Pretenses and expectations
set by those outside of you
remember I am not that man
I am not my man nor that boy
I do not wish to be what
found myself to be of late
thats not wrong
at least I dont deny it

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Praise be to God the father and his son.

Let strength fill me and hope overflow.

Let me be more like you, every day.

Sleep embraces and life moves on.

hope for a better day, through you.

so, neat! this past week really did go well. things i need to do this week.

Learn "Old Red Hills Of Home" from Parade for Musical Theatre.
Go To SOV: My Fair Lady rehearsals.
Learn "Putting It Together" from Sunday In The Park With George for Musical Theatre.
Go to ALL classes this week.
Inspire Inno at Rehearsal Monday night
Work on Take Home Test for 337
Go To Iowa State Singers Rehearsal with Anton Armstrong on Tuesday night.
Write Brass Composition for 337
Go to Cedar Rapids on Saturday, for the double day!
Download all listening for 120
Get back on to the arranging horse.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am very close to my one week goal of abstinence! WOOT! How dorky and amazing is that? Very amazing and very dorky. But NOTHING is wrong with dorky. Remember I am in music, nothing we do make much sense in the mainstream.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear God,

I thank you for the strenght you have given me thus far. Tomorrow evening will pose much challenge in every way. My goal was one week, please do not let me falter beyond that. I now call for more strength to continue. Continue beyond my goal. This will help to show how great you are. How people can do anything via your help and encouragement. I will be able to apply that to many things, work, voice, piano, school... everything. Thank you.

Amen

To Do:

-Have an odd but real conversation with my estranged-ex
-Get a reccomedation for judging in Indiana
-Have a near breakdown then come flying out
-Become closer with a person whom we never expected to be closer with
-Hang out with choir directors wife for Thursday morning



oh this week in my life

lately it seems to blow to be in competition. i dont care what kind and what for. it just seems that competition for anyone that deserves to do well hasnt. and in the end shouldnt the judges of these competitions be looking to themselves and noting that they are the ones failing those who deserve it. instead we seem to give the awards and accolades to those who put nothing behind what they do. it is sad. it makes me not want to have a group in competition ever. which is ever more sad because we can learn so much from competition. but learning in so many situations anymore means taht we must feel a negative emotion first to gain something from it. death to sadness/loss to get to the happiness of the fact that the person has moved on to better.

bah i just dont know


plus being gay still isnt fun

dear god,

deliver me more strength to serve you better. and allow me to defer sinful behavior from my life.

amen

My mind says to drink
on a wednesday
my gut says not to
I go to the place where
it all is supposed to be
and find that I feel as though
I should not be there and might as well
leave
I take pictures of things I laugh at
knowing that they are not truely funny
I watch the alcoholism
I stare at one
ignore another
what does it accomplish

----------------------------------------------

My days are riddled with a battle withing
of god and satan fightin over me
for a while, it seemed I was doing well with god
but now, satan seems to be winning the past couple days
by saying such does it make it true?
by not capitilizing either of their names
what does that say?
I defile and degrade myself and soul
I make my insides bleed and god shed tears
is that what I want?
is that what Caleb wants?
Clark?
Burton?
Cale?
Aaron?
my family?
is that what I want?

-----------------------------------

I pray for deliverance
I ask for guidance on this journey
give me the strenght to ignore
give me the strength to put it to rest
give me the strenght to resist thoughts
to close my mind to evil
let yourself be the protection for my mind
I have seen more than ever intednded by you
I am wiser than ever expected
I am better than ever expected
all because of you
thank you

AMEN.

I can see all I wish to see now
and feel nothing negative
a laugh escapes my lips as response
what does that say?
I am over it and you?
How does that feel?
How do I want it to feel?
I am above it
I am below it
God is all around it
and in me
I will be saved
and will be happy

I dare the world to listen to the Real Group's song, "Gota" and not feel something. A song sung by people who are highly capable of forming words, singing a song, self composed with no words. But large meaning to all who listen to it. Maybe not the same meaning, but meaning none the less.

It brings thoughts of; hope of deliverance, pride, joy, love, laughter, frienship, contemplation, and endless more. To just close one's eyes and sink into the music is phenominal. Make's the world a little smaller, which we all need.

somedays i feel as though life gives no care to me
I pray that God guides me through this
and delivers me from what I see as negative
help to give me the strength to carry on
and life to sleep and see another day
in a more positive light
and combat homosexuality in a better way
a stronger way

AMEN

A song with
meaning plays
but meaning is gone
devoid or empty

songs that brought me to tears
no longer do
songs that warm my heart
no longer do
songs now hit the ear
and do just that

however, more and more
god seems to warm my heart
fill it to the brim and overflow
and I am more content to let it happen
more each day
for the rest of my life

I find it more and more
that boys in packs
follow the dullest one

I find it odd that
for as many "friends"
as I seem to have
I have not one to call

More and more I find
that the concept of being gay
because all I want is a man
to tell me they love me
as they hold me in their arms
to be true

I am glad that I cannot say
the things that I once said
about you and I and God
I am glad I can look at you
and not feel the overwhelming
feelings of loss and despair
I am stronger now
that I was before
and even yesterday
I am stronger "alone" for now
I walk never truely alone
always another set of prints
beside my own
who I feel more each day
will remain a friend nevere a foe
forever with me
I dare a person to say the same
and have it be true forever

------------------------------------------

God grant me a life without today
without the gay
without the hate
without the drugs
without the alcohol
grant me a day where I am stronger
than the day before and the day before
continue to grant this prayer I send up
to you
let me continue to grow in faith and hope
and know you more and more each day
so I am stronger
and better than ever before
Amen.

I cant sing for a man who does not feel
nor in an ensemble that does the same
I cannot lust out of emotion
I miss Caleb so much it hurts
Why cant I just be teaching already?
I have seen and heard such beauty
Why do I feel that I have experienced so little?
I pray to God knowing now that it is God to whom we pray
yet I do not have the faith to know he is listening
or act upon anything I pray for or about
I cry in agony over all that mulls in my mind
knowing no answers of a life confused and lost

so I hate goodbyes
but part of me
does wish to say farewell
to this place
this house that allowed
me to live there
more than allowed
wanted me to be there
it seems that things
have changed more
than with just me
it seems that opinions
have changed
to multiple degree
all said I was in
8 said I was unfit
at the current time

I say so long once more
to the person I am today
and welcome the person
that I am becoming
the people I will keep
and not leave behind
will continue
to help me grow
but then again
as will the people who
I leave behind

I guess the moral is
all things have changed
and therefore grown
so all is well

light in the dark
color in the world of black & white
heat in the baren cold
always hope
always love
always Alex

Oh the effect
on a person
of music
that music has
the innability to cope
the ability
to bear the weight
of the world
on ones shoulders

when I write
its as though
I could have
the darkest day
hour
moment
and listen
to all that is
beautiful
and the fog
is lifted from me
my day

it used to be
that reverse
could be true
yet I find
that somehow
things have changed
not of my choice
not that I mind
but darken my door
can music no longer

brighten life with music
for all music has beauty
"dont just listen to good opera,
listen to ALL opera"

-------------------------------

I seem to feel
more often than most
that I am without
a place to call home

I live in a place
that some call home
some call a house
I call it nothing
I have grown there
I have learned there
felt all there is to feel
there

yet there is a place
that I was raised in
went to school from
and returned after
a place where I took my steps
cried at night
felt lost

now I search for a place
where I can feel
all of what I have felt
except will that be home?
it may be
that I have just been leaving
what I could
should be
considering home
home is where the heart is
this house is not a home
when you are alone
what to say of love
what to say of life

who needs a home
who needs people
who needs love

I do

-------------------------------

Am I one of them
one of those people
who needs others
who needs reassurance
who needs a pat on the bag
or more?

What is wrong with
being that person
to need love
to need companionship
to need encouragement

I find myself surrounded
by great persons
who all are these people
people
who have in mosts eyes
NO reason
to be sad
anything but stellar
but they are humas
just like everyone else
yet still unique
I have people
that feel the gambit
create beauty
lack confidence
look down on themself
on others
but seem to
give encouragement
that often
they themselves dont take
we are all aware of such
hypocracy

at least we arent naive
or ignorant
we are the people
that live the life
our life
no one else living
it for us
we can walk the path
and say we gave
our all
to all

--------------------------

You sit in
like a protest
where my body
has sinned against you
so you demand rights
and an ear
in my mind

you dominate my thoughts
you dominate my breaths
my movement
my all
this I mind
normally you in my life
is a positive
but this I will not tolerate
you hurting me is not an option

I do the best to live my life
but I must keep you off
out of my mind

I now choose
to call you
on this
this day of thanks
to thank you
for all of you
every moment
every thought
everything thing
that ever included you
even by association
without you
I would not be who
I am right now
or who I will one day be

yet I call you
and the call is awkward
not of my choice
you say its nothing you do
nor is it me
I wish to say but dont
for with you
I often feel
that I am fighting
a negative
triple digit tempature
storm
up a hill
on a grade so steep
it makes me feel
as though
its not worth it
but without you
I am not who I am
nor who I will be
so why not involve you more
you have done good
annd even the negative
you could bring
will bring thought
epiphany
knowledge
happiness
in the end

-----------------------------

I havent written before or after an entry in a while. I feel as though I should. So here what I have to say in reflection of thanksgiving; THANK YOU. I took my mothers advice this year and took some time to think what I am thankful for. Rather than what, I did who. I dont wish to say, that these people are the TOPS of my list, however, these are people that I have always maintained are beyond people, they are transcendent. The following people, I am thankful for, in every way;

Burton Hable - Student, Friend, Brother, Musician, Future Colleague, Inspiration
Michael Reese - Teacher, Friend, Mentor, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Caleb Thompson - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Karen Downing - Teacher, Friend, Editor, Future Colleague, Writer, Inspiration
Clark Bowden - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Connie Mulligan - Teacher, Choreographer, Friend, Future Colleague, Inspiration
John Hickling - Teacher, Father Figure, Friend, Future Colleague, Mentor, Inspiration
Tommy Dawson - Friend, Brother, Student, Beleiver Of Love, Inspiration
Kelly Kruse - Student, Friend, Musician, Poet, Bohemian, Sister, Inspiration
Dr Simonson - Teacher, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Sarah Thompson - Student, Friend, Sister, Musician, Inspiration

Oh the effect
on a person
of music
that music has
the innability to cope
the ability
to bear the weight
of the world
on ones shoulders

when I write
its as though
I could have
the darkest day
hour
moment
and listen
to all that is
beautiful
and the fog
is lifted from me
my day

it used to be
that reverse
could be true
yet I find
that somehow
things have changed
not of my choice
not that I mind
but darken my door
can music no longer

brighten life with music
for all music has beauty
"dont just listen to good opera,
listen to ALL opera"

-------------------------------

I seem to feel
more often than most
that I am without
a place to call home

I live in a place
that some call home
some call a house
I call it nothing
I have grown there
I have learned there
felt all there is to feel
there

yet there is a place
that I was raised in
went to school from
and returned after
a place where I took my steps
cried at night
felt lost

now I search for a place
where I can feel
all of what I have felt
except will that be home?
it may be
that I have just been leaving
what I could
should be
considering home
home is where the heart is
this house is not a home
when you are alone
what to say of love
what to say of life

who needs a home
who needs people
who needs love

I do

-------------------------------

Am I one of them
one of those people
who needs others
who needs reassurance
who needs a pat on the bag
or more?

What is wrong with
being that person
to need love
to need companionship
to need encouragement

I find myself surrounded
by great persons
who all are these people
people
who have in mosts eyes
NO reason
to be sad
anything but stellar
but they are humas
just like everyone else
yet still unique
I have people
that feel the gambit
create beauty
lack confidence
look down on themself
on others
but seem to
give encouragement
that often
they themselves dont take
we are all aware of such
hypocracy

at least we arent naive
or ignorant
we are the people
that live the life
our life
no one else living
it for us
we can walk the path
and say we gave
our all
to all

--------------------------

You sit in
like a protest
where my body
has sinned against you
so you demand rights
and an ear
in my mind

you dominate my thoughts
you dominate my breaths
my movement
my all
this I mind
normally you in my life
is a positive
but this I will not tolerate
you hurting me is not an option

I do the best to live my life
but I must keep you off
out of my mind

I now choose
to call you
on this
this day of thanks
to thank you
for all of you
every moment
every thought
everything thing
that ever included you
even by association
without you
I would not be who
I am right now
or who I will one day be

yet I call you
and the call is awkward
not of my choice
you say its nothing you do
nor is it me
I wish to say but dont
for with you
I often feel
that I am fighting
a negative
triple digit tempature
storm
up a hill
on a grade so steep
it makes me feel
as though
its not worth it
but without you
I am not who I am
nor who I will be
so why not involve you more
you have done good
annd even the negative
you could bring
will bring thought
epiphany
knowledge
happiness
in the end

-----------------------------

I havent written before or after an entry in a while. I feel as though I should. So here what I have to say in reflection of thanksgiving; THANK YOU. I took my mothers advice this year and took some time to think what I am thankful for. Rather than what, I did who. I dont wish to say, that these people are the TOPS of my list, however, these are people that I have always maintained are beyond people, they are transcendent. The following people, I am thankful for, in every way;

Burton Hable - Student, Friend, Brother, Musician, Future Colleague, Inspiration
Michael Reese - Teacher, Friend, Mentor, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Caleb Thompson - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Karen Downing - Teacher, Friend, Editor, Future Colleague, Writer, Inspiration
Clark Bowden - Student, Friend, Brother, Believer Of God, Inspiration
Connie Mulligan - Teacher, Choreographer, Friend, Future Colleague, Inspiration
John Hickling - Teacher, Father Figure, Friend, Future Colleague, Mentor, Inspiration
Tommy Dawson - Friend, Brother, Student, Beleiver Of Love, Inspiration
Kelly Kruse - Student, Friend, Musician, Poet, Bohemian, Sister, Inspiration
Dr Simonson - Teacher, Future Colleague, Musician, Inspiration
Sarah Thompson - Student, Friend, Sister, Musician, Inspiration

tell me when
I asked for
someone to love
who would not
could not
cannot love me
in return

someone whos words
is all I can get
for them to say and say
again and agian
but no action

people who
I never associated with
who breath to associate
with me
now
when I coudl care less

a house where
I loved by some
tolerated by most
and hated by few
where in the end
I will not be
a part of it

tell me
when I asked for
this life
this talent
this knowledge
these people
the events
that scattered
create my life

I may not have asked
for all of this
but without it
I am not
alive
me
myself
I

Give me wood
to fuel the fire
that was started

heres the thing
you gave me the wood
but do I choose
to throw the wood
into the flames
NO

by throwing I could
knock the burnt
logs apart
but the fire
could
spread or die
the possibility
of it spreading
stops me

so I sit and debate
watch the fire
or ignore it

or embrace the fire
let it warm me
let it lift me up
know that the fire
will go nowhere
and will soon end
while I
will travel
move
and grow and truely never die
as long as I made
the impact
I wish to

"I Remember"
Lyrics & Music by Stephen Sondheim
from Evening Primrose (1966)

----------------------

I remember sky
It was blue as ink
Or at least I think
I remember sky.

I remember snow
Soft as feathers
Sharp as thumb tacks
Coming down like lint
And it made you squint
When the wind would blow.


And ice like vinyl
On the streets
Cold as silver
White as sheets
Rain like strings
And changing things
Like leaves.


I remember leaves
Green as spearmint
Crisp as paper.
I remember trees
Bare as coat racks
Spread like broken umbrellas.


And parks and bridges,
Ponds and zoos,
Ruddy faces,
Muddy shoes,
Light and noise and
Bees and boys
And days.


I remember days,
Or at least I try.
But as years go by
They're sort of haze,
And the bluest ink
Isn't really sky
And at times I think
I would gladly die
For a day of sky.

Its odd
when you acheive
yet are still behind
when people see not
the strides you have made
and they push you down
and try to hold
you back
but there are always
those few
who support you
stand behind you
next to you
encouraging you
loving you
I am one for you
be one for me
for if we all do so
the world will only
be a better place

---------------------

Yours words have
no correlation
to the actions
which you take
you say such things
to make one beleive
then take that beleif
and rip it from
their hands
throw it to the ground
and grind it
into the ground
as if
to attempt to make
it never have existed
but I know
it did
and if you are my friend
I will take you to the mount
and challenge you
about it
for your own growth
but if you are not
a friend
I will grow to be one
and do the same
I will make you better
just as you will me
whether we like it
or not

---------------------------------


If you say you are
my friend
whether I beleive it
or not
I will debate it
and if I dare to
tell you of your errs
of your blindness
if you are say
that you are my friend
I think I must
treat you as such
whether you want it
or not
its up to you
say it or not
have me or not
it up to you

--------------------------

They say
that knowledge
is power
ever though
that it could be
a burden?
that losing one's
naievty
is like
when Eve
bit the apple
and her eyes
were opened
to see the err
to see the beauty
can be a burden
unheard of by some
but to live with such
is a blessing
because
one must
look not only
at the positive
but the negative
to understand
to grow
to change
because
without the dark
there is no light
just like good and bad
two sides to every sword
both cut
and teach
knowledge is
not to be taken
lightly

--------------------------

the idea of north
to have set directions
a star to guide you
always there
to help
the lost

the idea of north
to provide direction
to freedom
from a system
unchanged
of evil
deliverance

the idea of north
the idea of south
the idea of east
the idea of west

the idea that all directions
lead
too any place
that you could imagine
but know
thats not the end
theres always up
beyond the sky
beyond the stars
to your dreams
away from home
to places
of discomfort
of growth
of change
exploration
the idea of new
the idea of old
the concept
the reality

Am I afraid to write about you?
to think about you
does it hurt
it does make me sick
sometimes
the thoughts of you
lead to your conquests
your acheivements
but I Love You
and they dont
I am worth it
You are worth it
We arent a waste

----------------------------

Cheesy lyrics
can have good meaning
message
bad music
can have good motives
repeating
to listen beyond
our dispositions
to what was meant
to be heard
is the true meaning
the real challenge
part of life

------------------------

I have been told I run
maybe its me not settling
but it could be
that I just run
from city to city
place to place
trying to find whats easier
in the end
there will be growth
there will be change
and thats whats needed
maybe I need time off
a little break
does life allow that?

---------------------------

You are at times
where I want to be
to a point
the place you reside
currently
is a place
that could nurture
a passion I have
but the city itself
miserable
but to move there
carries so much
positivity
at first sight
but so many angers
at second glance
doing it for you
or me
or both
is there anything wrong
in the end
with any of those
follow with head
follow with heart
if i end up close to you
there is no way
I can say
that it is not you
or that it is
no answer good enough

---------------------------

to the one who I Love more than life itself. More than anyone else. In a different way than all other Love. I Love You. Trey Critz. I hope you continue to realize that more and more. And that its ok. If not good that I Love You. I hope you continue to find out how much you care for me.

to the ones who I call friends. I love you all. Feel lucky just like I feel luck yo know you all. Be thankful for eachother. Rejoice. Continue the great things you do.