Wednesday, December 07, 2005

so I hate goodbyes
but part of me
does wish to say farewell
to this place
this house that allowed
me to live there
more than allowed
wanted me to be there
it seems that things
have changed more
than with just me
it seems that opinions
have changed
to multiple degree
all said I was in
8 said I was unfit
at the current time

I say so long once more
to the person I am today
and welcome the person
that I am becoming
the people I will keep
and not leave behind
will continue
to help me grow
but then again
as will the people who
I leave behind

I guess the moral is
all things have changed
and therefore grown
so all is well

light in the dark
color in the world of black & white
heat in the baren cold
always hope
always love
always Alex

Friday, November 25, 2005

Oh the effect
on a person
of music
that music has
the innability to cope
the ability
to bear the weight
of the world
on ones shoulders

when I write
its as though
I could have
the darkest day
hour
moment
and listen
to all that is
beautiful
and the fog
is lifted from me
my day

it used to be
that reverse
could be true
yet I find
that somehow
things have changed
not of my choice
not that I mind
but darken my door
can music no longer

brighten life with music
for all music has beauty
"dont just listen to good opera,
listen to ALL opera"

-------------------------------

I seem to feel
more often than most
that I am without
a place to call home

I live in a place
that some call home
some call a house
I call it nothing
I have grown there
I have learned there
felt all there is to feel
there

yet there is a place
that I was raised in
went to school from
and returned after
a place where I took my steps
cried at night
felt lost

now I search for a place
where I can feel
all of what I have felt
except will that be home?
it may be
that I have just been leaving
what I could
should be
considering home
home is where the heart is
this house is not a home
when you are alone
what to say of love
what to say of life

who needs a home
who needs people
who needs love

I do

-------------------------------

Am I one of them
one of those people
who needs others
who needs reassurance
who needs a pat on the bag
or more?

What is wrong with
being that person
to need love
to need companionship
to need encouragement

I find myself surrounded
by great persons
who all are these people
people
who have in mosts eyes
NO reason
to be sad
anything but stellar
but they are humas
just like everyone else
yet still unique
I have people
that feel the gambit
create beauty
lack confidence
look down on themself
on others
but seem to
give encouragement
that often
they themselves dont take
we are all aware of such
hypocracy

at least we arent naive
or ignorant
we are the people
that live the life
our life
no one else living
it for us
we can walk the path
and say we gave
our all
to all

--------------------------

You sit in
like a protest
where my body
has sinned against you
so you demand rights
and an ear
in my mind

you dominate my thoughts
you dominate my breaths
my movement
my all
this I mind
normally you in my life
is a positive
but this I will not tolerate
you hurting me is not an option

I do the best to live my life
but I must keep you off
out of my mind

I now choose
to call you
on this
this day of thanks
to thank you
for all of you
every moment
every thought
everything thing
that ever included you
even by association
without you
I would not be who
I am right now
or who I will one day be

yet I call you
and the call is awkward
not of my choice
you say its nothing you do
nor is it me
I wish to say but dont
for with you
I often feel
that I am fighting
a negative
triple digit tempature
storm
up a hill
on a grade so steep
it makes me feel
as though
its not worth it
but without you
I am not who I am
nor who I will be
so why not involve you more
you have done good
annd even the negative
you could bring
will bring thought
epiphany
knowledge
happiness
in the end

-----------------------------

I havent written before or after an entry in a while. I feel as though I should. So here what I have to say in reflection of thanksgiving; THANK YOU. I took my mothers advice this year and took some time to think what I am thankful for. Rather than what, I did who. I dont wish to say, that these people are the TOPS of my list, however, these are people that I have always maintained are beyond people, they are transcendent. The following people, I am thankful for, in every way;

Burton Hable - Student, Friend, Brother, Musician, Future Colleague, Inspiration
Michael Reese - Teacher, Friend, Mentor, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Caleb Thompson - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Karen Downing - Teacher, Friend, Editor, Future Colleague, Writer, Inspiration
Clark Bowden - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Connie Mulligan - Teacher, Choreographer, Friend, Future Colleague, Inspiration
John Hickling - Teacher, Father Figure, Friend, Future Colleague, Mentor, Inspiration
Tommy Dawson - Friend, Brother, Student, Beleiver Of Love, Inspiration
Kelly Kruse - Student, Friend, Musician, Poet, Bohemian, Sister, Inspiration
Dr Simonson - Teacher, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Sarah Thompson - Student, Friend, Sister, Musician, Inspiration
Oh the effect
on a person
of music
that music has
the innability to cope
the ability
to bear the weight
of the world
on ones shoulders

when I write
its as though
I could have
the darkest day
hour
moment
and listen
to all that is
beautiful
and the fog
is lifted from me
my day

it used to be
that reverse
could be true
yet I find
that somehow
things have changed
not of my choice
not that I mind
but darken my door
can music no longer

brighten life with music
for all music has beauty
"dont just listen to good opera,
listen to ALL opera"

-------------------------------

I seem to feel
more often than most
that I am without
a place to call home

I live in a place
that some call home
some call a house
I call it nothing
I have grown there
I have learned there
felt all there is to feel
there

yet there is a place
that I was raised in
went to school from
and returned after
a place where I took my steps
cried at night
felt lost

now I search for a place
where I can feel
all of what I have felt
except will that be home?
it may be
that I have just been leaving
what I could
should be
considering home
home is where the heart is
this house is not a home
when you are alone
what to say of love
what to say of life

who needs a home
who needs people
who needs love

I do

-------------------------------

Am I one of them
one of those people
who needs others
who needs reassurance
who needs a pat on the bag
or more?

What is wrong with
being that person
to need love
to need companionship
to need encouragement

I find myself surrounded
by great persons
who all are these people
people
who have in mosts eyes
NO reason
to be sad
anything but stellar
but they are humas
just like everyone else
yet still unique
I have people
that feel the gambit
create beauty
lack confidence
look down on themself
on others
but seem to
give encouragement
that often
they themselves dont take
we are all aware of such
hypocracy

at least we arent naive
or ignorant
we are the people
that live the life
our life
no one else living
it for us
we can walk the path
and say we gave
our all
to all

--------------------------

You sit in
like a protest
where my body
has sinned against you
so you demand rights
and an ear
in my mind

you dominate my thoughts
you dominate my breaths
my movement
my all
this I mind
normally you in my life
is a positive
but this I will not tolerate
you hurting me is not an option

I do the best to live my life
but I must keep you off
out of my mind

I now choose
to call you
on this
this day of thanks
to thank you
for all of you
every moment
every thought
everything thing
that ever included you
even by association
without you
I would not be who
I am right now
or who I will one day be

yet I call you
and the call is awkward
not of my choice
you say its nothing you do
nor is it me
I wish to say but dont
for with you
I often feel
that I am fighting
a negative
triple digit tempature
storm
up a hill
on a grade so steep
it makes me feel
as though
its not worth it
but without you
I am not who I am
nor who I will be
so why not involve you more
you have done good
annd even the negative
you could bring
will bring thought
epiphany
knowledge
happiness
in the end

-----------------------------

I havent written before or after an entry in a while. I feel as though I should. So here what I have to say in reflection of thanksgiving; THANK YOU. I took my mothers advice this year and took some time to think what I am thankful for. Rather than what, I did who. I dont wish to say, that these people are the TOPS of my list, however, these are people that I have always maintained are beyond people, they are transcendent. The following people, I am thankful for, in every way;

Burton Hable - Student, Friend, Brother, Musician, Future Colleague, Inspiration
Michael Reese - Teacher, Friend, Mentor, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Caleb Thompson - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Karen Downing - Teacher, Friend, Editor, Future Colleague, Writer, Inspiration
Clark Bowden - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Connie Mulligan - Teacher, Choreographer, Friend, Future Colleague, Inspiration
John Hickling - Teacher, Father Figure, Friend, Future Colleague, Mentor, Inspiration
Tommy Dawson - Friend, Brother, Student, Beleiver Of Love, Inspiration
Kelly Kruse - Student, Friend, Musician, Poet, Bohemian, Sister, Inspiration
Dr Simonson - Teacher, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Sarah Thompson - Student, Friend, Sister, Musician, Inspiration

Monday, November 21, 2005

tell me when
I asked for
someone to love
who would not
could not
cannot love me
in return

someone whos words
is all I can get
for them to say and say
again and agian
but no action

people who
I never associated with
who breath to associate
with me
now
when I coudl care less

a house where
I loved by some
tolerated by most
and hated by few
where in the end
I will not be
a part of it

tell me
when I asked for
this life
this talent
this knowledge
these people
the events
that scattered
create my life

I may not have asked
for all of this
but without it
I am not
alive
me
myself
I

Friday, November 18, 2005

Give me wood
to fuel the fire
that was started

heres the thing
you gave me the wood
but do I choose
to throw the wood
into the flames
NO

by throwing I could
knock the burnt
logs apart
but the fire
could
spread or die
the possibility
of it spreading
stops me

so I sit and debate
watch the fire
or ignore it

or embrace the fire
let it warm me
let it lift me up
know that the fire
will go nowhere
and will soon end
while I
will travel
move
and grow and truely never die
as long as I made
the impact
I wish to

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

"I Remember"
Lyrics & Music by Stephen Sondheim
from Evening Primrose (1966)

----------------------

I remember sky
It was blue as ink
Or at least I think
I remember sky.

I remember snow
Soft as feathers
Sharp as thumb tacks
Coming down like lint
And it made you squint
When the wind would blow.


And ice like vinyl
On the streets
Cold as silver
White as sheets
Rain like strings
And changing things
Like leaves.


I remember leaves
Green as spearmint
Crisp as paper.
I remember trees
Bare as coat racks
Spread like broken umbrellas.


And parks and bridges,
Ponds and zoos,
Ruddy faces,
Muddy shoes,
Light and noise and
Bees and boys
And days.


I remember days,
Or at least I try.
But as years go by
They're sort of haze,
And the bluest ink
Isn't really sky
And at times I think
I would gladly die
For a day of sky.
Its odd
when you acheive
yet are still behind
when people see not
the strides you have made
and they push you down
and try to hold
you back
but there are always
those few
who support you
stand behind you
next to you
encouraging you
loving you
I am one for you
be one for me
for if we all do so
the world will only
be a better place

---------------------

Yours words have
no correlation
to the actions
which you take
you say such things
to make one beleive
then take that beleif
and rip it from
their hands
throw it to the ground
and grind it
into the ground
as if
to attempt to make
it never have existed
but I know
it did
and if you are my friend
I will take you to the mount
and challenge you
about it
for your own growth
but if you are not
a friend
I will grow to be one
and do the same
I will make you better
just as you will me
whether we like it
or not

---------------------------------


If you say you are
my friend
whether I beleive it
or not
I will debate it
and if I dare to
tell you of your errs
of your blindness
if you are say
that you are my friend
I think I must
treat you as such
whether you want it
or not
its up to you
say it or not
have me or not
it up to you

--------------------------

They say
that knowledge
is power
ever though
that it could be
a burden?
that losing one's
naievty
is like
when Eve
bit the apple
and her eyes
were opened
to see the err
to see the beauty
can be a burden
unheard of by some
but to live with such
is a blessing
because
one must
look not only
at the positive
but the negative
to understand
to grow
to change
because
without the dark
there is no light
just like good and bad
two sides to every sword
both cut
and teach
knowledge is
not to be taken
lightly

--------------------------

the idea of north
to have set directions
a star to guide you
always there
to help
the lost

the idea of north
to provide direction
to freedom
from a system
unchanged
of evil
deliverance

the idea of north
the idea of south
the idea of east
the idea of west

the idea that all directions
lead
too any place
that you could imagine
but know
thats not the end
theres always up
beyond the sky
beyond the stars
to your dreams
away from home
to places
of discomfort
of growth
of change
exploration
the idea of new
the idea of old
the concept
the reality

Monday, November 14, 2005

Am I afraid to write about you?
to think about you
does it hurt
it does make me sick
sometimes
the thoughts of you
lead to your conquests
your acheivements
but I Love You
and they dont
I am worth it
You are worth it
We arent a waste

----------------------------

Cheesy lyrics
can have good meaning
message
bad music
can have good motives
repeating
to listen beyond
our dispositions
to what was meant
to be heard
is the true meaning
the real challenge
part of life

------------------------

I have been told I run
maybe its me not settling
but it could be
that I just run
from city to city
place to place
trying to find whats easier
in the end
there will be growth
there will be change
and thats whats needed
maybe I need time off
a little break
does life allow that?

---------------------------

You are at times
where I want to be
to a point
the place you reside
currently
is a place
that could nurture
a passion I have
but the city itself
miserable
but to move there
carries so much
positivity
at first sight
but so many angers
at second glance
doing it for you
or me
or both
is there anything wrong
in the end
with any of those
follow with head
follow with heart
if i end up close to you
there is no way
I can say
that it is not you
or that it is
no answer good enough

---------------------------

to the one who I Love more than life itself. More than anyone else. In a different way than all other Love. I Love You. Trey Critz. I hope you continue to realize that more and more. And that its ok. If not good that I Love You. I hope you continue to find out how much you care for me.

to the ones who I call friends. I love you all. Feel lucky just like I feel luck yo know you all. Be thankful for eachother. Rejoice. Continue the great things you do.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Do you have those people?
the ones that do those things
that you love
do the things you hate
make you want to die
beacuse they are so talented
or just make you want to die

do you have the people I have?
the ones that prove you wrong
and you are happy about it
the ones that make you feel
like you and your life
are totally worth it
that give the hugs
that you dont want to let go during

do you have those people?
do you ever forget them
and feel bad when you remember them
just be thankful
you ever had them at all

-------------------------------------

ideas
alone
combined with eachother
can provide
bridges over things that divide
like a block
for writers
but still
is alone
the idea worse?
can you judge it?

-------------------------------------

another hundred people just got off of the train
and i dont want a single one of them
i want the one who sleeps on the train
the one whom some fear
some loathe and some respect
the one I love
the one who refuses to get off the train
for a reason which is beyond me
but i wish to know
so i will get on
the train

------------------------------------

July 19, 2005
I met the man
who little did i know
would help to change
my life
providing me
with memories
in all senses
making it hard
to breath
without him
to live
without him
to return to the place
we went to
together
where we created
memories
the day
those days
the times
he
will live
forever

-------------------------

Another holocaust
is an intersting
idea
maybe one of me
a self holocaust
where all that should end
will
perish
ideas
thoughts
meanings

OK
Ill have a holocaust
a self holocaust
what will it be
a holocaust of association
no more people shall be
in my life
if they arent worth my time
they can waste someone elses time
dead to me
is dead to the world
because I exist
in MY world

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

11/2/05: 1 O Clock Hour - Trey Collection

------------------------------------------------

He calls me crazy
for what?
Loving him?
I think of him
when I am beside him
and when I am not
I worry
for every part of him
every action he does
for all of his habits
smoking
drinking
drugs
every nasty thing
that I myself can associate with
I love him none the less
he associates with so much
that I do not care for
dare I say hate
but I do not judge him
he is attacked
and I stand to defend
not that the attackers matter
but that he does
I dare say
that i wish
that i hadnt met him
so that I wouldnt feel these things
but as Eve in the garden
if it were not for her wrong
we would not have what we have
I thank and curse
our creator for what we have
the great and negative
the spectrum
makes things how they are
from my pain
I find joy
because of my digust
and dare I say hate
I have found Love

----------------------

I am unhappy here
where I am
just as you would be
unhappy here
I wish to move
from this place
is that running?
the place where
I wish to go
is near where
you are
is that running
to you?
Everywhere I go
anything I say
whatever I do
you are there
because I Love
You
When I speak
I hear you
not telling me
what to say
or how to speak
but telling me
the things
you told me
when we laid
together
that morning
and cried
Wherever I go
I feel you
the Love
I have for you
a constant reminder
of purpose
of passion
Of Love
Whatever I do
I have you
not telling me
what action
to take
or not
but standing
behind me
supporting me

wether or not you want that
I have it
a Love for you
undying
always will I remember
You
and what you help me
to see
to know
to feel
all the things I felt
when I was with you
you did not
make
me feel them
I felt them
of choice
you merely introduced them to me
look at you
you felt them once
look how great you are
regardless if you see it or not
I see it
your greatness
your acheivement
you cannot take away
my feelings
or visions
and I cannot
make
you see or understand you
but I will be there
for you
Loving you
as all I can
even if you dont want me

----------------------------

Your apartment
smells of pot
Adam sits stoned
on that couch
with 70s print
Avery's room
is strewn
with all that is her
scene
the kitchen
not pink
not dirty
an empty box of wine
a laugh a escapes
my lips
your cat
the escape artists
lies waiting
watching the door
your room
dark
items strewn about
circles blanket
covers the window
cds against the wall
computer
open to myspace
tense
uncomfortable talk
escapes our lips
signals subdued
reach me
you leave the room
many a time
I stay
we return to the room
and you mention a nap
you dont want me to leave
I call you on it
we stand
embrace
feel the warmth
the comfort
the familiarity
we both want it
want eachother
the love
the warmth
words escape me
telling him
of how I worry
and miss him
he agrees

the closest he has come

I tell him I Love Him
how much I care
anything I want to say
I say
I feel great
he calls it heavy
and wants me to leave
I hear his heart
cry out
in pain
his brain slaps his heart
the command to leave repeated
I know my power
I attempt a use
his brain is too in control
his heart numbed and mute
but not deaf
we embrace again
I feel his heart
his brain pulls away

I know I reach him
the one I knew once
the one who Loves me
I hope
that it will be enough
for him to know
to realize
to come to accept
the Love

----------------------------

I wrote down
"What are we?"
in regards to you
to attempt to write
on what we are
and I look to it
as I tried to finish this
but found
I knew the answer
you are you
and I myself
But
I Love You
and thats what we are
ourselves
and I Love You
that simple

Friday, October 21, 2005

Have you ever been passionate
about anything?
cause i have

every time i hear a tune
i weep
for all it means

Why do i love you
the way i do?

-----------------------

The people I love
dont compare to you

the words i write
to express myself
mean nothing
when placed around you
you shine light
through them
makeing them
transparent
leaving nothing
but my wordless
endless
love

---------------------

Every tear i shed
is for you
but worry not
they are for my love
for you
not from pain

you do not cause me pain
the master plan does
you did not do these things
nor did i
they happened
and we let them
because we cannot control them
but i love you
wether you say it or not
i love you

-------------------------------------

Trying to find the words
for poetic meaning
bites

trying to be original
when all things have been said
bites

But none of it means anything
you enter my mind
and ruin all progressive thought

but is ruin the right word?

No

you are my light
my guidance
you are everything
you dont want to be
in me
for me
but its what i want
you
just you
forever

-----------------------------

(Poem inspired by form of "The Early Bird" By Ted Kooser)

Now silent with dead air
on the edge of one more tomorrow

and there is still hope
the light still shines

making all that doesnt matter
transparent

love it seems remains
to reign overall

purging the bad
from the day

out of the negative
win over loss

one moment at a time

Friday, October 14, 2005

where do i go?
how do i feel?
someone give me
some fucking direction
i have questions
that will never be answered
because to say the least
i cant handle them
how do i accept that?
how do i not get out
of my bed in the morning?
how when i do
od people not recognize
the triumph of all of that?
how do i love
and lose that love
how do i dare be attracted
to someone i dont love
i want a physicality
but i know
that it wont fill the void
did i truely love him
does he love me
does he care?
why do i fuck up life
how do i manage to miss
2 lessons of growth and learning
why do i feel like god
hates me
why does nothing seem to go my way
that i truely care about
why do the things i thought
that i once care about
mean nothing to me now?
why do i feel
so good around
a woman
why does she love me
why does it hurt to hear it?
why does it hurt to know
that even if i was straight
that there could be no us
why do i feel like
the world is out to end me
that i have things
hidden from me
that i will never know
why am i blessed with what i have
when none of it means much to me
compared to love
compared ot him
but does he mean that much?
why do i not go to class?
why do i lie about things
why do i avoid my life
why did i stop taking my meds
what is keeping me from killing myself
cause i would love to know
what it is
and thank it
for what it is
be it an angel
and person
a memory
an event
whatever it is
it is my strength
my rock in a weary land
my old school valley singers
my Iowa State Singers
my music
my beauty
my truth
my freedom
my love
why is it that only in poems
i have clarity
but only following
wading through the questions
and negativity
what keeps me from jumping to this point
but even with clarity
why wont the questions stop
or quiet
always loud
always constant
grant me peace
grant my quiet
grant me serenity
grant me more strength
grant me your god
your religion
something to beleive in
something to make it make sense
not this
grant me this to be over

Friday, October 07, 2005

"Don't Cry" - As performed by Seal

Don't be so hard on yourself.
Those tears are for someone else.
I hear your voice on the phone.
I hear you feel so alone.
My baby.
Ohh my baby.
Please my baby,
My baby,
When we were young,
And truth was paramount.
We were older then,
And we lived our life without any doubt.
Those memories,
They seem so long ago.
What's become of them? When you feel like me I want you to know.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry,
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry,
Tonight.
My baby.
Today I dreamed,
Of friends I had before.
And I wonder why.
The ones who care don't call anymore.
My feelings hurt.
But you know I overcome the pain.
And I'm stronger now,
There can't be a fire unless there's a flame.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry.
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry oh...
Limousines and sycophants,
Don't leave me now,
Cause I'm afraid what you've done to me.
Is now the wolf.
In my bed,
In my head.
In my head.
In my head.
The challenges, we took were hard enough.
They get harder now.
Even when we think that we've had enough.
Don't feel alone,
Cause it's I you understand.
I'm your sedative,
Take a piece of me whenever you can.
Don't cry.... you're not alone.
...don't be so hard on yourself...
Don't cry.... tonight my baby
...Those tears are for.....someone else...
Don't cry.... you'll always be loved
...I hear your voice on the phone...
Don't cry.... tonight sweet baby
...I hear you feel... so alone.
Don't cry... don't cry... don't cry... don't you cry...
Cry... Don't cry...
Cause you still be loved
Don't cry
Don't cry tonight
Ohh..
My baby my baby my baby my baby my baby my baby my baby
my baby my baby my my baby my baby my baby my baby mymy baby my baby my baby
My baby....
Don't cry tonight
You'll still be loved

-------------------------------

I thought randomly of Seal tonight. I was all the sudden drawn back to this song which I fell in love with for a while. I went on this whole rampage of how it needs to be done as a show choir ballad arranged by Jason Krigas. Amazing disonances into more dumbfounding consanances... it'd just be awesome. Today I went without meds ... day 2 without meds... up and down all day long. Thats how it worked... my nights seemed to horrible anymore... really bad... this song, just made me think of a mantra I should apply to myself. Just like a mantra I hate, "Don't Cry". Just like the mantra I think Trey lives by. I dont know anymore... I Love Trey Critz. And so badly want to beleive he loves me. But no words have come. And I try not to doubt that they will... hm... Love is the best and worst emotion ever. End of that.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

"Sun & Moon" From Miss Saigon

[KIM]
You are sunlight and I moon
Joined by the gods of fortune
Midnight and high noon
Sharing the sky
We have been blessed, you and I

[CHRIS]
You are here like a mystery
I'm from a world that's so different
From all that you are
How in the light of one night
Did we come so far?

[KIM]
Outside day starts to dawn

[CHRIS]
Your moon still floats on high

[KIM]
The birds awake

[CHRIS]
The stars shine too

[KIM]
My hands still shake

[CHRIS]
I reach for you

[BOTH]
And we meet in the sky!

[KIM]
You are sunlight and I moon
Joined here
Bright'ning the sky
With the flame
Of love

[BOTH]
Made of
Sunlight
Moonlight
-------------------------

"Listen To My Heart" Written By David Friedman

Here we are, you and I at last.
in the right place, at the right time.
Every dream I've dreamed have come to pass,
cause you're right here, and your all mine.
I can't believe the years of holding back are through.
And I can finally share what's in my heart, with you...
Listen, listen.
Listen to my heart, listen to it sing.
Listen to my voice, it wants to tell you everything.
There's so much to say, I don't know where to start.
But if you want to know the love I'm feeling,
listen to my heart.
All my life, I've been on a road.
Going one way, toward one dream.
The road would wind, and down it I would go.
Always searching, never finding.
But even in my darkest hour I always knew that
someday, somehow, the road would lead to you.
And words can't express how my heart's filled with
happiness. Listen to it.
Listen to my heart, listen to it sing.
Listen to my voice, it wants to tell you everything.
Listen to my song, listen to it soar.
I've waited all my life for this one moment.
I'm not waiting anymore.
Listen to my heart, as it cries for all the years
that it was lonely.
Listen to my heart, as it smiles to know that now,
after so long, I can finally sing my song.
And you're here, and you're listening, you're listening.
Listen to my voice, as it will tell you everything.
All about a life that's just about to start.
For if you want to know how much I love you,
listen to my heart. Listen to my heart.
------------------------------------------------------

"One More Night" - as performed by Phil Collins

One more night, one more night
I've been trying ooh so long to let you know
Let you know how I feel
And if I stumble if I fall, just help me back
So I can make you see

Please give me one more night, give me one more night
One more night cos I can't wait forever
Give me just one more night, oh just one more night
Oh one more night cos I can't wait forever

I've been sitting here so long
Wasting time, just staring at the phone
And I was wondering should I call you
Then I thought maybe you're not alone

Please give me one more night, give me just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
Please give me one more night, ooh just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
Give me one more night, give me just one more night
Ooh one more night, cos I can't wait forever

Like a river to the sea
I will always be with you
And if you sail away
I will follow you

Give me one more night, give me just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
I know there'll never be a time you'll ever feel the same
And I know it's only words
But if you change your mind you know that I'll be here
And maybe we both can learn

Give me just one more night, give me just one more night
Ooh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
Give me just one more night, give me just one more night
Ooh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
-----------------------------------------------------------

"You Were Meant For Me" - as performed by Sting

life was a song, you came along
I lie awake the whole night through
If i should dare, to think you care
this is why I said to you
you were meant for me,
and i was meant for you
nature freshen too and when she was done
you were all those good things, roll into one
you're like a plative melody, that never less will be
I'm content that the angel must have sent you
and they made you just for me.
you're like a plative melody, that never less will be
I'm content that the angel must have sent you
and they made you just for me
-----------------------------------------------------------

"Can't Stop Loving You" - as performed by Phil Collins

So you’re leaving
In the morning
On the early train
But I could say everything’s alright
And I could pretend and say goodbye

Got your ticket
Got your suitcase
Got your leaving smile
Oh, I could say that’s the way it goes
And I could pretend and you won’t know
That I was lying

Because I can’t stop loving you
No, I can’t stop loving you
No, I won´t stop loving you
Why should i

We took a taxi
To the station
Not a word was said
And I saw you walk across the road
For maybe the last time, I don’t know

Feeling humble
Heard a rumble
On the railway track
And when I hear the whistle blow
I walk away and you won’t know
That i´ll be crying

Because I can’t stop loving you
No, I can’t stop loving you
No, I won’t stop loving you
Why should i

Even try
I´ll always be here by your side (why why why)
I never wanted to say goodbye
I´m always here if you change, change your mind

So your leaving
In the morning
On the early train
But I could say everything´s alright
And I could pretend and say goodbye
But that would be lying,no

Because I can´t stop loving you
(can´t stop loving you)
No, I can´t stop loving you
(I won´t stop loving you)
No, I won´t stop loving you
Why should I even try
Because I can´t stop loving you
(can´t stop loving you)
No, I can´t stop loving you
(that´s all I can do)
No, I won´t stop loving you
Why should i
(why should I)
Why should i
(tell me why)
Why should I even try
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
=================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have had some "fun" the past couple days. I ran out of meds. So Monday was a fun day. Then I realized I need to kick my own ass in piano. So I did. And I continue to. More each day. Oh and the same goes for voice too. I am doing NATS. WOO?!? Oh and then TODAY! Piano, Voice, actually goin to classes, piano class, a aural exam, and then an interview since I am gay. woo?!? Oh and then all of the sudden I have a "Down with Love" moment and hate the world. Then I start listneing to music, start crying... thats a definate NO WOO. So here are the songs that really got to me.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

I take pills
To regulate my mood
To alleviate the negative
So that everything will
Have a cheery disposition
The negative thoughts
Still occur in my mind
However not as prevalent
I think these pills numb
Me to all that I do feel
To the pain of love
To the pangs of yearning
Do they hinder
My want to go to him
My desire for love
Do they block my memory
Of all that we had
Or do these pills make me
Think everything is good
That everything regardless
Will end up in the end
Cheery as it all started
Do I really want this
This affected life?
---------------------------Why is it
That I wish
To run to you
And yet I stop
Myself from that
When more than anything
I wish to be near you
To feel your warmth
Your slight frame
To smell the smoke
On your being
To touch you
To hold you close
And never let go
Because I love you
But I stay away
Miles to go to get to you
That could be crossed so easily
But yet it seems
As though I do not wish to go
Although the yearning
Burns intensely as
The full moon shines
On a dark night
With a barren sky
When will the day
Come where I stand
And run to you
------------------------
The day will come
That I will run
Straight to you
But what will you say
How will you respond
Will you accept me
With open arms
Or will you remain
As distant as we currently
Stand apart
And distanced
The demeanor that cuts
So deep that the wounds
Will not heal
They will only bleed
I wish
More than anything
That you will not stand
That you will run to meet
Me on road
And embrace me
Just like you once did
And that things will start
From the moment they stopped
For they never have
It was only quiet
But never done
Never will it end
Even when we both end
This will not be the end
Of the love I have for you
And the love I hope and wish
That you have for me
------------------------------------
I can say the things
I wish to hear you say to me
I Love You
You say that you do
Not wish to be hurt
And you did not wish to start
Or end the way things did
But I Love You
And will remain doing such
Until the end of time
And if those words
Are never uttered by you
There will be a part of me
That will burn intensely for them
But I do Love You
And that what counts
Because nothing can change my Love
For you
Your actions seem to speak
So much louder than words
And I wish to interpret
Your actions as such
To say that you love me
But I do not wish to assume
I do not wish to hurt more than I do
So I do not lead
I do not jump
I do not wait but
I won’t mind
If they come

Monday, September 26, 2005

Sonnet XVII (Sonnet 17) - Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were the salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I was compelled to put this on here. I watch Patch Adams the movie quite some time ago and foudn this poem quite beautiful. Searched for who had written it, and lo and behold, the great Shakespeare who lived quite closer to my own time, Pablo Neruda. The man is genius, as is his poetry.

Monday, September 19, 2005

I feel as though
I am the one in Love
and am alone in that

I feel as though
I would give it all
yet he wouldnt give a bit

I feel as though
I should move on
but I refuse to do so

I feel so though
I will never be happy
so I try to fill that
only to be disappointed
with myself
with Love
beacuse I started
to forget
to let him slip away
and I dont want that
I want him
and me
forever
In Love
together
side by side
two hands as one
two hearts the same

--------------------------

I started writing this damn thing being bum rushed by a double dose of Trazadone and being uber wierd...... I wanted this poem to have form. I wrote the first two and it was totally natural. And then from then on it was forced. I started to break it and found myself being angry/frustrated with myself... HOW STUPID! I Love him. Thank God not for this amazing day, but for Trey and the days I spent with him. My day today was so wierd. I didnt take my Cymbalta and oddly I had a FABULOUS day.. but then I got in at 1AM... and it was SHIT. This is what happened... and continues to happen to this day... bah! I hate it! I can do things that I hold myself from. Why not break the form I have created and continue on with the knowledge of conformity even to ones self is not mandatory or right.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

In this moment
I feel as though
that I am a top
spinning unknown
of where it shall
come to it's end
I am up the slope
and down the hill
around pot holes
and into cracks

My new paint
when I was bought
was clean
free of chips
now from the traps
no, no, not traps
but the uneven ground
I am chipped
less than new
but not quite old

I still spin
from the day
I was set
and the string
was strongly pulled
I have on point
spun and dodged
what the world
has lie around me

A crack
I fell into
the daring of the ledge
was much to great
I fell hard
into the crack
a wood chunk flew
from my lower half
but I kept spinning
running the length
of the crack

Deep as it may be
it will end
and I shall
keep spinning
and when I stop
it will be by
Newton's Laws
or Darwin's
whatever you choose
my end
will not be
at my own hands

Monday, September 12, 2005

Complicate life
with rules and regulations
to make things
a little more conveluded
Why?
only to satisfy a desire
to make everything
last a little bit longer
make things a little big harder
and only to frustrate the world
all in the end

communication in its purest form
is no longer acceptable
words can no longer have one meaning
for the perception of the receiver
is what truely counts
it matters nothing to you intent
or true meaning
but only what they think

why do we continue
to complicate a world
that was so simply
created in Love
to Love and be Loved

but now its dancing
in circles and
jumpin through hoops
that are uneeded
but hell
why just a hoop?
light it on fire
and have it move
in all directions
at all times

Nothing can remain simple
the way it was concepted
and incepted

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

I am kinda pleasantly suprised with myself. I wrote all three of these. In under 10 minutes...
--------------------------------
I love how aspired
To all that I thought I wanted
But I found you
And found that maybe
Just maybe I didn’t want
Anything to do with anything
But you
I am willing to give up my city
My home with my brothers
My place my choir
My teachers and mentors
Just so I can be with you
The one I believe myself
To be in love
But I cant say with
Because you are not in love
With me
But you have said
That you could have loved me
Had you let yourself
But to deny yourself
Such a feeling seems impossible
To me
Maybe you are the master
Of your emotions
But you are the first and the last
The soul survivor of a race long gone
Isn’t it ironic that I love the only one
Never to have anyone
To come close to you
For myself to not have you
And long for you
And only you
And no one can compare
Nor do I want them to
--------------------------------------------
If I were to go to you
To pick up my life
Or to leave it here
It wouldn’t matter to me
For I am in love with you
And love is something
To be listened to
To be reckoned with
It can provide all you wish
A serene place
Or can cause chaos
To rattle the bars
Of a quieted cage
Only to wake
The beast within
That we forgot existed
But the beast
Is not bad
Nor good
But a beast
To be learned from
To be admired
-------------------------------
Why do people ignore love
When all around us
Is love
A force beyond comprehension
That has provided for
The best music we have ever heard
The most beautiful paintings
And the most amazing place
To live
To prosper
Love bore us
To live and
To love
Why deny our creator

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Have you ever thought
That the hardest thing
Might be to go to bed
Without you
Only to wake the next morning
To find that you are not there
As if there was a hope
That you would join me
Midway through the night
To lie with me
And sleep
To feel my heart beat
Just in time with yours
To smell the smell I have
And for me to breath deep
The scent of you

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

this poem is making me think. and i dont know of what. but i hear the song and read these words and nothing really is clear. especially about the poem. i dont really like the arrangement and i really dont like the poem. Hopefully i can grow to like both....

The Early Bird
by Ted Kooser

Still dark, and raining hard
on a cold May morning

and yet the early bird
is out there chirping,

chirping its sweet-sour
wooden-pulley notes,

pleased, it would seem,
to be given work,

hauling the heavy
bucket of dawn

up from the darkness,
note over note,

and letting us drink.

------------------------------------

I Love Trey Critz. However I am so mixed with emotions I feel like I could fall off the face of the earth, thats how unstable I am. I have decided to go back into taking medication to balance my life and ailments. My appointment is next Wednesday... so hopefully till then goes smooth. I Love Trey. I miss him. I need him. And I hate everything about this situation that I am currently in with him. Except the fact that it is him. Trey, the best thing to ever happen to me. And I would do anything for him. I Love Trey Critz.

Monday, August 29, 2005

I have been thrown
Into a world
Of teamwork & common goals
Competition? Low
Cooperation? High
I am immediately cared for
Every facet of my life
Loved & embraced
The vision is piercing
See through the minor
Deduce the truth
People that care
When they have no
Prior affiliation with me
And no need to care
But they do
& I feel as though
I do not deserve this

Sunday, August 14, 2005

A bed lies in a chamber
Under lock and key
Almost as if to say that those
Who lie and remain within
Are proctected

But lie in that bed
In that “Safe” chamber
See what thoughts invade
The darkest corners of your mind

The light that shone in your mind
Is dulled and intensified
By the addition of thoughts
And lack of space

The darker the dark
The brighter the light

As that flame’s intensity
Grows from the wick
Oxygen is flooded to it
The flame grows
Larger and louder
Less in control

But as the flame is dulled
The mind becomes week
And cannot help
The penetration
That is happening
And impending

A safe bed
A safe room
Safe no more
Not from the confines
Of ones mind
And its thoughts

-Alex Brosseau

Saturday, August 13, 2005

"More I Cannot Wish You"

Velvet I can wish you for the collar of your coat,
And fortune smiling all along your way.
But more I cannot wish you than to wish you find your love,
Your own true love this day.

Mansions I can wish you, seven footmen all in red,
And calling cards upon a silver tray.
But more I cannot wish you than to wish you find your love,
Your own true love this day.

Standing there, gazing at you, full of the bloom of youth.
Standing there, gazing at you, with the sheep's eye,
And the licorice tooth.

Music I can wish you, merry music while you're young,
And wisdom when your hair has turned to gray.
But more I cannot wish you than to wish you find your love,
Your own true love this day.

With the sheep's eye and the licorice tooth,
And the strong arms to carry you away.

Monday, August 01, 2005

A single strand
of light
hurtles across the dark
the distance it travels
tests the strength
the intensity
of the wave
to see if it can conquer
to extinguish
its truth

A single sound
echos achross
the great divide
bouncing and bounding
from through
the great valley
always getting distorted
always softer
but always heard
and understood

A voice speaks
true with beauty
wrapped with light
and driven by sound
not from the head
but from the heart
hurtling across a divide
that seems exapansive
as space
the void testing all
that the voices says
of love

Sit down and rest
Life will wait for a few moments
There is still time to practice love
For a little while
Time to let the fresh breath
Of real peace into your life
Be still
And learn again
How to live
Raise your eyes
And see beyond this narrow life
And learn to love

----------------------------------------------

I have fallen in love. For the 1st time. Its amazing how quickly I accepted that this truely was love. But never having felt this way before, and always being a sceptic of love. For me to want to say that it is, in my heart, it must be. And who are we to define love. To look at someone and say "no thats not love." Love is much like Beauty because Love is Beauty. It is always up to be judged over and over, by only the person truely involved in it. If someone were to hear the words I hear echoing in my head, they would find them sadder than I seem to. Not that I am in denail, its just that I am apart of the situation that I am in. I met the most wonderful guy I have ever known. His name is Trey. He is 22 years old. He is the strongest person I know. His beauty stems from every part of his soul, which leaves me not only speechless but breathless. To try to put how I feel about him truely is impossible. I can lay with him and feel complete. My arms around his small frame seem to make me feel more protected than I ever have before. And the thing is if you looked at us, it looks like I would be the protector. I lay in his arms and feel.. the world come to a complete stop. I feel everyone and everything melt away. That it is only he and I. I know I Loved him from the moment we held eachother like that. From that moment. I had never been happier. Never felt so complete. Never been so willing to drop everything I am, and beleive myself to be, for him. A boy at the time I had known for a few hours. I have surrounded myself and his friends for the past week and a few days. And never been more happy. His friends are a merry sarcastic bitchy bunch of people I can relate to; they all Love Trey. Even with their Love they have for him, I find it hard to talk to them about him. I haven't been able to talk to anyone who I feel will be able to grasp any sort of fiber about Love. I can think of one person outside of myself who could. But have been unable to speak with her. I witnessed a spat between he and his very good friend Avery. They fought about a boy who saved Avery's life who seemed to be battling with inner issues. He was and continues to seek out Trey for some sort of solice or assistance. Avery and Trey fought over how to best help this boy. I say boy, but I mean guy, but for some reason boy seems to fit more properly. This spat turned into a breaking of personal shells that Trey and Avery both had. It became a talk of life, trying your best, and whats best for you and those that you Love. I learned more about Trey and Avery that night/dawn than I ever could have learned had it not happened. When we returned that morning from dropping Avery off at home. It continued to be a cryfest for the both of us. We lied together and cried over his moving on the 1st of August. That I loved him more than he would ever know. That the world was unfair for doing this to me again, taking someone that I just met, and ripping them from my life. That I would be willing to not go to ISU for him, that I would just move with him and be with him. And make us happier than we both have ever known. But I knew a part of me and him woudl not allow it. He told me how amazing I was. And how I would just realize how amazing I was. How beautiful. All my positives that he saw. That I coudl never beleive. With him, I beleived him, but it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I tried to tell him of how much I Loved him. How I woudl never forget him. How I didnt want to leave him, more than anything. That I would give anything to stay with him. How I wanted to move with him. It went in circles. Both of us crying, embracing, kissing. Never once did he say that he Loved me. I found out why this past evening. He said that he would not allow himself to Love me. For he said that if he has allowed himself that, that in the end it would not have been a positive. I did not fight what he said, not that I beleived him, for I believe that it true is how Samuel Butler said, "It is better to have Loved and lost, to have never Loved Before." But it was how he felt, and I cannot fight him on that. He didnt wish to Love me for the pain it would cause himself. There is a part of me that wished to demand that he say how I know that he truely felt. For one cannot control ones emotions, especially Love. He thinks that he almost woudl have been safer alone. Although he never would have said that. Had he not met me and I him, we would not have learned what we learned. He learning that there is hope in men. That there are guys worth more than the world. More than just sex. There are guys worth investing in. It kills me when I hear this at the same time as it making me happy. I feel that he doesnt think that we will ever exist again. And by him saying what he has said and me feeling that. Its almost like I gave him hope, for everyone but me. But I learned also. That there are men worth the world. Worth all my tears of sadness and happiness. Men that can give you that feeling of Love and compassion. Men that can give you that Bohemian feeling without even knowing it. Giving you Love that is Truthful Beautiful and Free. He never said that he Loves me. But if he didnt, would he have bared his soul to me. Allowed me to learn the things I have about him. Allowed me to teach him lessons. I feel that it was Love. And never felt it to be unrequited. Isnt that what counts? That I Loved him, no restrictions, no lies, just my emotions. I feel that I dont want this to be the end of us in any terms. I want him to be able to say he loves me. I want him to be able to come home to me. I want this is to be only a temporary end to things. For us to meet again, I do not expect the same if there is a second time. I said today to him, that there WILL be a second time. Where we will be together again. And he asked me how I was so sure. I said what I want I get. He called me a brat. I told him, if I want it, I will have it, cause I wont let anything stand in my way of getting exactly what I want. I may not be a true Bohemian, but I knwo that when Love enters your life, you better fight for it. Especially, when you know that you want it more than anything. I will teach children Music for my Love of Music. For the Beauty and Truth it posses, for the Freedom it can grant anyone, and for the Love it expresses. And I will return Trey and I to eachother. For I Love him, and I will, forever, remember his place in my life. And all the he taught me, in this short time we have known eachother. I Love him. I Love him. For his Truth, his Beauty, his Freedom, and for his Love that he posseses. The best time I have ever know. Is with him. I dont know what to say to end this post. Besides, Trey, know that I Love you. Know that I will not forget what you taught me, or who taught it to me. And we WILL meet again.

Monday, July 25, 2005

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain


Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

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I think I fell in love. Which was against the rules that I set for he and I at the beginning of whatever this was. I had heard that he was to move, and soon. However the innermost part of my being, the part that wanted and needed him the most, refused that fact of his impending move. We shared the most beautiful times. Lying with our arms wrapped around eachother provided the most memorable happy moments I have experienced in quite some time. He said to me last night/this morning, when I was asking him something, that he did not know me that well. However he and I both agreed that we had strong feelings for eachother. Tonight following work we spoke and he said the official moving date was in a week. I can guarentee that I wont even see him on that day. It was the quickest falling apart I think I have done in a while.

My world that my innermost being created was thrown into a spin
I am fightin back tears
To know that what has made me happiest
Is no longer going to be with me


Hurts

Hurts so deep
I am unaware of where the pain is
It is not as though
He was the one who stabbed me
It was a bit of myself
Who held the knife
Which always knew what he had said
But lulled my mind into not believing

All I have wanted
In the end was Trey
And I cant have it anymore
Anytime I have ever gotten anything
That has made me happy
Is taken away from me
This was the closest
I have ever been to what
Has allowed this happiness

I have never been close
To what disallows it
I do not wish it God
Although I know
He disapproves of
What the relationship is
For if it were God
It would give my life
A gloom that would rain over it
For the rest of life
For the will of my life
To fight for the rest
Of whatever this menial existence is

"Don't fall in Love"
Is not advice that I can follow
I am not saying exclusively
That this is Love
But it is the closet I have come
And the way I know is
The closer I get
And it ends
The more it hurts

I almost write this with the intention that he would read it and feel the same way. However I know as he has said, I may be part of his hesititation to move, but he has to move. So even though he wishes that we could have spent more time together. We can't. I know I wish we had been together more. But we can't. I don't have to accept that fact now, but it better be accpected soon. Or else I/it will just prolong the hurting period.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

If what doesn't kill us is making us stronger,
Were gonna last longer,
Than the greatest wall in China,
Or that rabbit with the drum
If there's one thing that I learned,
While waiting for my turn,
Is that in each life some rain falls,
But you also get some sun,
And we'll make out better than ok,
Hear what I say? Yeah,,,,,,, any day...

------------------------------------------

Some would say that putting a white trash family on TV would not make for a great television show. But ya know what, Roseanne seemed to change all that. She was a strong woman with a family that through their turmoil had heartfelt moments thrown in with tragedy and hillarity.

Thats kinda whats on my mind right now. I have absolutely no control over anything I am feeling. Or for that matter, Smelling. I am shaking my head like I always do, to make my hair better. And I just smell Trey on me. I mean we were together last night but I showered and washed all of my hair and body. But I can still smell him. God right now it is so hard to be without him. He is headed off to a rave party in Iowa City and all I want to do is be with him. I called him and he said he wished I would have come. And lord knows I would have, if only I hadnt spent all night with Trey so I wouldnt have not slept. Cause then either I would have gone to FarmHouse like I should have or gone with IC. And talkin about FH. I would have gone to FH if only I wasnt such a friggin mess. I know if I had gone I would have been miserable looking, because I suck at tryin to hide my emotions. And Heath would have said something, and then it would have been a conversaton, and it would have just sped up my breakdown. Which is inevitatble. It sucks to break down but I always learn something from each of the times when I do. And theres more thats boggin me down I mean I have gone around being reassured by Simonson and Rodde about my being able to be in ISU Singers no problem. But lord knows because of my tremulous relationships with people, it is very hard for me to trust people. And I am so afraid of FH but so excited at the same time. I am afraid that the guys who seem to have taken me in by giving me a bid wont want me after I move in. So it takes my excitement for moving in and mixes it with hesitation.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

Can't I make you understand?
You're having delusions of grandeur

I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:
come with me. Think of what we could
do together.

Unlimited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team
There's ever been
Dreams, the way we planned 'em

If we work in tandem
There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity

They'll never bring us down!

I hope you're happy
Now that you're choosing this
I hope it brings you bliss


I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy, my friend
So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

------------------------------------

At times where my father tells me "If you hate living in this house so much, then just move out." I really dont know what to do. I tried to think of a song that pretty much told me how I felt. That song above pretty much did it. I do hate this house and everything that is a part of it. I cant take my moms bitching and all that and no one listens to eachother. Cause we all communicate the same and none of us will accept that we are wrong at times. Uh and ya know what, I would move to FH in a heartbeat, except I am pretty sure that I would somehow have guilt about moving out which would hurt my parents. Even though I would say it didnt bother me. OH and also, I am so afriad of college cause I dont think I can do it. I dont think I will be able to make it as a music major. And I also doubt that I can make it in the house. Burton tried to reassure me. He did a good enough job cause he shut me up cause I couldnt say anything to try to prove him wrong. Thank god someone can shut me up.

Monday, July 18, 2005

A boy was born unto his mother
although he was not alone
he came with a brother
so much so you could hardly tell
who was who

One grew to beleive
that he was gay
and came out unto his world
not knowing what to expect
as anyone who takes that step does

Senior year
one day he walked alone
his brother taking a test
same route as any day
2 differences
one boy instead of two
and four behind unknown

The boys spoke
of nothing but hatred
spouting garbage
hatred of what the boy
beleived himself to be

The boy
remembers just that
nothing else

He awoke
in a hospital
wondering what he was doing
there

He realizes a pain
although dulled
by the medication
he must have received

He dares his hands to move
to touch
to investigate this pain

His fears although wild
are true

What to define himself as
can he find himself attractive again

Questions asked
blame assessed
body scarred
being scarred

"How much would you pay for your uterus?"
these words that flash into his mind
he doesnt have a uterus
because of this
he doesnt have much of anything

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Take this as you please:

I was talking to a boy with the intentions of seeing what would happen between us.
What happened would be things of learning. On how a boy and his family move cross country due to someones hatred. A hatred that was so strong and blind to all that is anything good. That cause the person who harbors the hate to commit an act. An act so sick, its beyond rape. Its beyond murder. The fact that the boy whom I spoke to was castrated... I just dont know what you can say. He is scarred for life. Can hardly be touched by anyone. Including his family. Lacks trust for anyone. Can't find himself attractive. Can hardly trust what I said to him, when I reached out. But he has. And that made all the difference. The fire in the dark forest just gained some kindling and is burning a little brighter and bigger. Well see if we can start a forest fire...

Saturday, July 16, 2005


Vanessa Williams is a woman after my heart. She sings so well and with so much emotion. I just dont know. This song felt right, right now.

-------------------------------------------

They say it's a river,
that circles the earth
A beam of light shining
to the edge of the universe
it conquers all, it changes everything

They say it's a blessing,
they say it's a gift
they say it's a miracle
and I believe that it is
it conquers all, but it's a mystery

Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hardand it fades away so easily

In this world we've created
where this place that we lived
in a blink of an eye the darkness slips in
love lights the world
unites the love that´s for eternity

Love brakes the chain
Love aches for everyone of us
Love takes the tears of pain,
and it turns it into the beauty that remains

Look at this place
it was paradise, but now it's dying
I´ll brave the love
I´ll take, my chances that it´s not too late

Love brakes your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard and fades away so easily


Love brakes the chain
Love aches for everyone of us
Love takes the tears and the pain,
and turns it into the beauty that remains

------------------------------------------

So I have been breaking down lately. I was reading Elyse's blog and just started crying. So I was talking to ALyssa about it and she thinks it might have something to do with me clinging to the people who were around Mr. Cacciatore. Which I think is a definate possibility. Although I may never have truely known Ms Elyse Flagg, I do beleive I felt who she was. And am glad I did. She has truly become an inspiration of sorts for what I wish to be as a person. Namely someone who is dedicated and someone who is in Love with another person. To be able to say that you Love someone the way that she loves Ted is something to shout from the mountaintops.

I was also talking with my friend and amazing choreographer but namely amaziny person, Tara Tober. We were just talkin about my breaking down also. About how it might be the past. She felt that there was nothing wrong with that and I agree. I started talkin about what else it could be and the things I was talking about are things that she feels people need to go through. But sometimes I feel like i wont be able to do them or be able to complete them. I so look up to her in so many ways. She so professional, positive, talented, acheived. And with all that she had accomplished, she wants more than what shes got. She wants more for herself. She wants to go back and become a Rockette like she almost had before. We also talked about how I view good music. About how its all about the emotion the meaning. We talked about our most meaningful life experiences involving the fine arts. She had an experience where she was so frustrated and needed to vent that she was in her driveway at 2 AM with no thoughts or music dancing. Gettin out exactly what she needed without saying a thing. The thought of that gave me chills. I asked her why she was friends with me... (This seems to be my patented question which usually moves into a deep meaningful conversation...) She said there was something that she just couldnt pin point with me. I cared about getting to know people and wanted to know more about my art. The fact that she was able to see exactly what I was doing and for what reason was amazing to me. Its very rare for me to be able to have someone that is able to do that. She is just so nice, and through that, she has allowed me to see so much more good in people and the world. Shes shown me that being a good person is better than anything you could ever do. Better than the most beautiful music. And the way I see it, the only way I can make truly beautiful music is if I am truly beautiful to myself. And the only way I can do that is if I am ok with who I am. I dont think I can truly put into words how much Tara means to me. She has become such a good part of my life. Shes nice for the need of niceness, for the need of no reason, just to be nice. Thats dumbfounding.


So to those who have taught me more than I could ever be taught in school (And a few taught me in school too!). You may not know how much you mean to me. I may not have ever told you verbally. But I hope you know, in your heart. That you have acheived part of the master plan in your life's journey.

Brosseau