Friday, October 21, 2005

Have you ever been passionate
about anything?
cause i have

every time i hear a tune
i weep
for all it means

Why do i love you
the way i do?

-----------------------

The people I love
dont compare to you

the words i write
to express myself
mean nothing
when placed around you
you shine light
through them
makeing them
transparent
leaving nothing
but my wordless
endless
love

---------------------

Every tear i shed
is for you
but worry not
they are for my love
for you
not from pain

you do not cause me pain
the master plan does
you did not do these things
nor did i
they happened
and we let them
because we cannot control them
but i love you
wether you say it or not
i love you

-------------------------------------

Trying to find the words
for poetic meaning
bites

trying to be original
when all things have been said
bites

But none of it means anything
you enter my mind
and ruin all progressive thought

but is ruin the right word?

No

you are my light
my guidance
you are everything
you dont want to be
in me
for me
but its what i want
you
just you
forever

-----------------------------

(Poem inspired by form of "The Early Bird" By Ted Kooser)

Now silent with dead air
on the edge of one more tomorrow

and there is still hope
the light still shines

making all that doesnt matter
transparent

love it seems remains
to reign overall

purging the bad
from the day

out of the negative
win over loss

one moment at a time

Friday, October 14, 2005

where do i go?
how do i feel?
someone give me
some fucking direction
i have questions
that will never be answered
because to say the least
i cant handle them
how do i accept that?
how do i not get out
of my bed in the morning?
how when i do
od people not recognize
the triumph of all of that?
how do i love
and lose that love
how do i dare be attracted
to someone i dont love
i want a physicality
but i know
that it wont fill the void
did i truely love him
does he love me
does he care?
why do i fuck up life
how do i manage to miss
2 lessons of growth and learning
why do i feel like god
hates me
why does nothing seem to go my way
that i truely care about
why do the things i thought
that i once care about
mean nothing to me now?
why do i feel
so good around
a woman
why does she love me
why does it hurt to hear it?
why does it hurt to know
that even if i was straight
that there could be no us
why do i feel like
the world is out to end me
that i have things
hidden from me
that i will never know
why am i blessed with what i have
when none of it means much to me
compared to love
compared ot him
but does he mean that much?
why do i not go to class?
why do i lie about things
why do i avoid my life
why did i stop taking my meds
what is keeping me from killing myself
cause i would love to know
what it is
and thank it
for what it is
be it an angel
and person
a memory
an event
whatever it is
it is my strength
my rock in a weary land
my old school valley singers
my Iowa State Singers
my music
my beauty
my truth
my freedom
my love
why is it that only in poems
i have clarity
but only following
wading through the questions
and negativity
what keeps me from jumping to this point
but even with clarity
why wont the questions stop
or quiet
always loud
always constant
grant me peace
grant my quiet
grant me serenity
grant me more strength
grant me your god
your religion
something to beleive in
something to make it make sense
not this
grant me this to be over

Friday, October 07, 2005

"Don't Cry" - As performed by Seal

Don't be so hard on yourself.
Those tears are for someone else.
I hear your voice on the phone.
I hear you feel so alone.
My baby.
Ohh my baby.
Please my baby,
My baby,
When we were young,
And truth was paramount.
We were older then,
And we lived our life without any doubt.
Those memories,
They seem so long ago.
What's become of them? When you feel like me I want you to know.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry,
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry,
Tonight.
My baby.
Today I dreamed,
Of friends I had before.
And I wonder why.
The ones who care don't call anymore.
My feelings hurt.
But you know I overcome the pain.
And I'm stronger now,
There can't be a fire unless there's a flame.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry.
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry oh...
Limousines and sycophants,
Don't leave me now,
Cause I'm afraid what you've done to me.
Is now the wolf.
In my bed,
In my head.
In my head.
In my head.
The challenges, we took were hard enough.
They get harder now.
Even when we think that we've had enough.
Don't feel alone,
Cause it's I you understand.
I'm your sedative,
Take a piece of me whenever you can.
Don't cry.... you're not alone.
...don't be so hard on yourself...
Don't cry.... tonight my baby
...Those tears are for.....someone else...
Don't cry.... you'll always be loved
...I hear your voice on the phone...
Don't cry.... tonight sweet baby
...I hear you feel... so alone.
Don't cry... don't cry... don't cry... don't you cry...
Cry... Don't cry...
Cause you still be loved
Don't cry
Don't cry tonight
Ohh..
My baby my baby my baby my baby my baby my baby my baby
my baby my baby my my baby my baby my baby my baby mymy baby my baby my baby
My baby....
Don't cry tonight
You'll still be loved

-------------------------------

I thought randomly of Seal tonight. I was all the sudden drawn back to this song which I fell in love with for a while. I went on this whole rampage of how it needs to be done as a show choir ballad arranged by Jason Krigas. Amazing disonances into more dumbfounding consanances... it'd just be awesome. Today I went without meds ... day 2 without meds... up and down all day long. Thats how it worked... my nights seemed to horrible anymore... really bad... this song, just made me think of a mantra I should apply to myself. Just like a mantra I hate, "Don't Cry". Just like the mantra I think Trey lives by. I dont know anymore... I Love Trey Critz. And so badly want to beleive he loves me. But no words have come. And I try not to doubt that they will... hm... Love is the best and worst emotion ever. End of that.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

"Sun & Moon" From Miss Saigon

[KIM]
You are sunlight and I moon
Joined by the gods of fortune
Midnight and high noon
Sharing the sky
We have been blessed, you and I

[CHRIS]
You are here like a mystery
I'm from a world that's so different
From all that you are
How in the light of one night
Did we come so far?

[KIM]
Outside day starts to dawn

[CHRIS]
Your moon still floats on high

[KIM]
The birds awake

[CHRIS]
The stars shine too

[KIM]
My hands still shake

[CHRIS]
I reach for you

[BOTH]
And we meet in the sky!

[KIM]
You are sunlight and I moon
Joined here
Bright'ning the sky
With the flame
Of love

[BOTH]
Made of
Sunlight
Moonlight
-------------------------

"Listen To My Heart" Written By David Friedman

Here we are, you and I at last.
in the right place, at the right time.
Every dream I've dreamed have come to pass,
cause you're right here, and your all mine.
I can't believe the years of holding back are through.
And I can finally share what's in my heart, with you...
Listen, listen.
Listen to my heart, listen to it sing.
Listen to my voice, it wants to tell you everything.
There's so much to say, I don't know where to start.
But if you want to know the love I'm feeling,
listen to my heart.
All my life, I've been on a road.
Going one way, toward one dream.
The road would wind, and down it I would go.
Always searching, never finding.
But even in my darkest hour I always knew that
someday, somehow, the road would lead to you.
And words can't express how my heart's filled with
happiness. Listen to it.
Listen to my heart, listen to it sing.
Listen to my voice, it wants to tell you everything.
Listen to my song, listen to it soar.
I've waited all my life for this one moment.
I'm not waiting anymore.
Listen to my heart, as it cries for all the years
that it was lonely.
Listen to my heart, as it smiles to know that now,
after so long, I can finally sing my song.
And you're here, and you're listening, you're listening.
Listen to my voice, as it will tell you everything.
All about a life that's just about to start.
For if you want to know how much I love you,
listen to my heart. Listen to my heart.
------------------------------------------------------

"One More Night" - as performed by Phil Collins

One more night, one more night
I've been trying ooh so long to let you know
Let you know how I feel
And if I stumble if I fall, just help me back
So I can make you see

Please give me one more night, give me one more night
One more night cos I can't wait forever
Give me just one more night, oh just one more night
Oh one more night cos I can't wait forever

I've been sitting here so long
Wasting time, just staring at the phone
And I was wondering should I call you
Then I thought maybe you're not alone

Please give me one more night, give me just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
Please give me one more night, ooh just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
Give me one more night, give me just one more night
Ooh one more night, cos I can't wait forever

Like a river to the sea
I will always be with you
And if you sail away
I will follow you

Give me one more night, give me just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
I know there'll never be a time you'll ever feel the same
And I know it's only words
But if you change your mind you know that I'll be here
And maybe we both can learn

Give me just one more night, give me just one more night
Ooh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
Give me just one more night, give me just one more night
Ooh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
-----------------------------------------------------------

"You Were Meant For Me" - as performed by Sting

life was a song, you came along
I lie awake the whole night through
If i should dare, to think you care
this is why I said to you
you were meant for me,
and i was meant for you
nature freshen too and when she was done
you were all those good things, roll into one
you're like a plative melody, that never less will be
I'm content that the angel must have sent you
and they made you just for me.
you're like a plative melody, that never less will be
I'm content that the angel must have sent you
and they made you just for me
-----------------------------------------------------------

"Can't Stop Loving You" - as performed by Phil Collins

So you’re leaving
In the morning
On the early train
But I could say everything’s alright
And I could pretend and say goodbye

Got your ticket
Got your suitcase
Got your leaving smile
Oh, I could say that’s the way it goes
And I could pretend and you won’t know
That I was lying

Because I can’t stop loving you
No, I can’t stop loving you
No, I won´t stop loving you
Why should i

We took a taxi
To the station
Not a word was said
And I saw you walk across the road
For maybe the last time, I don’t know

Feeling humble
Heard a rumble
On the railway track
And when I hear the whistle blow
I walk away and you won’t know
That i´ll be crying

Because I can’t stop loving you
No, I can’t stop loving you
No, I won’t stop loving you
Why should i

Even try
I´ll always be here by your side (why why why)
I never wanted to say goodbye
I´m always here if you change, change your mind

So your leaving
In the morning
On the early train
But I could say everything´s alright
And I could pretend and say goodbye
But that would be lying,no

Because I can´t stop loving you
(can´t stop loving you)
No, I can´t stop loving you
(I won´t stop loving you)
No, I won´t stop loving you
Why should I even try
Because I can´t stop loving you
(can´t stop loving you)
No, I can´t stop loving you
(that´s all I can do)
No, I won´t stop loving you
Why should i
(why should I)
Why should i
(tell me why)
Why should I even try
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
=================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have had some "fun" the past couple days. I ran out of meds. So Monday was a fun day. Then I realized I need to kick my own ass in piano. So I did. And I continue to. More each day. Oh and the same goes for voice too. I am doing NATS. WOO?!? Oh and then TODAY! Piano, Voice, actually goin to classes, piano class, a aural exam, and then an interview since I am gay. woo?!? Oh and then all of the sudden I have a "Down with Love" moment and hate the world. Then I start listneing to music, start crying... thats a definate NO WOO. So here are the songs that really got to me.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

I take pills
To regulate my mood
To alleviate the negative
So that everything will
Have a cheery disposition
The negative thoughts
Still occur in my mind
However not as prevalent
I think these pills numb
Me to all that I do feel
To the pain of love
To the pangs of yearning
Do they hinder
My want to go to him
My desire for love
Do they block my memory
Of all that we had
Or do these pills make me
Think everything is good
That everything regardless
Will end up in the end
Cheery as it all started
Do I really want this
This affected life?
---------------------------Why is it
That I wish
To run to you
And yet I stop
Myself from that
When more than anything
I wish to be near you
To feel your warmth
Your slight frame
To smell the smoke
On your being
To touch you
To hold you close
And never let go
Because I love you
But I stay away
Miles to go to get to you
That could be crossed so easily
But yet it seems
As though I do not wish to go
Although the yearning
Burns intensely as
The full moon shines
On a dark night
With a barren sky
When will the day
Come where I stand
And run to you
------------------------
The day will come
That I will run
Straight to you
But what will you say
How will you respond
Will you accept me
With open arms
Or will you remain
As distant as we currently
Stand apart
And distanced
The demeanor that cuts
So deep that the wounds
Will not heal
They will only bleed
I wish
More than anything
That you will not stand
That you will run to meet
Me on road
And embrace me
Just like you once did
And that things will start
From the moment they stopped
For they never have
It was only quiet
But never done
Never will it end
Even when we both end
This will not be the end
Of the love I have for you
And the love I hope and wish
That you have for me
------------------------------------
I can say the things
I wish to hear you say to me
I Love You
You say that you do
Not wish to be hurt
And you did not wish to start
Or end the way things did
But I Love You
And will remain doing such
Until the end of time
And if those words
Are never uttered by you
There will be a part of me
That will burn intensely for them
But I do Love You
And that what counts
Because nothing can change my Love
For you
Your actions seem to speak
So much louder than words
And I wish to interpret
Your actions as such
To say that you love me
But I do not wish to assume
I do not wish to hurt more than I do
So I do not lead
I do not jump
I do not wait but
I won’t mind
If they come