one tells me to be a boy
to act as a child would act
speaking what I believe to be true
being open and honest
not acting brave

i am told to be reserved
to be the adult
and not to speak hardly at all
be open and honest but not if its negative
and dont put on a front

i am told to be plain
to be boring
and to be boring is not to speak but listen
to not question what i am told
and just be neutral

i am asked what i want
and told to follow it
but what do i really want?
anything?
what part of me isnt in conflict with another?
to find a part of me that isnt
would be to find what i really dont give a shit about
maybe?
because if i want something bad enough
wouldnt there be a fight about the pros and cons
but what about what i need
am i neglecting that
am i only self serving and going after my wants?
by do i need?
what am i doing wrong?
what can i fix?
why i am so destructive?

why cant i figure out these questions

when will i

will someone care

will i?