i keep falling, i must rededicate myself to God. I think my falling could be linked with how much activity has occurred with homosexual persons in my life namely the amount of non sexual activity involving them. Also ever since PRIDE I have had an issue with someone. And I fear talking to him about it. I cant beleive what he said and I feel like him in turn agreeing with how I felt was a total cop out. Just cause I associate with persons involved in something doesnt mean I am that originization or what it represents. I also have been looking around me lately and finding that I am gettin that feeling of loneliness ie the Lord's presence isn't strongly felt in me right now. when i am strong with him I feel no emptiness. I dont feel lost but I feel as though a part of me is missing. I know that I cannot fill that void with someone wordly it has to be someone greater than everything. leaving one option, God. but it is still hard for me to look around and see face to face relationships as well as relationships that are also purely sexual. it makes me rethink my morals, ethics and life...

do i want to teach music, people say it drives people away...
would i be happier as a slut than as someone who is more sexually conservative...
should I take time to see if any gain can come from a face to face relationship...
should i spend this much time on music now just beacuse it will help later...


and anyone that is remotely awake, sorry if this is bitch, can tell that this email is a literal fight in my brain. i mean come on between who and who. GOD and the devil. its that easy. I refuse to fall again so soon. REFUSE.