year old
so the idea is that
life at times does not seem worth living
and that the ending of ones life
may be the answer
however it is not
especially the answer to all problems
because the one "problem"
it would could maybe should fix
would only be opening in a can of worms
leading to more negative feelings
resulting more than likely
in more people that you would expect
remorse guilt sadness and countless question
of why and how things could have been different

now oddly enough i found a way to again apply a lesson
from this now 8 going on 9 year old time of life

so leap with me here

if you love someone
set them free
(thank you sting)
i mean its like this
i am not saying to let them go
but its if you love someone
and you they do not necessarily reciprocate
the feelings
dont keep putting your hand in the flame
instead love the person for being there at all
because they could not exist ever in your life
or even worse
be taken from you without notice

i found myself
looking back
at the things
i once said
were part of who i am

i know when i wrote it
i must have attempted at
unbridled writing
with no filter
but at some point
started grasping for straws

some of the things i wrote down maybe came from the soul
without thought
just with inner truth
and some things came
as self destroying

but now if i were to be asked who i was
i would hope i would say
that i am alex brosseau
someone who seems to care "too much"
who is emotional
who has a vested interest in everyone
and is loyal beyond all means
also mixed up
but working down the road to happiness
which is my ultimate goal
to just be happy
with myself

i found myself last evening wish to write
but holding off
on the purpose of awkwardness
and i ne're felt so stifled
to avoid that feeling again
would be great

have you ever wondered how your life would be
if it were different
i mean if you were famous now rather than
possibly later
or if you weren't the way you look
not to say better nor worse
possibly if you were the same but you just took
different roads
in the end that were making you a different person
than who you are as you think these things

would you be happier?
healthier?

i am not pointing trying to point these things
i am not trying to do anything to hurt anyone
know that i am changed
from where i once was
i am not the same man
i have grow so much
made mistakes
learned lessons
so please
dont second guess yourself
you are good
you have great parts
and parts that need work
just like everyone
but remember
tread lightly
for not everyone sees your path
your journey
and cannot sympathize with you
or imagine or understand

have you ever had a piece of music stuck in your head
not a piece of music
but maybe a line
even without words
where it seems to perfectly express what you feel
and in stead of it just being stuck
it is actually reflective of whats going on
how you feel

ever find yourself
in a moment
where you know you want to cry
but trying is futile
and you dont think it is possible
where you search for a song
a movie
that will bring you to your knees
in a pool of your own tears

---------------------------------------

it seems that i have these moments
where i cannot believe
what anyone says
who i am
that i could be a good person
an attractive person
a person worth being friends with

these moments where i find myself talking
to those that mean the most to me
but still the most to me feels like nothing

having moments with these people sometimes

maybe results in this lull
or seperation
where all i can do is worry
worry about what i have done
if it was good or bad that is happened
and think ill of myself

these are the moments
i try to make less frequent
the moments i try to rid myself of
the moments i dont want to live
thats why i talk
thats what i keep going
thats why i want to stop

i guess in the end it was a good evening
and odd evening
full of moments of
not so much trepidation but surprise
i mean i found myself
so many times
with words coming out of my mouth
that surprised even myself
but it was great
it was a good conversation
it was a good evening
it was just surprising to me
i really dont know else how to put it
to talk the way we did
to interact the way we did
to understand each other the way we do

and even more surprised as the evening continues

so this is where i am at
i still feel
energy stifled
which in turn leaves me feeling emotionally constipated (thanks for the verbiage kevin)
so right now
i have been quiet
and really unable to express myself
which BLOWS
i read a fair amount today during day 1 of tour
which by the way
i hated
cause i hate choir


i still feel very alone
in just about every sense
and i felt a really nice embrace two times today

i say to myself
as well as others
this town is absolute parp for people like me
whether i believe it or not i think isnt debatable
but whether or not i have accepted is
is another story

why cant i find someone that even
fulfills a single criteria
that i hold

maybe its cause i despise most gay men
that are around this area...
i'd like to say i know that i deserve one
but i cannot say such things truthfully

and even when i ask opinions from other people
and get the answer i wish to hear
i dont accept it as truth
because for some reason i think they are lying?
or if they arent
they must be the only one to see it as such

and now it seems i cannot keep focus
or clearness of mind
so i will be done

so if you are reading this
and for some reason thinking that this would be great to send to someone
really
go fuck yourself
this is my space
i dont hand this link out
for a reason
this is theraputic for me
and when i get told my a councelor to write my opinions and thoughts here
its for MY medical benifit
so really
bite me

this is for me
not for you
this is me getting it out here
this isnt for you to get me in trouble

have you ever wanted to cry out
in agony and angst
to attempt to tell the world
how you feel
and you know that no words would escape you
only unpatterned and indistinguishable noise
but we hope
that someone
within range
will hear it
and listen
and make sense of our incoherency
who is that person for me
can i be that person for you

i wish that people would realize
the impact of touch

tonight i did lay with a man
for less than 10 clicks of a clock
and it was enough
to warm my heart
remove the anger from my heart
and focus on the life
that i was interacting with

this man was no one that i am in love with
it is a man that i love
like many people that i love


it is people like him
that make my life worth it
people that i can help
that can also help me

people that help to fulfill and two way street

it was a moment
that turned into one of those hopefully passing times
where you feel incredibly unwanted
like no one finds you worthy
where the thoughts creep into your head
and you know they shouldn't be there

at least you know well enough to say they aren't true
and feel that in your heart that you're right about it


i guess it is one of those times
that help you to find yourself

but not to measure yourself by

I Believe In You and Me
I Believe That we will be
In love eternally
Well as far as I can see
You Will Always be the one
For me (Oh yes, you will)

And I believe in dreams again
I believe that love will never end
And like the river finds the sea
I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe In you and me

I will never leave your side
I will never hurt your pride
When all the chips are down, baby
Then I will always be around
Just to be right where you are
My love, you know I love you, boy

I will never leave you out
I will always let you in, boy (mmm, oh baby)
To places no-one's ever been,
Deep inside, can't you see?
That I believe in you and me

Maybe I'm a fool
To feel the way I do
I will play the fool forever
Just to be with you forever

I believe in miracles
And love is the miracle
And yes, baby you're my dream come true
I was lost, now I'm free,
Oh, baby cuz i believe, i do believe, in you and me
See, I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe in you and me.

------------------------------

what a song
what a voice
and its all there because of love
and all of her second chances
are because of love
i am full of it
love that is
give me a second chance
for the last time
no more lives after this
i will do it this time
no promises
no word
just results

some people just do things right
and sometimes the people that
have this information disseminated to them
do it well
and sometimes they dont

everybody has a purpose
and a niche
and thats important
for identity
but who is to say
that things cant change
a testing of waters perhaps
a change of pace
anything is possible
am i right

cause we are supposedly capable of anything

sometimes all i want to come home to
is not my home
not my apartment
but another's
to slip into bed with the one i love
to be able to slip into their bed
and even sleeping know their embrace

what it is to lay with someone
it is merely exquisite
i have known it so few times
which only makes it's meaning greater

i long for companionship
for someone to make me better and i them
for someone to eat with and sit with
to wake with and tire with

to have someone to sing to me
and whisper to me sweet things
to have someone who writes me
and causes my nose to itch
and my stomach to excite

to have my problems be fixed
to smile and know that all will be mended
no questions asked
no consequences

but it seems that the latter is impossible
i am powerful beyond measure?
how do i tap into that

if a person is to devote hours upon hours to something
wouldnt you want it to be beneficial to you for the rest of your life?
i mean sure there are two major options
something that will make me money
and something that will give me a greater base for continuing education in that area
i mean to me, in the end if you are given a great base
that means that you normally can keep learning
and keeping going forward
in regards to technique
that normally means a lengthier career in it if you so choose it
so ya know what

why not go the extra mile and have choreography be technical
why not go the extra mile to teach your kids real vocal technique

we wonder why things are not how they used to be

maybe in part cause we dont teach them the things that made the past great

ok so really i never write on here for just the sake of venting
so here we go

i want to fire a lot of people
anyone that allows bad teachers to teach
anyone that is a bad teacher
anyone who is unfit for their job
anyone who is teaching and lazy
anyone who is a teacher and unwilling to keep learning
anyone who doesnt realize that everyone is SOOO CAPABLE of ANYTHING

i am really very sick of watching great people who want to teach turn into people who accept what the "great" teachers say. and by great teachers i mean teachers who have taught for years, teachers who win, teachers who are retired, teachers who are respected...

cause ya know what

1. it isnt about winning and NEVER should be
2. most teachers (90% at least) really dont know enough
3. by not knowing enough respect is given to undeserving people
4. experience doesnt always result in the best wisdom because some people dont have their eyes and ears open to everything that the world offers


there are sooo many teachers that i have seen, heard, watched, been taught by, heard about that shouldnt be where they are

teachers who teach not enough
teachers who play games
who play favorites
teachers who make students believe that they are god
teachers who teach incorrectly
teachers whose whole philosophy is wrong
teacehrs who are RUINING the future

so what is it
when did it happen
who is repsonsible for this?
when did someone let their standards fall? when did teachers start allowing bad things to happen or to continue?

i am sick of the jaw wabbles.... and by that i mean laryngal tension that extends into the jaw and stick and causes nodes

i am sick of doppler dinamics that dont teach musicality

i am sick of students being unable to read music

i am sick of showchoirs dancing and singing not at the same time

i am sick of students thinking its about winning

i am sick of the singing of 2pt music by 4A choirs

i am sick of the amount of money being spent on a choir on their appearance rather than using that money to bring in people to help them with their problems and make them better

i am sick of teachers telling students they are the wrong voice part and teaching them the wrong voice part

i am sick of teachers telling their students to do things pedagogically incorrect

i am sick of teachers who dont hold to their word

i am sick of teachers who cant do what they teach

why cant showchoir be about the singing while dancing except for the ballad where you just stand and sing. why do groups have costumes for each number and sets and lights and effect and props... is it to distract us from what they cant do well? why are ballads only 4

pts.... if you are just standing and singing why dont they sing harder music if there is more energy to put in it? and btw whats with arrangements sucking? maybe its cause we failed the arrangers in some way by not forcing them to be better by having higher standards? why do choreographers have soo many pitfalls? maybe them too on the standards... and to these directors who are making these decisions about costuming props arrangements and their choir members? they too have been failed...

maybe just maybe we should fire people from now on, who arent good. maybe we shouldnt give people certificates to teach

if you have to have nodes because of how you were taught
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

if you bust a lip because of how your trumpet teacher teaches
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

if you develop carpal tunnel syndrome because of how you hold your mallets
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

its the same thing as being hit by a teacher world


if you believe that your shit dont stink and its all about winning
your teachers has caused you mental harm


its the same thing as the residual effects of molestation by a teachers

thats gonna be thousands of dollars to therapy to fix it... hopefully

so ya know what
teachers keep on mental raping your students and beating them till they are blue

cause thats what you are doing

uh

i know i will be back with this...

so i dont think i could fathom
what in the hell i would do
if i witnessed my child
being stood up
what would you say?
how are you supposed to react?

i just cant imagine

maybe the concept of death
truly is just a natural part of love
maybe it is a simple as
the worlds gift to one
who has fulfilled all of ones prophecy
maybe its the release from duty
the reward
for doing what was required of you
and sometimes what was not

whether the part they played
was cast upon it
a positive light or none such
the role was necessary

so play the role
and follow you heart the best you can
for it can only lead us to where
we can go
a little faster

i find it hard to say
that what i feel is not wrong
the attraction between two bodies
but
my quizzical nature brings me to
the idea that maybe just maybe
that if such a relationship
is based in love
true love
that if the two are in the truest form
lovers
how could that be wrong
two persons who would give their all
for one another
in every way
every energy passion and fire
life limb and happiness for that person

the moments of love are gifts from the world
and maybe its time we start remembering that
whatever your definition of love
and wherever it is in the journey
it is real to those involved
and we are not to push ourselves
upon it
so
let us celebrate the gift of love
between those common and not so

as i seem to have said more and more recently
love in any form is better than hatred

the sky adorns the earth with magic
everything sparkles as if new
the air is crisp and fresh
nothing is touched
a single figure transverses the purity
not wishing to soil it
he moves not so silently through the early morning
his vision is hindered
but he does not care
he drives himself
through the world around him
which seems to simple
and pure
in his heart knowing nothing
but the idea of this world
and its wonder

the "adult" idea
of staying up late
to watch the new year rise
and the old one fall

where does it come from?
does it come from the idea that
adults do it
all of them
and wish to in addition?

i found myself of late
not anticipating the event

not caring of my plans
or if i had someone to kiss

i merely found myself
yearning for reflection
for the purpose of betterment
and quiet

not surrounded by others
comsuming beerages
assorted substances

i was merely fine
with where i was
with my thought

my only change
would to have been alone with them