ok,

===
1
you are one of a very few people
who actually
approach me tonight
you nearly bowl me over with your hug
it made me entirely too happy
but i really dont mind
i love your touch
but what i love more
you being my friend
i want to talk to you
i hope we do that soon
===
2
alright
you now officially take john's place in my heart
thats really it
i hope you remember everything from tonight
cause i sure as hell am
i hope we hang out
and i hope we can continue this trend
===
3
how i have missed you
without thinking about it
you are one of my favorites
always have been
glad i could spend this time with you
another person i should be talking to
at the very least
on a regular basis
make that happen flute boy?
===================================

so here's to an evening that actually went well
i feel at little bit bad about being a
social butterfly whore
but oh well
for once
i feel good
i saw friends
i drank
and lordy
i felt like i was myself
bitch or not

loves

whether looking across a crowded room
or a table
i look at you
in a way
that i do no feel with anyone else
our relationship has "changed"
but still remains quite the same
and i still look at you that way
and with one more look at you
i dont know how i will feel
i almost hope that things dont change
at least when it comes to what i see
when you smile
laugh
are angry
in thought
when it comes to those moments i see
your absolute beauty
and you in turn
make me feel absolutely
beyond words

from time to time
i wonder about the secret lives
of those that surround me
not so much even whole lives
but the lies and secrets that
present facades to me
i hypothesize and theorize
whilst i should be going to sleep
and in turn keeping me from the thing
i intend to do

i wonder about what they do after they leave
if their future actions will match the plans they said
did they go home

did they go astray
====================
====================

convoluted words
mixed in with a dash of action
throw personalities
chock full of perspectives of their own
he said she said
and in turn
they both thought this of them
even without the weighted verbs
tied down with pronouns
the future is unknown
and unsure
nothing positive
nothing necessarily negative
just a big ball
of conflict
sometimes silent
at times out loud
maybe even dramatic
heaven forbid
queens

dont say it
dont speak
another word
of oral intercourse
actions
show your hand

it all leads back to you sir
it all leads back to you
even when i meet someone new
and they occupy my time
you either interrupt my thought stream
or are the lovely next sentence
to follow the end of theirs

i kinda wonder from time to time
why the people that come into my life
do
i mean
not only why do people come in
and go out of my life
but why
do the types of people
that come and go
come and go
why is it
constantly the type of people
i feel like more and more the
guys i am attracted to
are the ones i "shouldn't be"
attracted to
full of impossibility
possibly lackluster in quality
or some glaring issue maybe
and why do i fall for their entrance
into my life
why does it sweep me off my feet
not that the person is
but more like their entrance is
the opening of a door to a stormy
iowa march evening
clear crisp and full of wind
and i am just a piece of paper in the wind
blown for what feels like miles
when all in all
if you were to write them down
i would indicate they were nothing
to remark about

and why
why do i still think about you
whenever anyone else enters my mind
any possible person that could "replace" you
i think of them
and then of you
and i am not sure if it is my conscious self
pushing you back in
or whether its my unconscious
my soul
my heart
pushing you back to where it believes
you belong
at the forefront of my being
my thoughts
my heart

i wish i had someone to talk to about whats going on
other than my counselor

stretched out
stretched out over the map
what appears to be a man
but a boy in ways
and another
who is slightly older but still younger
giving awkward silence for awkward silence
savoring nothing
=============
=============
when i sat there with you and him
i not only thought of myself but
i thought of us and you both
and none of it felt right today
this is shit
=============
=============
i wish i could be the asshole who lives inside of me
and say the things i keep inside
be outlandish and brash
even more so than now
i wish i could have the you you've shown me
be the you you always are
not to expect you not to change
but merely to be that open
i should expect your behaviour by now
but even six
almost seven years
i have learned not
================
================
i am a conflicting ball of emotions and concepts
once more
and why not throw myself into the fire
for the burning flesh
in feeling and odor is what reminds me that
i'm alive
surprisingly
my absence from you makes me think
that things are not as they were
maybe that distance has improved
my functional ability
without being inundated by you
in my mind
but the moment i hear your voice
read your words
see your face
i melt
i fall to pieces once more
so my months of sub conscious rebuilding
is for nothing it seems
but i find myself
questioning
questioning whether or not the cross is too much
if the load may be breaking my back
rather than just scarring me
i have felt this way before
and face the unknown again
sneaking suspicions arise saying that i will stay
for "he's not heavy"
but i must question the sanity of my decision
if to keep you on
because my year is about my improvement
of self
and maybe you being my "junk"
should find its place on the pile
rather than in the suitcases i dont wish to haul
behind me
forever