the reality of height in pairing

i wrote down the phrase

the reality of height in pairing

and i looked back at what i wrote
and am but only confused
ideas come and go
but not a one feels right

i wonder to myself
if it was
my reality
that petty height
can
and for some reason
does play quite a role in regards to
those i find attractive

does that idea make me vain
that i require a certain height
or desire
for lack of better terms

now sits
that maybe
in pairing
a subconscious ruling
holds us to its will
making sure that a natural balance occurs
like light to dark
tension to release

whatever did i intend
when i wrote
that phrase

its amazing what technology has done
even from the very beginning
the advent of the pencil to cross the quill
and there in turn comes the pen

the creation of the manual typewriter
to the electric
to the computer

we now can bury information in a picture
the way a newscaster sometimes
tried to bury the lead

but ever since the beginning of time
and written communication
there has been unused
space

space between letters
words
lines
the margins
and the letters themselves
made of negative space

space for meaning

within the margins there are a those words that wish to spill
forth from whatever means you have to write
to explain the idiosyncrasies of what you truly mean
to help the reader to explain
yourself

to read between the lines
to find the true meaning

to feel the love inside of the p b d and q

it is only too unfortunate
that to fill a medium completely
may mean nothing

that is why color can sometimes speak beyond words
or why a picture can speak droves

so here is the space between
the gravity and pull that holds it all together

goodbye
seems to be one of those words
that pervades language
from tongue to tongue

everyone has a word for it
and no one really likes saying it
not at least
with its true intent
good
bye

modern lyricists and songwriters
seem to reach a point
in their careers
where a goodbye song
is inevitable

as goodbye is
in and of itself
inevitable
in life

some of the most amazing songs
surround that word
that idea

even now
as i write this
i find a new song
i have never heard

that touches the very heart of me

that word
i never want to say
especially to you

but the days will come
where part of me wishes to speak those words

don't let those days fool you
because as far as i am concerned
my brain can think all it wants
my heart will speak
even when its hard
and it continues to tell me
that it loves you
and won't ever stop

these really are all the words i can muster.

i came home
to a place i deplore
and adore
for all the wrong
and all the right reasons

i was ready to get back to work
but had some things to clean up
i bowed my head
and took my lashes
but still had nothing to work on

by the time i received
what i was supposed
to work on
i was so distracted
i never got anything done
and i do mean
anything

i fucked things up with my best friend
and was shown
that a few people i know
were more than just merely petty

school starts
and i am raring to go
two days well played
day three

things crumbled

i can only hope
and attempt to make
day four and onward
be the best they can be

but this shit scares me
i don't want things to fall
further
apart

i want to be better
i wish to by my best

so i can get out of this place
this place
where the fences hold me in
and the sky seems to hold me down

i wish i was free to decide
trusted by those i give my trust to

i wish things weren't so complicated
like me

i wish i didn't feel the need to
go back to
counseling

but i feel alone
without a single ally

the cheese stands proverbially alone
and the farmer
who in some way
is associated with this dell
seems to give two shits
whether or not a rat picks me up and carries me away

blah
this is shit

i have returned to the flood plains
for lack of better monicker

and i have begun to wonder
if it is in fact
that the discourse
and unrest i feel
is due to
myself
or my experiences
mind you very well
that both are at times
one in the same

i merely wonder if these feelings are
good
or bad
possibly if they can be even deemed
as such

but what of how i feel
where is it coming from
and why
time and timing
reality versus
idealism

where does this stem from
and if possible
do i cut it down

the ancient world says
that we were born
with two heads
and four legs
in this form we were happy

the gods in their
wisdom
threw down lightening bolts
that split everyone in two

and by this action
we were forever to wander
the earth
in search of our other half

our soul mates

i used to think that soul mates
were true
and that there is only one match for one
puzzle piece

i grew to believe
that there were many pieces
that fit together
some better than others

now i wonder
whether or not either is true

i find myself
now
even during a time
that i would not describe as great
finding myself happy
and contented
in my own action
following my own heart

however
maybe half is complete
if soul mates do exist
so my emptiness
was two thirds
of one half

instead of one half of the whole
never to feel complete
until the other half is found

summer is ending
so well
i make a decision
that fucks up
maybe necessarily my relationship with
the one man i care more about
than anyone

and i was supposed to go to wedding
note supposed
i knew i wasn't welcome
but i was someone's date
and was pushed out
surprise surprise
jess was right

congrats to the petty
meddling is so highly looked upon

how was i supposed to react to this news
that was yet to be made official

vomit
it is amazing that i allow certain things to be
on my radar
when i clearly should not

thinking of you, even in movies that launched the career of a woman who would go on to act in early seasons of "Saved by the Bell." And later inspired a remake that would launch the career of a cokehead.

this endlessly reminds me of the morning we left london.

give me every cliche
or adage
that would apply to this situation
these moments
the thoughts in my head
heart and soul

because if i knew how to quit you
i would want to
whether or not i would
is a separate matter

if i could have you erased
a la eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
i would want to
whether or not i would
is all together divided

love is forever a torn
ideal
to allow someone that far in
without losing yourself

there are bound to be problems
and we can only hope there will be good

so here is to what i have said i am
a conflicting ball of emotions and ideas

i am a neutron cloud
a flying mass of ideas that are bound to collide
and when they do
i will have to come to the reality
of what i am
conflicted

in love
with you
still

watching the fagmalion episodes of will and grace breaks my heart. i wonder why? anyone wanna clue my sarcastic ass in?

i don't want to be in a one night stand with you
or even just a bender
i want to be with you forever

just give me a chance
not only you
but the universe
grant me the one thing i have circled for years

i am sick of the self preservation
wishing i was through with all of the things i do
in the end
to myself

i have said
that it is better to stand nearby you
than be apart from you
even when i have to watch things that hurt me
but i think the time has come
that maybe
standing so near
is causing me pain
in and of itself

on some level many of the things i have said in the past were true
and one stands to this day
still
maybe it isn't right

but maybe you don't deserve me
i may not always believe
those that compliment me
but i am not hideous
i am worthy of time and energy
give me a chance
pick me up off the floor where you seem to discard me
we get closer
and it hurts more
because i gain more knowledge and access
to the things you hid from me
for whatever reason

i love you
i have for the better part of a decade
when will this endgame begin
or end

i have realized two things during this birthday week... two week period.

1. for some people unconditional love that seems to be endless, may not be sexy

2. that maybe the reason things sometimes don't happen is not only cause they weren't supposed to, but that the conditions have yet to exist that would provide the event's possibility. and maybe inaction, second guessing and "ponderances" are also a part of this. that maybe even in the moments when it seems that these event horizons may possibly be approaching, it is better to succumb to the reality of the moment, rather than force the proverbial square block in the proverbial triangular hole -- if you so wish to use the children's toys metaphor.

i will continue to love. sexy or not. and one day, maybe, the conditions for my desired event, will align. and then and only then, may i know the true possibility of my desire.

i welcome all come-ers
with one hand open, palm up
and one hand cocked and in ready fist
i was here before you
i will be here after you
in the end your shit will be gone
while i still stand here
with him

will you?

I hear music
Mighty fine music
The murmur of a morning breeze up there
The rattle of the milkman on the stair
Sure that's music
Mighty fine music
The singing of a sparrow in the sky
The perking of the coffee right near by
That's my favorite melody
You my angel, phoning me
I hear music
Mighty fine music
And anytime I think my world is wrong
I get me out of bed and sing this song

=======================================

it doesn't matter who has come into my life
or who has gone
you were always there
if only in my mind

you haunt me
i remember you
anything important

it doesn't seem to matter
if anyone else matters
cause in the end there you are
you come into my mind

i love you
and cannot seem to ever let you go
and when i think that you have let me go
i realize that I have yet to let you

i love you
remember
i was there before
and i want to be there
let me give everything to you
everything for you

i love you

ok
so super thoughtful tonight
things that are on the agenda

-guys
specifically guys who are slutty and guys who are sexually confusing
-girls
all with special thought given to manipulating and controlling girls
-all the new people in my life
-what i am gonna do in the fall
-what i am gonna do this summer
-money
-why my friendships are the way they are
-why i am not in a relationship
-why i really help everyone
why i am really nice to everyone
-my self image
and to that extent self esteem
-how i feel about all these new people in my life

i feel completely blocked
stuck
and frustrated

and this does not feel new
its boring and old

i would like to know what i need to do to make it stop

if i could get my mind
to get with my gut
i know that i could finally allow some
interesting conversations
about what they each want to do
and why
but the thing is
if i do
or say
everything i think
my heart may be
in very much trouble

i at times vomit up
words
horrible words
either in poor order
or selection
maybe even
hurtful

i want to reach out and touch
touch a little longer perhaps
but i dont
cause i listen to one

cause they dont listen to eachother.

i wonder why the world dealt me that hand
and the one before it
that is tied to the one tonight
why did she say what she said before
and why when i talked to you about it
did you respond in that fashion
i guess
your fashion
as it were

and then you show up
and i bend
and melt
and flow
for you
and all the walls i attempt to build
come crashing down
as if just mere sticks
not adobe
or bricks
or even rebar and concrete

and my company
looks at me
almost with pitty
for the way i let you in
and the way you open the door for me

but i seem to say to myself
better to be
with and in some semblance of pain
than to be without

am i convincing myself
or others?

i still think i love you
or maybe its
i think i still love you
or even
i still love you
i think

i found a part of myself tonight
i dont know how to feel about it
besides kinda happy
i guess
its the bitchy part of me
that really either
takes time off
or is beyond subdued
so
it came out full force tonight
the sarcasm came skipping along too

it was
is
nice to know that its still there
it makes me feel more accomplished
that i am actually moving past it
and not that it just stopped existing


btw
dont write shit on walls like that
it makes me want to puke
joke or serious
i dont care

i might always be the other one

ok,

===
1
you are one of a very few people
who actually
approach me tonight
you nearly bowl me over with your hug
it made me entirely too happy
but i really dont mind
i love your touch
but what i love more
you being my friend
i want to talk to you
i hope we do that soon
===
2
alright
you now officially take john's place in my heart
thats really it
i hope you remember everything from tonight
cause i sure as hell am
i hope we hang out
and i hope we can continue this trend
===
3
how i have missed you
without thinking about it
you are one of my favorites
always have been
glad i could spend this time with you
another person i should be talking to
at the very least
on a regular basis
make that happen flute boy?
===================================

so here's to an evening that actually went well
i feel at little bit bad about being a
social butterfly whore
but oh well
for once
i feel good
i saw friends
i drank
and lordy
i felt like i was myself
bitch or not

loves

whether looking across a crowded room
or a table
i look at you
in a way
that i do no feel with anyone else
our relationship has "changed"
but still remains quite the same
and i still look at you that way
and with one more look at you
i dont know how i will feel
i almost hope that things dont change
at least when it comes to what i see
when you smile
laugh
are angry
in thought
when it comes to those moments i see
your absolute beauty
and you in turn
make me feel absolutely
beyond words

from time to time
i wonder about the secret lives
of those that surround me
not so much even whole lives
but the lies and secrets that
present facades to me
i hypothesize and theorize
whilst i should be going to sleep
and in turn keeping me from the thing
i intend to do

i wonder about what they do after they leave
if their future actions will match the plans they said
did they go home

did they go astray
====================
====================

convoluted words
mixed in with a dash of action
throw personalities
chock full of perspectives of their own
he said she said
and in turn
they both thought this of them
even without the weighted verbs
tied down with pronouns
the future is unknown
and unsure
nothing positive
nothing necessarily negative
just a big ball
of conflict
sometimes silent
at times out loud
maybe even dramatic
heaven forbid
queens

dont say it
dont speak
another word
of oral intercourse
actions
show your hand

it all leads back to you sir
it all leads back to you
even when i meet someone new
and they occupy my time
you either interrupt my thought stream
or are the lovely next sentence
to follow the end of theirs

i kinda wonder from time to time
why the people that come into my life
do
i mean
not only why do people come in
and go out of my life
but why
do the types of people
that come and go
come and go
why is it
constantly the type of people
i feel like more and more the
guys i am attracted to
are the ones i "shouldn't be"
attracted to
full of impossibility
possibly lackluster in quality
or some glaring issue maybe
and why do i fall for their entrance
into my life
why does it sweep me off my feet
not that the person is
but more like their entrance is
the opening of a door to a stormy
iowa march evening
clear crisp and full of wind
and i am just a piece of paper in the wind
blown for what feels like miles
when all in all
if you were to write them down
i would indicate they were nothing
to remark about

and why
why do i still think about you
whenever anyone else enters my mind
any possible person that could "replace" you
i think of them
and then of you
and i am not sure if it is my conscious self
pushing you back in
or whether its my unconscious
my soul
my heart
pushing you back to where it believes
you belong
at the forefront of my being
my thoughts
my heart

i wish i had someone to talk to about whats going on
other than my counselor

stretched out
stretched out over the map
what appears to be a man
but a boy in ways
and another
who is slightly older but still younger
giving awkward silence for awkward silence
savoring nothing
=============
=============
when i sat there with you and him
i not only thought of myself but
i thought of us and you both
and none of it felt right today
this is shit
=============
=============
i wish i could be the asshole who lives inside of me
and say the things i keep inside
be outlandish and brash
even more so than now
i wish i could have the you you've shown me
be the you you always are
not to expect you not to change
but merely to be that open
i should expect your behaviour by now
but even six
almost seven years
i have learned not
================
================
i am a conflicting ball of emotions and concepts
once more
and why not throw myself into the fire
for the burning flesh
in feeling and odor is what reminds me that
i'm alive
surprisingly
my absence from you makes me think
that things are not as they were
maybe that distance has improved
my functional ability
without being inundated by you
in my mind
but the moment i hear your voice
read your words
see your face
i melt
i fall to pieces once more
so my months of sub conscious rebuilding
is for nothing it seems
but i find myself
questioning
questioning whether or not the cross is too much
if the load may be breaking my back
rather than just scarring me
i have felt this way before
and face the unknown again
sneaking suspicions arise saying that i will stay
for "he's not heavy"
but i must question the sanity of my decision
if to keep you on
because my year is about my improvement
of self
and maybe you being my "junk"
should find its place on the pile
rather than in the suitcases i dont wish to haul
behind me
forever

its very comparable
to having a cut be made
then having it heal
when just
suprise
you are cut again

i didnt see you for 6 months
but as soon as i saw you
the "wound" was reopened

and i miss you
all over again
as if it was the first time
we had to part

1. i do not the looks i believe i was given by one person i was not waiting on. you can stop. i know him too.

2. i do not enjoy the look one asst choir director gave me this evening. lady, listen, time off of school is necessary, not for everyone, but for me, yes.

3. i do not enjoy feeling like i am no one's first choice. and i also do not believe that i am no one's first choice cause they are all choosing themselves first (as they should) but am just merely not their first choice. also i am aware that it is the holidays and that people are busy. but this time of year merely drives the point that shows itself all year, all the way home.

4. i do not enjoy hanging out with people from high school cause it reminds me that so much of what i dont like about myself, is still inside of me.

5. i do not enjoy feeling like i am looked over or taken advantage of (in any sense) in my relationships. especially ones i do not care to lose.

6. i know that there are still feelings there. but things have definately changed. but maybe if we saw eachother more often and both put time and effort into our relationship, things would be/could be different.

7. i desperately need chris westra back in my day to day life.

8. steph hyatt is clear and away my best friend.

9. i love the people that are able to pick up where we left off and not talk about our past for more than 3 minutes.

10. hey crapids, why do you grow people so weird? and why do i have to want to die to talk to someone i really give a shit about.

11. sometimes, even if it doesnt involve me, gay comments and references and jokes, really get to me, and i do take it personally. for no reason. but for some reason i must. i am not asking for everyone to walk on eggshells. it just needs to be said.

12. i really do believe in what i am doing. i really wish that the people who werent on board with it and me, would just back off.

12. i wish my brother and sister and i were all closer.

13. i cannot wait for every doctors appointment i go to, cause it makes me feel better about life when i know i am going cause i want to be better and feel better.

14. i really am trying not to be a planner anymore. more of a liver, as dumb as that sounds. i really just want to be happy. theres my plan, get happy.

15. i am full of love. and i know that i don't always show that. but i do ask that if you possibly see anything in me, to take the time to get to know me. especially if i am taking the time to get to know you. and part of me thinks that sounds awful, but i am not willing to not say it.

16. i feel crazy when i write blogs, and that the people who read them will think that i am crazy and over-emotional.

17. i'm done for now.

this blog is dedicated to quite possibly, the best lyrics and sentiment put to work in any form or genre... in maybe the last 10 years.

to Brenda Russell, Allee Willis and Stephen Bray.

=
=

"Our Prayer"

I WANNA KNOW HOW THE WORLD GOES.
HOW FAR IS THE MOON?
HOW THE SKY CHANGES COLOR?
HOPE I FIND OUT SOON.

What you want?

I WANNA SIT AND DO NOTHING.
MAKE YOU A NEW DRESS.
HOPE MY BABIES ARE HAPPY,
SOMEPLACE GOD WILL BLESS.

Celie! Get to work!

AIN'T NO NEED TO DISCUSS.

IT AIN'T WORTH A BIG FUSS.

WHATEVER COME TO US
IS IN GOD'S HANDS.
WHEN I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP,
I WILL SAY MY PRAYER
THAT GOD LOVE ME SO DEEP,
HE WILL PROMISE OUR SOULS TO KEEP
TOGETHER.
I'LL SAY A PRAYER.

Who that man talkin' to Pa?

He lookin' for a new wife take care of his mean chirren.

I WANT TO MARRY NETTIE.
SHE A SWEET YOUNG GIRL.

She too young.

SHE'S THE CUTEST THING
IN THIS WHOLE WORLD.

She gonna be a teacher.

PICTURE ME IN A SCHOOLHOUSE
WITH MY COLLEGE DEGREE.
I COULD TEACH ALL MY CHILDREN
TO SPELL TENNESSEE.

You can have Celie, though. She too old to be livin' at home.

MAYBE I'LL HAVE A GARDEN
WHERE BIRDS COME TO SING.
KNOW A FINCH FROM A SPARROW,
FIX A BROKEN WING.

I don't want Celie. She ugly.

I WANNA HEAR YOUR BIRDS SING.

WANNA HEAR YOUR SCHOOL BELL RING.

NO MATTER WHAT LIFE BRING,
US IN GOD'S HANDS.

Whyn't you quit comin' 'round here and just go marry your Shug Avery?

SHUG AVERY

Who Shug Avery?

SHUG AVERY!

She Mister ol' girlfriend.

Shug Avery not a child-raisin' woman, you know that. She the Queen Honeybee.

She a low-down ho, is what everybody say.
You lookin' for a new Shug Avery, you better go to Memphis. All we got here is one
pretty gal you can't never have, and one ugly gal

. . . that work like a man. I-I-I-I
I-I-I-I REALLY WANT THAT GIRL.

I told you no!

WHEN I I WANNA
LAY ME DOWN TO MARRY
SLEEP, NETTIE.
I WILL SHE A
SAY MY PRAYER SWEET YOUNG GIRL.
THAT GOD LOVE
ME SHE THE
SO DEEP, SWEETEST THING
HE WILL IN THIS
PROMISE WHOLE
OUR SOULS WIDE WORLD.
TO KEEP TOGETHER. I-I-I-I
I'LL SAY A PRAYER I REALLY WANT THAT GIRL.

You want any kids?

Someday, I guess.
WE'LL LIVE IN BIG HOUSES.

PUT SWINGS IN THE TREES.

BRAID UP YOUR GRAY HAIR

IN THE COOL OF THE BREEZE.
AND ONE DAY
OUR CHILDREN WILL SING -
WHEN I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP,
I WILL SAY MY PRAYER
THAT GOD LOVE ME SO DEEP,
HE WILL PROMISE OUR SOULS TO KEEP
TOGETHER.
I'LL SAY A PRAYER.
I'LL SAY OUR PRAYER.


"Too Beautiful for Words"

You not ugly. You the grace of God if us ever see it.
You don't believe me.
Miss Celie . . . Miss Celie, look here. Look at yourself.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE KIND OF GAL
THAT HAD A LOT TO SAY.
I SAYS THE THINGS THAT'S ON MY MIND,
TOO DUMB TO SHY AWAY.
BUT YOU HUSH MY MOUTH AND STILL ME
WITH A SONG I'VE NEVER HEARD.
I GUESS THAT MEANS THAT YOU ARE JUST
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.
I'VE SEEN THIS LIFE FROM HIGH AND LOW
AND ALL THAT'S IN BETWEEN.
I DANCED WITH DUKES, CROONED WITH COUNTS,
BEEN COURTED LIKE A QUEEN.
BUT WHEN I SEE WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART,
ALL THE REST IS BLURRED.
THE GRACE YOU BRING INTO THIS WORLD'S
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.
YOU HIDE YOUR HEAD UNDER YOUR WING
JUST LIKE A LITTLE BIRD.
OH, DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL,
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS?
CELIE, YOU'RE TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.


"What About Love"

Harpo make a lot of money if you stay here and sing.

Yeah, but now you got me feelin' so much better, I got to get back on the road, make
some money, you know.

When you have to go?

In the morning. But I'll be back, too, in a month or so.
You'll see. Nobody ever love me like you.

Damn, girl.

IS THAT ME WHO'S FLOATING AWAY?
LIFTED UP TO THE CLOUDS BY A KISS,
NEVER FELT NOTHIN' LIKE THIS.

IS THAT ME I DON'T RECOGNIZE?
LOVE'S THE ONE THING I KNEW ALL ABOUT,
I HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT.

BUT WHAT ABOUT TRUST?

WHAT ABOUT TRUST?

WHAT ABOUT TENDERNESS?

TENDERNESS?

WHAT ABOUT TEARS WHEN I'M HAPPY?
WHAT ABOUT WINGS WHEN I FALL?
I WANT YOU TO BE
A STORY FOR ME
THAT I CAN BELIEVE IN FOREVER.

AND WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

LOVE?

WILL YOU BE MY LIGHT IN THE STORM?
WILL I SEE A NEW WORLD IN YOUR EYES?
WITH YOU MY WHOLE SPIRIT RISE.

AND WHAT ABOUT HOPE?

WHAT ABOUT HOPE?

WHAT ABOUT JOY?

WHAT ABOUT JOY?

WHAT ABOUT TEARS WHEN I'M HAPPY?
WHAT ABOUT WINGS WHEN I FALL?
I WANT YOU TO BE
A STORY FOR ME
THAT I CAN BELIEVE IN FOREVER.

AND WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

LOVE?

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT LOVE? . . .
SHUG CELIE
YOU AND ME YOU AND ME
YOU AND ME YOU AND ME, OH,
SENT TO ME
WHAT ABOUT
WHAT ABOUT
WHAT ABOUT
LOVE?
LOVE . . . ?


"The Color Purple"


God forgot about me!

God takin' his time getting around to you, I admit, but look at all he give us.
Laughin', and singin', and sex. Sky over our heads, birds singin' to us. I think it piss
God off if anybody even walk past the color purple in a field and not notice it. He
say, "look what I made for you."

God just another man, far as I'm concerned, he triflin' and lowdown . . .

No, Celie. God not some gloomy old man like the pictures you've seen of him.
God not a man at all.
GOD IS INSIDE YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE
THAT WAS OR EVER WILL BE.
WE COME INTO THIS WORLD WITH GOD.
BUT ONLY THEM WHO LOOK INSIDE FIND IT.
GOD IS THE FLOWERS AND EVERYTHING ELSE
THAT WAS OR EVER WILL BE.
AND WHEN YOU FEEL THE TRUTH SO REAL,
AND WHEN YOU LOVE THE WAY YOU FEEL, YOU'VE FOUND IT
JUST AS SURE AS MOONLIGHT BLESS THE NIGHT.
LIKE A BLADE OF CORN,
LIKE A HONEYBEE,
LIKE A WATERFALL,
ALL A PART OF ME.
LIKE THE COLOR PURPLE,
WHERE DO IT COME FROM?
OPEN UP YOUR EYES,
LOOK WHAT GOD HAS DONE.

You better be gettin' back. Your husband probably wonderin' where you are.

Where do you want to be, Celie?

With you.

All right then.

God gon' take me to live with you?

Come on.


"I'm Here"

I DON'T NEED YOU TO LOVE ME,
I DON'T NEED YOU TO LOVE.
I GOT . . .
I GOT . . .
I GOT MY SISTER.
I CAN FEEL HER NOW,
SHE MAY NOT BE HERE, BUT SHE STILL MINE.
I KNOW SHE STILL LOVE ME.
GOT MY CHILDREN.
I CAN'T HOLD THEM NOW,
THEY MAY NOT BE HERE, BUT THEY STILL MINE.
I HOPE THEY KNOW I STILL LOVE THEM.
GOT MY HOUSE.
IT STILL KEEP THE COLD OUT.
GOT MY CHAIR
WHEN MY BODY CAN'T HOLD OUT.
GOT MY HANDS
DOIN' GOOD LIKE THEY S'POSE TO,
SHOWIN' MY HEART
TO THE FOLKS THAT I'M CLOSE TO.
GOT MY EYES.
THOUGH THEY DON'T SEE AS FAR NOW,
THEY SEE MORE 'BOUT HOW THINGS
REALLY ARE NOW . . .
I'M GONNA TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
GONNA HOLD MY HEAD UP.
GONNA PUT MY SHOULDERS BACK,
AND LOOK YOU STRAIGHT IN THE EYE.
I'M GONNA FLIRT WITH SOMEBODY
WHEN THEY WALK BY.
I'M GONNA SING OUT . . .
SING OUT.
I BELIEVE I HAVE INSIDE OF ME
EVERYTHING THAT I NEED TO LIVE A BOUNTIFUL LIFE.
WITH ALL THE LOVE ALIVE IN ME
I'LL STAND AS TALL AS THE TALLEST TREE.
AND I'M
THANKFUL FOR EVERYDAY THAT I'M GIVEN,
BOTH THE EASY AND HARD ONES I'M LIVIN'.
BUT MOST OF ALL
I'M THANKFUL FOR
LOVING WHO I REALLY AM.
I'M BEAUTIFUL.
YES, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
AND I'M HERE.

i could sit and wonder everything about it and us
i would gladly cry and make a fool of myself
if it would help move us any further forward
but not necessarily if it would move us any faster
i want to write on your wall and make it obvious
and show up in your day to day life and make a scene
but i know that would accomplish nothing of what i wish
so i look to you now and and ask please
please very much help me to understand
what really has changed
beyond my location
but with you
i have been told by someone moderately crazy
that you have changed
not that i don't believe her
it's just that i think hesitation is worth it with her
but the likelihood that you have changed
i hope is high
but not in regards to leaving us where we once lay
i too have changed and grown
but without being there with you
you have no idea where i have gone, nor i you
i would love to talk with you
and sit with you
and wax on about any little thing how boring
but i feel as thought that is impossible now
and i know that i am essentially rambling on
but the amazing thing in this case
is that i feel like i have yet to hit my mark
my phase
where to the reader
if there is one
all would become clear
to where everyone would be unlikely not to understand
i just really love him
in the way that i do
which i know has quite a bit of merit for delving
and i understand that i am loud and brash
but i am a person of substance and worth investment
and after the initial moments
which by the way we have past that quite a long time ago
i tend to open up and show you
the person worth it all
and for me
you were worth it all
all my energy
all my time
not cause i wanted you or needed you
in any sexual way
in any way perverse
i needed you in my life
cause i had never experienced anything like you
any higher "thread count" in a person
a person of such quality that not only would
you on paper be worth volumes of research
but you would inspire songs and dances and poems that would be cronicled
oddly enough
also into volumes for the world to look over
i may scare you in some way
i may have caused you to take a load
because i could see
being my friend more than likely
isn't easy
but
if you did succumb to that
i am let down
i am sad
i am partly destroyed
but i doubt that
i want to know why you were too busy for me
when i have never shown you
to my knowledge
that i was too busy for you
what cause us to be where we are
and i hope you want to know as much as i do
but i feel like you dont wish to find out
maybe you are afraid
but i want to walk there with you
and find out
together
so at least, if even for a moment you and i will both remember
what we had before
as whatever we were
friends
brothers
work out partners
acquaintances
but even if that was supposed to be the last moment
i would have felt it one last time
and really
i still think
in my heart
that isn't too much to ask

i think i know some of the stupidest people.

i think i know someone i love dearly who for some reason cannot tell me the truth.

and i have so much to learn. and i love it all dearly, because i will love to see how it all works out.

to all of my relationships I have maintained over differences in proximity;

Alex and Steph
Alex and Mandy
Alex and Ana
Alex and Kevin


and countless others...

thank you for showing that distance is no burden.

and with a rush of feelings
an old friend returns

i feel alone
or destined perhaps
to be
i mean i look around
and i see those who continue living their lives
without me
and it makes me question
did i really have an impact
i mean sure they feel something
but can they really continue on
completely ok

now trust me
there is a part of myself
that knows that i sound crazy
and knows that this question
is a bit off kilter
i mean to ask if someone can truely live without you
do you really want them to not be able to
would you be ok with that
would you be able to exist inside the relationship
with that
knowing that

i dont think i could

but all the same

i wonder how much they think of me
how much they miss me
and if they all cried
like she did
when they knew i was gone
i wonder how they will all react
if i really didnt come back
at all

i am slightly surprised
in the moments
where i displace myself
just in the mind
from where i truely

driving down a road i am no longer in iowa
instead i am in new england
the lights go out as it storms outside
and now i am in WWII London

my mind
even when unaltered by substance
is quite amazing
seeing the things it wants to see
almost separate from myself

almost to let me dream
as well as to wake me up

i will also wait for you
till the day where you will come to me
finally accepting me
for what i am
the best option
i believe
for you
the one that has always loved you
and known
even before you knew
i didnt see you for a year
and the feelings dripped away
falling piece by soggy piece
until all the piece of this puzzle
were scattered and indistinguishable
and in one night
the puzzle
reconstructed
as if it had never been anything but whole
and in that moment
you threw my world back into chaos
more than it already had been
never will i be surprised by the gays
and the way they will stir my life up
bringing the brine to a boil

i will continue to wait
for you
and your word
finally saying that you
will accept my help
the help that has been waiting for you
all these years
the whole time

running way out loud
dancing through a day dream
trying to figure out
what the hell my life should be
i feel so stuck
--

i am just wondering where to go
and what to do
with all of this new information
and revived information

to act my age
to stay in school
in iowa
in ames
to move away


and to be done with all the drama in my life
gay or straight

i sometimes wonder
why i am the one putting in the effort
who has put in the effort for ages
and now i am still the one trying to make it work
i am not saying there is a sense of entitlement i hold on to
however i do wonder
but then again i am not in the same position
so i cannot say if i would do the same

however
it does make me wonder

i watch a --
from what i feel and see
-- clearly confused relationship
where both sides are incredibly young
and new to the world they live in

their actions
are not as they say they are
there is confusion
and frustration

i do wonder
how long it will last
how many times they will have to trespass
against one another

vapid meaningless sex
idle conversation
non-analytical thought processes
and slow if any forward movement in their life

hard to watch
but i will stand by
and wait
until i am needed
by their standards
or mine

there is part of me that wonders
and questions
everything about me
constantly
but there is part of me
who longs to not be that person
incidentally it is the same part as the questioning

i feel forty as a turn 21
i long to be my age
as well as act it

i wish to have what i need to do
and what i want to do to fall in line
together
so that all would be in agreement
maybe then there would be less conflict
and the execution of my wants and needs
would feel more possible

hey!
do you ever think that maybe just maybe
your relationship should exist
not based on sex
but based on an actual relationship
of emotions and commonalities and differences

no, of course not

you should continue to have your relationship exist as is
never questioning anything
acting like everything as it stands is perfect
that because your relationship is easy
and nothing is questioned

i have opinions that are reserved for my mind's ear only
and they arent the nicest
but know that neither your "other half" nor you
are safe from them
no one is above or below the other
but from my look on things
something's gotta change

have you ever done something you werent proud of?
that you immediately regretted following
but it was somehow an act you knew you could commit again

i mean i have hooked up before
with at least two handfuls of people
and i dont think there is one i dont really regret in some way
but those people
no offense to them
were worth it
never was there a grain of truth in my delusions i had about they and i

i mean i would never commit those actions with someone i could see future with
or had invested true emotions in
i guess it must mean something when i want to commit regretable actions
but in the end
choose that it is better to have the relationship remain the same and grow from that point

this trip to sweden with the family only further proves
medication is in fact my friend
and that i am still very unhealthy and unstable

i
however
am a growing and changing person
who is still worth the effort
and time
and even though i have negative thoughts
they are no longer self defeating in the sense that
i would end my own life
they are limited to natural and pseudo natural causes
ending my life
no worries tho
it wont happen
or maybe it will
but it will not be known to me

lets also put this here

i really love some people
and i hope they read this

last i knew

one of them still did

thanks kevin

and thanks everyone else who may be reading this

the people who are meant to see who you really are
be it loveliness or true grit and scars
they see it only if they were meant to
the people who do not understand you in the way you wish
were never meant to at all

one of my favorite things
is realizing how stupid things are
when you look back
how unimportant moments were
the minuscule impact they have now
or even looking at the behavior
of a group or an age
and knowing what you know now
about their actions
when you commit them

the only part about it
that i dont like
are when you realize that
you have been doing this
a long time
and you in turn
haven't had many
of those moments yourself

odd enough i guess
to somehow want moments
that later in life you wouldnt mind having been without

i guess i never thought about it
ya know
having a different voice
not this one
not to say that it would be trained differently
or had different experiences
but to have just been born with
a different voice
or even odder
to
have had the voice i have now
and to have lost it
and had it replaced
by something that is not my voice
but still have it have had
the same experiences and training somehow
odd
i guess i should thank my lucky stars for the one i got
and forsake the moments i hate it
because the moments that it is glorious
far outnumber the times it is not

only fitting i guess
that a friend of mine
would be thinking
even though just merely entertaining
fictitiously
the ideas i once harboured as a twelve year old
so the idea is that
life at times does not seem worth living
and that the ending of ones life
may be the answer
however it is not
especially the answer to all problems
because the one "problem"
it would could maybe should fix
would only be opening in a can of worms
leading to more negative feelings
resulting more than likely
in more people that you would expect
remorse guilt sadness and countless question
of why and how things could have been different

now oddly enough i found a way to again apply a lesson
from this now 8 going on 9 year old time of life

so leap with me here

if you love someone
set them free
(thank you sting)
i mean its like this
i am not saying to let them go
but its if you love someone
and you they do not necessarily reciprocate
the feelings
dont keep putting your hand in the flame
instead love the person for being there at all
because they could not exist ever in your life
or even worse
be taken from you without notice

i found myself
looking back
at the things
i once said
were part of who i am

i know when i wrote it
i must have attempted at
unbridled writing
with no filter
but at some point
started grasping for straws

some of the things i wrote down maybe came from the soul
without thought
just with inner truth
and some things came
as self destroying

but now if i were to be asked who i was
i would hope i would say
that i am alex brosseau
someone who seems to care "too much"
who is emotional
who has a vested interest in everyone
and is loyal beyond all means
also mixed up
but working down the road to happiness
which is my ultimate goal
to just be happy
with myself

i found myself last evening wish to write
but holding off
on the purpose of awkwardness
and i ne're felt so stifled
to avoid that feeling again
would be great

have you ever wondered how your life would be
if it were different
i mean if you were famous now rather than
possibly later
or if you weren't the way you look
not to say better nor worse
possibly if you were the same but you just took
different roads
in the end that were making you a different person
than who you are as you think these things

would you be happier?
healthier?

i am not pointing trying to point these things
i am not trying to do anything to hurt anyone
know that i am changed
from where i once was
i am not the same man
i have grow so much
made mistakes
learned lessons
so please
dont second guess yourself
you are good
you have great parts
and parts that need work
just like everyone
but remember
tread lightly
for not everyone sees your path
your journey
and cannot sympathize with you
or imagine or understand

have you ever had a piece of music stuck in your head
not a piece of music
but maybe a line
even without words
where it seems to perfectly express what you feel
and in stead of it just being stuck
it is actually reflective of whats going on
how you feel

ever find yourself
in a moment
where you know you want to cry
but trying is futile
and you dont think it is possible
where you search for a song
a movie
that will bring you to your knees
in a pool of your own tears

---------------------------------------

it seems that i have these moments
where i cannot believe
what anyone says
who i am
that i could be a good person
an attractive person
a person worth being friends with

these moments where i find myself talking
to those that mean the most to me
but still the most to me feels like nothing

having moments with these people sometimes

maybe results in this lull
or seperation
where all i can do is worry
worry about what i have done
if it was good or bad that is happened
and think ill of myself

these are the moments
i try to make less frequent
the moments i try to rid myself of
the moments i dont want to live
thats why i talk
thats what i keep going
thats why i want to stop

i guess in the end it was a good evening
and odd evening
full of moments of
not so much trepidation but surprise
i mean i found myself
so many times
with words coming out of my mouth
that surprised even myself
but it was great
it was a good conversation
it was a good evening
it was just surprising to me
i really dont know else how to put it
to talk the way we did
to interact the way we did
to understand each other the way we do

and even more surprised as the evening continues

so this is where i am at
i still feel
energy stifled
which in turn leaves me feeling emotionally constipated (thanks for the verbiage kevin)
so right now
i have been quiet
and really unable to express myself
which BLOWS
i read a fair amount today during day 1 of tour
which by the way
i hated
cause i hate choir


i still feel very alone
in just about every sense
and i felt a really nice embrace two times today

i say to myself
as well as others
this town is absolute parp for people like me
whether i believe it or not i think isnt debatable
but whether or not i have accepted is
is another story

why cant i find someone that even
fulfills a single criteria
that i hold

maybe its cause i despise most gay men
that are around this area...
i'd like to say i know that i deserve one
but i cannot say such things truthfully

and even when i ask opinions from other people
and get the answer i wish to hear
i dont accept it as truth
because for some reason i think they are lying?
or if they arent
they must be the only one to see it as such

and now it seems i cannot keep focus
or clearness of mind
so i will be done

so if you are reading this
and for some reason thinking that this would be great to send to someone
really
go fuck yourself
this is my space
i dont hand this link out
for a reason
this is theraputic for me
and when i get told my a councelor to write my opinions and thoughts here
its for MY medical benifit
so really
bite me

this is for me
not for you
this is me getting it out here
this isnt for you to get me in trouble

have you ever wanted to cry out
in agony and angst
to attempt to tell the world
how you feel
and you know that no words would escape you
only unpatterned and indistinguishable noise
but we hope
that someone
within range
will hear it
and listen
and make sense of our incoherency
who is that person for me
can i be that person for you

i wish that people would realize
the impact of touch

tonight i did lay with a man
for less than 10 clicks of a clock
and it was enough
to warm my heart
remove the anger from my heart
and focus on the life
that i was interacting with

this man was no one that i am in love with
it is a man that i love
like many people that i love


it is people like him
that make my life worth it
people that i can help
that can also help me

people that help to fulfill and two way street

it was a moment
that turned into one of those hopefully passing times
where you feel incredibly unwanted
like no one finds you worthy
where the thoughts creep into your head
and you know they shouldn't be there

at least you know well enough to say they aren't true
and feel that in your heart that you're right about it


i guess it is one of those times
that help you to find yourself

but not to measure yourself by

I Believe In You and Me
I Believe That we will be
In love eternally
Well as far as I can see
You Will Always be the one
For me (Oh yes, you will)

And I believe in dreams again
I believe that love will never end
And like the river finds the sea
I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe In you and me

I will never leave your side
I will never hurt your pride
When all the chips are down, baby
Then I will always be around
Just to be right where you are
My love, you know I love you, boy

I will never leave you out
I will always let you in, boy (mmm, oh baby)
To places no-one's ever been,
Deep inside, can't you see?
That I believe in you and me

Maybe I'm a fool
To feel the way I do
I will play the fool forever
Just to be with you forever

I believe in miracles
And love is the miracle
And yes, baby you're my dream come true
I was lost, now I'm free,
Oh, baby cuz i believe, i do believe, in you and me
See, I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe in you and me.

------------------------------

what a song
what a voice
and its all there because of love
and all of her second chances
are because of love
i am full of it
love that is
give me a second chance
for the last time
no more lives after this
i will do it this time
no promises
no word
just results

some people just do things right
and sometimes the people that
have this information disseminated to them
do it well
and sometimes they dont

everybody has a purpose
and a niche
and thats important
for identity
but who is to say
that things cant change
a testing of waters perhaps
a change of pace
anything is possible
am i right

cause we are supposedly capable of anything

sometimes all i want to come home to
is not my home
not my apartment
but another's
to slip into bed with the one i love
to be able to slip into their bed
and even sleeping know their embrace

what it is to lay with someone
it is merely exquisite
i have known it so few times
which only makes it's meaning greater

i long for companionship
for someone to make me better and i them
for someone to eat with and sit with
to wake with and tire with

to have someone to sing to me
and whisper to me sweet things
to have someone who writes me
and causes my nose to itch
and my stomach to excite

to have my problems be fixed
to smile and know that all will be mended
no questions asked
no consequences

but it seems that the latter is impossible
i am powerful beyond measure?
how do i tap into that

if a person is to devote hours upon hours to something
wouldnt you want it to be beneficial to you for the rest of your life?
i mean sure there are two major options
something that will make me money
and something that will give me a greater base for continuing education in that area
i mean to me, in the end if you are given a great base
that means that you normally can keep learning
and keeping going forward
in regards to technique
that normally means a lengthier career in it if you so choose it
so ya know what

why not go the extra mile and have choreography be technical
why not go the extra mile to teach your kids real vocal technique

we wonder why things are not how they used to be

maybe in part cause we dont teach them the things that made the past great

ok so really i never write on here for just the sake of venting
so here we go

i want to fire a lot of people
anyone that allows bad teachers to teach
anyone that is a bad teacher
anyone who is unfit for their job
anyone who is teaching and lazy
anyone who is a teacher and unwilling to keep learning
anyone who doesnt realize that everyone is SOOO CAPABLE of ANYTHING

i am really very sick of watching great people who want to teach turn into people who accept what the "great" teachers say. and by great teachers i mean teachers who have taught for years, teachers who win, teachers who are retired, teachers who are respected...

cause ya know what

1. it isnt about winning and NEVER should be
2. most teachers (90% at least) really dont know enough
3. by not knowing enough respect is given to undeserving people
4. experience doesnt always result in the best wisdom because some people dont have their eyes and ears open to everything that the world offers


there are sooo many teachers that i have seen, heard, watched, been taught by, heard about that shouldnt be where they are

teachers who teach not enough
teachers who play games
who play favorites
teachers who make students believe that they are god
teachers who teach incorrectly
teachers whose whole philosophy is wrong
teacehrs who are RUINING the future

so what is it
when did it happen
who is repsonsible for this?
when did someone let their standards fall? when did teachers start allowing bad things to happen or to continue?

i am sick of the jaw wabbles.... and by that i mean laryngal tension that extends into the jaw and stick and causes nodes

i am sick of doppler dinamics that dont teach musicality

i am sick of students being unable to read music

i am sick of showchoirs dancing and singing not at the same time

i am sick of students thinking its about winning

i am sick of the singing of 2pt music by 4A choirs

i am sick of the amount of money being spent on a choir on their appearance rather than using that money to bring in people to help them with their problems and make them better

i am sick of teachers telling students they are the wrong voice part and teaching them the wrong voice part

i am sick of teachers telling their students to do things pedagogically incorrect

i am sick of teachers who dont hold to their word

i am sick of teachers who cant do what they teach

why cant showchoir be about the singing while dancing except for the ballad where you just stand and sing. why do groups have costumes for each number and sets and lights and effect and props... is it to distract us from what they cant do well? why are ballads only 4

pts.... if you are just standing and singing why dont they sing harder music if there is more energy to put in it? and btw whats with arrangements sucking? maybe its cause we failed the arrangers in some way by not forcing them to be better by having higher standards? why do choreographers have soo many pitfalls? maybe them too on the standards... and to these directors who are making these decisions about costuming props arrangements and their choir members? they too have been failed...

maybe just maybe we should fire people from now on, who arent good. maybe we shouldnt give people certificates to teach

if you have to have nodes because of how you were taught
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

if you bust a lip because of how your trumpet teacher teaches
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

if you develop carpal tunnel syndrome because of how you hold your mallets
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

its the same thing as being hit by a teacher world


if you believe that your shit dont stink and its all about winning
your teachers has caused you mental harm


its the same thing as the residual effects of molestation by a teachers

thats gonna be thousands of dollars to therapy to fix it... hopefully

so ya know what
teachers keep on mental raping your students and beating them till they are blue

cause thats what you are doing

uh

i know i will be back with this...

so i dont think i could fathom
what in the hell i would do
if i witnessed my child
being stood up
what would you say?
how are you supposed to react?

i just cant imagine

maybe the concept of death
truly is just a natural part of love
maybe it is a simple as
the worlds gift to one
who has fulfilled all of ones prophecy
maybe its the release from duty
the reward
for doing what was required of you
and sometimes what was not

whether the part they played
was cast upon it
a positive light or none such
the role was necessary

so play the role
and follow you heart the best you can
for it can only lead us to where
we can go
a little faster

i find it hard to say
that what i feel is not wrong
the attraction between two bodies
but
my quizzical nature brings me to
the idea that maybe just maybe
that if such a relationship
is based in love
true love
that if the two are in the truest form
lovers
how could that be wrong
two persons who would give their all
for one another
in every way
every energy passion and fire
life limb and happiness for that person

the moments of love are gifts from the world
and maybe its time we start remembering that
whatever your definition of love
and wherever it is in the journey
it is real to those involved
and we are not to push ourselves
upon it
so
let us celebrate the gift of love
between those common and not so

as i seem to have said more and more recently
love in any form is better than hatred

the sky adorns the earth with magic
everything sparkles as if new
the air is crisp and fresh
nothing is touched
a single figure transverses the purity
not wishing to soil it
he moves not so silently through the early morning
his vision is hindered
but he does not care
he drives himself
through the world around him
which seems to simple
and pure
in his heart knowing nothing
but the idea of this world
and its wonder

the "adult" idea
of staying up late
to watch the new year rise
and the old one fall

where does it come from?
does it come from the idea that
adults do it
all of them
and wish to in addition?

i found myself of late
not anticipating the event

not caring of my plans
or if i had someone to kiss

i merely found myself
yearning for reflection
for the purpose of betterment
and quiet

not surrounded by others
comsuming beerages
assorted substances

i was merely fine
with where i was
with my thought

my only change
would to have been alone with them

a question worth asking

people often search for silence
and there is where they find their answers

so by my finding answers in music
what does that mean

maybe i should try it in silence as well
and see how that goes

so
to the moments
where one finds no inspiration
in anything
to the times without pen or paper
and so much to write
to the great songs in
unfamiliar territorry
the times where passion
does infact translate into action
when feelings are expressed and
go unreciprocated
to the spelling and gramatical errs
and the beauty and honesty they create
to every moment
in a life

because they were supposed to happen as such
and there is nothing we can do about changing them

so just learn from them

maybe things are as simple as they seem

time to stop over analyzing?

answer is unclear

struggling to write
not in the moment
but in life
i find myself

on a grey december morning
with echoes of songs once sung
and ideas of what lost is

i have surrounded myself
with piles and walls
serving what purpose?

its amazing that the body
can go from content to cold
with such little change

am i ready to do this
to do what is completely necessary?

is there anyway i can truthfully know
any of the answers to my questions

how can i be for sure

is there a way to make sure
is there a way to turn this insecurity
in my future
into security of action?

hindsight is always 20/20
and things never end perfectly
dont you wish you could ask questions
in any matter
with any person

would that help
or would that hurt

even if its 20 years later, what about 1 more minute with a person
to ask anything
to say anything
hello goodbye god loves you
just anything

would it be better take it
or to go without

these are questions worth asking

weaker moments
prideless moments
crying out to what seems no one
reaching out from someone

but whether to give into myself
and commit an act upon myself
that i later will abhor

to stick to my convictions
when i say that i will not drink
but then
to turn instead
to pills
to lull me into a haze and lucid area

-----------------------------------------------

why is it
when i am stressed i can think to write
the moments that show me having a "GREAT" day
they drive me to write
for it feels in those moments
that no person is there to comfort me

------------------

why cant i forgive andy
what is the key to this
should i continue to hope
and hold on to next to nothing
which is what is left
or maybe i should let go
and never think to apologize
or also to be apologized to
as well
do i really want the friend?

-------------------------

i dont have the energy it seems
to do much of anything
interactions with people are lacking
lacking waht i think and say
my butting in into situations
my writing of wrongs

they are lacking
even for myself

even alone

i have too little energy

how often do you run the line
that line when you know what you are doing
just might hurt you
knowing that it might sting
or burn
or maybe even bleed
but you choose to do it anyway
even though it will hurt
but you arent doing something to inflict the pain

now how often
do you choose not to get help
and do you ignore that
by not gettin help
you are in fact hurting yourself
but for some reason
you dont take those steps
to just help yourself
and maybe
just maybe
if you took those steps
they could be easier to take every time you woul ever have to think
about taking them?

i will be back. soon. i am just sorting things out.

[SHEILA]
Daddy always thought that he married beneath him.
That's what he said, that's what he said.
When he proposed he informed my mother
He was probably her very last chance.
And though she was twenty-two,
Though she was twenty-two,
Though she was twenty-two,
She married him.

Life with my dad wasn't ever a picnic
More like a "Come as you are."
When I was five I remember my mother
Dug earrings out of the car
I knew they weren't hers, But it wasn't
Something you'd want to discuss.
He wasn't warm.
Well, not to her.
Well, not to us

But
Everything was beautiful at the ballet.
Graceful men lift lovely girls in white.
Yes,
Everything was beautiful at ballet.
Hey!
I was happy... at the ballet.

That's why I started class...

Up a steep and very narrow stairway.

[SHEILA AND BEBE]
To the voice like a metronome.
Up a steep and very narrow stairway.

[SHEILA]
It wasn't paradise...

[BEBE]
It wasn't paradise...

[SHEILA AND BEBE]
It wasn't paradise...

[SHEILA]
But it was home.

[BEBE]
Mother always said I'd be very attractive
When I grew up, when I grew up.
"Diff'rent," she said, "With a special something
And a very, very personal flair."
And though I was eight or nine,
Though I was eight or nine,
Though I was eight or nine,
I hated her.
Now,

"Diff'rent" is nice, but it sure isn't pretty.
"Pretty" is what it's about.
I never met anyone who was "diff'rent"
Who couldn't figure that out.
So beautiful I'd never lived to see.
But it was clear,
If not to her,
Well, then... to me...
That ...

[MAGGIE AND BEBE]
Everyone is beautiful at the ballet.
Every prince has got to have his swan.
Yes,
Everyone is beautiful at the ballet.

[MAGGIE]
Hey!...

[BEBE]
I was pretty...

[SHEILA]
At the ballet

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
Up a steep and very narrow stairway
To the voice like a metronome.
Up a steep and very narrow stairway

[MAGGIE]
It wasn't paradise...

[BEBE]
It wasn't paradise...

[SHEILA]
It wasn't paradise...

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
But it was home.

[MAGGIE (Spoken)]
I don't know what they were for or against, really,
except each other.
I mean I was born to save their marriage
but when my father came to pick my mother up
at the hospital
he said, "Well, I thought this was going to help.
but I guess it's not..."
Anyway, I did have a fantastic fantasy life.
I used to dance around the living room
with my arms up like this
My fantasy was that I was an Indian Chief...
And he'd say to me,
"Maggie, do you wanna dance?"
And I'd say, "Daddy, I would love to dance!"

[SHEILA AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo-doo

[BEBE]
But it was clear...

[BEBE AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo

[SHEILA]
When he proposed...

[SHEILA AND BEBE]
Doo-doo-doo

[MAGGIE]
That I was born to help their marriage and when

[MAGGIE AND BEBE]
Doo-doo-doo-doo

[SHEILA]
That's what he said...

[SHEILA AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo

[BEBE]
That's what she said...

[BEBE AND SHEILA]
Doo-doo-doo

[MAGGIE]
I used to dance around the living room...

[BEBE AND SHEILA]
Doo-doo-doo-doo

[SHEILA]
He wasn't warm...

[SHEILA AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo

[BEBE]
Not to her...

[MAGGIE]
It was an Indian chief and he'd say:
"Maggie, do you wanna dance?"
And I'd say, "Daddy, I would love to..."

Everything was beautiful at the ballet,
Raise your arms and someone's always there.
Yes, everything was beautiful at the ballet,
At the ballet,
At the ballet!!!

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
Yes everything was beautiful at the ballet.

[MAGGIE]
HEY!...

[BEBE]
I was pretty...

[SHEILA]
I was happy...

[MAGGIE]
"I would love to..."

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
At...the...ballet.

i mean
i always say that i want to do something at least once
otherwise i cannot say here nor there
but in this case
a first time
plus mixing things i couldnt speak on
was not a good idea
but then again
i did learn something
and make a responsible decision
i guess
but always knowing
whether its right or not
is the hard part

that taught me so much
i showed me more than i imagined
ever possible
i was tired
sitting with new friends
in painstakingly
the best museum
because of its virtues
that its price was weightless
proving that
art is to be shared
and be to be viewed
by all
but most of all
i dont know
what means more
that i learned something
or that i was with you

into the woods
yes
into the woods
running from things
coming to terms
the woods is what you
wish for it to be

have you ever noticed
the purpose the woods serve
for fairy tales
or for that matter
the secrets forests truly hold

what are the woods to you

I find myself in a questioning

suprise!

i wonder truthfully
if to write beautifully
that i always must be troubles
cannot i not live purely
and write wondrous things
sing wondrous songs
anymore i find it hard to do anything well
when i am not living well
not every poet was depressed
not ever singer was lonely
i no longer believe that is how it must be
i can live well
and cleanly
and be all that i wish to be
write beautifully
sing wonderfully
live beyond words

maybe we are ready for death
perhaps
it is life that prepares us for a death
the lesson's taught ready us for their departure
could it be that the departure
is not only their time coming to a close
but the indication of the surrounding's
ability to continue without
without the one who has contributed before
also
it is a test to those left behind
asking them to grow
and teach themselves a lesson
remember it
time to change
time to love
cherish it

have you ever considered
that despite your growth
emotional range and intensity
that part of you may be jaded
unfeeling perhaps?
i question
that maybe
just maybe
i have removed myself from feeling loss with death
i cannot remember crying at a funeral
i mean 93 was a year to try to block from my mind
losing so many people
i was so young
i remember crying for leila
but i didnt cry for aunts
grandmothers
godfathers

am i truly that well adjusted to it
accepting and moving on
or am i repressing things?

it was quite possibly the hardest thing i have witnessed
to watch one's two cousins cry
asking in tears
why their mother did this to herself
why didnt she stop

to say that my life is hard
is a lie
i have never experienced anything that can compare
to the loss of the person who brought you physically
into this world
the woman who raised you
instilled in you things
that you will never forget

a challenge to myself
to replicate moments
feelings
conversations
must be considered unfathomable
as i am always a constant for change
let alone anyone else
always growing
pushing
learning
changing
never the same person
not second to second
thereby making re-creation
impossible
i cannot guarantee myself
let alone the others involved
hell
even the things that just occur around it

so here is to the future moments
to that maybe they will match or even surpass
the past's
knowing that i will grow
hoping that others will too
and hoping that things only get better
whether thats idealistic is not the point
but the concept is hope
and without hope
i have no reason to go on

i am very torn
i dont know whether to be angry
or sad
or refuse

should i make pointed statements
and pose pointed questions
or should i just be me
the person who will
forever hope
that you and i will reconcile this relationship
i would love push you borders
grow more with you
make you uncomfortable

please dont tell me that this is irreconcilable

the below is for you


--

Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Si me quisieras, todo te dara
Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Al mismo cielo, yo te llevara.

Dime tan solo una palabra
Que me devuelva la vida
Y se me quede en el alma
Porque sin ti no tengo nada
Envulveme con tus besos
refugiame en tu guarida

Y cuando te veo, no se lo siento
Y cuando te siento, me quemo por dentro
Y ms...y ms de ti yo me enamoro
Tu eres lo que quiero
Tu eres mi tesoro.

Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Si me quisieras, todo te dara
Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Al mismo cielo, yo te llevara.

Sin ti me siento tan perdido
Ensame la salida, llvame siempre contigo
Protgeme con tu cario
Encindeme con tu fuego
Y ya ms nada te pido...nada te pido.

Y cuando te veo, no se lo siento
Y cuando te siento, me quemo por dentro
Y ms...y ms de ti yo me enamoro
Tu eres lo que quiero
Tu eres mi tesoro.

Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Si me quisieras, todo te dara
Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Al mismo cielo, yo te llevara.

Ave Mara...
Dime si sers ma...
Dmelo ya...
Ave Mara...

its amazing that you have given me a little hope
with just a simple phone call
maybe just maybe
less is lost than i think

ok
so i have deduced
that it is better to have more Love
in the world
than not
not just more than negativity or hatred
but just more love
or what one believes to be love
is better than anything
actually to make it more general
and even more positive
it is better to have positive emotions
feelings
than anything
because if it is positive
it is not negative
simple i know
but moods radiate
and things are infectious
so to this i say
let the relationships grow
let them prosper always
let things be in good cheer
and great disposition
so that things may grow themselves
and prosper
always with eyes on the horizon
but living in the moment

so here is to positivity
let's raise our glass
and to idealism
which is quite different
from naivety

the knowledge
and epiphanies
that can be found
in the craziest of places
seem to the best most fun

its nice finding reinforcements

give me 100 dates
give me love
give me no meaningless sex
cause its worth waiting for

i remember part of myself
the part of me that is chivalrous
the part of me that is a classic gentlemen

love always is the best thing
it's nice finally finding
the love
i have for myself

for the 26th of july


so on this day
i hoped for inspiration to write
of the time i had grown
of the time i had spent
pushing myself
the envelope
the limits
something to look back on the past five years
to say that i had grown
to show that i had proof
but what i found
was myself in the shower
still awake
at five am
in prayer
near tears
realizing truths
coming to grips
with myself
my life
this world
to say that the past years
including the past five
having been a cake walk
would be a complete lie
paths covered in lies
deception
confusion
anger
depression
loneliness
but more than anything
knowledge
learning
growth
change
positivity

i will never exchange my life for anyone elses
i would never surrender what i have learned
for my experiences
for my soul
eyes
heart
mind
love

i am the greatest individual
i never expected to be
and i am only 20

i never thought i would live to see 30
thought i would die before then
of stress
in the ends of my own means
by the life choices i make/made
but now
30 is a positive
40 is seen
50 is imagined
bigger and brighter
and if i continue like this
i will love myself
more and more
everyday
so why die young
why die until have walked my destined path
why slow
why not defy all the odds and expectations
even those that are set by greater than ourselves
if we can remove ourselves from a preplanned path
i can continue on the path longer than expected
and have a more rich and colorful life than the same

so i say to the world
two anniversaries destined to be close
within hours of eachother
from this day
from that hour
i am reborn
in every way
better and more determined
i dare you to try to stop me
from getting farther than
anyone
ever expected

to quote rare earth
but more lovingly
the temptations

get ready
cause here i come

when we traveled
there were so many delusions
of what i thought could be
either tomorrow or down the road
but they were just lies
so it seems
false hopes perhaps
to think that things would have continued
down the path that was better set than current
i would have loved to believe it
and would have loved for you to believe it too

------------------------------------

say it as much as you want
and mean it the same
but i truthfully feel
that it doesnt matter to you
that i would go to the ends of the earth
spend all i have and give everything
for you
if you just asked me to

at times you wouldnt even need to ask


i may have been the only one
to come to you
even though our relationship
was not paved the best
but you show nothing
that resembles caring
that i did something no one else would
and i even now
would do it again
on a larger and grander scale

-------------------------

let mood swings run rampant
let sickness control
but let the words flow
and grant me more peace
find me greater solace
so that
every moment
i move forward
always better
always brighter

call me different
or special
or fucked up
but i am worth it
every pang
every thought

------------------------

if i were to meet someone like me
i wouldnt be physically attracted to them
and when it comes to personality
i dont think i would know what to think
if i would see them for the beauty they hold within them
of would i see the baggage instead that they carry

what does this say of me?
do i find myself unattractive
do i notice my own baggage over my beauty

will i ever come to the point
of moderate acceptance and enjoyment of who i am

as much as i say about myself
the beauty i hold
the baggage i carry
the growth i have undergone


what do i actually see
how do i actually feel

-------------------------------

why is it humans indulge in activities that leave them feeling empty

how deep is my love
how long will it last
when will it stop
is there an end?

nope

sometimes i really feel that i need to repeat myself
as if the people i told originally had forgotten
its not bad but its not good

parts of me
wish to be lots of things
like angry
and inspired
but things happen the way they do
not how i want


in then end i will be ok

the whole things is just ridiculous
lots of options
i just may not have the strength for
just right now

unclear mind

i'll put the ending here

when will it ever be fully pushed through
that it wont ever make anything better
it is not the answer
all it does is allow you to forget about things for a moment
and then it leaves you empty
and maybe a little more hollow

eh, only more to gain back

but why make more work for one's self

note: this is not meant to be glorifying of living a life of mediocrity

if life's purpose is to interact
to feel and interpret and learn
maybe to serve purpose is to just live
because unless hermitage is your call
you do interact
and thereby have weight in people's lives
but what if one were to live well
full of fervor and love of life
to live to the fullest extent
feeling and doing more
pushing one's self more
would that in turn raise the quality of life
for those around you
thereby making others better
by your betterment

not for sure

but its worth a try


--------

note: this is not an attack

as much as the vindictive and overly homosexual part of me wants to be something
i am refusing it that priveledge
however
i do remember
why i do/did dislike gays
and it's gonna take some time
for me to get back into the swing of things
so heres to time
and gettin back into it
cause putting myself back in is only
only
gonna make things move a little bit faster

its dumbfounding at times
the journey of life
to be pieces in a game of chess
maybe lived out by destiny
destined for death
ruled by avatars
and demi gods
but to say
that one does not shape
one's own path
is without experience
humans are given specific
traits and abilities
where we surprise even ourselves
to think of our true potential
complete brain use
total physical exhaustion
we are deafening
and surprising

to get to that point
where everyday
i can use all of my being
to its fullest
is where i will strive

------------------

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

- Nelson Mandela

sometimes it is just easier to write
when you are full on angst
but what to say
when you are confused
in tongue and in thought
or life

so what to say
to type
when you feel
that the only way
to put out energy
is through writing

how?
what?

when will i get more clarity

and if its too far how
how will i get to that point
and can i push myself there?

felt the need to write
but words didnt come easy

things are only being reinforced
i am whole without anyone
and attempting to be with someone
isnt gonna help anything
i am gettin better everyday
and i dare you when i get going
to try to keep up with me then
you wont be able to
if i set my mind to it
i will be better at what you do
that you are
and its not even my passion
thats my power
thats my heart
thats me

i am limitless