i came home
to a place i deplore
and adore
for all the wrong
and all the right reasons

i was ready to get back to work
but had some things to clean up
i bowed my head
and took my lashes
but still had nothing to work on

by the time i received
what i was supposed
to work on
i was so distracted
i never got anything done
and i do mean
anything

i fucked things up with my best friend
and was shown
that a few people i know
were more than just merely petty

school starts
and i am raring to go
two days well played
day three

things crumbled

i can only hope
and attempt to make
day four and onward
be the best they can be

but this shit scares me
i don't want things to fall
further
apart

i want to be better
i wish to by my best

so i can get out of this place
this place
where the fences hold me in
and the sky seems to hold me down

i wish i was free to decide
trusted by those i give my trust to

i wish things weren't so complicated
like me

i wish i didn't feel the need to
go back to
counseling

but i feel alone
without a single ally

the cheese stands proverbially alone
and the farmer
who in some way
is associated with this dell
seems to give two shits
whether or not a rat picks me up and carries me away

blah
this is shit

i have returned to the flood plains
for lack of better monicker

and i have begun to wonder
if it is in fact
that the discourse
and unrest i feel
is due to
myself
or my experiences
mind you very well
that both are at times
one in the same

i merely wonder if these feelings are
good
or bad
possibly if they can be even deemed
as such

but what of how i feel
where is it coming from
and why
time and timing
reality versus
idealism

where does this stem from
and if possible
do i cut it down

the ancient world says
that we were born
with two heads
and four legs
in this form we were happy

the gods in their
wisdom
threw down lightening bolts
that split everyone in two

and by this action
we were forever to wander
the earth
in search of our other half

our soul mates

i used to think that soul mates
were true
and that there is only one match for one
puzzle piece

i grew to believe
that there were many pieces
that fit together
some better than others

now i wonder
whether or not either is true

i find myself
now
even during a time
that i would not describe as great
finding myself happy
and contented
in my own action
following my own heart

however
maybe half is complete
if soul mates do exist
so my emptiness
was two thirds
of one half

instead of one half of the whole
never to feel complete
until the other half is found

summer is ending
so well
i make a decision
that fucks up
maybe necessarily my relationship with
the one man i care more about
than anyone

and i was supposed to go to wedding
note supposed
i knew i wasn't welcome
but i was someone's date
and was pushed out
surprise surprise
jess was right

congrats to the petty
meddling is so highly looked upon

how was i supposed to react to this news
that was yet to be made official

vomit
it is amazing that i allow certain things to be
on my radar
when i clearly should not

thinking of you, even in movies that launched the career of a woman who would go on to act in early seasons of "Saved by the Bell." And later inspired a remake that would launch the career of a cokehead.

this endlessly reminds me of the morning we left london.

give me every cliche
or adage
that would apply to this situation
these moments
the thoughts in my head
heart and soul

because if i knew how to quit you
i would want to
whether or not i would
is a separate matter

if i could have you erased
a la eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
i would want to
whether or not i would
is all together divided

love is forever a torn
ideal
to allow someone that far in
without losing yourself

there are bound to be problems
and we can only hope there will be good

so here is to what i have said i am
a conflicting ball of emotions and ideas

i am a neutron cloud
a flying mass of ideas that are bound to collide
and when they do
i will have to come to the reality
of what i am
conflicted

in love
with you
still

watching the fagmalion episodes of will and grace breaks my heart. i wonder why? anyone wanna clue my sarcastic ass in?

i don't want to be in a one night stand with you
or even just a bender
i want to be with you forever

just give me a chance
not only you
but the universe
grant me the one thing i have circled for years

i am sick of the self preservation
wishing i was through with all of the things i do
in the end
to myself

i have said
that it is better to stand nearby you
than be apart from you
even when i have to watch things that hurt me
but i think the time has come
that maybe
standing so near
is causing me pain
in and of itself

on some level many of the things i have said in the past were true
and one stands to this day
still
maybe it isn't right

but maybe you don't deserve me
i may not always believe
those that compliment me
but i am not hideous
i am worthy of time and energy
give me a chance
pick me up off the floor where you seem to discard me
we get closer
and it hurts more
because i gain more knowledge and access
to the things you hid from me
for whatever reason

i love you
i have for the better part of a decade
when will this endgame begin
or end