fievel goes west

sitting worlds apart
maybe looking at the same damned star

i do find comfort
that wherever you are
even tho its hours ahead
i don't feel hours behind

i just miss you
i am happy you are warm
and i hope you are comfortable
but i hope you miss me

i hope you realize the gravity of the situation
even if you don't let me know
and don't let me know the pull that i am not causing

one day
you will feel my love
and maybe
one day
i will feel your love

but i don't want either of us
to make us

to the artist
who seemingly does what she wants
but yet feels confined
she does not bash her head against the walls
thrashing to show her opposition
but instead
the modern day
giovanni de palestrina
finds the way
to break the rules
and seemingly stand inside the walls
that used to confine her

let your multiphasic lyrics fly
let the polyphony echo
and let the antiphonal chorus sound

a new musical saviour
to remind the top 40
of something more

its very odd
the things you find
when you awareness comes around
to prove that you left something
that maybe you now want

but what causes you to want it now

in this case
they are happy
happier than you
so it would appear

would you trade the success
that you have seen
for the companionship
that they sail
for the current time

lord only knows how long
the rainbow flag will fly
on that vessel

the length of time being all to short
and yet unbearably long
for those manning the rigging

so here's to the ladies who put themselves first
i hope your happy
you are at many times
my inspiration

ask who is crazy
and i will be first in line
to tell you
that i am crazy

i love my life
i love how odd it is
thanks for the passion
and for the voice
and sometimes
for the lack of words

why why
someone try and tell me why
they think their actions
are working for the common good
remove rights
define marriage

poetry past
marriage impossible
look at the world we live in today
it is amazing how hopeless i can feel
but yet
i was much more hopeless then
and didn't realize that possibility that the world held

stop talking about god
and talk about love
the one thing we all have in common

remove the rights of one and all rights are lost

love in need of love

when you do not write
it is as though
the calls stopped

but returning to writing
is as though you open the phone lines
to the world
and calls seem to trickle in at first
but soon
it is a flood
of anything
you can imagine
..........................................
how we all long
for the unexpected
friend
situation
kiss
encounter
time
sunset
place
on the water
who
two people
stand
as if on an island
alone
the sound of the waves
the smell of salt air
the graceful touch of their hand
the comfort of warmth
familiarity
words need not be spoken
the moment
is enough
it is enough
øøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøø
the weight of love
can be quite unbearable
and can also set you free
never did tink
think that the same thought
could both lift one to the sky
and bring another crashing down

it is one thing to be in love
and another to be loved
the merits of either
completely debatable

what is known
that when it comes to love
it isn't always right
or best
and
it is always better to put love in
and never fear that you will return nothing
love will come around
it will find a day
*********************************************
body
awareness
perceiving one's own self
could be harder than you think
you may think
that you know you
but the route to the prize
may be more treacherous than you expect

if you don't know yourself
how will you know anyone else
will you feel their weight
their need
their hand
do you want to miss the possibility
of more
of love

being with
someone
being with someone

the finesse
of the touch
and the movement of the world
are ever evolving
and if we do not know ourselves
we have no chance to know the world

give me somebody to sing for
give me somebody to show
let me wake up in the morning to find
i have somewhere exciting to go
give me the music
give me the chance to come through
all i ever needed
was the music and the piano
and the chance to sing for you

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

empty out my little head
as empty as my bright red bed
pour from me the stirring thoughts
and all the things i wish i'd forgot
give me to a bit of rest
so i may wake and find i'm blessed
remembering the love i've known
and seeing how i've grown

i will not ask for
the things i do not need
for in the moments
we plant a seed
germ and bud and leaf push out
searching for the sun above
to the sun in roundabout
with the rain it grows in love

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

look back at moments
and tell me
are you happy
do you want to change anything
cut or paste

would you trade it
for the world

tell me your first kiss
tell me how you became an adult
tell me who mattered most

we tend to grow forward
i hope
and i fear that we do not look back
in the moments we can

try not to regret a decision
being happy isn't a lie
its a state of mind
that you have control of
be thankful for what you have
cherish the littlest

thanks to Jean de la Ville de Mirmont for inspiration

the horizon
debatably fabulous
is always just that
the horizon
lining the world you see
day in
day out
out of reach
but acting
sometimes
as an agent of hope
and on occasion
a aide of hopelessness


years ago
i embarked
on a journey
one of countless many
this one
of education
and possible change
and hope
falter did i
and attempt
to persevere
and leave
to a world
that helped me to learn
and i returned to the journey
and i now doubt every day
how much i learned
how ready i was
and if i should be here
it is hard to say it is a waste of time
because i am gaining life
and knowledge
but at what cost

words for the day
stark

it is amazing how much we can change
and yet still feel alarmingly the same
feeling that we have
and are
growing older
but in some
sometimes many ways
are surprisingly young

too old to make sure
that you are up in time
on saturday
for cartoons
but not too old to watch them

i feel like i am watching those around me get older
while i seemingly stay the same age
but i feel the ever present march toward death

having the vision
that even though
things seem to be improving
that i am succeeding
in some way

that the remainder
are digging themselves deeper


the distance
does not equal out
i am sinking
below sea level
and the air is too thick to breath
and i may drown
under the weight
of own mind

you may never understand.

you are one of two friends

you are my only gay

i love you

despite

and for

all of these things


stop

hear me

i love you

it's that simple

i love you

i find myself quite perturbed
sometimes
when i realize
that i may not have traveled as far
as i once thought
i may have changed
and grown
but my armor
per se
is still permeable

i am still bothered by things
mind you these things now
may have been at one time
misunderstood
if understood at all
but now i seem them with much
higher clarity
or greater understanding
to know whether or not
what i know
is true is yet to be seen
and may not be known for some time

but what i do know is this
i prefer to be communicative
fear confrontation
i would say i do
but in the end
facing my problems head on
has greater impact
than avoiding them
or bottling them

i would much rather be proactive in my life
than let things deluge fall on me
and eventually bury me with the waves
that are sure to form

so here's to the people that rather than lunch
skip the meal to do what must be done
to get the work in and done
and done well

to those that look at school
not as a social environment but as a place
of work

i wish to you join you in that
i can eat later
and i can socialize later

i have often found
that being hungry makes the meal that much more satisfying
and that the friends i attempt to make
aren't always the ones i should be hanging around with

so i'll go hungry
and see who wants to join me for a late bite
because
they not only may be living a life like mine
but they will want to spend their time
with me

just because they are social lords
does not make them a lady
withholding of social approval
for whatever reason
give out but don't reply
accept but make no effort

i have never heard of such things before
only this sect
this division seems to make these actions

why do you think that is

i taste pennies

no its not normal
i want honesty
with communication

saying nothing isn't actually communication
explaining why you wont be speaking further
is communication

so i do what i want
not necessarily what i must
to get my answers
deception
seems to be a very american thing
use it to your advantage

i get answers
not necessarily the ones i want
but answers none the less
that add
some sense of finality
are welcomed
at some level

regardless how much like copper
they taste

let's review

i live a life
that is not always easy
as many lives are

i wish that i would have made different choices
i wish that i may have been made different

in my heart of hearts
i find myself
in my thoughts
and actions
always believing in a higher power
i find truth in Jesus and his father

i am quite aware that at this stage
that may very well be
not the easiest road

for my actions call out to me
that they are not pleasing

at night
like tonight
i am kept awake
by nagging suspicion
by negative self talk
and i cry out

god grant me the peace and serenity
so that i may sleep
so that i may rest
so that i may rise again

i feel once more
that i stand alone

that by being gay
and feeling that he is capable of all things
including having made me this way
i too can be an instrument of his work
but i still feel alone

i do not always feel his hand
his warmth
his love

but yet i continue to turn to him
i continue to hear a voice
telling me that there is someone

i don't know what to say anymore
i don't know how to continue

i feel afraid of the possibilities of my past life choices
i may have damaged things so much
that in my current view
i do not see many choices
chances
left for me

and for that i am sad
but i must remember that i
with love
with grace
with kindness
with devotion
with resilience
with perseverance
i can do what needs to be done

for whether or not i may believe always
that there is a god
and he gave us his son

i do believe
that if all of these things were true
or not
these stories
these men
these ideas
were written down
for a reason
and found a way into my life
for a reason
and that canot be ignore

so i ask
the expanse
let me improve every day
let me grow every day

let me grow in the definition of love
for love
as
in my idea
the common uniter of all religion
is all that matters

so if the lord is love
and his son was of love
let me live of that same beautiful basic

love
thats all i ever seem to want
and sadly
feel that i rarely felt

all you need is love
all i need is love

and maybe it is better
to love without reciprocation
than to have never loved at all
maybe that devotion
is a testament
to the spirit that dwells within you
and the backing that love has
that it will not cease
it cannot be stopped


and if this is true
i again
hear the calling of the lord
telling me
he did not make a mistake
not when making me
not with my sexuality
not with my choices
because he will use all of me
and it was his design that built me
and it is he who will not desert me
for in the end
i may be a testament to him

and if you come to think
that maybe
he is a selfish and praise needing lord
i beg this question
if he did create us
and all that is on this earth
would he
if he were a real man
not be a man of accolades and worth praise
for creating so many things
but lets stop for one minute
and think
on one creation
the human spirit
is hard to break
it bends
it can be lit aflame
and can drive a person
to do unimaginable
seemingly impossible things
that creation
something intangible
inside of every one of us
may be
the greatest creation of all

i am thankful for

second chances
heart
loyalty
love
friendship
music
passion
Schubert
German
French
Italian
the ability to sing
good fashion
my life of opportunity

this all feels trite
but every year
we are asked
to round the table
with
what we are thankful for

so what am i thankful for

i am thankful
that i have been brought up the way i have been
to think critically
to ask questions
and to never accept anything as best

this has always had me leaning into the wind
pushing myself forward
wanting more of myself and others around me
and at times
hating quite a bit of life

i have flown from end to end of extremes i can in my life
and i am thankful for that
that the experience i have is deep and wide

i am happy for the great things I have been able to do
i have an opportune life
that not everyone has
and i am thankful that I was dealt the hand i have been dealt

i also am quite happy for the mistakes i have made
and will make
mistakes and flaws remind me that things are real
imperfections make something perfect
at least in my own eyes

so here are to the fuck ups i will commit
and here is to me getting back up
as soon as i can

here is to the people who stand by me
through all of my bull shit
not always directed at them
but sometimes
the overflow ebbs in their direction

so here is to the man who seems to have
lived in my life for what feels like forever
i said my peace
but i don't want to be done
i doubt i ever will
i love you
and miss you

i hope we can pick up where we left off
like always

its an interesting feeling
attempting to unload
release back into
the wild

your
friends

losing them for whatever reason
not enjoyable

realizing that
some things
are merely superficial
a different
kettle of fish

all in all
it never ceases to amaze me
that friends
are always on my mind
and in my heart


this all felt quite trite but
with the best of intentions

i can do all i want
to attempt to not remember
not to forget
but to pass forward
beyond where you reside
in my memory

but day or days
hours or moments later
you return
as if
knocking on the door
ringing the bell
patiently waiting
smiling
through the shades

hello again
welcome home

you are a welcomed guest
whether i will be happy in the end
is debatable

here's what i want to say
what i know may need
to sing
to make you understand

i want my friends back
my life
my family
my fire
my passion
determination
honesty
love

i can't seemingly go backward
i cannot recreate the past
nor even similar conditions

doesn't mean i don't want to try
but that doesn't mean i will

god help me

another Linda Ronstadt feature. and James Ingram.

holds true. to this thought of mine. regardless the cheese.

let me be challenged
yell all you want
i am hyper critical
and that guides me rather well

i try to take control of the little things
my diet
my body
my soul
my heart

but my mind won't ever fall in line
neither will my heart
or my soul
or my body

now my diet...
there is an interesting idea
vegetarian

i just want my friends back
i want to have things be simple
i want to be in love
and be loved
i want to feel free
i want to fly
i want to be done with this state
and with this frame of mind

i want and want
i dream and dream
and i attempt to do and try

breathe motherfucker
breathe

let go

rain fall
breeze blow

sleep when it gets to hard
and get back up and try again

how do you have free time
how do you have free energy

how are you supposed to hang out with your friends
when their schedules are just as bad as your own

how do you relax
when your brain just won't slow the fuck down

how do you relearn
something you thought you already knew

how do you stay sane
when you feel like everything around you
can only add up
to you becoming crazy

these three
hang in my mind
eternally

i wonder why i am so possessive
not necessarily by action
but by emotion and feeling
surely

i don't want you to be friends with anyone
that could take you away from me
because i want to be with you

i fear that one
i know
would again remove you from me
or by my own choice
i would remove myself from
the two

i dont wish to be without you
and i desire not anyone to have you
but myself

but again reality is nagging
the possibility may yet not have arisen
the stars not aligned
however
even more possible
is that it may never be
and this may be one sided
forever

i love you
have loved you
and will continue to love you
for i see no end to what i feel
for
about
you

the reality of height in pairing

i wrote down the phrase

the reality of height in pairing

and i looked back at what i wrote
and am but only confused
ideas come and go
but not a one feels right

i wonder to myself
if it was
my reality
that petty height
can
and for some reason
does play quite a role in regards to
those i find attractive

does that idea make me vain
that i require a certain height
or desire
for lack of better terms

now sits
that maybe
in pairing
a subconscious ruling
holds us to its will
making sure that a natural balance occurs
like light to dark
tension to release

whatever did i intend
when i wrote
that phrase

its amazing what technology has done
even from the very beginning
the advent of the pencil to cross the quill
and there in turn comes the pen

the creation of the manual typewriter
to the electric
to the computer

we now can bury information in a picture
the way a newscaster sometimes
tried to bury the lead

but ever since the beginning of time
and written communication
there has been unused
space

space between letters
words
lines
the margins
and the letters themselves
made of negative space

space for meaning

within the margins there are a those words that wish to spill
forth from whatever means you have to write
to explain the idiosyncrasies of what you truly mean
to help the reader to explain
yourself

to read between the lines
to find the true meaning

to feel the love inside of the p b d and q

it is only too unfortunate
that to fill a medium completely
may mean nothing

that is why color can sometimes speak beyond words
or why a picture can speak droves

so here is the space between
the gravity and pull that holds it all together

goodbye
seems to be one of those words
that pervades language
from tongue to tongue

everyone has a word for it
and no one really likes saying it
not at least
with its true intent
good
bye

modern lyricists and songwriters
seem to reach a point
in their careers
where a goodbye song
is inevitable

as goodbye is
in and of itself
inevitable
in life

some of the most amazing songs
surround that word
that idea

even now
as i write this
i find a new song
i have never heard

that touches the very heart of me

that word
i never want to say
especially to you

but the days will come
where part of me wishes to speak those words

don't let those days fool you
because as far as i am concerned
my brain can think all it wants
my heart will speak
even when its hard
and it continues to tell me
that it loves you
and won't ever stop

these really are all the words i can muster.

i came home
to a place i deplore
and adore
for all the wrong
and all the right reasons

i was ready to get back to work
but had some things to clean up
i bowed my head
and took my lashes
but still had nothing to work on

by the time i received
what i was supposed
to work on
i was so distracted
i never got anything done
and i do mean
anything

i fucked things up with my best friend
and was shown
that a few people i know
were more than just merely petty

school starts
and i am raring to go
two days well played
day three

things crumbled

i can only hope
and attempt to make
day four and onward
be the best they can be

but this shit scares me
i don't want things to fall
further
apart

i want to be better
i wish to by my best

so i can get out of this place
this place
where the fences hold me in
and the sky seems to hold me down

i wish i was free to decide
trusted by those i give my trust to

i wish things weren't so complicated
like me

i wish i didn't feel the need to
go back to
counseling

but i feel alone
without a single ally

the cheese stands proverbially alone
and the farmer
who in some way
is associated with this dell
seems to give two shits
whether or not a rat picks me up and carries me away

blah
this is shit

i have returned to the flood plains
for lack of better monicker

and i have begun to wonder
if it is in fact
that the discourse
and unrest i feel
is due to
myself
or my experiences
mind you very well
that both are at times
one in the same

i merely wonder if these feelings are
good
or bad
possibly if they can be even deemed
as such

but what of how i feel
where is it coming from
and why
time and timing
reality versus
idealism

where does this stem from
and if possible
do i cut it down

the ancient world says
that we were born
with two heads
and four legs
in this form we were happy

the gods in their
wisdom
threw down lightening bolts
that split everyone in two

and by this action
we were forever to wander
the earth
in search of our other half

our soul mates

i used to think that soul mates
were true
and that there is only one match for one
puzzle piece

i grew to believe
that there were many pieces
that fit together
some better than others

now i wonder
whether or not either is true

i find myself
now
even during a time
that i would not describe as great
finding myself happy
and contented
in my own action
following my own heart

however
maybe half is complete
if soul mates do exist
so my emptiness
was two thirds
of one half

instead of one half of the whole
never to feel complete
until the other half is found

summer is ending
so well
i make a decision
that fucks up
maybe necessarily my relationship with
the one man i care more about
than anyone

and i was supposed to go to wedding
note supposed
i knew i wasn't welcome
but i was someone's date
and was pushed out
surprise surprise
jess was right

congrats to the petty
meddling is so highly looked upon

how was i supposed to react to this news
that was yet to be made official

vomit
it is amazing that i allow certain things to be
on my radar
when i clearly should not

thinking of you, even in movies that launched the career of a woman who would go on to act in early seasons of "Saved by the Bell." And later inspired a remake that would launch the career of a cokehead.

this endlessly reminds me of the morning we left london.

give me every cliche
or adage
that would apply to this situation
these moments
the thoughts in my head
heart and soul

because if i knew how to quit you
i would want to
whether or not i would
is a separate matter

if i could have you erased
a la eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
i would want to
whether or not i would
is all together divided

love is forever a torn
ideal
to allow someone that far in
without losing yourself

there are bound to be problems
and we can only hope there will be good

so here is to what i have said i am
a conflicting ball of emotions and ideas

i am a neutron cloud
a flying mass of ideas that are bound to collide
and when they do
i will have to come to the reality
of what i am
conflicted

in love
with you
still

watching the fagmalion episodes of will and grace breaks my heart. i wonder why? anyone wanna clue my sarcastic ass in?

i don't want to be in a one night stand with you
or even just a bender
i want to be with you forever

just give me a chance
not only you
but the universe
grant me the one thing i have circled for years

i am sick of the self preservation
wishing i was through with all of the things i do
in the end
to myself

i have said
that it is better to stand nearby you
than be apart from you
even when i have to watch things that hurt me
but i think the time has come
that maybe
standing so near
is causing me pain
in and of itself

on some level many of the things i have said in the past were true
and one stands to this day
still
maybe it isn't right

but maybe you don't deserve me
i may not always believe
those that compliment me
but i am not hideous
i am worthy of time and energy
give me a chance
pick me up off the floor where you seem to discard me
we get closer
and it hurts more
because i gain more knowledge and access
to the things you hid from me
for whatever reason

i love you
i have for the better part of a decade
when will this endgame begin
or end

i have realized two things during this birthday week... two week period.

1. for some people unconditional love that seems to be endless, may not be sexy

2. that maybe the reason things sometimes don't happen is not only cause they weren't supposed to, but that the conditions have yet to exist that would provide the event's possibility. and maybe inaction, second guessing and "ponderances" are also a part of this. that maybe even in the moments when it seems that these event horizons may possibly be approaching, it is better to succumb to the reality of the moment, rather than force the proverbial square block in the proverbial triangular hole -- if you so wish to use the children's toys metaphor.

i will continue to love. sexy or not. and one day, maybe, the conditions for my desired event, will align. and then and only then, may i know the true possibility of my desire.

i welcome all come-ers
with one hand open, palm up
and one hand cocked and in ready fist
i was here before you
i will be here after you
in the end your shit will be gone
while i still stand here
with him

will you?

I hear music
Mighty fine music
The murmur of a morning breeze up there
The rattle of the milkman on the stair
Sure that's music
Mighty fine music
The singing of a sparrow in the sky
The perking of the coffee right near by
That's my favorite melody
You my angel, phoning me
I hear music
Mighty fine music
And anytime I think my world is wrong
I get me out of bed and sing this song

=======================================

it doesn't matter who has come into my life
or who has gone
you were always there
if only in my mind

you haunt me
i remember you
anything important

it doesn't seem to matter
if anyone else matters
cause in the end there you are
you come into my mind

i love you
and cannot seem to ever let you go
and when i think that you have let me go
i realize that I have yet to let you

i love you
remember
i was there before
and i want to be there
let me give everything to you
everything for you

i love you

ok
so super thoughtful tonight
things that are on the agenda

-guys
specifically guys who are slutty and guys who are sexually confusing
-girls
all with special thought given to manipulating and controlling girls
-all the new people in my life
-what i am gonna do in the fall
-what i am gonna do this summer
-money
-why my friendships are the way they are
-why i am not in a relationship
-why i really help everyone
why i am really nice to everyone
-my self image
and to that extent self esteem
-how i feel about all these new people in my life

i feel completely blocked
stuck
and frustrated

and this does not feel new
its boring and old

i would like to know what i need to do to make it stop

if i could get my mind
to get with my gut
i know that i could finally allow some
interesting conversations
about what they each want to do
and why
but the thing is
if i do
or say
everything i think
my heart may be
in very much trouble

i at times vomit up
words
horrible words
either in poor order
or selection
maybe even
hurtful

i want to reach out and touch
touch a little longer perhaps
but i dont
cause i listen to one

cause they dont listen to eachother.

i wonder why the world dealt me that hand
and the one before it
that is tied to the one tonight
why did she say what she said before
and why when i talked to you about it
did you respond in that fashion
i guess
your fashion
as it were

and then you show up
and i bend
and melt
and flow
for you
and all the walls i attempt to build
come crashing down
as if just mere sticks
not adobe
or bricks
or even rebar and concrete

and my company
looks at me
almost with pitty
for the way i let you in
and the way you open the door for me

but i seem to say to myself
better to be
with and in some semblance of pain
than to be without

am i convincing myself
or others?

i still think i love you
or maybe its
i think i still love you
or even
i still love you
i think

i found a part of myself tonight
i dont know how to feel about it
besides kinda happy
i guess
its the bitchy part of me
that really either
takes time off
or is beyond subdued
so
it came out full force tonight
the sarcasm came skipping along too

it was
is
nice to know that its still there
it makes me feel more accomplished
that i am actually moving past it
and not that it just stopped existing


btw
dont write shit on walls like that
it makes me want to puke
joke or serious
i dont care

i might always be the other one

ok,

===
1
you are one of a very few people
who actually
approach me tonight
you nearly bowl me over with your hug
it made me entirely too happy
but i really dont mind
i love your touch
but what i love more
you being my friend
i want to talk to you
i hope we do that soon
===
2
alright
you now officially take john's place in my heart
thats really it
i hope you remember everything from tonight
cause i sure as hell am
i hope we hang out
and i hope we can continue this trend
===
3
how i have missed you
without thinking about it
you are one of my favorites
always have been
glad i could spend this time with you
another person i should be talking to
at the very least
on a regular basis
make that happen flute boy?
===================================

so here's to an evening that actually went well
i feel at little bit bad about being a
social butterfly whore
but oh well
for once
i feel good
i saw friends
i drank
and lordy
i felt like i was myself
bitch or not

loves

whether looking across a crowded room
or a table
i look at you
in a way
that i do no feel with anyone else
our relationship has "changed"
but still remains quite the same
and i still look at you that way
and with one more look at you
i dont know how i will feel
i almost hope that things dont change
at least when it comes to what i see
when you smile
laugh
are angry
in thought
when it comes to those moments i see
your absolute beauty
and you in turn
make me feel absolutely
beyond words

from time to time
i wonder about the secret lives
of those that surround me
not so much even whole lives
but the lies and secrets that
present facades to me
i hypothesize and theorize
whilst i should be going to sleep
and in turn keeping me from the thing
i intend to do

i wonder about what they do after they leave
if their future actions will match the plans they said
did they go home

did they go astray
====================
====================

convoluted words
mixed in with a dash of action
throw personalities
chock full of perspectives of their own
he said she said
and in turn
they both thought this of them
even without the weighted verbs
tied down with pronouns
the future is unknown
and unsure
nothing positive
nothing necessarily negative
just a big ball
of conflict
sometimes silent
at times out loud
maybe even dramatic
heaven forbid
queens

dont say it
dont speak
another word
of oral intercourse
actions
show your hand

it all leads back to you sir
it all leads back to you
even when i meet someone new
and they occupy my time
you either interrupt my thought stream
or are the lovely next sentence
to follow the end of theirs

i kinda wonder from time to time
why the people that come into my life
do
i mean
not only why do people come in
and go out of my life
but why
do the types of people
that come and go
come and go
why is it
constantly the type of people
i feel like more and more the
guys i am attracted to
are the ones i "shouldn't be"
attracted to
full of impossibility
possibly lackluster in quality
or some glaring issue maybe
and why do i fall for their entrance
into my life
why does it sweep me off my feet
not that the person is
but more like their entrance is
the opening of a door to a stormy
iowa march evening
clear crisp and full of wind
and i am just a piece of paper in the wind
blown for what feels like miles
when all in all
if you were to write them down
i would indicate they were nothing
to remark about

and why
why do i still think about you
whenever anyone else enters my mind
any possible person that could "replace" you
i think of them
and then of you
and i am not sure if it is my conscious self
pushing you back in
or whether its my unconscious
my soul
my heart
pushing you back to where it believes
you belong
at the forefront of my being
my thoughts
my heart

i wish i had someone to talk to about whats going on
other than my counselor

stretched out
stretched out over the map
what appears to be a man
but a boy in ways
and another
who is slightly older but still younger
giving awkward silence for awkward silence
savoring nothing
=============
=============
when i sat there with you and him
i not only thought of myself but
i thought of us and you both
and none of it felt right today
this is shit
=============
=============
i wish i could be the asshole who lives inside of me
and say the things i keep inside
be outlandish and brash
even more so than now
i wish i could have the you you've shown me
be the you you always are
not to expect you not to change
but merely to be that open
i should expect your behaviour by now
but even six
almost seven years
i have learned not
================
================
i am a conflicting ball of emotions and concepts
once more
and why not throw myself into the fire
for the burning flesh
in feeling and odor is what reminds me that
i'm alive
surprisingly
my absence from you makes me think
that things are not as they were
maybe that distance has improved
my functional ability
without being inundated by you
in my mind
but the moment i hear your voice
read your words
see your face
i melt
i fall to pieces once more
so my months of sub conscious rebuilding
is for nothing it seems
but i find myself
questioning
questioning whether or not the cross is too much
if the load may be breaking my back
rather than just scarring me
i have felt this way before
and face the unknown again
sneaking suspicions arise saying that i will stay
for "he's not heavy"
but i must question the sanity of my decision
if to keep you on
because my year is about my improvement
of self
and maybe you being my "junk"
should find its place on the pile
rather than in the suitcases i dont wish to haul
behind me
forever

its very comparable
to having a cut be made
then having it heal
when just
suprise
you are cut again

i didnt see you for 6 months
but as soon as i saw you
the "wound" was reopened

and i miss you
all over again
as if it was the first time
we had to part

1. i do not the looks i believe i was given by one person i was not waiting on. you can stop. i know him too.

2. i do not enjoy the look one asst choir director gave me this evening. lady, listen, time off of school is necessary, not for everyone, but for me, yes.

3. i do not enjoy feeling like i am no one's first choice. and i also do not believe that i am no one's first choice cause they are all choosing themselves first (as they should) but am just merely not their first choice. also i am aware that it is the holidays and that people are busy. but this time of year merely drives the point that shows itself all year, all the way home.

4. i do not enjoy hanging out with people from high school cause it reminds me that so much of what i dont like about myself, is still inside of me.

5. i do not enjoy feeling like i am looked over or taken advantage of (in any sense) in my relationships. especially ones i do not care to lose.

6. i know that there are still feelings there. but things have definately changed. but maybe if we saw eachother more often and both put time and effort into our relationship, things would be/could be different.

7. i desperately need chris westra back in my day to day life.

8. steph hyatt is clear and away my best friend.

9. i love the people that are able to pick up where we left off and not talk about our past for more than 3 minutes.

10. hey crapids, why do you grow people so weird? and why do i have to want to die to talk to someone i really give a shit about.

11. sometimes, even if it doesnt involve me, gay comments and references and jokes, really get to me, and i do take it personally. for no reason. but for some reason i must. i am not asking for everyone to walk on eggshells. it just needs to be said.

12. i really do believe in what i am doing. i really wish that the people who werent on board with it and me, would just back off.

12. i wish my brother and sister and i were all closer.

13. i cannot wait for every doctors appointment i go to, cause it makes me feel better about life when i know i am going cause i want to be better and feel better.

14. i really am trying not to be a planner anymore. more of a liver, as dumb as that sounds. i really just want to be happy. theres my plan, get happy.

15. i am full of love. and i know that i don't always show that. but i do ask that if you possibly see anything in me, to take the time to get to know me. especially if i am taking the time to get to know you. and part of me thinks that sounds awful, but i am not willing to not say it.

16. i feel crazy when i write blogs, and that the people who read them will think that i am crazy and over-emotional.

17. i'm done for now.

this blog is dedicated to quite possibly, the best lyrics and sentiment put to work in any form or genre... in maybe the last 10 years.

to Brenda Russell, Allee Willis and Stephen Bray.

=
=

"Our Prayer"

I WANNA KNOW HOW THE WORLD GOES.
HOW FAR IS THE MOON?
HOW THE SKY CHANGES COLOR?
HOPE I FIND OUT SOON.

What you want?

I WANNA SIT AND DO NOTHING.
MAKE YOU A NEW DRESS.
HOPE MY BABIES ARE HAPPY,
SOMEPLACE GOD WILL BLESS.

Celie! Get to work!

AIN'T NO NEED TO DISCUSS.

IT AIN'T WORTH A BIG FUSS.

WHATEVER COME TO US
IS IN GOD'S HANDS.
WHEN I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP,
I WILL SAY MY PRAYER
THAT GOD LOVE ME SO DEEP,
HE WILL PROMISE OUR SOULS TO KEEP
TOGETHER.
I'LL SAY A PRAYER.

Who that man talkin' to Pa?

He lookin' for a new wife take care of his mean chirren.

I WANT TO MARRY NETTIE.
SHE A SWEET YOUNG GIRL.

She too young.

SHE'S THE CUTEST THING
IN THIS WHOLE WORLD.

She gonna be a teacher.

PICTURE ME IN A SCHOOLHOUSE
WITH MY COLLEGE DEGREE.
I COULD TEACH ALL MY CHILDREN
TO SPELL TENNESSEE.

You can have Celie, though. She too old to be livin' at home.

MAYBE I'LL HAVE A GARDEN
WHERE BIRDS COME TO SING.
KNOW A FINCH FROM A SPARROW,
FIX A BROKEN WING.

I don't want Celie. She ugly.

I WANNA HEAR YOUR BIRDS SING.

WANNA HEAR YOUR SCHOOL BELL RING.

NO MATTER WHAT LIFE BRING,
US IN GOD'S HANDS.

Whyn't you quit comin' 'round here and just go marry your Shug Avery?

SHUG AVERY

Who Shug Avery?

SHUG AVERY!

She Mister ol' girlfriend.

Shug Avery not a child-raisin' woman, you know that. She the Queen Honeybee.

She a low-down ho, is what everybody say.
You lookin' for a new Shug Avery, you better go to Memphis. All we got here is one
pretty gal you can't never have, and one ugly gal

. . . that work like a man. I-I-I-I
I-I-I-I REALLY WANT THAT GIRL.

I told you no!

WHEN I I WANNA
LAY ME DOWN TO MARRY
SLEEP, NETTIE.
I WILL SHE A
SAY MY PRAYER SWEET YOUNG GIRL.
THAT GOD LOVE
ME SHE THE
SO DEEP, SWEETEST THING
HE WILL IN THIS
PROMISE WHOLE
OUR SOULS WIDE WORLD.
TO KEEP TOGETHER. I-I-I-I
I'LL SAY A PRAYER I REALLY WANT THAT GIRL.

You want any kids?

Someday, I guess.
WE'LL LIVE IN BIG HOUSES.

PUT SWINGS IN THE TREES.

BRAID UP YOUR GRAY HAIR

IN THE COOL OF THE BREEZE.
AND ONE DAY
OUR CHILDREN WILL SING -
WHEN I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP,
I WILL SAY MY PRAYER
THAT GOD LOVE ME SO DEEP,
HE WILL PROMISE OUR SOULS TO KEEP
TOGETHER.
I'LL SAY A PRAYER.
I'LL SAY OUR PRAYER.


"Too Beautiful for Words"

You not ugly. You the grace of God if us ever see it.
You don't believe me.
Miss Celie . . . Miss Celie, look here. Look at yourself.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE KIND OF GAL
THAT HAD A LOT TO SAY.
I SAYS THE THINGS THAT'S ON MY MIND,
TOO DUMB TO SHY AWAY.
BUT YOU HUSH MY MOUTH AND STILL ME
WITH A SONG I'VE NEVER HEARD.
I GUESS THAT MEANS THAT YOU ARE JUST
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.
I'VE SEEN THIS LIFE FROM HIGH AND LOW
AND ALL THAT'S IN BETWEEN.
I DANCED WITH DUKES, CROONED WITH COUNTS,
BEEN COURTED LIKE A QUEEN.
BUT WHEN I SEE WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART,
ALL THE REST IS BLURRED.
THE GRACE YOU BRING INTO THIS WORLD'S
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.
YOU HIDE YOUR HEAD UNDER YOUR WING
JUST LIKE A LITTLE BIRD.
OH, DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL,
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS?
CELIE, YOU'RE TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.


"What About Love"

Harpo make a lot of money if you stay here and sing.

Yeah, but now you got me feelin' so much better, I got to get back on the road, make
some money, you know.

When you have to go?

In the morning. But I'll be back, too, in a month or so.
You'll see. Nobody ever love me like you.

Damn, girl.

IS THAT ME WHO'S FLOATING AWAY?
LIFTED UP TO THE CLOUDS BY A KISS,
NEVER FELT NOTHIN' LIKE THIS.

IS THAT ME I DON'T RECOGNIZE?
LOVE'S THE ONE THING I KNEW ALL ABOUT,
I HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT.

BUT WHAT ABOUT TRUST?

WHAT ABOUT TRUST?

WHAT ABOUT TENDERNESS?

TENDERNESS?

WHAT ABOUT TEARS WHEN I'M HAPPY?
WHAT ABOUT WINGS WHEN I FALL?
I WANT YOU TO BE
A STORY FOR ME
THAT I CAN BELIEVE IN FOREVER.

AND WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

LOVE?

WILL YOU BE MY LIGHT IN THE STORM?
WILL I SEE A NEW WORLD IN YOUR EYES?
WITH YOU MY WHOLE SPIRIT RISE.

AND WHAT ABOUT HOPE?

WHAT ABOUT HOPE?

WHAT ABOUT JOY?

WHAT ABOUT JOY?

WHAT ABOUT TEARS WHEN I'M HAPPY?
WHAT ABOUT WINGS WHEN I FALL?
I WANT YOU TO BE
A STORY FOR ME
THAT I CAN BELIEVE IN FOREVER.

AND WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

LOVE?

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT LOVE? . . .
SHUG CELIE
YOU AND ME YOU AND ME
YOU AND ME YOU AND ME, OH,
SENT TO ME
WHAT ABOUT
WHAT ABOUT
WHAT ABOUT
LOVE?
LOVE . . . ?


"The Color Purple"


God forgot about me!

God takin' his time getting around to you, I admit, but look at all he give us.
Laughin', and singin', and sex. Sky over our heads, birds singin' to us. I think it piss
God off if anybody even walk past the color purple in a field and not notice it. He
say, "look what I made for you."

God just another man, far as I'm concerned, he triflin' and lowdown . . .

No, Celie. God not some gloomy old man like the pictures you've seen of him.
God not a man at all.
GOD IS INSIDE YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE
THAT WAS OR EVER WILL BE.
WE COME INTO THIS WORLD WITH GOD.
BUT ONLY THEM WHO LOOK INSIDE FIND IT.
GOD IS THE FLOWERS AND EVERYTHING ELSE
THAT WAS OR EVER WILL BE.
AND WHEN YOU FEEL THE TRUTH SO REAL,
AND WHEN YOU LOVE THE WAY YOU FEEL, YOU'VE FOUND IT
JUST AS SURE AS MOONLIGHT BLESS THE NIGHT.
LIKE A BLADE OF CORN,
LIKE A HONEYBEE,
LIKE A WATERFALL,
ALL A PART OF ME.
LIKE THE COLOR PURPLE,
WHERE DO IT COME FROM?
OPEN UP YOUR EYES,
LOOK WHAT GOD HAS DONE.

You better be gettin' back. Your husband probably wonderin' where you are.

Where do you want to be, Celie?

With you.

All right then.

God gon' take me to live with you?

Come on.


"I'm Here"

I DON'T NEED YOU TO LOVE ME,
I DON'T NEED YOU TO LOVE.
I GOT . . .
I GOT . . .
I GOT MY SISTER.
I CAN FEEL HER NOW,
SHE MAY NOT BE HERE, BUT SHE STILL MINE.
I KNOW SHE STILL LOVE ME.
GOT MY CHILDREN.
I CAN'T HOLD THEM NOW,
THEY MAY NOT BE HERE, BUT THEY STILL MINE.
I HOPE THEY KNOW I STILL LOVE THEM.
GOT MY HOUSE.
IT STILL KEEP THE COLD OUT.
GOT MY CHAIR
WHEN MY BODY CAN'T HOLD OUT.
GOT MY HANDS
DOIN' GOOD LIKE THEY S'POSE TO,
SHOWIN' MY HEART
TO THE FOLKS THAT I'M CLOSE TO.
GOT MY EYES.
THOUGH THEY DON'T SEE AS FAR NOW,
THEY SEE MORE 'BOUT HOW THINGS
REALLY ARE NOW . . .
I'M GONNA TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
GONNA HOLD MY HEAD UP.
GONNA PUT MY SHOULDERS BACK,
AND LOOK YOU STRAIGHT IN THE EYE.
I'M GONNA FLIRT WITH SOMEBODY
WHEN THEY WALK BY.
I'M GONNA SING OUT . . .
SING OUT.
I BELIEVE I HAVE INSIDE OF ME
EVERYTHING THAT I NEED TO LIVE A BOUNTIFUL LIFE.
WITH ALL THE LOVE ALIVE IN ME
I'LL STAND AS TALL AS THE TALLEST TREE.
AND I'M
THANKFUL FOR EVERYDAY THAT I'M GIVEN,
BOTH THE EASY AND HARD ONES I'M LIVIN'.
BUT MOST OF ALL
I'M THANKFUL FOR
LOVING WHO I REALLY AM.
I'M BEAUTIFUL.
YES, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
AND I'M HERE.

i could sit and wonder everything about it and us
i would gladly cry and make a fool of myself
if it would help move us any further forward
but not necessarily if it would move us any faster
i want to write on your wall and make it obvious
and show up in your day to day life and make a scene
but i know that would accomplish nothing of what i wish
so i look to you now and and ask please
please very much help me to understand
what really has changed
beyond my location
but with you
i have been told by someone moderately crazy
that you have changed
not that i don't believe her
it's just that i think hesitation is worth it with her
but the likelihood that you have changed
i hope is high
but not in regards to leaving us where we once lay
i too have changed and grown
but without being there with you
you have no idea where i have gone, nor i you
i would love to talk with you
and sit with you
and wax on about any little thing how boring
but i feel as thought that is impossible now
and i know that i am essentially rambling on
but the amazing thing in this case
is that i feel like i have yet to hit my mark
my phase
where to the reader
if there is one
all would become clear
to where everyone would be unlikely not to understand
i just really love him
in the way that i do
which i know has quite a bit of merit for delving
and i understand that i am loud and brash
but i am a person of substance and worth investment
and after the initial moments
which by the way we have past that quite a long time ago
i tend to open up and show you
the person worth it all
and for me
you were worth it all
all my energy
all my time
not cause i wanted you or needed you
in any sexual way
in any way perverse
i needed you in my life
cause i had never experienced anything like you
any higher "thread count" in a person
a person of such quality that not only would
you on paper be worth volumes of research
but you would inspire songs and dances and poems that would be cronicled
oddly enough
also into volumes for the world to look over
i may scare you in some way
i may have caused you to take a load
because i could see
being my friend more than likely
isn't easy
but
if you did succumb to that
i am let down
i am sad
i am partly destroyed
but i doubt that
i want to know why you were too busy for me
when i have never shown you
to my knowledge
that i was too busy for you
what cause us to be where we are
and i hope you want to know as much as i do
but i feel like you dont wish to find out
maybe you are afraid
but i want to walk there with you
and find out
together
so at least, if even for a moment you and i will both remember
what we had before
as whatever we were
friends
brothers
work out partners
acquaintances
but even if that was supposed to be the last moment
i would have felt it one last time
and really
i still think
in my heart
that isn't too much to ask

i think i know some of the stupidest people.

i think i know someone i love dearly who for some reason cannot tell me the truth.

and i have so much to learn. and i love it all dearly, because i will love to see how it all works out.

to all of my relationships I have maintained over differences in proximity;

Alex and Steph
Alex and Mandy
Alex and Ana
Alex and Kevin


and countless others...

thank you for showing that distance is no burden.

and with a rush of feelings
an old friend returns

i feel alone
or destined perhaps
to be
i mean i look around
and i see those who continue living their lives
without me
and it makes me question
did i really have an impact
i mean sure they feel something
but can they really continue on
completely ok

now trust me
there is a part of myself
that knows that i sound crazy
and knows that this question
is a bit off kilter
i mean to ask if someone can truely live without you
do you really want them to not be able to
would you be ok with that
would you be able to exist inside the relationship
with that
knowing that

i dont think i could

but all the same

i wonder how much they think of me
how much they miss me
and if they all cried
like she did
when they knew i was gone
i wonder how they will all react
if i really didnt come back
at all

i am slightly surprised
in the moments
where i displace myself
just in the mind
from where i truely

driving down a road i am no longer in iowa
instead i am in new england
the lights go out as it storms outside
and now i am in WWII London

my mind
even when unaltered by substance
is quite amazing
seeing the things it wants to see
almost separate from myself

almost to let me dream
as well as to wake me up

i will also wait for you
till the day where you will come to me
finally accepting me
for what i am
the best option
i believe
for you
the one that has always loved you
and known
even before you knew
i didnt see you for a year
and the feelings dripped away
falling piece by soggy piece
until all the piece of this puzzle
were scattered and indistinguishable
and in one night
the puzzle
reconstructed
as if it had never been anything but whole
and in that moment
you threw my world back into chaos
more than it already had been
never will i be surprised by the gays
and the way they will stir my life up
bringing the brine to a boil

i will continue to wait
for you
and your word
finally saying that you
will accept my help
the help that has been waiting for you
all these years
the whole time

running way out loud
dancing through a day dream
trying to figure out
what the hell my life should be
i feel so stuck
--

i am just wondering where to go
and what to do
with all of this new information
and revived information

to act my age
to stay in school
in iowa
in ames
to move away


and to be done with all the drama in my life
gay or straight

i sometimes wonder
why i am the one putting in the effort
who has put in the effort for ages
and now i am still the one trying to make it work
i am not saying there is a sense of entitlement i hold on to
however i do wonder
but then again i am not in the same position
so i cannot say if i would do the same

however
it does make me wonder

i watch a --
from what i feel and see
-- clearly confused relationship
where both sides are incredibly young
and new to the world they live in

their actions
are not as they say they are
there is confusion
and frustration

i do wonder
how long it will last
how many times they will have to trespass
against one another

vapid meaningless sex
idle conversation
non-analytical thought processes
and slow if any forward movement in their life

hard to watch
but i will stand by
and wait
until i am needed
by their standards
or mine

there is part of me that wonders
and questions
everything about me
constantly
but there is part of me
who longs to not be that person
incidentally it is the same part as the questioning

i feel forty as a turn 21
i long to be my age
as well as act it

i wish to have what i need to do
and what i want to do to fall in line
together
so that all would be in agreement
maybe then there would be less conflict
and the execution of my wants and needs
would feel more possible

hey!
do you ever think that maybe just maybe
your relationship should exist
not based on sex
but based on an actual relationship
of emotions and commonalities and differences

no, of course not

you should continue to have your relationship exist as is
never questioning anything
acting like everything as it stands is perfect
that because your relationship is easy
and nothing is questioned

i have opinions that are reserved for my mind's ear only
and they arent the nicest
but know that neither your "other half" nor you
are safe from them
no one is above or below the other
but from my look on things
something's gotta change

have you ever done something you werent proud of?
that you immediately regretted following
but it was somehow an act you knew you could commit again

i mean i have hooked up before
with at least two handfuls of people
and i dont think there is one i dont really regret in some way
but those people
no offense to them
were worth it
never was there a grain of truth in my delusions i had about they and i

i mean i would never commit those actions with someone i could see future with
or had invested true emotions in
i guess it must mean something when i want to commit regretable actions
but in the end
choose that it is better to have the relationship remain the same and grow from that point

this trip to sweden with the family only further proves
medication is in fact my friend
and that i am still very unhealthy and unstable

i
however
am a growing and changing person
who is still worth the effort
and time
and even though i have negative thoughts
they are no longer self defeating in the sense that
i would end my own life
they are limited to natural and pseudo natural causes
ending my life
no worries tho
it wont happen
or maybe it will
but it will not be known to me

lets also put this here

i really love some people
and i hope they read this

last i knew

one of them still did

thanks kevin

and thanks everyone else who may be reading this

the people who are meant to see who you really are
be it loveliness or true grit and scars
they see it only if they were meant to
the people who do not understand you in the way you wish
were never meant to at all

one of my favorite things
is realizing how stupid things are
when you look back
how unimportant moments were
the minuscule impact they have now
or even looking at the behavior
of a group or an age
and knowing what you know now
about their actions
when you commit them

the only part about it
that i dont like
are when you realize that
you have been doing this
a long time
and you in turn
haven't had many
of those moments yourself

odd enough i guess
to somehow want moments
that later in life you wouldnt mind having been without

i guess i never thought about it
ya know
having a different voice
not this one
not to say that it would be trained differently
or had different experiences
but to have just been born with
a different voice
or even odder
to
have had the voice i have now
and to have lost it
and had it replaced
by something that is not my voice
but still have it have had
the same experiences and training somehow
odd
i guess i should thank my lucky stars for the one i got
and forsake the moments i hate it
because the moments that it is glorious
far outnumber the times it is not

only fitting i guess
that a friend of mine
would be thinking
even though just merely entertaining
fictitiously
the ideas i once harboured as a twelve year old
so the idea is that
life at times does not seem worth living
and that the ending of ones life
may be the answer
however it is not
especially the answer to all problems
because the one "problem"
it would could maybe should fix
would only be opening in a can of worms
leading to more negative feelings
resulting more than likely
in more people that you would expect
remorse guilt sadness and countless question
of why and how things could have been different

now oddly enough i found a way to again apply a lesson
from this now 8 going on 9 year old time of life

so leap with me here

if you love someone
set them free
(thank you sting)
i mean its like this
i am not saying to let them go
but its if you love someone
and you they do not necessarily reciprocate
the feelings
dont keep putting your hand in the flame
instead love the person for being there at all
because they could not exist ever in your life
or even worse
be taken from you without notice

i found myself
looking back
at the things
i once said
were part of who i am

i know when i wrote it
i must have attempted at
unbridled writing
with no filter
but at some point
started grasping for straws

some of the things i wrote down maybe came from the soul
without thought
just with inner truth
and some things came
as self destroying

but now if i were to be asked who i was
i would hope i would say
that i am alex brosseau
someone who seems to care "too much"
who is emotional
who has a vested interest in everyone
and is loyal beyond all means
also mixed up
but working down the road to happiness
which is my ultimate goal
to just be happy
with myself

i found myself last evening wish to write
but holding off
on the purpose of awkwardness
and i ne're felt so stifled
to avoid that feeling again
would be great

have you ever wondered how your life would be
if it were different
i mean if you were famous now rather than
possibly later
or if you weren't the way you look
not to say better nor worse
possibly if you were the same but you just took
different roads
in the end that were making you a different person
than who you are as you think these things

would you be happier?
healthier?

i am not pointing trying to point these things
i am not trying to do anything to hurt anyone
know that i am changed
from where i once was
i am not the same man
i have grow so much
made mistakes
learned lessons
so please
dont second guess yourself
you are good
you have great parts
and parts that need work
just like everyone
but remember
tread lightly
for not everyone sees your path
your journey
and cannot sympathize with you
or imagine or understand

have you ever had a piece of music stuck in your head
not a piece of music
but maybe a line
even without words
where it seems to perfectly express what you feel
and in stead of it just being stuck
it is actually reflective of whats going on
how you feel

ever find yourself
in a moment
where you know you want to cry
but trying is futile
and you dont think it is possible
where you search for a song
a movie
that will bring you to your knees
in a pool of your own tears

---------------------------------------

it seems that i have these moments
where i cannot believe
what anyone says
who i am
that i could be a good person
an attractive person
a person worth being friends with

these moments where i find myself talking
to those that mean the most to me
but still the most to me feels like nothing

having moments with these people sometimes

maybe results in this lull
or seperation
where all i can do is worry
worry about what i have done
if it was good or bad that is happened
and think ill of myself

these are the moments
i try to make less frequent
the moments i try to rid myself of
the moments i dont want to live
thats why i talk
thats what i keep going
thats why i want to stop

i guess in the end it was a good evening
and odd evening
full of moments of
not so much trepidation but surprise
i mean i found myself
so many times
with words coming out of my mouth
that surprised even myself
but it was great
it was a good conversation
it was a good evening
it was just surprising to me
i really dont know else how to put it
to talk the way we did
to interact the way we did
to understand each other the way we do

and even more surprised as the evening continues

so this is where i am at
i still feel
energy stifled
which in turn leaves me feeling emotionally constipated (thanks for the verbiage kevin)
so right now
i have been quiet
and really unable to express myself
which BLOWS
i read a fair amount today during day 1 of tour
which by the way
i hated
cause i hate choir


i still feel very alone
in just about every sense
and i felt a really nice embrace two times today

i say to myself
as well as others
this town is absolute parp for people like me
whether i believe it or not i think isnt debatable
but whether or not i have accepted is
is another story

why cant i find someone that even
fulfills a single criteria
that i hold

maybe its cause i despise most gay men
that are around this area...
i'd like to say i know that i deserve one
but i cannot say such things truthfully

and even when i ask opinions from other people
and get the answer i wish to hear
i dont accept it as truth
because for some reason i think they are lying?
or if they arent
they must be the only one to see it as such

and now it seems i cannot keep focus
or clearness of mind
so i will be done

so if you are reading this
and for some reason thinking that this would be great to send to someone
really
go fuck yourself
this is my space
i dont hand this link out
for a reason
this is theraputic for me
and when i get told my a councelor to write my opinions and thoughts here
its for MY medical benifit
so really
bite me

this is for me
not for you
this is me getting it out here
this isnt for you to get me in trouble

have you ever wanted to cry out
in agony and angst
to attempt to tell the world
how you feel
and you know that no words would escape you
only unpatterned and indistinguishable noise
but we hope
that someone
within range
will hear it
and listen
and make sense of our incoherency
who is that person for me
can i be that person for you

i wish that people would realize
the impact of touch

tonight i did lay with a man
for less than 10 clicks of a clock
and it was enough
to warm my heart
remove the anger from my heart
and focus on the life
that i was interacting with

this man was no one that i am in love with
it is a man that i love
like many people that i love


it is people like him
that make my life worth it
people that i can help
that can also help me

people that help to fulfill and two way street

it was a moment
that turned into one of those hopefully passing times
where you feel incredibly unwanted
like no one finds you worthy
where the thoughts creep into your head
and you know they shouldn't be there

at least you know well enough to say they aren't true
and feel that in your heart that you're right about it


i guess it is one of those times
that help you to find yourself

but not to measure yourself by

I Believe In You and Me
I Believe That we will be
In love eternally
Well as far as I can see
You Will Always be the one
For me (Oh yes, you will)

And I believe in dreams again
I believe that love will never end
And like the river finds the sea
I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe In you and me

I will never leave your side
I will never hurt your pride
When all the chips are down, baby
Then I will always be around
Just to be right where you are
My love, you know I love you, boy

I will never leave you out
I will always let you in, boy (mmm, oh baby)
To places no-one's ever been,
Deep inside, can't you see?
That I believe in you and me

Maybe I'm a fool
To feel the way I do
I will play the fool forever
Just to be with you forever

I believe in miracles
And love is the miracle
And yes, baby you're my dream come true
I was lost, now I'm free,
Oh, baby cuz i believe, i do believe, in you and me
See, I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe in you and me.

------------------------------

what a song
what a voice
and its all there because of love
and all of her second chances
are because of love
i am full of it
love that is
give me a second chance
for the last time
no more lives after this
i will do it this time
no promises
no word
just results

some people just do things right
and sometimes the people that
have this information disseminated to them
do it well
and sometimes they dont

everybody has a purpose
and a niche
and thats important
for identity
but who is to say
that things cant change
a testing of waters perhaps
a change of pace
anything is possible
am i right

cause we are supposedly capable of anything

sometimes all i want to come home to
is not my home
not my apartment
but another's
to slip into bed with the one i love
to be able to slip into their bed
and even sleeping know their embrace

what it is to lay with someone
it is merely exquisite
i have known it so few times
which only makes it's meaning greater

i long for companionship
for someone to make me better and i them
for someone to eat with and sit with
to wake with and tire with

to have someone to sing to me
and whisper to me sweet things
to have someone who writes me
and causes my nose to itch
and my stomach to excite

to have my problems be fixed
to smile and know that all will be mended
no questions asked
no consequences

but it seems that the latter is impossible
i am powerful beyond measure?
how do i tap into that

if a person is to devote hours upon hours to something
wouldnt you want it to be beneficial to you for the rest of your life?
i mean sure there are two major options
something that will make me money
and something that will give me a greater base for continuing education in that area
i mean to me, in the end if you are given a great base
that means that you normally can keep learning
and keeping going forward
in regards to technique
that normally means a lengthier career in it if you so choose it
so ya know what

why not go the extra mile and have choreography be technical
why not go the extra mile to teach your kids real vocal technique

we wonder why things are not how they used to be

maybe in part cause we dont teach them the things that made the past great

ok so really i never write on here for just the sake of venting
so here we go

i want to fire a lot of people
anyone that allows bad teachers to teach
anyone that is a bad teacher
anyone who is unfit for their job
anyone who is teaching and lazy
anyone who is a teacher and unwilling to keep learning
anyone who doesnt realize that everyone is SOOO CAPABLE of ANYTHING

i am really very sick of watching great people who want to teach turn into people who accept what the "great" teachers say. and by great teachers i mean teachers who have taught for years, teachers who win, teachers who are retired, teachers who are respected...

cause ya know what

1. it isnt about winning and NEVER should be
2. most teachers (90% at least) really dont know enough
3. by not knowing enough respect is given to undeserving people
4. experience doesnt always result in the best wisdom because some people dont have their eyes and ears open to everything that the world offers


there are sooo many teachers that i have seen, heard, watched, been taught by, heard about that shouldnt be where they are

teachers who teach not enough
teachers who play games
who play favorites
teachers who make students believe that they are god
teachers who teach incorrectly
teachers whose whole philosophy is wrong
teacehrs who are RUINING the future

so what is it
when did it happen
who is repsonsible for this?
when did someone let their standards fall? when did teachers start allowing bad things to happen or to continue?

i am sick of the jaw wabbles.... and by that i mean laryngal tension that extends into the jaw and stick and causes nodes

i am sick of doppler dinamics that dont teach musicality

i am sick of students being unable to read music

i am sick of showchoirs dancing and singing not at the same time

i am sick of students thinking its about winning

i am sick of the singing of 2pt music by 4A choirs

i am sick of the amount of money being spent on a choir on their appearance rather than using that money to bring in people to help them with their problems and make them better

i am sick of teachers telling students they are the wrong voice part and teaching them the wrong voice part

i am sick of teachers telling their students to do things pedagogically incorrect

i am sick of teachers who dont hold to their word

i am sick of teachers who cant do what they teach

why cant showchoir be about the singing while dancing except for the ballad where you just stand and sing. why do groups have costumes for each number and sets and lights and effect and props... is it to distract us from what they cant do well? why are ballads only 4

pts.... if you are just standing and singing why dont they sing harder music if there is more energy to put in it? and btw whats with arrangements sucking? maybe its cause we failed the arrangers in some way by not forcing them to be better by having higher standards? why do choreographers have soo many pitfalls? maybe them too on the standards... and to these directors who are making these decisions about costuming props arrangements and their choir members? they too have been failed...

maybe just maybe we should fire people from now on, who arent good. maybe we shouldnt give people certificates to teach

if you have to have nodes because of how you were taught
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

if you bust a lip because of how your trumpet teacher teaches
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

if you develop carpal tunnel syndrome because of how you hold your mallets
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

its the same thing as being hit by a teacher world


if you believe that your shit dont stink and its all about winning
your teachers has caused you mental harm


its the same thing as the residual effects of molestation by a teachers

thats gonna be thousands of dollars to therapy to fix it... hopefully

so ya know what
teachers keep on mental raping your students and beating them till they are blue

cause thats what you are doing

uh

i know i will be back with this...

so i dont think i could fathom
what in the hell i would do
if i witnessed my child
being stood up
what would you say?
how are you supposed to react?

i just cant imagine

maybe the concept of death
truly is just a natural part of love
maybe it is a simple as
the worlds gift to one
who has fulfilled all of ones prophecy
maybe its the release from duty
the reward
for doing what was required of you
and sometimes what was not

whether the part they played
was cast upon it
a positive light or none such
the role was necessary

so play the role
and follow you heart the best you can
for it can only lead us to where
we can go
a little faster

i find it hard to say
that what i feel is not wrong
the attraction between two bodies
but
my quizzical nature brings me to
the idea that maybe just maybe
that if such a relationship
is based in love
true love
that if the two are in the truest form
lovers
how could that be wrong
two persons who would give their all
for one another
in every way
every energy passion and fire
life limb and happiness for that person

the moments of love are gifts from the world
and maybe its time we start remembering that
whatever your definition of love
and wherever it is in the journey
it is real to those involved
and we are not to push ourselves
upon it
so
let us celebrate the gift of love
between those common and not so

as i seem to have said more and more recently
love in any form is better than hatred

the sky adorns the earth with magic
everything sparkles as if new
the air is crisp and fresh
nothing is touched
a single figure transverses the purity
not wishing to soil it
he moves not so silently through the early morning
his vision is hindered
but he does not care
he drives himself
through the world around him
which seems to simple
and pure
in his heart knowing nothing
but the idea of this world
and its wonder

the "adult" idea
of staying up late
to watch the new year rise
and the old one fall

where does it come from?
does it come from the idea that
adults do it
all of them
and wish to in addition?

i found myself of late
not anticipating the event

not caring of my plans
or if i had someone to kiss

i merely found myself
yearning for reflection
for the purpose of betterment
and quiet

not surrounded by others
comsuming beerages
assorted substances

i was merely fine
with where i was
with my thought

my only change
would to have been alone with them

a question worth asking

people often search for silence
and there is where they find their answers

so by my finding answers in music
what does that mean

maybe i should try it in silence as well
and see how that goes

so
to the moments
where one finds no inspiration
in anything
to the times without pen or paper
and so much to write
to the great songs in
unfamiliar territorry
the times where passion
does infact translate into action
when feelings are expressed and
go unreciprocated
to the spelling and gramatical errs
and the beauty and honesty they create
to every moment
in a life

because they were supposed to happen as such
and there is nothing we can do about changing them

so just learn from them

maybe things are as simple as they seem

time to stop over analyzing?

answer is unclear

struggling to write
not in the moment
but in life
i find myself

on a grey december morning
with echoes of songs once sung
and ideas of what lost is

i have surrounded myself
with piles and walls
serving what purpose?

its amazing that the body
can go from content to cold
with such little change

am i ready to do this
to do what is completely necessary?

is there anyway i can truthfully know
any of the answers to my questions

how can i be for sure

is there a way to make sure
is there a way to turn this insecurity
in my future
into security of action?

hindsight is always 20/20
and things never end perfectly
dont you wish you could ask questions
in any matter
with any person

would that help
or would that hurt

even if its 20 years later, what about 1 more minute with a person
to ask anything
to say anything
hello goodbye god loves you
just anything

would it be better take it
or to go without

these are questions worth asking

weaker moments
prideless moments
crying out to what seems no one
reaching out from someone

but whether to give into myself
and commit an act upon myself
that i later will abhor

to stick to my convictions
when i say that i will not drink
but then
to turn instead
to pills
to lull me into a haze and lucid area

-----------------------------------------------

why is it
when i am stressed i can think to write
the moments that show me having a "GREAT" day
they drive me to write
for it feels in those moments
that no person is there to comfort me

------------------

why cant i forgive andy
what is the key to this
should i continue to hope
and hold on to next to nothing
which is what is left
or maybe i should let go
and never think to apologize
or also to be apologized to
as well
do i really want the friend?

-------------------------

i dont have the energy it seems
to do much of anything
interactions with people are lacking
lacking waht i think and say
my butting in into situations
my writing of wrongs

they are lacking
even for myself

even alone

i have too little energy

how often do you run the line
that line when you know what you are doing
just might hurt you
knowing that it might sting
or burn
or maybe even bleed
but you choose to do it anyway
even though it will hurt
but you arent doing something to inflict the pain

now how often
do you choose not to get help
and do you ignore that
by not gettin help
you are in fact hurting yourself
but for some reason
you dont take those steps
to just help yourself
and maybe
just maybe
if you took those steps
they could be easier to take every time you woul ever have to think
about taking them?