the single best hidden track ever

Over my shoulder, running away,
Feels like i'm falling, losing my way,

Cold and dry,
Cold and dry.

Fog out my daylight, torture my night,
Feels like i'm falling, far out of sight,

Cold,
Drunk,
Tired,
Lost.

Over my shoulder, running away,
Feels like i’m falling, losing my way,

Cold, dry,
Cold and dry.

Fog out my daylight, torture my night,
Feels like i'm falling, far out of sight,

Cold,
Drunk,
Cold and drunk.

---------


btw, he did

and thank you eleanor

point of pride:

can you say you've been where i've been?
seen what i've seen?
done what i've done?
oh
i'll be there in the end
who will be there with me?

Audra... thank you... you too Elvis Costello

Now I have nothing, so God give me strength
cause Im weak in her [his] wake
And if Im strong I might still break
And I dont have anything to share
That I wont throw away into the air

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
she was the light that Id bless
she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength, God give me strength

I cant hold onto her, God give me strength
When the phone doesnt ring
And Im lost in imagining
Everything that kind of love is worth
As I tumble back down to the earth

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
she was the light that Id bless
she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength,

God if shed grant me her indulgence and decline
I might as well wipe her from my memory
Fracture the spell as she becomes my enemy
Maybe I was washed out like a lip-print on his shirt
See, Im only human, I want him to hurt
I want him
I want him to hurt

Since I lost the power to pretend
That there could ever be a happy ending

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
[he] she was the light that Id bless
[he] she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength, God give me strength

Thank you Sarah T.

Ach, ich fühl's, es ist verschwunden,
Ewig hin der Liebe Glück!
Nimmer kommt ihr Wonnestunde
Meinem Herzen mehr zurück!
Sieh', Tamino, diese Tränen,
Fließen, Trauter, dir allein!
Fühlst du nicht der Liebe Sehnen,
So wird Ruh' im Tode sein!

----------------------------------

the most beautiful song possibly on earth
sung by one of the most beautiful people i know
in every way

thank you for making my day better

mozart wrote the most beautiful music on earth. does that make him a genius? does that mean that he cared about who he was? was he in conflict with himself? if music reflects the person and society and his music is almost perfect, does that mean he was not in conflict?

a mist shrouds the hills
of a morning mind
clouds hang with a hidden sun
melting the edges into colors
soft pastel
somewhere between sickening and beautiful
the mist will dissipate
as the sun rises
the ground will be seen
for what it is
beautiful
green
lush
healthy

till then

-----------------

a song means something to you
and it now means something to me
i dont want it to mean anything
because of you
because you care
sick
maybe you get what it means
no happy ending
no
none
not like this
ever
fix it
or face it

------------------

i dare someone to match my quality or conviction
take a bullet for someone you dont really know
or for that matter care about
i have no disregard for life
because i could have taken my own
and i finally realize what value it has
but maybe
just maybe
my want to take a bullet for others
just show my willingness to die
even if it is for others
it was still my decision
kinda like suicide... dont you think?

melodrama
angst
dont tell me its just this age
and dont tell me its trite
its life
if i feel it
perceive it
it matters
its real
i fucking matter
fuck you

do i just say i dont get alone well with people?
is being cold and hard a good thing in my eyes?
i think it is

i also dont think i should talk
or say my feelings to the people that they involve
cause i feel like i fuck up lives more than i help

suprise?
nope

and the downward slope beings

sure seems familiar

three point five hours of conversation
and a weight has been lifted
thank god
even if nothing comes of it
he said he would be different with out me
and is happy that i was there
and wants it better than current
not worse
not awkwardness
but i am still gonna be there
for him
period

oh to get away
to live among another people
who are like you
but so far different from you
with a new language
a new culture
alone
to think
and live
and breathe
how interesting
i think it's what i am supposed to do
at least for a little while

-------------

i feel the above it quite trite
but whatever
i write what comes out
and it is what it is
nothing more than thoughts
lacking in line
and format

i sit here and watch events unfold
and know that i still feel the same
if not more
what does that say?
i will take care of you
as long as you need it
because i would rather be with you
than without you

i hate it when people push me away.
i would guess that most of the time it's my fault.

i hate it even more when people don't like me
why don't they like me?
all i am capable of is being myself
so they really must not like who i am
i must be scary
or i must be intimidating
i must be intolerable
what the hell
go to hell
i am great
fuck you

i think in the end
i have to be an ass hole
cause that way
i can hide the parts of me that i do no wish others to see
the parts of me that are soft
not weak but kinder
more gentle
the parts of me that can get me hurt


i do not wish to be hurt
but if that is the way
so be it
let it be
let it maintain
let it grow
hurt
lesson leared

i would rather be a Jack to someone's Will than not be a player in the cast at all. To be able to say I was there through all the relationships all the hooks and hell. And to have stood with you. To be able to say that I saw it all. And I stood by. And I always will, sounds so much better. Even if it never means, to known them fully.

i seem to hurt
not from physical exertion but
merely from mental and emotion wrought

to you
who is keeping you waiting
no one should shold waste your time

and you
do i fear time with you
because i fear that i may fall back in love with you

and you
is it your and i's stance that causes the pain?
that is slowly opening the door to a room full of water
enough to drown me?

god heal the pain
god give me strength

i look at information
given by a friend
someone whom i would love
to be involved with
i see what he says about
who he is
what he does
i see his preferences
his standards and requirements
i see his trepidation
and his anticipation
i think that i could fill his needs
i believe i could be the best for him
so i ask this
is it better in this instance
to push the envelope
try to redefine
or is it better
to be the one
who is standing by
always there through everything
the good and bad
the first and maybe
i could be the last
even if that were not so
i could say i was there
and i knew him
and i loved him
and still do
and always will

sometimes i think i would be better off without gay friends
just because i meet someone
and then they meet that same person
and i become second or third rate
but even then
i would much rather go through life with gay friends
than without
and let's be honest
i have the best gay friends that anyone has ever seen or heard of
and i am catching up in looks
and when the day comes that i am "equal"
i will not be vain
honesty and karma walk hand in hand
and god reigns through me with his will

i miss the you i've seen
the you in my mind
i have always thought was there
the one in front of me
is not you
not the real you at least
without the quips
the bullshit conversation
this person you appear to be
isnt you
you are better than this
in nearly every way

i miss him
i am over emotional
today... it was a hard day
when it gets late
i feel more
or maybe its not more
maybe its just perception

i find myself coming to grips with new revelations of myself
involving what seems to be feelings for men
from the same area
what is it about urbandale
why dont i just be more male
by that i mean simple

if only the stereotypes are true

i am at times
presented with such temptation
i sit alone
at times
with others to whom i am attracted
do i act
when under the influence of lifes throws
no i did not
why
inner beauty
better purpose
am i wise?
what would have happened
why dont i ever just find out
fearing to be that guy
the guy who is so shallow
but still yet cares not
if others know
of his doings
and misdoings
making him a whore
shameless
i am not that man
i dont want to be
and i keep myself from being
him

oh hell
it sounds like someone i know
someone i have loved

i have never been provoked by someones life
so much that i wish to hit them
normally i personally am being provoked by the person
this time
its her decisions

--------------------

it makes me so angry watching perfectly good people
act as fools do
close themselves off
disallow growth
and shove opportunity

----------------------

why is it that i lack all direction without goals
and why do i need someone else to help me set them?
what is it that i cannot seem to do it myself
set the goals and achieve them?

----------------------

i know good people
i just wish i could see them more
or that they would come home
it would be nice to be near this people
spend more time with them
grow more with thim
but such is life
this is not my plan
it is not my life
its a ride that i am on
and happy to enjoy and not enjoy
to learn and grow
to become better
at all costs
even if that means that i grow
beyond
the rest of the pack and feel as though
they cant catch up
they will
eventually
and it will be all the sweeter then

i think of myself at times
as alone
and i walk a single path
never to vary from it
these events are supposed to happen
i am to be frustruated and such
to wish to die at times
and know that in life
i must keep going
to accomplish anything
growing any
learning lessons
all to happen
in time
out of it
asymetric
everything planned
and i will keep going
with the knowledge
or lack there of
of when it will end
because my date is set
and i cant change it

if only now i can accept the lack of control

at times like now
my mind is flooded by things to write
in an unintelligent order
undecipherable...
do i dare write
and let judgement occur
by myself let alone others
or do i not write
and simply say

i am frustruated
with myself
my feelings
my thoughts
my friend
my loves
my life

but i dont regret a thing

its all in the plan
all in the will
i will follow unknowingly
and attempt to love
and attempt to live
for no one on earth
but for love
of life


i feel that i didnt even make sense to me

that sounds good

one tells me to be a boy
to act as a child would act
speaking what I believe to be true
being open and honest
not acting brave

i am told to be reserved
to be the adult
and not to speak hardly at all
be open and honest but not if its negative
and dont put on a front

i am told to be plain
to be boring
and to be boring is not to speak but listen
to not question what i am told
and just be neutral

i am asked what i want
and told to follow it
but what do i really want?
anything?
what part of me isnt in conflict with another?
to find a part of me that isnt
would be to find what i really dont give a shit about
maybe?
because if i want something bad enough
wouldnt there be a fight about the pros and cons
but what about what i need
am i neglecting that
am i only self serving and going after my wants?
by do i need?
what am i doing wrong?
what can i fix?
why i am so destructive?

why cant i figure out these questions

when will i

will someone care

will i?

it's amazing. i see things at times
that should be funny
but i just have a hole in my heart
and i dont know how to react
and because of such
i hide myself
from everyone
since when did i reinstate the pity party
so I dont like who I believe myself to be
and on top of that now I have feelings for someone
which complicates things
they are not unconquerable...
but what side will previal
and when?

without my past
i would be nothing
he holds this odd place in my life
will he ever be gone
how can his words still move me
if i could walk away
i would

only to walk and grow

You told me to be the little boy inside
And I insist on resisting
but tonight i found out
that i am not a little boy but a puppy
loyal, true, whiny, and outgoing
maybe not exactly what you intended
but it gets the point across yes?

Tonight I watched an entire miniseries... "The 10th Kingdom" this show was around right after Calista Flockhart bombed a TV version of Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream".... it was loosely based on all of the original fairy tales which we all grew up with. WELL 7.5 hours later I have a resolve;

I WILL READ THE ENTIRE BROTHERS GRIMM COLLECTION.

Those bitches were genius and the original ones to open childrens imaginations. It was tits.

Btw, to the power(s) that be

Tonight was you at your best. I was presented with an opportunity. And then you showed me which way it was gonna go.... ie not for what I wanted.... HAHA. Thanks. Honestly. No sarcasm.

i find myself at times
being more bothered by
extracurriculars
than by my actual life
but i come back
to find i miss things
i miss parts of myself
did i leave them behind
for good reason?
were they worked out of me?
i find myself questioning
me
for so long that i sometimes
find that i have stood still
as others moved forward
oh to bound forward again
maybe even to pass them all
and leave them
behind
me

i found pictures of he and i today
in my desk alongside things of great nature
i was kissing him in one
and standing along with greats in the other
what to say
what to think
is beyond me
Bob will be missed
Connie will heal with time
John will be happier, hopefully
David will grow
Nicole will be amazing
as for me?

I'll be here
and to say there wont be trumpets

thats just a lie

i quit my job at johnston

free time is all around me

get my money in order

so i can get my travel plans in order

Tara & Terry take me over

the world seems to be moving forward quite beautifully

i got my urbandale fix and would like some more
my family vaca to the OC wasnt bad at all
the whole money thing seems to be working out
i have two weeks left of classes and plenty of time to bust my ass

sweet

do it and finish well


reward yourself

suprisingly i still can take being asked,

so where do you go to school?
whats your major?
how is that going for ya?

blah blah blah

i dont like meeting new people that i have no or next to no affinity to.

i know my parents mean well

but right now

i am just seeing what they are doing

is tearing down my plans



oh christmas just got harder

accept how i currently feel

i found a high schooler attractive this evening
i found a friend, i think, attractive, and i think he found me attractive too

i am attached to a lot of people emotionally.

i give a lot out and don't get much, if any back

but all of my feelings for anyone, are still overshadowed by him

I want to be fluent in the language of my people. No bull shit, I want to be able to speak so well they have no idea where I grew up.

I want to sing in French and German.

I will do these things.

I think I want to drop my education major. Not to say that I would never teach, but I dont want to take 266.

VOMit

what have i left behind?

what am i missing out on now?


regardless, facing foward

i move onward

toward the future
knowing that where I have bee
what i have learned
can only help me

brighter days
brought to us all
by thought

dip all of me in rubbing alcohol
clean me and let me dry
when i am no longer damp
allow me to fly free
stretch my wings and soar


oh to fly
and not to worry
how close you are to the sun
for fear your wings
will melt

"Icarus was not an achiever..."

I am

I will be

nothing for granted

everything for learning

help me off the ground

and i will cut the sky

with my silverly form

i am a bit vain

i should look better

but in the meantime

i know i miss him

i am disguested with what he was wearing
because what he is wearing who he believes himself to be
and i know it not to be true

i am saddened by my appearance and deportment
feeling second rate and left behind and unattractive
i think about you and know nothing but assume everything

leave social situations early
supress comments for fear of a scene
thats me

i beg that i be removed

eva cassidy calm my soul
depressed repressed and opressed
i feel all of these things
when i do wrong
i pay for it
and i know it

i miss being naive sometimes

here's me being a little boy.

it does bother me.

here's me being a big boy.

i lied about it not bothering me and I am sorry.

i wonder how long it will take for me to tell him...

if you feel that you are in love with someone
and you dont love yourself

you are wrong

a person should be alone
until they can function on their own
and after that point
they are allowed to date

no one is alone.

nothing a person does is ever alone

Samuel Barber is a genius. His ballads are beyond all beauty.

I miss Ted, Elyse and Melissa already.

Andy Lamp IS my best friend.

I wish I could write like Pablo Neruda.

I suprised someone tonight.

Singers sometimes vocally masturbate, but it is still pretty sometimes.

you feel far away

and you are

and i am sad

about what?

probably that

ugh.

thank god for fall break

i miss him

i want to kick my boss

i need to practice everything more

i finally feel frustruated with Hannon

i'll wait to celebrate another year

some things have fallen into place

the rest of my life needs to do the same.

if it's not him. i don't want it.

staying true. doesn't mean i have to stay blue.

kill me. with prayers. kindness. life so beautiful.

everything was confusing before

my stomach dropped out

i drove to ames

i got eyed by someone so much

that i might as well have been having sex with them

everything is more confusing now.

i am loved. and i believe it.

first off
yes i was devastated
that lasted a short moment
i freaked and slightly hyperventilated
thats fine
it was needed
but now
i look at it as
if it happened, it was meant to
i have no control
i can not even be mad at anyone
cause wether or not i deserve it in my own eyes
it would have happened
so here is to a rededication
to kicking my own ass
spiritually
mentally
academically
vocally
here is to a new me
that in the end
is better
for all of it

i may like a boy
which may not be the best

but i cut my hair
and prayed to God
that my life would start over
and thus far
it is new
and amazing
and about the boy
he will lead me to my answer
and through my actions
to where i can be happy

tonight i was at a gathering of persons. i was one of two persons who describe themselves as homosexual. a girl was speaking to the other person who drescribes themself as homosexual and said, "there are no other gays here."

i rejoiced

and

i cried.

to the struggle

no not a toast

but a prayer.

i feel like i have more reason
to feel more in every direction
you took a single risk that i saw
and then took another
now i found another risk
and someone who is just as into you
as i am
the jealousy did spike
but was overshadowed by the fact of this risk
two times now i have seen you over a wire
synthetic site with real information
i wish you would just out with it
but you are gone too soon
people will react yes
some well some not
but in the end the ones who stay with you
are the ones who truely matter
and i am not going anywhere
like it or not

what is this feeling?
so sudden returning to me?
the feeling wanting me to return
to where i grew up
driving a hole
into the pit of my stomach
i for some time
had been fighting a feeling
of attraction to the gendered
and thought i had made serious progress
but when i heard about you
it took me back to where i was before
not destroying past work
but a path back
so here i stand
at a fork in the road
one leading forward
one leading backward
but the backward path
guarentees nothing
who says if i turn
that the world will fall
in place as i have in my head
who says he will turn to me
and the distance would hurt
i do remember the past
i know right from wrong
but the feeling
pulls me apart
to choose
is a battle
neverending

sometimes i deal with a bout of depression. lord knows how long they are gonna be. but they are gonna be. thats all that i can really know. trodge on against tomorrow. and work for the better day. and the day where i trodge less and less. as i become a better person.

cantamus calms the savage beast. or my soul.

it is the 4 o clock hour. i am bored. not tired. and i dont feel like doing anything gay. this is a great moment!

here's to a bit of re-creation.
i no longer have earrings.
i got a new blog format.

so heres to the rest;

dear homosexual persons
if i like you
please dont like my friends
and then run off with them
and then if you are my friends
please dont run of with people i like
people that are doing the sweeping
you are not my friends truely
people that are being swept
you arent worth it

apparently people with the name John are cooler than most
John Miller and John Peitzman
congratulations on being amazing and being straight
you both have an easier life next year
yes, if only Inno would realize what talking to me gets you

I still needs hugs
anybody should just dive right in
first hug
keep the prayers coming
I got past part of it
now to just clear the rest

here's to feeling a little bit walked on
by a genius no less
and i do mean genius cause he is
heres to my mentor and hero
just cause stalter tells you
that you are too talented to teach high school
i saw fuck you stalter you are ruining U Iowa
to Janiece, Cody and Teej
you guys rock my face on and off
janiece watch how friendly they are
when they lift you by your ass
Cody, keep on punching my stomach/belt
and making racial slurs
Teej be careful to not be funny
cause you arent and funny wont work for you
i meant it you arent funny
:i was smiling while i wrote Teej's::

i need a hug.
i need prayers for deliverance
anyone?

hey i am not where you think i am. i am not sure wether i want to be there or not. i am just looking around. trying to look at every option because thats SMART.

btw, hey couples, you arent helping my struggle and you really arent hurting just not happening. i am being attracted to people that i normally wouldnt be attracted to because the people are one happier than i and two they have someone. i just want Gods arms to come down from heaven and pick me up and make everything ok. so that way i know its totally possible. cause i really dont have the faith that it will all end ok. so God if you can hear me, bring me hope and faith to my life and fill it with love. anyone who reads this think about it if you arent religious and if you are religious, pray for it.

thanks

the mood changed again. i just want to scream until i bleed from my vocal chords. why do i listen to myself when i speak from two areas if not three... why do i do things wrong and somehow try to rationalize them by saying that god is in control i mean he always is... but come on even when I do things wrong? can someone help me out on this. everybody pray about me please. i need all the help i can get, in every area. sweet lord.

i keep falling, i must rededicate myself to God. I think my falling could be linked with how much activity has occurred with homosexual persons in my life namely the amount of non sexual activity involving them. Also ever since PRIDE I have had an issue with someone. And I fear talking to him about it. I cant beleive what he said and I feel like him in turn agreeing with how I felt was a total cop out. Just cause I associate with persons involved in something doesnt mean I am that originization or what it represents. I also have been looking around me lately and finding that I am gettin that feeling of loneliness ie the Lord's presence isn't strongly felt in me right now. when i am strong with him I feel no emptiness. I dont feel lost but I feel as though a part of me is missing. I know that I cannot fill that void with someone wordly it has to be someone greater than everything. leaving one option, God. but it is still hard for me to look around and see face to face relationships as well as relationships that are also purely sexual. it makes me rethink my morals, ethics and life...

do i want to teach music, people say it drives people away...
would i be happier as a slut than as someone who is more sexually conservative...
should I take time to see if any gain can come from a face to face relationship...
should i spend this much time on music now just beacuse it will help later...


and anyone that is remotely awake, sorry if this is bitch, can tell that this email is a literal fight in my brain. i mean come on between who and who. GOD and the devil. its that easy. I refuse to fall again so soon. REFUSE.

harmonic minor solfege happy birthday? don't you wish you were here? btw i love reading peoples blogs on here and myspace. it is windows into their souls like facebook... see you all at pride i'll be with my mentor and amazing author chad thompson...

sittin down
and trying to write
how i feel
when all the time
i know i am held back
for reason
but i feel without reason
i fell
and fell hard
and just kept on falling
i know i am not lost
but i am easily distracted
from the straight and narrow path
that i am trying to walk
but ya know
i put myself
into situations and dont walk or turn
away from them
so waht do i expect
a different world?
no
i can accept what i have done
because it cannot be changed
for once in my life
its not about right now
but its about the end
but without right now
there will be no end
so heres to trying to walk
the straight and narrow path
but when i fall
i will not cry
but rather look and learn
and grow from the experience
cause whats not to take away
from a negative experience?

when i hear and see people joining together as one person. especially a man and a woman, it leaves me with a sense of being lonely and lost but at the same time, it give me hope, cause if anyone around me deserves happiness, that means I should too. Right?

Read The Book: http://www.lovinghomosexuals.com
Go To The Website: http://www.inqueery.com

i cant be happy
apparently
not with just one thing
but all
apparently
i dont want what i have
i want what i cant have
why should i want at all
why should i dream at all
why should i hope
why should i care
why should i try

cause god does
hard to hear
not much comfort but one day it will be

i keep falling
the music to my ears
is not something that is pleasing
i fall
and i feel nothing
more than anything
i feel so strapped
with negative thoughts
this is not a quick change
it is a slow change
i must persevere
i must keep going
and not the the scars of falling
keep me from anything

tonight i thought that maybe people run from me in part because i challenge so many people so much

i think i can never say i love you enough and to me thats a great problem to have

i fear the end of this academic year, wow havent felt this in a while

i have these negative thoughts across the spectrum and i dont know what to do

why is christian music so true

why did i get chills when i listened to Promise

show choir gives me focus that means that its a good thing right?

i dont like falling beind
i dont like failing
i dont like waiting for word
i am impatient
i dislike a lot
too much

i like being impatient
i like being on track
i like passing hey, evening getting a's
i like knowing

elation

oh to be over him. he still was a part of my life that was needed to see the things i saw, and learn the things i learned. but now i see what he says and laugh. i hear the things and they sound crazy. i see what i never saw in him. thank the lord. i am my own. not his. he is part of me.

Pretenses and expectations
set by those outside of you
remember I am not that man
I am not my man nor that boy
I do not wish to be what
found myself to be of late
thats not wrong
at least I dont deny it

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Praise be to God the father and his son.

Let strength fill me and hope overflow.

Let me be more like you, every day.

Sleep embraces and life moves on.

hope for a better day, through you.

so, neat! this past week really did go well. things i need to do this week.

Learn "Old Red Hills Of Home" from Parade for Musical Theatre.
Go To SOV: My Fair Lady rehearsals.
Learn "Putting It Together" from Sunday In The Park With George for Musical Theatre.
Go to ALL classes this week.
Inspire Inno at Rehearsal Monday night
Work on Take Home Test for 337
Go To Iowa State Singers Rehearsal with Anton Armstrong on Tuesday night.
Write Brass Composition for 337
Go to Cedar Rapids on Saturday, for the double day!
Download all listening for 120
Get back on to the arranging horse.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am very close to my one week goal of abstinence! WOOT! How dorky and amazing is that? Very amazing and very dorky. But NOTHING is wrong with dorky. Remember I am in music, nothing we do make much sense in the mainstream.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear God,

I thank you for the strenght you have given me thus far. Tomorrow evening will pose much challenge in every way. My goal was one week, please do not let me falter beyond that. I now call for more strength to continue. Continue beyond my goal. This will help to show how great you are. How people can do anything via your help and encouragement. I will be able to apply that to many things, work, voice, piano, school... everything. Thank you.

Amen

To Do:

-Have an odd but real conversation with my estranged-ex
-Get a reccomedation for judging in Indiana
-Have a near breakdown then come flying out
-Become closer with a person whom we never expected to be closer with
-Hang out with choir directors wife for Thursday morning



oh this week in my life

lately it seems to blow to be in competition. i dont care what kind and what for. it just seems that competition for anyone that deserves to do well hasnt. and in the end shouldnt the judges of these competitions be looking to themselves and noting that they are the ones failing those who deserve it. instead we seem to give the awards and accolades to those who put nothing behind what they do. it is sad. it makes me not want to have a group in competition ever. which is ever more sad because we can learn so much from competition. but learning in so many situations anymore means taht we must feel a negative emotion first to gain something from it. death to sadness/loss to get to the happiness of the fact that the person has moved on to better.

bah i just dont know


plus being gay still isnt fun

dear god,

deliver me more strength to serve you better. and allow me to defer sinful behavior from my life.

amen

My mind says to drink
on a wednesday
my gut says not to
I go to the place where
it all is supposed to be
and find that I feel as though
I should not be there and might as well
leave
I take pictures of things I laugh at
knowing that they are not truely funny
I watch the alcoholism
I stare at one
ignore another
what does it accomplish

----------------------------------------------

My days are riddled with a battle withing
of god and satan fightin over me
for a while, it seemed I was doing well with god
but now, satan seems to be winning the past couple days
by saying such does it make it true?
by not capitilizing either of their names
what does that say?
I defile and degrade myself and soul
I make my insides bleed and god shed tears
is that what I want?
is that what Caleb wants?
Clark?
Burton?
Cale?
Aaron?
my family?
is that what I want?

-----------------------------------

I pray for deliverance
I ask for guidance on this journey
give me the strenght to ignore
give me the strength to put it to rest
give me the strenght to resist thoughts
to close my mind to evil
let yourself be the protection for my mind
I have seen more than ever intednded by you
I am wiser than ever expected
I am better than ever expected
all because of you
thank you

AMEN.

I can see all I wish to see now
and feel nothing negative
a laugh escapes my lips as response
what does that say?
I am over it and you?
How does that feel?
How do I want it to feel?
I am above it
I am below it
God is all around it
and in me
I will be saved
and will be happy

I dare the world to listen to the Real Group's song, "Gota" and not feel something. A song sung by people who are highly capable of forming words, singing a song, self composed with no words. But large meaning to all who listen to it. Maybe not the same meaning, but meaning none the less.

It brings thoughts of; hope of deliverance, pride, joy, love, laughter, frienship, contemplation, and endless more. To just close one's eyes and sink into the music is phenominal. Make's the world a little smaller, which we all need.

somedays i feel as though life gives no care to me
I pray that God guides me through this
and delivers me from what I see as negative
help to give me the strength to carry on
and life to sleep and see another day
in a more positive light
and combat homosexuality in a better way
a stronger way

AMEN

A song with
meaning plays
but meaning is gone
devoid or empty

songs that brought me to tears
no longer do
songs that warm my heart
no longer do
songs now hit the ear
and do just that

however, more and more
god seems to warm my heart
fill it to the brim and overflow
and I am more content to let it happen
more each day
for the rest of my life

I find it more and more
that boys in packs
follow the dullest one

I find it odd that
for as many "friends"
as I seem to have
I have not one to call

More and more I find
that the concept of being gay
because all I want is a man
to tell me they love me
as they hold me in their arms
to be true

I am glad that I cannot say
the things that I once said
about you and I and God
I am glad I can look at you
and not feel the overwhelming
feelings of loss and despair
I am stronger now
that I was before
and even yesterday
I am stronger "alone" for now
I walk never truely alone
always another set of prints
beside my own
who I feel more each day
will remain a friend nevere a foe
forever with me
I dare a person to say the same
and have it be true forever

------------------------------------------

God grant me a life without today
without the gay
without the hate
without the drugs
without the alcohol
grant me a day where I am stronger
than the day before and the day before
continue to grant this prayer I send up
to you
let me continue to grow in faith and hope
and know you more and more each day
so I am stronger
and better than ever before
Amen.

I cant sing for a man who does not feel
nor in an ensemble that does the same
I cannot lust out of emotion
I miss Caleb so much it hurts
Why cant I just be teaching already?
I have seen and heard such beauty
Why do I feel that I have experienced so little?
I pray to God knowing now that it is God to whom we pray
yet I do not have the faith to know he is listening
or act upon anything I pray for or about
I cry in agony over all that mulls in my mind
knowing no answers of a life confused and lost

so I hate goodbyes
but part of me
does wish to say farewell
to this place
this house that allowed
me to live there
more than allowed
wanted me to be there
it seems that things
have changed more
than with just me
it seems that opinions
have changed
to multiple degree
all said I was in
8 said I was unfit
at the current time

I say so long once more
to the person I am today
and welcome the person
that I am becoming
the people I will keep
and not leave behind
will continue
to help me grow
but then again
as will the people who
I leave behind

I guess the moral is
all things have changed
and therefore grown
so all is well

light in the dark
color in the world of black & white
heat in the baren cold
always hope
always love
always Alex

Oh the effect
on a person
of music
that music has
the innability to cope
the ability
to bear the weight
of the world
on ones shoulders

when I write
its as though
I could have
the darkest day
hour
moment
and listen
to all that is
beautiful
and the fog
is lifted from me
my day

it used to be
that reverse
could be true
yet I find
that somehow
things have changed
not of my choice
not that I mind
but darken my door
can music no longer

brighten life with music
for all music has beauty
"dont just listen to good opera,
listen to ALL opera"

-------------------------------

I seem to feel
more often than most
that I am without
a place to call home

I live in a place
that some call home
some call a house
I call it nothing
I have grown there
I have learned there
felt all there is to feel
there

yet there is a place
that I was raised in
went to school from
and returned after
a place where I took my steps
cried at night
felt lost

now I search for a place
where I can feel
all of what I have felt
except will that be home?
it may be
that I have just been leaving
what I could
should be
considering home
home is where the heart is
this house is not a home
when you are alone
what to say of love
what to say of life

who needs a home
who needs people
who needs love

I do

-------------------------------

Am I one of them
one of those people
who needs others
who needs reassurance
who needs a pat on the bag
or more?

What is wrong with
being that person
to need love
to need companionship
to need encouragement

I find myself surrounded
by great persons
who all are these people
people
who have in mosts eyes
NO reason
to be sad
anything but stellar
but they are humas
just like everyone else
yet still unique
I have people
that feel the gambit
create beauty
lack confidence
look down on themself
on others
but seem to
give encouragement
that often
they themselves dont take
we are all aware of such
hypocracy

at least we arent naive
or ignorant
we are the people
that live the life
our life
no one else living
it for us
we can walk the path
and say we gave
our all
to all

--------------------------

You sit in
like a protest
where my body
has sinned against you
so you demand rights
and an ear
in my mind

you dominate my thoughts
you dominate my breaths
my movement
my all
this I mind
normally you in my life
is a positive
but this I will not tolerate
you hurting me is not an option

I do the best to live my life
but I must keep you off
out of my mind

I now choose
to call you
on this
this day of thanks
to thank you
for all of you
every moment
every thought
everything thing
that ever included you
even by association
without you
I would not be who
I am right now
or who I will one day be

yet I call you
and the call is awkward
not of my choice
you say its nothing you do
nor is it me
I wish to say but dont
for with you
I often feel
that I am fighting
a negative
triple digit tempature
storm
up a hill
on a grade so steep
it makes me feel
as though
its not worth it
but without you
I am not who I am
nor who I will be
so why not involve you more
you have done good
annd even the negative
you could bring
will bring thought
epiphany
knowledge
happiness
in the end

-----------------------------

I havent written before or after an entry in a while. I feel as though I should. So here what I have to say in reflection of thanksgiving; THANK YOU. I took my mothers advice this year and took some time to think what I am thankful for. Rather than what, I did who. I dont wish to say, that these people are the TOPS of my list, however, these are people that I have always maintained are beyond people, they are transcendent. The following people, I am thankful for, in every way;

Burton Hable - Student, Friend, Brother, Musician, Future Colleague, Inspiration
Michael Reese - Teacher, Friend, Mentor, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Caleb Thompson - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Karen Downing - Teacher, Friend, Editor, Future Colleague, Writer, Inspiration
Clark Bowden - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Connie Mulligan - Teacher, Choreographer, Friend, Future Colleague, Inspiration
John Hickling - Teacher, Father Figure, Friend, Future Colleague, Mentor, Inspiration
Tommy Dawson - Friend, Brother, Student, Beleiver Of Love, Inspiration
Kelly Kruse - Student, Friend, Musician, Poet, Bohemian, Sister, Inspiration
Dr Simonson - Teacher, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Sarah Thompson - Student, Friend, Sister, Musician, Inspiration

Oh the effect
on a person
of music
that music has
the innability to cope
the ability
to bear the weight
of the world
on ones shoulders

when I write
its as though
I could have
the darkest day
hour
moment
and listen
to all that is
beautiful
and the fog
is lifted from me
my day

it used to be
that reverse
could be true
yet I find
that somehow
things have changed
not of my choice
not that I mind
but darken my door
can music no longer

brighten life with music
for all music has beauty
"dont just listen to good opera,
listen to ALL opera"

-------------------------------

I seem to feel
more often than most
that I am without
a place to call home

I live in a place
that some call home
some call a house
I call it nothing
I have grown there
I have learned there
felt all there is to feel
there

yet there is a place
that I was raised in
went to school from
and returned after
a place where I took my steps
cried at night
felt lost

now I search for a place
where I can feel
all of what I have felt
except will that be home?
it may be
that I have just been leaving
what I could
should be
considering home
home is where the heart is
this house is not a home
when you are alone
what to say of love
what to say of life

who needs a home
who needs people
who needs love

I do

-------------------------------

Am I one of them
one of those people
who needs others
who needs reassurance
who needs a pat on the bag
or more?

What is wrong with
being that person
to need love
to need companionship
to need encouragement

I find myself surrounded
by great persons
who all are these people
people
who have in mosts eyes
NO reason
to be sad
anything but stellar
but they are humas
just like everyone else
yet still unique
I have people
that feel the gambit
create beauty
lack confidence
look down on themself
on others
but seem to
give encouragement
that often
they themselves dont take
we are all aware of such
hypocracy

at least we arent naive
or ignorant
we are the people
that live the life
our life
no one else living
it for us
we can walk the path
and say we gave
our all
to all

--------------------------

You sit in
like a protest
where my body
has sinned against you
so you demand rights
and an ear
in my mind

you dominate my thoughts
you dominate my breaths
my movement
my all
this I mind
normally you in my life
is a positive
but this I will not tolerate
you hurting me is not an option

I do the best to live my life
but I must keep you off
out of my mind

I now choose
to call you
on this
this day of thanks
to thank you
for all of you
every moment
every thought
everything thing
that ever included you
even by association
without you
I would not be who
I am right now
or who I will one day be

yet I call you
and the call is awkward
not of my choice
you say its nothing you do
nor is it me
I wish to say but dont
for with you
I often feel
that I am fighting
a negative
triple digit tempature
storm
up a hill
on a grade so steep
it makes me feel
as though
its not worth it
but without you
I am not who I am
nor who I will be
so why not involve you more
you have done good
annd even the negative
you could bring
will bring thought
epiphany
knowledge
happiness
in the end

-----------------------------

I havent written before or after an entry in a while. I feel as though I should. So here what I have to say in reflection of thanksgiving; THANK YOU. I took my mothers advice this year and took some time to think what I am thankful for. Rather than what, I did who. I dont wish to say, that these people are the TOPS of my list, however, these are people that I have always maintained are beyond people, they are transcendent. The following people, I am thankful for, in every way;

Burton Hable - Student, Friend, Brother, Musician, Future Colleague, Inspiration
Michael Reese - Teacher, Friend, Mentor, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Caleb Thompson - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Karen Downing - Teacher, Friend, Editor, Future Colleague, Writer, Inspiration
Clark Bowden - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Connie Mulligan - Teacher, Choreographer, Friend, Future Colleague, Inspiration
John Hickling - Teacher, Father Figure, Friend, Future Colleague, Mentor, Inspiration
Tommy Dawson - Friend, Brother, Student, Beleiver Of Love, Inspiration
Kelly Kruse - Student, Friend, Musician, Poet, Bohemian, Sister, Inspiration
Dr Simonson - Teacher, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Sarah Thompson - Student, Friend, Sister, Musician, Inspiration

tell me when
I asked for
someone to love
who would not
could not
cannot love me
in return

someone whos words
is all I can get
for them to say and say
again and agian
but no action

people who
I never associated with
who breath to associate
with me
now
when I coudl care less

a house where
I loved by some
tolerated by most
and hated by few
where in the end
I will not be
a part of it

tell me
when I asked for
this life
this talent
this knowledge
these people
the events
that scattered
create my life

I may not have asked
for all of this
but without it
I am not
alive
me
myself
I

Give me wood
to fuel the fire
that was started

heres the thing
you gave me the wood
but do I choose
to throw the wood
into the flames
NO

by throwing I could
knock the burnt
logs apart
but the fire
could
spread or die
the possibility
of it spreading
stops me

so I sit and debate
watch the fire
or ignore it

or embrace the fire
let it warm me
let it lift me up
know that the fire
will go nowhere
and will soon end
while I
will travel
move
and grow and truely never die
as long as I made
the impact
I wish to

"I Remember"
Lyrics & Music by Stephen Sondheim
from Evening Primrose (1966)

----------------------

I remember sky
It was blue as ink
Or at least I think
I remember sky.

I remember snow
Soft as feathers
Sharp as thumb tacks
Coming down like lint
And it made you squint
When the wind would blow.


And ice like vinyl
On the streets
Cold as silver
White as sheets
Rain like strings
And changing things
Like leaves.


I remember leaves
Green as spearmint
Crisp as paper.
I remember trees
Bare as coat racks
Spread like broken umbrellas.


And parks and bridges,
Ponds and zoos,
Ruddy faces,
Muddy shoes,
Light and noise and
Bees and boys
And days.


I remember days,
Or at least I try.
But as years go by
They're sort of haze,
And the bluest ink
Isn't really sky
And at times I think
I would gladly die
For a day of sky.

Its odd
when you acheive
yet are still behind
when people see not
the strides you have made
and they push you down
and try to hold
you back
but there are always
those few
who support you
stand behind you
next to you
encouraging you
loving you
I am one for you
be one for me
for if we all do so
the world will only
be a better place

---------------------

Yours words have
no correlation
to the actions
which you take
you say such things
to make one beleive
then take that beleif
and rip it from
their hands
throw it to the ground
and grind it
into the ground
as if
to attempt to make
it never have existed
but I know
it did
and if you are my friend
I will take you to the mount
and challenge you
about it
for your own growth
but if you are not
a friend
I will grow to be one
and do the same
I will make you better
just as you will me
whether we like it
or not

---------------------------------


If you say you are
my friend
whether I beleive it
or not
I will debate it
and if I dare to
tell you of your errs
of your blindness
if you are say
that you are my friend
I think I must
treat you as such
whether you want it
or not
its up to you
say it or not
have me or not
it up to you

--------------------------

They say
that knowledge
is power
ever though
that it could be
a burden?
that losing one's
naievty
is like
when Eve
bit the apple
and her eyes
were opened
to see the err
to see the beauty
can be a burden
unheard of by some
but to live with such
is a blessing
because
one must
look not only
at the positive
but the negative
to understand
to grow
to change
because
without the dark
there is no light
just like good and bad
two sides to every sword
both cut
and teach
knowledge is
not to be taken
lightly

--------------------------

the idea of north
to have set directions
a star to guide you
always there
to help
the lost

the idea of north
to provide direction
to freedom
from a system
unchanged
of evil
deliverance

the idea of north
the idea of south
the idea of east
the idea of west

the idea that all directions
lead
too any place
that you could imagine
but know
thats not the end
theres always up
beyond the sky
beyond the stars
to your dreams
away from home
to places
of discomfort
of growth
of change
exploration
the idea of new
the idea of old
the concept
the reality

Am I afraid to write about you?
to think about you
does it hurt
it does make me sick
sometimes
the thoughts of you
lead to your conquests
your acheivements
but I Love You
and they dont
I am worth it
You are worth it
We arent a waste

----------------------------

Cheesy lyrics
can have good meaning
message
bad music
can have good motives
repeating
to listen beyond
our dispositions
to what was meant
to be heard
is the true meaning
the real challenge
part of life

------------------------

I have been told I run
maybe its me not settling
but it could be
that I just run
from city to city
place to place
trying to find whats easier
in the end
there will be growth
there will be change
and thats whats needed
maybe I need time off
a little break
does life allow that?

---------------------------

You are at times
where I want to be
to a point
the place you reside
currently
is a place
that could nurture
a passion I have
but the city itself
miserable
but to move there
carries so much
positivity
at first sight
but so many angers
at second glance
doing it for you
or me
or both
is there anything wrong
in the end
with any of those
follow with head
follow with heart
if i end up close to you
there is no way
I can say
that it is not you
or that it is
no answer good enough

---------------------------

to the one who I Love more than life itself. More than anyone else. In a different way than all other Love. I Love You. Trey Critz. I hope you continue to realize that more and more. And that its ok. If not good that I Love You. I hope you continue to find out how much you care for me.

to the ones who I call friends. I love you all. Feel lucky just like I feel luck yo know you all. Be thankful for eachother. Rejoice. Continue the great things you do.

Do you have those people?
the ones that do those things
that you love
do the things you hate
make you want to die
beacuse they are so talented
or just make you want to die

do you have the people I have?
the ones that prove you wrong
and you are happy about it
the ones that make you feel
like you and your life
are totally worth it
that give the hugs
that you dont want to let go during

do you have those people?
do you ever forget them
and feel bad when you remember them
just be thankful
you ever had them at all

-------------------------------------

ideas
alone
combined with eachother
can provide
bridges over things that divide
like a block
for writers
but still
is alone
the idea worse?
can you judge it?

-------------------------------------

another hundred people just got off of the train
and i dont want a single one of them
i want the one who sleeps on the train
the one whom some fear
some loathe and some respect
the one I love
the one who refuses to get off the train
for a reason which is beyond me
but i wish to know
so i will get on
the train

------------------------------------

July 19, 2005
I met the man
who little did i know
would help to change
my life
providing me
with memories
in all senses
making it hard
to breath
without him
to live
without him
to return to the place
we went to
together
where we created
memories
the day
those days
the times
he
will live
forever

-------------------------

Another holocaust
is an intersting
idea
maybe one of me
a self holocaust
where all that should end
will
perish
ideas
thoughts
meanings

OK
Ill have a holocaust
a self holocaust
what will it be
a holocaust of association
no more people shall be
in my life
if they arent worth my time
they can waste someone elses time
dead to me
is dead to the world
because I exist
in MY world

11/2/05: 1 O Clock Hour - Trey Collection

------------------------------------------------

He calls me crazy
for what?
Loving him?
I think of him
when I am beside him
and when I am not
I worry
for every part of him
every action he does
for all of his habits
smoking
drinking
drugs
every nasty thing
that I myself can associate with
I love him none the less
he associates with so much
that I do not care for
dare I say hate
but I do not judge him
he is attacked
and I stand to defend
not that the attackers matter
but that he does
I dare say
that i wish
that i hadnt met him
so that I wouldnt feel these things
but as Eve in the garden
if it were not for her wrong
we would not have what we have
I thank and curse
our creator for what we have
the great and negative
the spectrum
makes things how they are
from my pain
I find joy
because of my digust
and dare I say hate
I have found Love

----------------------

I am unhappy here
where I am
just as you would be
unhappy here
I wish to move
from this place
is that running?
the place where
I wish to go
is near where
you are
is that running
to you?
Everywhere I go
anything I say
whatever I do
you are there
because I Love
You
When I speak
I hear you
not telling me
what to say
or how to speak
but telling me
the things
you told me
when we laid
together
that morning
and cried
Wherever I go
I feel you
the Love
I have for you
a constant reminder
of purpose
of passion
Of Love
Whatever I do
I have you
not telling me
what action
to take
or not
but standing
behind me
supporting me

wether or not you want that
I have it
a Love for you
undying
always will I remember
You
and what you help me
to see
to know
to feel
all the things I felt
when I was with you
you did not
make
me feel them
I felt them
of choice
you merely introduced them to me
look at you
you felt them once
look how great you are
regardless if you see it or not
I see it
your greatness
your acheivement
you cannot take away
my feelings
or visions
and I cannot
make
you see or understand you
but I will be there
for you
Loving you
as all I can
even if you dont want me

----------------------------

Your apartment
smells of pot
Adam sits stoned
on that couch
with 70s print
Avery's room
is strewn
with all that is her
scene
the kitchen
not pink
not dirty
an empty box of wine
a laugh a escapes
my lips
your cat
the escape artists
lies waiting
watching the door
your room
dark
items strewn about
circles blanket
covers the window
cds against the wall
computer
open to myspace
tense
uncomfortable talk
escapes our lips
signals subdued
reach me
you leave the room
many a time
I stay
we return to the room
and you mention a nap
you dont want me to leave
I call you on it
we stand
embrace
feel the warmth
the comfort
the familiarity
we both want it
want eachother
the love
the warmth
words escape me
telling him
of how I worry
and miss him
he agrees

the closest he has come

I tell him I Love Him
how much I care
anything I want to say
I say
I feel great
he calls it heavy
and wants me to leave
I hear his heart
cry out
in pain
his brain slaps his heart
the command to leave repeated
I know my power
I attempt a use
his brain is too in control
his heart numbed and mute
but not deaf
we embrace again
I feel his heart
his brain pulls away

I know I reach him
the one I knew once
the one who Loves me
I hope
that it will be enough
for him to know
to realize
to come to accept
the Love

----------------------------

I wrote down
"What are we?"
in regards to you
to attempt to write
on what we are
and I look to it
as I tried to finish this
but found
I knew the answer
you are you
and I myself
But
I Love You
and thats what we are
ourselves
and I Love You
that simple

Have you ever been passionate
about anything?
cause i have

every time i hear a tune
i weep
for all it means

Why do i love you
the way i do?

-----------------------

The people I love
dont compare to you

the words i write
to express myself
mean nothing
when placed around you
you shine light
through them
makeing them
transparent
leaving nothing
but my wordless
endless
love

---------------------

Every tear i shed
is for you
but worry not
they are for my love
for you
not from pain

you do not cause me pain
the master plan does
you did not do these things
nor did i
they happened
and we let them
because we cannot control them
but i love you
wether you say it or not
i love you

-------------------------------------

Trying to find the words
for poetic meaning
bites

trying to be original
when all things have been said
bites

But none of it means anything
you enter my mind
and ruin all progressive thought

but is ruin the right word?

No

you are my light
my guidance
you are everything
you dont want to be
in me
for me
but its what i want
you
just you
forever

-----------------------------

(Poem inspired by form of "The Early Bird" By Ted Kooser)

Now silent with dead air
on the edge of one more tomorrow

and there is still hope
the light still shines

making all that doesnt matter
transparent

love it seems remains
to reign overall

purging the bad
from the day

out of the negative
win over loss

one moment at a time

where do i go?
how do i feel?
someone give me
some fucking direction
i have questions
that will never be answered
because to say the least
i cant handle them
how do i accept that?
how do i not get out
of my bed in the morning?
how when i do
od people not recognize
the triumph of all of that?
how do i love
and lose that love
how do i dare be attracted
to someone i dont love
i want a physicality
but i know
that it wont fill the void
did i truely love him
does he love me
does he care?
why do i fuck up life
how do i manage to miss
2 lessons of growth and learning
why do i feel like god
hates me
why does nothing seem to go my way
that i truely care about
why do the things i thought
that i once care about
mean nothing to me now?
why do i feel
so good around
a woman
why does she love me
why does it hurt to hear it?
why does it hurt to know
that even if i was straight
that there could be no us
why do i feel like
the world is out to end me
that i have things
hidden from me
that i will never know
why am i blessed with what i have
when none of it means much to me
compared to love
compared ot him
but does he mean that much?
why do i not go to class?
why do i lie about things
why do i avoid my life
why did i stop taking my meds
what is keeping me from killing myself
cause i would love to know
what it is
and thank it
for what it is
be it an angel
and person
a memory
an event
whatever it is
it is my strength
my rock in a weary land
my old school valley singers
my Iowa State Singers
my music
my beauty
my truth
my freedom
my love
why is it that only in poems
i have clarity
but only following
wading through the questions
and negativity
what keeps me from jumping to this point
but even with clarity
why wont the questions stop
or quiet
always loud
always constant
grant me peace
grant my quiet
grant me serenity
grant me more strength
grant me your god
your religion
something to beleive in
something to make it make sense
not this
grant me this to be over

"Don't Cry" - As performed by Seal

Don't be so hard on yourself.
Those tears are for someone else.
I hear your voice on the phone.
I hear you feel so alone.
My baby.
Ohh my baby.
Please my baby,
My baby,
When we were young,
And truth was paramount.
We were older then,
And we lived our life without any doubt.
Those memories,
They seem so long ago.
What's become of them? When you feel like me I want you to know.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry,
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry,
Tonight.
My baby.
Today I dreamed,
Of friends I had before.
And I wonder why.
The ones who care don't call anymore.
My feelings hurt.
But you know I overcome the pain.
And I'm stronger now,
There can't be a fire unless there's a flame.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry.
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry oh...
Limousines and sycophants,
Don't leave me now,
Cause I'm afraid what you've done to me.
Is now the wolf.
In my bed,
In my head.
In my head.
In my head.
The challenges, we took were hard enough.
They get harder now.
Even when we think that we've had enough.
Don't feel alone,
Cause it's I you understand.
I'm your sedative,
Take a piece of me whenever you can.
Don't cry.... you're not alone.
...don't be so hard on yourself...
Don't cry.... tonight my baby
...Those tears are for.....someone else...
Don't cry.... you'll always be loved
...I hear your voice on the phone...
Don't cry.... tonight sweet baby
...I hear you feel... so alone.
Don't cry... don't cry... don't cry... don't you cry...
Cry... Don't cry...
Cause you still be loved
Don't cry
Don't cry tonight
Ohh..
My baby my baby my baby my baby my baby my baby my baby
my baby my baby my my baby my baby my baby my baby mymy baby my baby my baby
My baby....
Don't cry tonight
You'll still be loved

-------------------------------

I thought randomly of Seal tonight. I was all the sudden drawn back to this song which I fell in love with for a while. I went on this whole rampage of how it needs to be done as a show choir ballad arranged by Jason Krigas. Amazing disonances into more dumbfounding consanances... it'd just be awesome. Today I went without meds ... day 2 without meds... up and down all day long. Thats how it worked... my nights seemed to horrible anymore... really bad... this song, just made me think of a mantra I should apply to myself. Just like a mantra I hate, "Don't Cry". Just like the mantra I think Trey lives by. I dont know anymore... I Love Trey Critz. And so badly want to beleive he loves me. But no words have come. And I try not to doubt that they will... hm... Love is the best and worst emotion ever. End of that.

"Sun & Moon" From Miss Saigon

[KIM]
You are sunlight and I moon
Joined by the gods of fortune
Midnight and high noon
Sharing the sky
We have been blessed, you and I

[CHRIS]
You are here like a mystery
I'm from a world that's so different
From all that you are
How in the light of one night
Did we come so far?

[KIM]
Outside day starts to dawn

[CHRIS]
Your moon still floats on high

[KIM]
The birds awake

[CHRIS]
The stars shine too

[KIM]
My hands still shake

[CHRIS]
I reach for you

[BOTH]
And we meet in the sky!

[KIM]
You are sunlight and I moon
Joined here
Bright'ning the sky
With the flame
Of love

[BOTH]
Made of
Sunlight
Moonlight
-------------------------

"Listen To My Heart" Written By David Friedman

Here we are, you and I at last.
in the right place, at the right time.
Every dream I've dreamed have come to pass,
cause you're right here, and your all mine.
I can't believe the years of holding back are through.
And I can finally share what's in my heart, with you...
Listen, listen.
Listen to my heart, listen to it sing.
Listen to my voice, it wants to tell you everything.
There's so much to say, I don't know where to start.
But if you want to know the love I'm feeling,
listen to my heart.
All my life, I've been on a road.
Going one way, toward one dream.
The road would wind, and down it I would go.
Always searching, never finding.
But even in my darkest hour I always knew that
someday, somehow, the road would lead to you.
And words can't express how my heart's filled with
happiness. Listen to it.
Listen to my heart, listen to it sing.
Listen to my voice, it wants to tell you everything.
Listen to my song, listen to it soar.
I've waited all my life for this one moment.
I'm not waiting anymore.
Listen to my heart, as it cries for all the years
that it was lonely.
Listen to my heart, as it smiles to know that now,
after so long, I can finally sing my song.
And you're here, and you're listening, you're listening.
Listen to my voice, as it will tell you everything.
All about a life that's just about to start.
For if you want to know how much I love you,
listen to my heart. Listen to my heart.
------------------------------------------------------

"One More Night" - as performed by Phil Collins

One more night, one more night
I've been trying ooh so long to let you know
Let you know how I feel
And if I stumble if I fall, just help me back
So I can make you see

Please give me one more night, give me one more night
One more night cos I can't wait forever
Give me just one more night, oh just one more night
Oh one more night cos I can't wait forever

I've been sitting here so long
Wasting time, just staring at the phone
And I was wondering should I call you
Then I thought maybe you're not alone

Please give me one more night, give me just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
Please give me one more night, ooh just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
Give me one more night, give me just one more night
Ooh one more night, cos I can't wait forever

Like a river to the sea
I will always be with you
And if you sail away
I will follow you

Give me one more night, give me just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
I know there'll never be a time you'll ever feel the same
And I know it's only words
But if you change your mind you know that I'll be here
And maybe we both can learn

Give me just one more night, give me just one more night
Ooh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
Give me just one more night, give me just one more night
Ooh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
-----------------------------------------------------------

"You Were Meant For Me" - as performed by Sting

life was a song, you came along
I lie awake the whole night through
If i should dare, to think you care
this is why I said to you
you were meant for me,
and i was meant for you
nature freshen too and when she was done
you were all those good things, roll into one
you're like a plative melody, that never less will be
I'm content that the angel must have sent you
and they made you just for me.
you're like a plative melody, that never less will be
I'm content that the angel must have sent you
and they made you just for me
-----------------------------------------------------------

"Can't Stop Loving You" - as performed by Phil Collins

So you’re leaving
In the morning
On the early train
But I could say everything’s alright
And I could pretend and say goodbye

Got your ticket
Got your suitcase
Got your leaving smile
Oh, I could say that’s the way it goes
And I could pretend and you won’t know
That I was lying

Because I can’t stop loving you
No, I can’t stop loving you
No, I won´t stop loving you
Why should i

We took a taxi
To the station
Not a word was said
And I saw you walk across the road
For maybe the last time, I don’t know

Feeling humble
Heard a rumble
On the railway track
And when I hear the whistle blow
I walk away and you won’t know
That i´ll be crying

Because I can’t stop loving you
No, I can’t stop loving you
No, I won’t stop loving you
Why should i

Even try
I´ll always be here by your side (why why why)
I never wanted to say goodbye
I´m always here if you change, change your mind

So your leaving
In the morning
On the early train
But I could say everything´s alright
And I could pretend and say goodbye
But that would be lying,no

Because I can´t stop loving you
(can´t stop loving you)
No, I can´t stop loving you
(I won´t stop loving you)
No, I won´t stop loving you
Why should I even try
Because I can´t stop loving you
(can´t stop loving you)
No, I can´t stop loving you
(that´s all I can do)
No, I won´t stop loving you
Why should i
(why should I)
Why should i
(tell me why)
Why should I even try
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
=================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have had some "fun" the past couple days. I ran out of meds. So Monday was a fun day. Then I realized I need to kick my own ass in piano. So I did. And I continue to. More each day. Oh and the same goes for voice too. I am doing NATS. WOO?!? Oh and then TODAY! Piano, Voice, actually goin to classes, piano class, a aural exam, and then an interview since I am gay. woo?!? Oh and then all of the sudden I have a "Down with Love" moment and hate the world. Then I start listneing to music, start crying... thats a definate NO WOO. So here are the songs that really got to me.

I take pills
To regulate my mood
To alleviate the negative
So that everything will
Have a cheery disposition
The negative thoughts
Still occur in my mind
However not as prevalent
I think these pills numb
Me to all that I do feel
To the pain of love
To the pangs of yearning
Do they hinder
My want to go to him
My desire for love
Do they block my memory
Of all that we had
Or do these pills make me
Think everything is good
That everything regardless
Will end up in the end
Cheery as it all started
Do I really want this
This affected life?
---------------------------Why is it
That I wish
To run to you
And yet I stop
Myself from that
When more than anything
I wish to be near you
To feel your warmth
Your slight frame
To smell the smoke
On your being
To touch you
To hold you close
And never let go
Because I love you
But I stay away
Miles to go to get to you
That could be crossed so easily
But yet it seems
As though I do not wish to go
Although the yearning
Burns intensely as
The full moon shines
On a dark night
With a barren sky
When will the day
Come where I stand
And run to you
------------------------
The day will come
That I will run
Straight to you
But what will you say
How will you respond
Will you accept me
With open arms
Or will you remain
As distant as we currently
Stand apart
And distanced
The demeanor that cuts
So deep that the wounds
Will not heal
They will only bleed
I wish
More than anything
That you will not stand
That you will run to meet
Me on road
And embrace me
Just like you once did
And that things will start
From the moment they stopped
For they never have
It was only quiet
But never done
Never will it end
Even when we both end
This will not be the end
Of the love I have for you
And the love I hope and wish
That you have for me
------------------------------------
I can say the things
I wish to hear you say to me
I Love You
You say that you do
Not wish to be hurt
And you did not wish to start
Or end the way things did
But I Love You
And will remain doing such
Until the end of time
And if those words
Are never uttered by you
There will be a part of me
That will burn intensely for them
But I do Love You
And that what counts
Because nothing can change my Love
For you
Your actions seem to speak
So much louder than words
And I wish to interpret
Your actions as such
To say that you love me
But I do not wish to assume
I do not wish to hurt more than I do
So I do not lead
I do not jump
I do not wait but
I won’t mind
If they come