its an interesting feeling
attempting to unload
release back into
the wild

your
friends

losing them for whatever reason
not enjoyable

realizing that
some things
are merely superficial
a different
kettle of fish

all in all
it never ceases to amaze me
that friends
are always on my mind
and in my heart


this all felt quite trite but
with the best of intentions

i can do all i want
to attempt to not remember
not to forget
but to pass forward
beyond where you reside
in my memory

but day or days
hours or moments later
you return
as if
knocking on the door
ringing the bell
patiently waiting
smiling
through the shades

hello again
welcome home

you are a welcomed guest
whether i will be happy in the end
is debatable

here's what i want to say
what i know may need
to sing
to make you understand

i want my friends back
my life
my family
my fire
my passion
determination
honesty
love

i can't seemingly go backward
i cannot recreate the past
nor even similar conditions

doesn't mean i don't want to try
but that doesn't mean i will

god help me

another Linda Ronstadt feature. and James Ingram.

holds true. to this thought of mine. regardless the cheese.

let me be challenged
yell all you want
i am hyper critical
and that guides me rather well

i try to take control of the little things
my diet
my body
my soul
my heart

but my mind won't ever fall in line
neither will my heart
or my soul
or my body

now my diet...
there is an interesting idea
vegetarian

i just want my friends back
i want to have things be simple
i want to be in love
and be loved
i want to feel free
i want to fly
i want to be done with this state
and with this frame of mind

i want and want
i dream and dream
and i attempt to do and try

breathe motherfucker
breathe

let go

rain fall
breeze blow

sleep when it gets to hard
and get back up and try again

how do you have free time
how do you have free energy

how are you supposed to hang out with your friends
when their schedules are just as bad as your own

how do you relax
when your brain just won't slow the fuck down

how do you relearn
something you thought you already knew

how do you stay sane
when you feel like everything around you
can only add up
to you becoming crazy

these three
hang in my mind
eternally

i wonder why i am so possessive
not necessarily by action
but by emotion and feeling
surely

i don't want you to be friends with anyone
that could take you away from me
because i want to be with you

i fear that one
i know
would again remove you from me
or by my own choice
i would remove myself from
the two

i dont wish to be without you
and i desire not anyone to have you
but myself

but again reality is nagging
the possibility may yet not have arisen
the stars not aligned
however
even more possible
is that it may never be
and this may be one sided
forever

i love you
have loved you
and will continue to love you
for i see no end to what i feel
for
about
you

the reality of height in pairing

i wrote down the phrase

the reality of height in pairing

and i looked back at what i wrote
and am but only confused
ideas come and go
but not a one feels right

i wonder to myself
if it was
my reality
that petty height
can
and for some reason
does play quite a role in regards to
those i find attractive

does that idea make me vain
that i require a certain height
or desire
for lack of better terms

now sits
that maybe
in pairing
a subconscious ruling
holds us to its will
making sure that a natural balance occurs
like light to dark
tension to release

whatever did i intend
when i wrote
that phrase

its amazing what technology has done
even from the very beginning
the advent of the pencil to cross the quill
and there in turn comes the pen

the creation of the manual typewriter
to the electric
to the computer

we now can bury information in a picture
the way a newscaster sometimes
tried to bury the lead

but ever since the beginning of time
and written communication
there has been unused
space

space between letters
words
lines
the margins
and the letters themselves
made of negative space

space for meaning

within the margins there are a those words that wish to spill
forth from whatever means you have to write
to explain the idiosyncrasies of what you truly mean
to help the reader to explain
yourself

to read between the lines
to find the true meaning

to feel the love inside of the p b d and q

it is only too unfortunate
that to fill a medium completely
may mean nothing

that is why color can sometimes speak beyond words
or why a picture can speak droves

so here is the space between
the gravity and pull that holds it all together

goodbye
seems to be one of those words
that pervades language
from tongue to tongue

everyone has a word for it
and no one really likes saying it
not at least
with its true intent
good
bye

modern lyricists and songwriters
seem to reach a point
in their careers
where a goodbye song
is inevitable

as goodbye is
in and of itself
inevitable
in life

some of the most amazing songs
surround that word
that idea

even now
as i write this
i find a new song
i have never heard

that touches the very heart of me

that word
i never want to say
especially to you

but the days will come
where part of me wishes to speak those words

don't let those days fool you
because as far as i am concerned
my brain can think all it wants
my heart will speak
even when its hard
and it continues to tell me
that it loves you
and won't ever stop

these really are all the words i can muster.

i came home
to a place i deplore
and adore
for all the wrong
and all the right reasons

i was ready to get back to work
but had some things to clean up
i bowed my head
and took my lashes
but still had nothing to work on

by the time i received
what i was supposed
to work on
i was so distracted
i never got anything done
and i do mean
anything

i fucked things up with my best friend
and was shown
that a few people i know
were more than just merely petty

school starts
and i am raring to go
two days well played
day three

things crumbled

i can only hope
and attempt to make
day four and onward
be the best they can be

but this shit scares me
i don't want things to fall
further
apart

i want to be better
i wish to by my best

so i can get out of this place
this place
where the fences hold me in
and the sky seems to hold me down

i wish i was free to decide
trusted by those i give my trust to

i wish things weren't so complicated
like me

i wish i didn't feel the need to
go back to
counseling

but i feel alone
without a single ally

the cheese stands proverbially alone
and the farmer
who in some way
is associated with this dell
seems to give two shits
whether or not a rat picks me up and carries me away

blah
this is shit

i have returned to the flood plains
for lack of better monicker

and i have begun to wonder
if it is in fact
that the discourse
and unrest i feel
is due to
myself
or my experiences
mind you very well
that both are at times
one in the same

i merely wonder if these feelings are
good
or bad
possibly if they can be even deemed
as such

but what of how i feel
where is it coming from
and why
time and timing
reality versus
idealism

where does this stem from
and if possible
do i cut it down

the ancient world says
that we were born
with two heads
and four legs
in this form we were happy

the gods in their
wisdom
threw down lightening bolts
that split everyone in two

and by this action
we were forever to wander
the earth
in search of our other half

our soul mates

i used to think that soul mates
were true
and that there is only one match for one
puzzle piece

i grew to believe
that there were many pieces
that fit together
some better than others

now i wonder
whether or not either is true

i find myself
now
even during a time
that i would not describe as great
finding myself happy
and contented
in my own action
following my own heart

however
maybe half is complete
if soul mates do exist
so my emptiness
was two thirds
of one half

instead of one half of the whole
never to feel complete
until the other half is found

summer is ending
so well
i make a decision
that fucks up
maybe necessarily my relationship with
the one man i care more about
than anyone

and i was supposed to go to wedding
note supposed
i knew i wasn't welcome
but i was someone's date
and was pushed out
surprise surprise
jess was right

congrats to the petty
meddling is so highly looked upon

how was i supposed to react to this news
that was yet to be made official

vomit
it is amazing that i allow certain things to be
on my radar
when i clearly should not

thinking of you, even in movies that launched the career of a woman who would go on to act in early seasons of "Saved by the Bell." And later inspired a remake that would launch the career of a cokehead.

this endlessly reminds me of the morning we left london.