Monday, July 25, 2005

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain


Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

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I think I fell in love. Which was against the rules that I set for he and I at the beginning of whatever this was. I had heard that he was to move, and soon. However the innermost part of my being, the part that wanted and needed him the most, refused that fact of his impending move. We shared the most beautiful times. Lying with our arms wrapped around eachother provided the most memorable happy moments I have experienced in quite some time. He said to me last night/this morning, when I was asking him something, that he did not know me that well. However he and I both agreed that we had strong feelings for eachother. Tonight following work we spoke and he said the official moving date was in a week. I can guarentee that I wont even see him on that day. It was the quickest falling apart I think I have done in a while.

My world that my innermost being created was thrown into a spin
I am fightin back tears
To know that what has made me happiest
Is no longer going to be with me


Hurts

Hurts so deep
I am unaware of where the pain is
It is not as though
He was the one who stabbed me
It was a bit of myself
Who held the knife
Which always knew what he had said
But lulled my mind into not believing

All I have wanted
In the end was Trey
And I cant have it anymore
Anytime I have ever gotten anything
That has made me happy
Is taken away from me
This was the closest
I have ever been to what
Has allowed this happiness

I have never been close
To what disallows it
I do not wish it God
Although I know
He disapproves of
What the relationship is
For if it were God
It would give my life
A gloom that would rain over it
For the rest of life
For the will of my life
To fight for the rest
Of whatever this menial existence is

"Don't fall in Love"
Is not advice that I can follow
I am not saying exclusively
That this is Love
But it is the closet I have come
And the way I know is
The closer I get
And it ends
The more it hurts

I almost write this with the intention that he would read it and feel the same way. However I know as he has said, I may be part of his hesititation to move, but he has to move. So even though he wishes that we could have spent more time together. We can't. I know I wish we had been together more. But we can't. I don't have to accept that fact now, but it better be accpected soon. Or else I/it will just prolong the hurting period.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

If what doesn't kill us is making us stronger,
Were gonna last longer,
Than the greatest wall in China,
Or that rabbit with the drum
If there's one thing that I learned,
While waiting for my turn,
Is that in each life some rain falls,
But you also get some sun,
And we'll make out better than ok,
Hear what I say? Yeah,,,,,,, any day...

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Some would say that putting a white trash family on TV would not make for a great television show. But ya know what, Roseanne seemed to change all that. She was a strong woman with a family that through their turmoil had heartfelt moments thrown in with tragedy and hillarity.

Thats kinda whats on my mind right now. I have absolutely no control over anything I am feeling. Or for that matter, Smelling. I am shaking my head like I always do, to make my hair better. And I just smell Trey on me. I mean we were together last night but I showered and washed all of my hair and body. But I can still smell him. God right now it is so hard to be without him. He is headed off to a rave party in Iowa City and all I want to do is be with him. I called him and he said he wished I would have come. And lord knows I would have, if only I hadnt spent all night with Trey so I wouldnt have not slept. Cause then either I would have gone to FarmHouse like I should have or gone with IC. And talkin about FH. I would have gone to FH if only I wasnt such a friggin mess. I know if I had gone I would have been miserable looking, because I suck at tryin to hide my emotions. And Heath would have said something, and then it would have been a conversaton, and it would have just sped up my breakdown. Which is inevitatble. It sucks to break down but I always learn something from each of the times when I do. And theres more thats boggin me down I mean I have gone around being reassured by Simonson and Rodde about my being able to be in ISU Singers no problem. But lord knows because of my tremulous relationships with people, it is very hard for me to trust people. And I am so afraid of FH but so excited at the same time. I am afraid that the guys who seem to have taken me in by giving me a bid wont want me after I move in. So it takes my excitement for moving in and mixes it with hesitation.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

Can't I make you understand?
You're having delusions of grandeur

I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:
come with me. Think of what we could
do together.

Unlimited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team
There's ever been
Dreams, the way we planned 'em

If we work in tandem
There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity

They'll never bring us down!

I hope you're happy
Now that you're choosing this
I hope it brings you bliss


I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy, my friend
So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

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At times where my father tells me "If you hate living in this house so much, then just move out." I really dont know what to do. I tried to think of a song that pretty much told me how I felt. That song above pretty much did it. I do hate this house and everything that is a part of it. I cant take my moms bitching and all that and no one listens to eachother. Cause we all communicate the same and none of us will accept that we are wrong at times. Uh and ya know what, I would move to FH in a heartbeat, except I am pretty sure that I would somehow have guilt about moving out which would hurt my parents. Even though I would say it didnt bother me. OH and also, I am so afriad of college cause I dont think I can do it. I dont think I will be able to make it as a music major. And I also doubt that I can make it in the house. Burton tried to reassure me. He did a good enough job cause he shut me up cause I couldnt say anything to try to prove him wrong. Thank god someone can shut me up.

Monday, July 18, 2005

A boy was born unto his mother
although he was not alone
he came with a brother
so much so you could hardly tell
who was who

One grew to beleive
that he was gay
and came out unto his world
not knowing what to expect
as anyone who takes that step does

Senior year
one day he walked alone
his brother taking a test
same route as any day
2 differences
one boy instead of two
and four behind unknown

The boys spoke
of nothing but hatred
spouting garbage
hatred of what the boy
beleived himself to be

The boy
remembers just that
nothing else

He awoke
in a hospital
wondering what he was doing
there

He realizes a pain
although dulled
by the medication
he must have received

He dares his hands to move
to touch
to investigate this pain

His fears although wild
are true

What to define himself as
can he find himself attractive again

Questions asked
blame assessed
body scarred
being scarred

"How much would you pay for your uterus?"
these words that flash into his mind
he doesnt have a uterus
because of this
he doesnt have much of anything

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Take this as you please:

I was talking to a boy with the intentions of seeing what would happen between us.
What happened would be things of learning. On how a boy and his family move cross country due to someones hatred. A hatred that was so strong and blind to all that is anything good. That cause the person who harbors the hate to commit an act. An act so sick, its beyond rape. Its beyond murder. The fact that the boy whom I spoke to was castrated... I just dont know what you can say. He is scarred for life. Can hardly be touched by anyone. Including his family. Lacks trust for anyone. Can't find himself attractive. Can hardly trust what I said to him, when I reached out. But he has. And that made all the difference. The fire in the dark forest just gained some kindling and is burning a little brighter and bigger. Well see if we can start a forest fire...

Saturday, July 16, 2005


Vanessa Williams is a woman after my heart. She sings so well and with so much emotion. I just dont know. This song felt right, right now.

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They say it's a river,
that circles the earth
A beam of light shining
to the edge of the universe
it conquers all, it changes everything

They say it's a blessing,
they say it's a gift
they say it's a miracle
and I believe that it is
it conquers all, but it's a mystery

Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hardand it fades away so easily

In this world we've created
where this place that we lived
in a blink of an eye the darkness slips in
love lights the world
unites the love that´s for eternity

Love brakes the chain
Love aches for everyone of us
Love takes the tears of pain,
and it turns it into the beauty that remains

Look at this place
it was paradise, but now it's dying
I´ll brave the love
I´ll take, my chances that it´s not too late

Love brakes your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard and fades away so easily


Love brakes the chain
Love aches for everyone of us
Love takes the tears and the pain,
and turns it into the beauty that remains

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So I have been breaking down lately. I was reading Elyse's blog and just started crying. So I was talking to ALyssa about it and she thinks it might have something to do with me clinging to the people who were around Mr. Cacciatore. Which I think is a definate possibility. Although I may never have truely known Ms Elyse Flagg, I do beleive I felt who she was. And am glad I did. She has truly become an inspiration of sorts for what I wish to be as a person. Namely someone who is dedicated and someone who is in Love with another person. To be able to say that you Love someone the way that she loves Ted is something to shout from the mountaintops.

I was also talking with my friend and amazing choreographer but namely amaziny person, Tara Tober. We were just talkin about my breaking down also. About how it might be the past. She felt that there was nothing wrong with that and I agree. I started talkin about what else it could be and the things I was talking about are things that she feels people need to go through. But sometimes I feel like i wont be able to do them or be able to complete them. I so look up to her in so many ways. She so professional, positive, talented, acheived. And with all that she had accomplished, she wants more than what shes got. She wants more for herself. She wants to go back and become a Rockette like she almost had before. We also talked about how I view good music. About how its all about the emotion the meaning. We talked about our most meaningful life experiences involving the fine arts. She had an experience where she was so frustrated and needed to vent that she was in her driveway at 2 AM with no thoughts or music dancing. Gettin out exactly what she needed without saying a thing. The thought of that gave me chills. I asked her why she was friends with me... (This seems to be my patented question which usually moves into a deep meaningful conversation...) She said there was something that she just couldnt pin point with me. I cared about getting to know people and wanted to know more about my art. The fact that she was able to see exactly what I was doing and for what reason was amazing to me. Its very rare for me to be able to have someone that is able to do that. She is just so nice, and through that, she has allowed me to see so much more good in people and the world. Shes shown me that being a good person is better than anything you could ever do. Better than the most beautiful music. And the way I see it, the only way I can make truly beautiful music is if I am truly beautiful to myself. And the only way I can do that is if I am ok with who I am. I dont think I can truly put into words how much Tara means to me. She has become such a good part of my life. Shes nice for the need of niceness, for the need of no reason, just to be nice. Thats dumbfounding.


So to those who have taught me more than I could ever be taught in school (And a few taught me in school too!). You may not know how much you mean to me. I may not have ever told you verbally. But I hope you know, in your heart. That you have acheived part of the master plan in your life's journey.

Brosseau