i will continue to wait
for you
and your word
finally saying that you
will accept my help
the help that has been waiting for you
all these years
the whole time

running way out loud
dancing through a day dream
trying to figure out
what the hell my life should be
i feel so stuck
--

i am just wondering where to go
and what to do
with all of this new information
and revived information

to act my age
to stay in school
in iowa
in ames
to move away


and to be done with all the drama in my life
gay or straight

i sometimes wonder
why i am the one putting in the effort
who has put in the effort for ages
and now i am still the one trying to make it work
i am not saying there is a sense of entitlement i hold on to
however i do wonder
but then again i am not in the same position
so i cannot say if i would do the same

however
it does make me wonder

i watch a --
from what i feel and see
-- clearly confused relationship
where both sides are incredibly young
and new to the world they live in

their actions
are not as they say they are
there is confusion
and frustration

i do wonder
how long it will last
how many times they will have to trespass
against one another

vapid meaningless sex
idle conversation
non-analytical thought processes
and slow if any forward movement in their life

hard to watch
but i will stand by
and wait
until i am needed
by their standards
or mine

there is part of me that wonders
and questions
everything about me
constantly
but there is part of me
who longs to not be that person
incidentally it is the same part as the questioning

i feel forty as a turn 21
i long to be my age
as well as act it

i wish to have what i need to do
and what i want to do to fall in line
together
so that all would be in agreement
maybe then there would be less conflict
and the execution of my wants and needs
would feel more possible

hey!
do you ever think that maybe just maybe
your relationship should exist
not based on sex
but based on an actual relationship
of emotions and commonalities and differences

no, of course not

you should continue to have your relationship exist as is
never questioning anything
acting like everything as it stands is perfect
that because your relationship is easy
and nothing is questioned

i have opinions that are reserved for my mind's ear only
and they arent the nicest
but know that neither your "other half" nor you
are safe from them
no one is above or below the other
but from my look on things
something's gotta change

have you ever done something you werent proud of?
that you immediately regretted following
but it was somehow an act you knew you could commit again

i mean i have hooked up before
with at least two handfuls of people
and i dont think there is one i dont really regret in some way
but those people
no offense to them
were worth it
never was there a grain of truth in my delusions i had about they and i

i mean i would never commit those actions with someone i could see future with
or had invested true emotions in
i guess it must mean something when i want to commit regretable actions
but in the end
choose that it is better to have the relationship remain the same and grow from that point

this trip to sweden with the family only further proves
medication is in fact my friend
and that i am still very unhealthy and unstable

i
however
am a growing and changing person
who is still worth the effort
and time
and even though i have negative thoughts
they are no longer self defeating in the sense that
i would end my own life
they are limited to natural and pseudo natural causes
ending my life
no worries tho
it wont happen
or maybe it will
but it will not be known to me

lets also put this here

i really love some people
and i hope they read this

last i knew

one of them still did

thanks kevin

and thanks everyone else who may be reading this

the people who are meant to see who you really are
be it loveliness or true grit and scars
they see it only if they were meant to
the people who do not understand you in the way you wish
were never meant to at all

one of my favorite things
is realizing how stupid things are
when you look back
how unimportant moments were
the minuscule impact they have now
or even looking at the behavior
of a group or an age
and knowing what you know now
about their actions
when you commit them

the only part about it
that i dont like
are when you realize that
you have been doing this
a long time
and you in turn
haven't had many
of those moments yourself

odd enough i guess
to somehow want moments
that later in life you wouldnt mind having been without

i guess i never thought about it
ya know
having a different voice
not this one
not to say that it would be trained differently
or had different experiences
but to have just been born with
a different voice
or even odder
to
have had the voice i have now
and to have lost it
and had it replaced
by something that is not my voice
but still have it have had
the same experiences and training somehow
odd
i guess i should thank my lucky stars for the one i got
and forsake the moments i hate it
because the moments that it is glorious
far outnumber the times it is not

only fitting i guess
that a friend of mine
would be thinking
even though just merely entertaining
fictitiously
the ideas i once harboured as a twelve year old
so the idea is that
life at times does not seem worth living
and that the ending of ones life
may be the answer
however it is not
especially the answer to all problems
because the one "problem"
it would could maybe should fix
would only be opening in a can of worms
leading to more negative feelings
resulting more than likely
in more people that you would expect
remorse guilt sadness and countless question
of why and how things could have been different

now oddly enough i found a way to again apply a lesson
from this now 8 going on 9 year old time of life

so leap with me here

if you love someone
set them free
(thank you sting)
i mean its like this
i am not saying to let them go
but its if you love someone
and you they do not necessarily reciprocate
the feelings
dont keep putting your hand in the flame
instead love the person for being there at all
because they could not exist ever in your life
or even worse
be taken from you without notice

i found myself
looking back
at the things
i once said
were part of who i am

i know when i wrote it
i must have attempted at
unbridled writing
with no filter
but at some point
started grasping for straws

some of the things i wrote down maybe came from the soul
without thought
just with inner truth
and some things came
as self destroying

but now if i were to be asked who i was
i would hope i would say
that i am alex brosseau
someone who seems to care "too much"
who is emotional
who has a vested interest in everyone
and is loyal beyond all means
also mixed up
but working down the road to happiness
which is my ultimate goal
to just be happy
with myself

i found myself last evening wish to write
but holding off
on the purpose of awkwardness
and i ne're felt so stifled
to avoid that feeling again
would be great

have you ever wondered how your life would be
if it were different
i mean if you were famous now rather than
possibly later
or if you weren't the way you look
not to say better nor worse
possibly if you were the same but you just took
different roads
in the end that were making you a different person
than who you are as you think these things

would you be happier?
healthier?

i am not pointing trying to point these things
i am not trying to do anything to hurt anyone
know that i am changed
from where i once was
i am not the same man
i have grow so much
made mistakes
learned lessons
so please
dont second guess yourself
you are good
you have great parts
and parts that need work
just like everyone
but remember
tread lightly
for not everyone sees your path
your journey
and cannot sympathize with you
or imagine or understand

have you ever had a piece of music stuck in your head
not a piece of music
but maybe a line
even without words
where it seems to perfectly express what you feel
and in stead of it just being stuck
it is actually reflective of whats going on
how you feel

ever find yourself
in a moment
where you know you want to cry
but trying is futile
and you dont think it is possible
where you search for a song
a movie
that will bring you to your knees
in a pool of your own tears

---------------------------------------

it seems that i have these moments
where i cannot believe
what anyone says
who i am
that i could be a good person
an attractive person
a person worth being friends with

these moments where i find myself talking
to those that mean the most to me
but still the most to me feels like nothing

having moments with these people sometimes

maybe results in this lull
or seperation
where all i can do is worry
worry about what i have done
if it was good or bad that is happened
and think ill of myself

these are the moments
i try to make less frequent
the moments i try to rid myself of
the moments i dont want to live
thats why i talk
thats what i keep going
thats why i want to stop

i guess in the end it was a good evening
and odd evening
full of moments of
not so much trepidation but surprise
i mean i found myself
so many times
with words coming out of my mouth
that surprised even myself
but it was great
it was a good conversation
it was a good evening
it was just surprising to me
i really dont know else how to put it
to talk the way we did
to interact the way we did
to understand each other the way we do

and even more surprised as the evening continues

so this is where i am at
i still feel
energy stifled
which in turn leaves me feeling emotionally constipated (thanks for the verbiage kevin)
so right now
i have been quiet
and really unable to express myself
which BLOWS
i read a fair amount today during day 1 of tour
which by the way
i hated
cause i hate choir


i still feel very alone
in just about every sense
and i felt a really nice embrace two times today

i say to myself
as well as others
this town is absolute parp for people like me
whether i believe it or not i think isnt debatable
but whether or not i have accepted is
is another story

why cant i find someone that even
fulfills a single criteria
that i hold

maybe its cause i despise most gay men
that are around this area...
i'd like to say i know that i deserve one
but i cannot say such things truthfully

and even when i ask opinions from other people
and get the answer i wish to hear
i dont accept it as truth
because for some reason i think they are lying?
or if they arent
they must be the only one to see it as such

and now it seems i cannot keep focus
or clearness of mind
so i will be done

so if you are reading this
and for some reason thinking that this would be great to send to someone
really
go fuck yourself
this is my space
i dont hand this link out
for a reason
this is theraputic for me
and when i get told my a councelor to write my opinions and thoughts here
its for MY medical benifit
so really
bite me

this is for me
not for you
this is me getting it out here
this isnt for you to get me in trouble

have you ever wanted to cry out
in agony and angst
to attempt to tell the world
how you feel
and you know that no words would escape you
only unpatterned and indistinguishable noise
but we hope
that someone
within range
will hear it
and listen
and make sense of our incoherency
who is that person for me
can i be that person for you

i wish that people would realize
the impact of touch

tonight i did lay with a man
for less than 10 clicks of a clock
and it was enough
to warm my heart
remove the anger from my heart
and focus on the life
that i was interacting with

this man was no one that i am in love with
it is a man that i love
like many people that i love


it is people like him
that make my life worth it
people that i can help
that can also help me

people that help to fulfill and two way street

it was a moment
that turned into one of those hopefully passing times
where you feel incredibly unwanted
like no one finds you worthy
where the thoughts creep into your head
and you know they shouldn't be there

at least you know well enough to say they aren't true
and feel that in your heart that you're right about it


i guess it is one of those times
that help you to find yourself

but not to measure yourself by

I Believe In You and Me
I Believe That we will be
In love eternally
Well as far as I can see
You Will Always be the one
For me (Oh yes, you will)

And I believe in dreams again
I believe that love will never end
And like the river finds the sea
I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe In you and me

I will never leave your side
I will never hurt your pride
When all the chips are down, baby
Then I will always be around
Just to be right where you are
My love, you know I love you, boy

I will never leave you out
I will always let you in, boy (mmm, oh baby)
To places no-one's ever been,
Deep inside, can't you see?
That I believe in you and me

Maybe I'm a fool
To feel the way I do
I will play the fool forever
Just to be with you forever

I believe in miracles
And love is the miracle
And yes, baby you're my dream come true
I was lost, now I'm free,
Oh, baby cuz i believe, i do believe, in you and me
See, I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe in you and me.

------------------------------

what a song
what a voice
and its all there because of love
and all of her second chances
are because of love
i am full of it
love that is
give me a second chance
for the last time
no more lives after this
i will do it this time
no promises
no word
just results

some people just do things right
and sometimes the people that
have this information disseminated to them
do it well
and sometimes they dont

everybody has a purpose
and a niche
and thats important
for identity
but who is to say
that things cant change
a testing of waters perhaps
a change of pace
anything is possible
am i right

cause we are supposedly capable of anything

sometimes all i want to come home to
is not my home
not my apartment
but another's
to slip into bed with the one i love
to be able to slip into their bed
and even sleeping know their embrace

what it is to lay with someone
it is merely exquisite
i have known it so few times
which only makes it's meaning greater

i long for companionship
for someone to make me better and i them
for someone to eat with and sit with
to wake with and tire with

to have someone to sing to me
and whisper to me sweet things
to have someone who writes me
and causes my nose to itch
and my stomach to excite

to have my problems be fixed
to smile and know that all will be mended
no questions asked
no consequences

but it seems that the latter is impossible
i am powerful beyond measure?
how do i tap into that

if a person is to devote hours upon hours to something
wouldnt you want it to be beneficial to you for the rest of your life?
i mean sure there are two major options
something that will make me money
and something that will give me a greater base for continuing education in that area
i mean to me, in the end if you are given a great base
that means that you normally can keep learning
and keeping going forward
in regards to technique
that normally means a lengthier career in it if you so choose it
so ya know what

why not go the extra mile and have choreography be technical
why not go the extra mile to teach your kids real vocal technique

we wonder why things are not how they used to be

maybe in part cause we dont teach them the things that made the past great

ok so really i never write on here for just the sake of venting
so here we go

i want to fire a lot of people
anyone that allows bad teachers to teach
anyone that is a bad teacher
anyone who is unfit for their job
anyone who is teaching and lazy
anyone who is a teacher and unwilling to keep learning
anyone who doesnt realize that everyone is SOOO CAPABLE of ANYTHING

i am really very sick of watching great people who want to teach turn into people who accept what the "great" teachers say. and by great teachers i mean teachers who have taught for years, teachers who win, teachers who are retired, teachers who are respected...

cause ya know what

1. it isnt about winning and NEVER should be
2. most teachers (90% at least) really dont know enough
3. by not knowing enough respect is given to undeserving people
4. experience doesnt always result in the best wisdom because some people dont have their eyes and ears open to everything that the world offers


there are sooo many teachers that i have seen, heard, watched, been taught by, heard about that shouldnt be where they are

teachers who teach not enough
teachers who play games
who play favorites
teachers who make students believe that they are god
teachers who teach incorrectly
teachers whose whole philosophy is wrong
teacehrs who are RUINING the future

so what is it
when did it happen
who is repsonsible for this?
when did someone let their standards fall? when did teachers start allowing bad things to happen or to continue?

i am sick of the jaw wabbles.... and by that i mean laryngal tension that extends into the jaw and stick and causes nodes

i am sick of doppler dinamics that dont teach musicality

i am sick of students being unable to read music

i am sick of showchoirs dancing and singing not at the same time

i am sick of students thinking its about winning

i am sick of the singing of 2pt music by 4A choirs

i am sick of the amount of money being spent on a choir on their appearance rather than using that money to bring in people to help them with their problems and make them better

i am sick of teachers telling students they are the wrong voice part and teaching them the wrong voice part

i am sick of teachers telling their students to do things pedagogically incorrect

i am sick of teachers who dont hold to their word

i am sick of teachers who cant do what they teach

why cant showchoir be about the singing while dancing except for the ballad where you just stand and sing. why do groups have costumes for each number and sets and lights and effect and props... is it to distract us from what they cant do well? why are ballads only 4

pts.... if you are just standing and singing why dont they sing harder music if there is more energy to put in it? and btw whats with arrangements sucking? maybe its cause we failed the arrangers in some way by not forcing them to be better by having higher standards? why do choreographers have soo many pitfalls? maybe them too on the standards... and to these directors who are making these decisions about costuming props arrangements and their choir members? they too have been failed...

maybe just maybe we should fire people from now on, who arent good. maybe we shouldnt give people certificates to teach

if you have to have nodes because of how you were taught
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

if you bust a lip because of how your trumpet teacher teaches
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

if you develop carpal tunnel syndrome because of how you hold your mallets
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

its the same thing as being hit by a teacher world


if you believe that your shit dont stink and its all about winning
your teachers has caused you mental harm


its the same thing as the residual effects of molestation by a teachers

thats gonna be thousands of dollars to therapy to fix it... hopefully

so ya know what
teachers keep on mental raping your students and beating them till they are blue

cause thats what you are doing

uh

i know i will be back with this...

so i dont think i could fathom
what in the hell i would do
if i witnessed my child
being stood up
what would you say?
how are you supposed to react?

i just cant imagine

maybe the concept of death
truly is just a natural part of love
maybe it is a simple as
the worlds gift to one
who has fulfilled all of ones prophecy
maybe its the release from duty
the reward
for doing what was required of you
and sometimes what was not

whether the part they played
was cast upon it
a positive light or none such
the role was necessary

so play the role
and follow you heart the best you can
for it can only lead us to where
we can go
a little faster

i find it hard to say
that what i feel is not wrong
the attraction between two bodies
but
my quizzical nature brings me to
the idea that maybe just maybe
that if such a relationship
is based in love
true love
that if the two are in the truest form
lovers
how could that be wrong
two persons who would give their all
for one another
in every way
every energy passion and fire
life limb and happiness for that person

the moments of love are gifts from the world
and maybe its time we start remembering that
whatever your definition of love
and wherever it is in the journey
it is real to those involved
and we are not to push ourselves
upon it
so
let us celebrate the gift of love
between those common and not so

as i seem to have said more and more recently
love in any form is better than hatred

the sky adorns the earth with magic
everything sparkles as if new
the air is crisp and fresh
nothing is touched
a single figure transverses the purity
not wishing to soil it
he moves not so silently through the early morning
his vision is hindered
but he does not care
he drives himself
through the world around him
which seems to simple
and pure
in his heart knowing nothing
but the idea of this world
and its wonder

the "adult" idea
of staying up late
to watch the new year rise
and the old one fall

where does it come from?
does it come from the idea that
adults do it
all of them
and wish to in addition?

i found myself of late
not anticipating the event

not caring of my plans
or if i had someone to kiss

i merely found myself
yearning for reflection
for the purpose of betterment
and quiet

not surrounded by others
comsuming beerages
assorted substances

i was merely fine
with where i was
with my thought

my only change
would to have been alone with them

a question worth asking

people often search for silence
and there is where they find their answers

so by my finding answers in music
what does that mean

maybe i should try it in silence as well
and see how that goes

so
to the moments
where one finds no inspiration
in anything
to the times without pen or paper
and so much to write
to the great songs in
unfamiliar territorry
the times where passion
does infact translate into action
when feelings are expressed and
go unreciprocated
to the spelling and gramatical errs
and the beauty and honesty they create
to every moment
in a life

because they were supposed to happen as such
and there is nothing we can do about changing them

so just learn from them

maybe things are as simple as they seem

time to stop over analyzing?

answer is unclear

struggling to write
not in the moment
but in life
i find myself

on a grey december morning
with echoes of songs once sung
and ideas of what lost is

i have surrounded myself
with piles and walls
serving what purpose?

its amazing that the body
can go from content to cold
with such little change

am i ready to do this
to do what is completely necessary?

is there anyway i can truthfully know
any of the answers to my questions

how can i be for sure

is there a way to make sure
is there a way to turn this insecurity
in my future
into security of action?

hindsight is always 20/20
and things never end perfectly
dont you wish you could ask questions
in any matter
with any person

would that help
or would that hurt

even if its 20 years later, what about 1 more minute with a person
to ask anything
to say anything
hello goodbye god loves you
just anything

would it be better take it
or to go without

these are questions worth asking

weaker moments
prideless moments
crying out to what seems no one
reaching out from someone

but whether to give into myself
and commit an act upon myself
that i later will abhor

to stick to my convictions
when i say that i will not drink
but then
to turn instead
to pills
to lull me into a haze and lucid area

-----------------------------------------------

why is it
when i am stressed i can think to write
the moments that show me having a "GREAT" day
they drive me to write
for it feels in those moments
that no person is there to comfort me

------------------

why cant i forgive andy
what is the key to this
should i continue to hope
and hold on to next to nothing
which is what is left
or maybe i should let go
and never think to apologize
or also to be apologized to
as well
do i really want the friend?

-------------------------

i dont have the energy it seems
to do much of anything
interactions with people are lacking
lacking waht i think and say
my butting in into situations
my writing of wrongs

they are lacking
even for myself

even alone

i have too little energy

how often do you run the line
that line when you know what you are doing
just might hurt you
knowing that it might sting
or burn
or maybe even bleed
but you choose to do it anyway
even though it will hurt
but you arent doing something to inflict the pain

now how often
do you choose not to get help
and do you ignore that
by not gettin help
you are in fact hurting yourself
but for some reason
you dont take those steps
to just help yourself
and maybe
just maybe
if you took those steps
they could be easier to take every time you woul ever have to think
about taking them?

i will be back. soon. i am just sorting things out.

[SHEILA]
Daddy always thought that he married beneath him.
That's what he said, that's what he said.
When he proposed he informed my mother
He was probably her very last chance.
And though she was twenty-two,
Though she was twenty-two,
Though she was twenty-two,
She married him.

Life with my dad wasn't ever a picnic
More like a "Come as you are."
When I was five I remember my mother
Dug earrings out of the car
I knew they weren't hers, But it wasn't
Something you'd want to discuss.
He wasn't warm.
Well, not to her.
Well, not to us

But
Everything was beautiful at the ballet.
Graceful men lift lovely girls in white.
Yes,
Everything was beautiful at ballet.
Hey!
I was happy... at the ballet.

That's why I started class...

Up a steep and very narrow stairway.

[SHEILA AND BEBE]
To the voice like a metronome.
Up a steep and very narrow stairway.

[SHEILA]
It wasn't paradise...

[BEBE]
It wasn't paradise...

[SHEILA AND BEBE]
It wasn't paradise...

[SHEILA]
But it was home.

[BEBE]
Mother always said I'd be very attractive
When I grew up, when I grew up.
"Diff'rent," she said, "With a special something
And a very, very personal flair."
And though I was eight or nine,
Though I was eight or nine,
Though I was eight or nine,
I hated her.
Now,

"Diff'rent" is nice, but it sure isn't pretty.
"Pretty" is what it's about.
I never met anyone who was "diff'rent"
Who couldn't figure that out.
So beautiful I'd never lived to see.
But it was clear,
If not to her,
Well, then... to me...
That ...

[MAGGIE AND BEBE]
Everyone is beautiful at the ballet.
Every prince has got to have his swan.
Yes,
Everyone is beautiful at the ballet.

[MAGGIE]
Hey!...

[BEBE]
I was pretty...

[SHEILA]
At the ballet

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
Up a steep and very narrow stairway
To the voice like a metronome.
Up a steep and very narrow stairway

[MAGGIE]
It wasn't paradise...

[BEBE]
It wasn't paradise...

[SHEILA]
It wasn't paradise...

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
But it was home.

[MAGGIE (Spoken)]
I don't know what they were for or against, really,
except each other.
I mean I was born to save their marriage
but when my father came to pick my mother up
at the hospital
he said, "Well, I thought this was going to help.
but I guess it's not..."
Anyway, I did have a fantastic fantasy life.
I used to dance around the living room
with my arms up like this
My fantasy was that I was an Indian Chief...
And he'd say to me,
"Maggie, do you wanna dance?"
And I'd say, "Daddy, I would love to dance!"

[SHEILA AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo-doo

[BEBE]
But it was clear...

[BEBE AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo

[SHEILA]
When he proposed...

[SHEILA AND BEBE]
Doo-doo-doo

[MAGGIE]
That I was born to help their marriage and when

[MAGGIE AND BEBE]
Doo-doo-doo-doo

[SHEILA]
That's what he said...

[SHEILA AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo

[BEBE]
That's what she said...

[BEBE AND SHEILA]
Doo-doo-doo

[MAGGIE]
I used to dance around the living room...

[BEBE AND SHEILA]
Doo-doo-doo-doo

[SHEILA]
He wasn't warm...

[SHEILA AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo

[BEBE]
Not to her...

[MAGGIE]
It was an Indian chief and he'd say:
"Maggie, do you wanna dance?"
And I'd say, "Daddy, I would love to..."

Everything was beautiful at the ballet,
Raise your arms and someone's always there.
Yes, everything was beautiful at the ballet,
At the ballet,
At the ballet!!!

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
Yes everything was beautiful at the ballet.

[MAGGIE]
HEY!...

[BEBE]
I was pretty...

[SHEILA]
I was happy...

[MAGGIE]
"I would love to..."

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
At...the...ballet.

i mean
i always say that i want to do something at least once
otherwise i cannot say here nor there
but in this case
a first time
plus mixing things i couldnt speak on
was not a good idea
but then again
i did learn something
and make a responsible decision
i guess
but always knowing
whether its right or not
is the hard part

that taught me so much
i showed me more than i imagined
ever possible
i was tired
sitting with new friends
in painstakingly
the best museum
because of its virtues
that its price was weightless
proving that
art is to be shared
and be to be viewed
by all
but most of all
i dont know
what means more
that i learned something
or that i was with you

into the woods
yes
into the woods
running from things
coming to terms
the woods is what you
wish for it to be

have you ever noticed
the purpose the woods serve
for fairy tales
or for that matter
the secrets forests truly hold

what are the woods to you

I find myself in a questioning

suprise!

i wonder truthfully
if to write beautifully
that i always must be troubles
cannot i not live purely
and write wondrous things
sing wondrous songs
anymore i find it hard to do anything well
when i am not living well
not every poet was depressed
not ever singer was lonely
i no longer believe that is how it must be
i can live well
and cleanly
and be all that i wish to be
write beautifully
sing wonderfully
live beyond words

maybe we are ready for death
perhaps
it is life that prepares us for a death
the lesson's taught ready us for their departure
could it be that the departure
is not only their time coming to a close
but the indication of the surrounding's
ability to continue without
without the one who has contributed before
also
it is a test to those left behind
asking them to grow
and teach themselves a lesson
remember it
time to change
time to love
cherish it

have you ever considered
that despite your growth
emotional range and intensity
that part of you may be jaded
unfeeling perhaps?
i question
that maybe
just maybe
i have removed myself from feeling loss with death
i cannot remember crying at a funeral
i mean 93 was a year to try to block from my mind
losing so many people
i was so young
i remember crying for leila
but i didnt cry for aunts
grandmothers
godfathers

am i truly that well adjusted to it
accepting and moving on
or am i repressing things?

it was quite possibly the hardest thing i have witnessed
to watch one's two cousins cry
asking in tears
why their mother did this to herself
why didnt she stop

to say that my life is hard
is a lie
i have never experienced anything that can compare
to the loss of the person who brought you physically
into this world
the woman who raised you
instilled in you things
that you will never forget

a challenge to myself
to replicate moments
feelings
conversations
must be considered unfathomable
as i am always a constant for change
let alone anyone else
always growing
pushing
learning
changing
never the same person
not second to second
thereby making re-creation
impossible
i cannot guarantee myself
let alone the others involved
hell
even the things that just occur around it

so here is to the future moments
to that maybe they will match or even surpass
the past's
knowing that i will grow
hoping that others will too
and hoping that things only get better
whether thats idealistic is not the point
but the concept is hope
and without hope
i have no reason to go on

i am very torn
i dont know whether to be angry
or sad
or refuse

should i make pointed statements
and pose pointed questions
or should i just be me
the person who will
forever hope
that you and i will reconcile this relationship
i would love push you borders
grow more with you
make you uncomfortable

please dont tell me that this is irreconcilable

the below is for you


--

Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Si me quisieras, todo te dara
Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Al mismo cielo, yo te llevara.

Dime tan solo una palabra
Que me devuelva la vida
Y se me quede en el alma
Porque sin ti no tengo nada
Envulveme con tus besos
refugiame en tu guarida

Y cuando te veo, no se lo siento
Y cuando te siento, me quemo por dentro
Y ms...y ms de ti yo me enamoro
Tu eres lo que quiero
Tu eres mi tesoro.

Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Si me quisieras, todo te dara
Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Al mismo cielo, yo te llevara.

Sin ti me siento tan perdido
Ensame la salida, llvame siempre contigo
Protgeme con tu cario
Encindeme con tu fuego
Y ya ms nada te pido...nada te pido.

Y cuando te veo, no se lo siento
Y cuando te siento, me quemo por dentro
Y ms...y ms de ti yo me enamoro
Tu eres lo que quiero
Tu eres mi tesoro.

Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Si me quisieras, todo te dara
Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Al mismo cielo, yo te llevara.

Ave Mara...
Dime si sers ma...
Dmelo ya...
Ave Mara...

its amazing that you have given me a little hope
with just a simple phone call
maybe just maybe
less is lost than i think

ok
so i have deduced
that it is better to have more Love
in the world
than not
not just more than negativity or hatred
but just more love
or what one believes to be love
is better than anything
actually to make it more general
and even more positive
it is better to have positive emotions
feelings
than anything
because if it is positive
it is not negative
simple i know
but moods radiate
and things are infectious
so to this i say
let the relationships grow
let them prosper always
let things be in good cheer
and great disposition
so that things may grow themselves
and prosper
always with eyes on the horizon
but living in the moment

so here is to positivity
let's raise our glass
and to idealism
which is quite different
from naivety

the knowledge
and epiphanies
that can be found
in the craziest of places
seem to the best most fun

its nice finding reinforcements

give me 100 dates
give me love
give me no meaningless sex
cause its worth waiting for

i remember part of myself
the part of me that is chivalrous
the part of me that is a classic gentlemen

love always is the best thing
it's nice finally finding
the love
i have for myself

for the 26th of july


so on this day
i hoped for inspiration to write
of the time i had grown
of the time i had spent
pushing myself
the envelope
the limits
something to look back on the past five years
to say that i had grown
to show that i had proof
but what i found
was myself in the shower
still awake
at five am
in prayer
near tears
realizing truths
coming to grips
with myself
my life
this world
to say that the past years
including the past five
having been a cake walk
would be a complete lie
paths covered in lies
deception
confusion
anger
depression
loneliness
but more than anything
knowledge
learning
growth
change
positivity

i will never exchange my life for anyone elses
i would never surrender what i have learned
for my experiences
for my soul
eyes
heart
mind
love

i am the greatest individual
i never expected to be
and i am only 20

i never thought i would live to see 30
thought i would die before then
of stress
in the ends of my own means
by the life choices i make/made
but now
30 is a positive
40 is seen
50 is imagined
bigger and brighter
and if i continue like this
i will love myself
more and more
everyday
so why die young
why die until have walked my destined path
why slow
why not defy all the odds and expectations
even those that are set by greater than ourselves
if we can remove ourselves from a preplanned path
i can continue on the path longer than expected
and have a more rich and colorful life than the same

so i say to the world
two anniversaries destined to be close
within hours of eachother
from this day
from that hour
i am reborn
in every way
better and more determined
i dare you to try to stop me
from getting farther than
anyone
ever expected

to quote rare earth
but more lovingly
the temptations

get ready
cause here i come

when we traveled
there were so many delusions
of what i thought could be
either tomorrow or down the road
but they were just lies
so it seems
false hopes perhaps
to think that things would have continued
down the path that was better set than current
i would have loved to believe it
and would have loved for you to believe it too

------------------------------------

say it as much as you want
and mean it the same
but i truthfully feel
that it doesnt matter to you
that i would go to the ends of the earth
spend all i have and give everything
for you
if you just asked me to

at times you wouldnt even need to ask


i may have been the only one
to come to you
even though our relationship
was not paved the best
but you show nothing
that resembles caring
that i did something no one else would
and i even now
would do it again
on a larger and grander scale

-------------------------

let mood swings run rampant
let sickness control
but let the words flow
and grant me more peace
find me greater solace
so that
every moment
i move forward
always better
always brighter

call me different
or special
or fucked up
but i am worth it
every pang
every thought

------------------------

if i were to meet someone like me
i wouldnt be physically attracted to them
and when it comes to personality
i dont think i would know what to think
if i would see them for the beauty they hold within them
of would i see the baggage instead that they carry

what does this say of me?
do i find myself unattractive
do i notice my own baggage over my beauty

will i ever come to the point
of moderate acceptance and enjoyment of who i am

as much as i say about myself
the beauty i hold
the baggage i carry
the growth i have undergone


what do i actually see
how do i actually feel

-------------------------------

why is it humans indulge in activities that leave them feeling empty

how deep is my love
how long will it last
when will it stop
is there an end?

nope

sometimes i really feel that i need to repeat myself
as if the people i told originally had forgotten
its not bad but its not good

parts of me
wish to be lots of things
like angry
and inspired
but things happen the way they do
not how i want


in then end i will be ok

the whole things is just ridiculous
lots of options
i just may not have the strength for
just right now

unclear mind

i'll put the ending here

when will it ever be fully pushed through
that it wont ever make anything better
it is not the answer
all it does is allow you to forget about things for a moment
and then it leaves you empty
and maybe a little more hollow

eh, only more to gain back

but why make more work for one's self

note: this is not meant to be glorifying of living a life of mediocrity

if life's purpose is to interact
to feel and interpret and learn
maybe to serve purpose is to just live
because unless hermitage is your call
you do interact
and thereby have weight in people's lives
but what if one were to live well
full of fervor and love of life
to live to the fullest extent
feeling and doing more
pushing one's self more
would that in turn raise the quality of life
for those around you
thereby making others better
by your betterment

not for sure

but its worth a try


--------

note: this is not an attack

as much as the vindictive and overly homosexual part of me wants to be something
i am refusing it that priveledge
however
i do remember
why i do/did dislike gays
and it's gonna take some time
for me to get back into the swing of things
so heres to time
and gettin back into it
cause putting myself back in is only
only
gonna make things move a little bit faster

its dumbfounding at times
the journey of life
to be pieces in a game of chess
maybe lived out by destiny
destined for death
ruled by avatars
and demi gods
but to say
that one does not shape
one's own path
is without experience
humans are given specific
traits and abilities
where we surprise even ourselves
to think of our true potential
complete brain use
total physical exhaustion
we are deafening
and surprising

to get to that point
where everyday
i can use all of my being
to its fullest
is where i will strive

------------------

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

- Nelson Mandela

sometimes it is just easier to write
when you are full on angst
but what to say
when you are confused
in tongue and in thought
or life

so what to say
to type
when you feel
that the only way
to put out energy
is through writing

how?
what?

when will i get more clarity

and if its too far how
how will i get to that point
and can i push myself there?

felt the need to write
but words didnt come easy

things are only being reinforced
i am whole without anyone
and attempting to be with someone
isnt gonna help anything
i am gettin better everyday
and i dare you when i get going
to try to keep up with me then
you wont be able to
if i set my mind to it
i will be better at what you do
that you are
and its not even my passion
thats my power
thats my heart
thats me

i am limitless

i am not lying to myself
the pit is still there
i am just gettin better
and beyond
this

a single song
in different worlds
holds vastly different meanings
dumbfounding it is
since we are apparently not different at all
nor special from one another

oh wait
i disagree with the above

let no one say again
that the use of antidepressants
mutes life
distances you from situations

if anything it allows you to think as clearly
as possible
giving you more pespective
it can give you the ability to walk to from and around
a situation

giving more clarity
sooner
and expediting life
due to unnecessary
irrational actions

-----

i feel as though this is a bit ... more than just a bit trite

i dont apologize however, it is life. and mine. and i can deal with trite poetry.

perspective is everything
even in moments of dark
i look not only to the light
but also to the dark beyond my station
to know the range of the contrast
it allows everything to be set
in quite the perspective

to know the lives surrounding my own could be worse
and know that my help if asked for
should be given

to know that in the range
i do matter
and have control of few things
but the few things i control
can make bigger marks than anything
the world has ever seen
if i commit to it
there will be no stop
i will succeed
as you push me back or to the ground
i will rise again
to see another day
cause i will always be alright

so to the end of all that is life
i just merely take a breath
and say i'll take it day by day
and as they come and go
i will just keeo breathing
and putting it all in perspective
that regardless my station
things could always be worse

always


and bless those whose lives are worse... and continue
day by day

to be quite honest
i think that i am beyond this
beyond the childish games
and the wanting to be older
as if adults had it easier
but i think i am coming to terms
with the fact that nothing
no nothing gets easier
only more complicated

to be in a land of naivety
in a land full of wide eyed innocence
where you arent bothered by
troubles of the mind and heart

to find yourself always with friends
and know they would never leave you
nor hurt you at all
and act as thought it was a two-way street

now that would just be neverland

doing the best i can
for me and mine
everyday
just like the ones before me
and with example
the ones after me

i wonder what would happen if i took time
and let them
come to me
would it be the same
will they notice
and if they do
what will they do?

why do i stay awake
fully knowing all i am gonna do
is think more about something
i really need perspective on
and i think perspective
is only really gonna come in time
so live each day
and get to tomorrow
for a little bit more
perspective

to create a decision
on what next
but not tomorrow
but now
on what to do
right now

at home catch up

---

I find myself in many a situation that relates to television
and all of them are a bit sad and pathetic
but yet real

---

I wonder how much longer
it would have taken
to avoid this issue more
to pull a bigger cop out
to be more lame with my actions
to resort to that lowly a state
i truly must have been desperate
and did it make it any better?
Absolutely not
to be prideful i say this isnt my friends
speaking their words again through me
but
it is what i knew from the get go
before i even started
i dont always have to be mature
i dont always have to be good
let me be irresponsible and bad for a try
how else will i learn anything
and trust me
my eyes and ears and mind are open
you better believe this
is only the beginning of the lesson

---

There are times of clairvoyance
when i remember i am so young
as are those around me
even at times
those who are by birth are older
are sometimes younger than i
and those who may be younger by birth
could thereby be potentially older than myself

for some they are just merely taking their first steps
on a road that i myself have walked
for going on five years

to think back to when i took my first steps
and those who watched
and helped to pick me up when i fell
i remember more the ones who helped me up
rather than the reason i fell
or whom it was i was walking with

so why do i fret about the now
whos with whom
and such trifiling matters
when i can merely take it day by day
and be there when they fall
to help them up

whether they help me
in return
or someone else
as long as the forward motion continues
and even if it doesnt
at least i am forward motion
continuing on
until i die
because this part of me is worth holding on to

i long to sit by the ocean
and to hear the natural rhythm of the world
to remember how small i am
and view the wonder of the earth

where the sea meets the sky
is where i am lost
floating without care
in the sky's natural light
feeling weightless
without burdens

on the edge of the world
at the summit
i look to see the possibilities
and i realize
what is possible
and i dare myself not to try to seize it

hi-lights from the week:

It the midst of this mess of a life
I attempt to think of what i truly know
who i am
what i are for
why i am here, still
what matters
questions plague me
answers are few
to think that i feel as if i know nothing
is deafening to all senses
if i know nothing of myself i feel
as if i know nothing of the world
or society in any way
if i as an intelligent person
know nothing of who i am
or for that matter
nothing of personal value of myself
i truthfully feel blind deaf and mute in this world
from birth
but i know
in some part of me
that i know something about myself
some ever constant part
that seems to be rooted deeper than anything i have ever known
what is it
that i desire love?
Need love
want love
feel love
am love?
By the extension that i
am one of God's creations
he created all existence
out of love
thereby making me love
as one of his creations
but can i buy into that completely?

What is the purpose of my self hating
is it to always be challenging myself
to never rest until i am better
i cannot dare say it is to condemn me

what is the truth behind my low self esteem
the manic depression
lack of friends
i dont know
but maybe i am not supposed to know right now
maybe one day it will click and i will see it all clearly
or maybe it wont
it could come slowly
for the rest of my life

why must i put up a facade to the world
i mean it fools only people i shouldnt be friends with
i say that i need no approval nor care what others think
but i do
i honestly do
i die to know what people think
and even when i do reach out to ask
if given no support i just default to
the fact that i say i dont care
how many people see through me
how many people know that i care what people think
but how many peoples opinions actually matter to me
and why them
time
influence
love?

Am i truthfully in conflict
and is that different from confused
are either of these things actually bad at all?
I feel as though Dr Simonson was right
all conflict is is differing information
thereby it is a surplus amount of information that just needs sorting
so why stress
i will come to an answer
sometime
doesnt have to be right now
as long as i get there it doesnt matter when
this isnt a race
and if it is
i wont mind coming in last
and living the most

where is the root of my chronic lying
did i see my brother as a teen
running from my parents gaze
going of to smoke and ingest illegal drugs?
Or is it attention seeking from my childhood of feeling like the least important
am i dillusional and think that i am the least important
while my brother and sister maintain i was center ring
is being the best so important i will fabricate lies
that will in th end hang me

and what of the manic depression
is it chemical imbalance
is it perception
could it all really be genetics
look at the line i come from
anger management
divorce
high stress
dramatics
maybe it really is genes
and maybe i owe a severe debt of thanks to OK

i have some baggage
who doesnt
just cause you dont see
as if in an airport
doesnt mean we all dont have a bag
or three
its my junk
i am happy to drag it along
the load will get lighter
and the bags will get smaller
eventually
it'll be a wallet
and that day is exciting

-------------------------------------

Truthfully
i have no idea what to write
i feel uninspired
which is quite alright with me
it at times would signal
my mind slowing
however
maybe just this once
it is calm again
something i havent felt in a while
did owning up to my shit do something good?
Does reminding myself that i should focus on me
do some good
why does it truthfully matter what those around me do
if it does not actually effect me
i mean emotionally whatever
but physically if it is doing no harm
what is the issue
is it normal to be this emotional
even if it isnt though
its me
and i am doing better than i ever expected
i mean honestly
the part of me that worries about them is quieter now
but i fear that it is only because i have removed them as much as possible
from my life for a given time
will it return if i let them back in
thinking that i have helped myself
if it does
how will i react

wait

one day at a time
one beat of my heart
one breath in my lungs
one moment at a time
anything else
really doesnt matter
stop thinking ahead and think about now
let the moments come when they do
and take them in then
try not to assume and jump ahead
cause if you are going with your eyes closed
you have no idea where you will land

so with this
breath

really thats all

----------------------------------------------

It the midst of this mess of a life
I attempt to think of what i truly know
who i am
what i are for
why i am here, still
what matters
questions plague me
answers are few
to think that i feel as if i know nothing
is deafening to all senses
if i know nothing of myself i feel
as if i know nothing of the world
or society in any way
if i as an intelligent person
know nothing of who i am
or for that matter
nothing of personal value of myself
i truthfully feel blind deaf and mute in this world
from birth
but i know
in some part of me
that i know something about myself
some ever constant part
that seems to be rooted deeper than anything i have ever known
what is it
that i desire love?
Need love
want love
feel love
am love?
By the extension that i
am one of God's creations
he created all existence
out of love
thereby making me love
as one of his creations
but can i buy into that completely?

What is the purpose of my self hating
is it to always be challenging myself
to never rest until i am better
i cannot dare say it is to condemn me

what is the truth behind my low self esteem
the manic depression
lack of friends
i dont know
but maybe i am not supposed to know right now
maybe one day it will click and i will see it all clearly
or maybe it wont
it could come slowly
for the rest of my life

why must i put up a facade to the world
i mean it fools only people i shouldnt be friends with
i say that i need no approval nor care what others think
but i do
i honestly do
i die to know what people think
and even when i do reach out to ask
if given no support i just default to
the fact that i say i dont care
how many people see through me
how many people know that i care what people think
but how many peoples opinions actually matter to me
and why them
time
influence
love?

Am i truthfully in conflict
and is that different from confused
are either of these things actually bad at all?
I feel as though Dr Simonson was right
all conflict is is differing information
thereby it is a surplus amount of information that just needs sorting
so why stress
i will come to an answer
sometime
doesnt have to be right now
as long as i get there it doesnt matter when
this isnt a race
and if it is
i wont mind coming in last
and living the most

where is the root of my chronic lying
did i see my brother as a teen
running from my parents gaze
going of to smoke and ingest illegal drugs?
Or is it attention seeking from my childhood of feeling like the least important
am i dillusional and think that i am the least important
while my brother and sister maintain i was center ring
is being the best so important i will fabricate lies
that will in th end hang me

and what of the manic depression
is it chemical imbalance
is it perception
could it all really be genetics
look at the line i come from
anger management
divorce
high stress
dramatics
maybe it really is genes
and maybe i owe a severe debt of thanks to OK

i have some baggage
who doesnt
just cause you dont see
as if in an airport
doesnt mean we all dont have a bag
or three
its my junk
i am happy to drag it along
the load will get lighter
and the bags will get smaller
eventually
it'll be a wallet
and that day is exciting

------------------------------------------

To write further feels futile
and anything that would come of it
would be worthless by my own eyes
so read this when you return here
and know
you decided well in your own mind
that it was better to not write than the latter
and know you were convicted

all it takes is conviction
following your all
you will be ok

i am hearing the words grandma said it
knowing that i think them
but i would only think that if it was possible
if it was supposed to be thought

grandma vandervelden
are you there?
I want to say yes
and if you are
come to me in my sleep quickly
and i will know

that – i cant even put it into words
that god is love
that things will be ok

and they will be
trust

----------------------------------------

just some things for ya'll

i think
i know not what to say next
feeling residue
to act or react

feel that i have made the right decision

i just think i need more time with those who are gettin it right

thanks

brad
andrew

kevin
mike

i promise nothing
not a thing
it may be part of my genes
it may not be
but i did not ask for it
the thoughts i think
are still there
whether or not i am medicated
it is hard to ignore
the ones that seem possible
whether its 90 or 20
i still think them
and sometimes want to buy into them
to be angry and sad
would be so easy
but since when is the easy road
my road?

nuts to those
who put me down
and attempt to hold me back
if you dont want me
no one is saying that you have to have me
i can move with or without you
and its always forward
you better believe that
i am not turning around
but ill gladly look back
to learn a lesson
but going back
i think not
only forward only growing
always better

always human
alexander scott brosseau
oh just wait till they get a load of the real me

i promise nothing


i am not gonna say how i am gonna react
i am not going to say how i will feel
just know that
it's on now
this life thing
is starting up now

cut away
get away
not run away
cause i will return
it's not our time
but it is my time
time to figure shit out
without

see you all later

so this blog is more than just my thoughts
its my honest thoughts
but i could post lies on here
and who would be the wiser
not outlandish things
but everyday things
like how i am doing
what i am thinking about
i could change my entire viewpoint on life on here
why should i though?

my mind is not getting along with my heart and i

i have been wondering if i have been lying to myself again...

hell

so i set out to make a list of the people i love
and i came up with a short list because i wasnt sure who to put on it
i mean i had people that i loved
but there were so many i wasnt sure about
we'll just say that there are many people
that i care for sooo much

i have junk
that is in lots of luggage
baggage if you will
except if i were to travel
through this world
i would never wish to lose it
even when i say i would
never could i leave it
so i buy some bright green luggage
with bananas and cows on it
so that no one will think
that my baggage is theirs
it belongs to me
that hideous container is mine
holding parts of me
parts of me i would never leave behind

-------------

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love [repeat]

I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

what a man
i mean British and gay...
how much more can you improve

the lyrics are great
but wrong at times
at least from my current station

no hope?
no love?
no happy ending?

i think he is wrong.

helping others helps yourself
feel better adam
i give a shit

how quickly the focus changed
from one to the other
purposeful?
did i just speak suspicion or assumption
or just mere curiosity...

in what i would consider
solitary activities
nothing stands against me
not now
never again
i am the master of my own destiny
here we go
runner-recitalist

Thank you Dr. Simonson

Les donneurs de sérénades
Et les belles écouteuses
Echangent des propos fades
Sous les ramures chanteuses.

C'est Tircis et c'est Aminte,
Et c'est l'éternel Clitandre,
Et c'est Damis qui pour mainte
Cruelle [fait]1 maint vers tendre.

Leurs courtes vestes de soie,
Leurs longues robes à queues,
Leur élégance, leur joie
Et leurs molles ombres bleues,

Tourbillonent dans l'extase
D'une lune rose et grise,
Et la mandoline jase
Parmi les frissons de brise.

the single best hidden track ever

Over my shoulder, running away,
Feels like i'm falling, losing my way,

Cold and dry,
Cold and dry.

Fog out my daylight, torture my night,
Feels like i'm falling, far out of sight,

Cold,
Drunk,
Tired,
Lost.

Over my shoulder, running away,
Feels like i’m falling, losing my way,

Cold, dry,
Cold and dry.

Fog out my daylight, torture my night,
Feels like i'm falling, far out of sight,

Cold,
Drunk,
Cold and drunk.

---------


btw, he did

and thank you eleanor

point of pride:

can you say you've been where i've been?
seen what i've seen?
done what i've done?
oh
i'll be there in the end
who will be there with me?

Audra... thank you... you too Elvis Costello

Now I have nothing, so God give me strength
cause Im weak in her [his] wake
And if Im strong I might still break
And I dont have anything to share
That I wont throw away into the air

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
she was the light that Id bless
she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength, God give me strength

I cant hold onto her, God give me strength
When the phone doesnt ring
And Im lost in imagining
Everything that kind of love is worth
As I tumble back down to the earth

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
she was the light that Id bless
she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength,

God if shed grant me her indulgence and decline
I might as well wipe her from my memory
Fracture the spell as she becomes my enemy
Maybe I was washed out like a lip-print on his shirt
See, Im only human, I want him to hurt
I want him
I want him to hurt

Since I lost the power to pretend
That there could ever be a happy ending

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
[he] she was the light that Id bless
[he] she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength, God give me strength

Thank you Sarah T.

Ach, ich fühl's, es ist verschwunden,
Ewig hin der Liebe Glück!
Nimmer kommt ihr Wonnestunde
Meinem Herzen mehr zurück!
Sieh', Tamino, diese Tränen,
Fließen, Trauter, dir allein!
Fühlst du nicht der Liebe Sehnen,
So wird Ruh' im Tode sein!

----------------------------------

the most beautiful song possibly on earth
sung by one of the most beautiful people i know
in every way

thank you for making my day better

mozart wrote the most beautiful music on earth. does that make him a genius? does that mean that he cared about who he was? was he in conflict with himself? if music reflects the person and society and his music is almost perfect, does that mean he was not in conflict?

a mist shrouds the hills
of a morning mind
clouds hang with a hidden sun
melting the edges into colors
soft pastel
somewhere between sickening and beautiful
the mist will dissipate
as the sun rises
the ground will be seen
for what it is
beautiful
green
lush
healthy

till then

-----------------

a song means something to you
and it now means something to me
i dont want it to mean anything
because of you
because you care
sick
maybe you get what it means
no happy ending
no
none
not like this
ever
fix it
or face it

------------------

i dare someone to match my quality or conviction
take a bullet for someone you dont really know
or for that matter care about
i have no disregard for life
because i could have taken my own
and i finally realize what value it has
but maybe
just maybe
my want to take a bullet for others
just show my willingness to die
even if it is for others
it was still my decision
kinda like suicide... dont you think?

melodrama
angst
dont tell me its just this age
and dont tell me its trite
its life
if i feel it
perceive it
it matters
its real
i fucking matter
fuck you

do i just say i dont get alone well with people?
is being cold and hard a good thing in my eyes?
i think it is

i also dont think i should talk
or say my feelings to the people that they involve
cause i feel like i fuck up lives more than i help

suprise?
nope

and the downward slope beings

sure seems familiar

three point five hours of conversation
and a weight has been lifted
thank god
even if nothing comes of it
he said he would be different with out me
and is happy that i was there
and wants it better than current
not worse
not awkwardness
but i am still gonna be there
for him
period

oh to get away
to live among another people
who are like you
but so far different from you
with a new language
a new culture
alone
to think
and live
and breathe
how interesting
i think it's what i am supposed to do
at least for a little while

-------------

i feel the above it quite trite
but whatever
i write what comes out
and it is what it is
nothing more than thoughts
lacking in line
and format

i sit here and watch events unfold
and know that i still feel the same
if not more
what does that say?
i will take care of you
as long as you need it
because i would rather be with you
than without you

i hate it when people push me away.
i would guess that most of the time it's my fault.

i hate it even more when people don't like me
why don't they like me?
all i am capable of is being myself
so they really must not like who i am
i must be scary
or i must be intimidating
i must be intolerable
what the hell
go to hell
i am great
fuck you

i think in the end
i have to be an ass hole
cause that way
i can hide the parts of me that i do no wish others to see
the parts of me that are soft
not weak but kinder
more gentle
the parts of me that can get me hurt


i do not wish to be hurt
but if that is the way
so be it
let it be
let it maintain
let it grow
hurt
lesson leared

i would rather be a Jack to someone's Will than not be a player in the cast at all. To be able to say I was there through all the relationships all the hooks and hell. And to have stood with you. To be able to say that I saw it all. And I stood by. And I always will, sounds so much better. Even if it never means, to known them fully.