where do i go?
how do i feel?
someone give me
some fucking direction
i have questions
that will never be answered
because to say the least
i cant handle them
how do i accept that?
how do i not get out
of my bed in the morning?
how when i do
od people not recognize
the triumph of all of that?
how do i love
and lose that love
how do i dare be attracted
to someone i dont love
i want a physicality
but i know
that it wont fill the void
did i truely love him
does he love me
does he care?
why do i fuck up life
how do i manage to miss
2 lessons of growth and learning
why do i feel like god
hates me
why does nothing seem to go my way
that i truely care about
why do the things i thought
that i once care about
mean nothing to me now?
why do i feel
so good around
a woman
why does she love me
why does it hurt to hear it?
why does it hurt to know
that even if i was straight
that there could be no us
why do i feel like
the world is out to end me
that i have things
hidden from me
that i will never know
why am i blessed with what i have
when none of it means much to me
compared to love
compared ot him
but does he mean that much?
why do i not go to class?
why do i lie about things
why do i avoid my life
why did i stop taking my meds
what is keeping me from killing myself
cause i would love to know
what it is
and thank it
for what it is
be it an angel
and person
a memory
an event
whatever it is
it is my strength
my rock in a weary land
my old school valley singers
my Iowa State Singers
my music
my beauty
my truth
my freedom
my love
why is it that only in poems
i have clarity
but only following
wading through the questions
and negativity
what keeps me from jumping to this point
but even with clarity
why wont the questions stop
or quiet
always loud
always constant
grant me peace
grant my quiet
grant me serenity
grant me more strength
grant me your god
your religion
something to beleive in
something to make it make sense
not this
grant me this to be over