stretched out
stretched out over the map
what appears to be a man
but a boy in ways
and another
who is slightly older but still younger
giving awkward silence for awkward silence
savoring nothing
=============
=============
when i sat there with you and him
i not only thought of myself but
i thought of us and you both
and none of it felt right today
this is shit
=============
=============
i wish i could be the asshole who lives inside of me
and say the things i keep inside
be outlandish and brash
even more so than now
i wish i could have the you you've shown me
be the you you always are
not to expect you not to change
but merely to be that open
i should expect your behaviour by now
but even six
almost seven years
i have learned not
================
================
i am a conflicting ball of emotions and concepts
once more
and why not throw myself into the fire
for the burning flesh
in feeling and odor is what reminds me that
i'm alive
surprisingly
my absence from you makes me think
that things are not as they were
maybe that distance has improved
my functional ability
without being inundated by you
in my mind
but the moment i hear your voice
read your words
see your face
i melt
i fall to pieces once more
so my months of sub conscious rebuilding
is for nothing it seems
but i find myself
questioning
questioning whether or not the cross is too much
if the load may be breaking my back
rather than just scarring me
i have felt this way before
and face the unknown again
sneaking suspicions arise saying that i will stay
for "he's not heavy"
but i must question the sanity of my decision
if to keep you on
because my year is about my improvement
of self
and maybe you being my "junk"
should find its place on the pile
rather than in the suitcases i dont wish to haul
behind me
forever