hindsight is always 20/20
and things never end perfectly
dont you wish you could ask questions
in any matter
with any person

would that help
or would that hurt

even if its 20 years later, what about 1 more minute with a person
to ask anything
to say anything
hello goodbye god loves you
just anything

would it be better take it
or to go without

these are questions worth asking

weaker moments
prideless moments
crying out to what seems no one
reaching out from someone

but whether to give into myself
and commit an act upon myself
that i later will abhor

to stick to my convictions
when i say that i will not drink
but then
to turn instead
to pills
to lull me into a haze and lucid area

-----------------------------------------------

why is it
when i am stressed i can think to write
the moments that show me having a "GREAT" day
they drive me to write
for it feels in those moments
that no person is there to comfort me

------------------

why cant i forgive andy
what is the key to this
should i continue to hope
and hold on to next to nothing
which is what is left
or maybe i should let go
and never think to apologize
or also to be apologized to
as well
do i really want the friend?

-------------------------

i dont have the energy it seems
to do much of anything
interactions with people are lacking
lacking waht i think and say
my butting in into situations
my writing of wrongs

they are lacking
even for myself

even alone

i have too little energy

how often do you run the line
that line when you know what you are doing
just might hurt you
knowing that it might sting
or burn
or maybe even bleed
but you choose to do it anyway
even though it will hurt
but you arent doing something to inflict the pain

now how often
do you choose not to get help
and do you ignore that
by not gettin help
you are in fact hurting yourself
but for some reason
you dont take those steps
to just help yourself
and maybe
just maybe
if you took those steps
they could be easier to take every time you woul ever have to think
about taking them?

i will be back. soon. i am just sorting things out.

[SHEILA]
Daddy always thought that he married beneath him.
That's what he said, that's what he said.
When he proposed he informed my mother
He was probably her very last chance.
And though she was twenty-two,
Though she was twenty-two,
Though she was twenty-two,
She married him.

Life with my dad wasn't ever a picnic
More like a "Come as you are."
When I was five I remember my mother
Dug earrings out of the car
I knew they weren't hers, But it wasn't
Something you'd want to discuss.
He wasn't warm.
Well, not to her.
Well, not to us

But
Everything was beautiful at the ballet.
Graceful men lift lovely girls in white.
Yes,
Everything was beautiful at ballet.
Hey!
I was happy... at the ballet.

That's why I started class...

Up a steep and very narrow stairway.

[SHEILA AND BEBE]
To the voice like a metronome.
Up a steep and very narrow stairway.

[SHEILA]
It wasn't paradise...

[BEBE]
It wasn't paradise...

[SHEILA AND BEBE]
It wasn't paradise...

[SHEILA]
But it was home.

[BEBE]
Mother always said I'd be very attractive
When I grew up, when I grew up.
"Diff'rent," she said, "With a special something
And a very, very personal flair."
And though I was eight or nine,
Though I was eight or nine,
Though I was eight or nine,
I hated her.
Now,

"Diff'rent" is nice, but it sure isn't pretty.
"Pretty" is what it's about.
I never met anyone who was "diff'rent"
Who couldn't figure that out.
So beautiful I'd never lived to see.
But it was clear,
If not to her,
Well, then... to me...
That ...

[MAGGIE AND BEBE]
Everyone is beautiful at the ballet.
Every prince has got to have his swan.
Yes,
Everyone is beautiful at the ballet.

[MAGGIE]
Hey!...

[BEBE]
I was pretty...

[SHEILA]
At the ballet

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
Up a steep and very narrow stairway
To the voice like a metronome.
Up a steep and very narrow stairway

[MAGGIE]
It wasn't paradise...

[BEBE]
It wasn't paradise...

[SHEILA]
It wasn't paradise...

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
But it was home.

[MAGGIE (Spoken)]
I don't know what they were for or against, really,
except each other.
I mean I was born to save their marriage
but when my father came to pick my mother up
at the hospital
he said, "Well, I thought this was going to help.
but I guess it's not..."
Anyway, I did have a fantastic fantasy life.
I used to dance around the living room
with my arms up like this
My fantasy was that I was an Indian Chief...
And he'd say to me,
"Maggie, do you wanna dance?"
And I'd say, "Daddy, I would love to dance!"

[SHEILA AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo-doo

[BEBE]
But it was clear...

[BEBE AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo

[SHEILA]
When he proposed...

[SHEILA AND BEBE]
Doo-doo-doo

[MAGGIE]
That I was born to help their marriage and when

[MAGGIE AND BEBE]
Doo-doo-doo-doo

[SHEILA]
That's what he said...

[SHEILA AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo

[BEBE]
That's what she said...

[BEBE AND SHEILA]
Doo-doo-doo

[MAGGIE]
I used to dance around the living room...

[BEBE AND SHEILA]
Doo-doo-doo-doo

[SHEILA]
He wasn't warm...

[SHEILA AND MAGGIE]
Doo-doo-doo

[BEBE]
Not to her...

[MAGGIE]
It was an Indian chief and he'd say:
"Maggie, do you wanna dance?"
And I'd say, "Daddy, I would love to..."

Everything was beautiful at the ballet,
Raise your arms and someone's always there.
Yes, everything was beautiful at the ballet,
At the ballet,
At the ballet!!!

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
Yes everything was beautiful at the ballet.

[MAGGIE]
HEY!...

[BEBE]
I was pretty...

[SHEILA]
I was happy...

[MAGGIE]
"I would love to..."

[MAGGIE, SHEILA AND BEBE]
At...the...ballet.

i mean
i always say that i want to do something at least once
otherwise i cannot say here nor there
but in this case
a first time
plus mixing things i couldnt speak on
was not a good idea
but then again
i did learn something
and make a responsible decision
i guess
but always knowing
whether its right or not
is the hard part

that taught me so much
i showed me more than i imagined
ever possible
i was tired
sitting with new friends
in painstakingly
the best museum
because of its virtues
that its price was weightless
proving that
art is to be shared
and be to be viewed
by all
but most of all
i dont know
what means more
that i learned something
or that i was with you

into the woods
yes
into the woods
running from things
coming to terms
the woods is what you
wish for it to be

have you ever noticed
the purpose the woods serve
for fairy tales
or for that matter
the secrets forests truly hold

what are the woods to you

I find myself in a questioning

suprise!

i wonder truthfully
if to write beautifully
that i always must be troubles
cannot i not live purely
and write wondrous things
sing wondrous songs
anymore i find it hard to do anything well
when i am not living well
not every poet was depressed
not ever singer was lonely
i no longer believe that is how it must be
i can live well
and cleanly
and be all that i wish to be
write beautifully
sing wonderfully
live beyond words

maybe we are ready for death
perhaps
it is life that prepares us for a death
the lesson's taught ready us for their departure
could it be that the departure
is not only their time coming to a close
but the indication of the surrounding's
ability to continue without
without the one who has contributed before
also
it is a test to those left behind
asking them to grow
and teach themselves a lesson
remember it
time to change
time to love
cherish it

have you ever considered
that despite your growth
emotional range and intensity
that part of you may be jaded
unfeeling perhaps?
i question
that maybe
just maybe
i have removed myself from feeling loss with death
i cannot remember crying at a funeral
i mean 93 was a year to try to block from my mind
losing so many people
i was so young
i remember crying for leila
but i didnt cry for aunts
grandmothers
godfathers

am i truly that well adjusted to it
accepting and moving on
or am i repressing things?

it was quite possibly the hardest thing i have witnessed
to watch one's two cousins cry
asking in tears
why their mother did this to herself
why didnt she stop

to say that my life is hard
is a lie
i have never experienced anything that can compare
to the loss of the person who brought you physically
into this world
the woman who raised you
instilled in you things
that you will never forget

a challenge to myself
to replicate moments
feelings
conversations
must be considered unfathomable
as i am always a constant for change
let alone anyone else
always growing
pushing
learning
changing
never the same person
not second to second
thereby making re-creation
impossible
i cannot guarantee myself
let alone the others involved
hell
even the things that just occur around it

so here is to the future moments
to that maybe they will match or even surpass
the past's
knowing that i will grow
hoping that others will too
and hoping that things only get better
whether thats idealistic is not the point
but the concept is hope
and without hope
i have no reason to go on

i am very torn
i dont know whether to be angry
or sad
or refuse

should i make pointed statements
and pose pointed questions
or should i just be me
the person who will
forever hope
that you and i will reconcile this relationship
i would love push you borders
grow more with you
make you uncomfortable

please dont tell me that this is irreconcilable

the below is for you


--

Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Si me quisieras, todo te dara
Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Al mismo cielo, yo te llevara.

Dime tan solo una palabra
Que me devuelva la vida
Y se me quede en el alma
Porque sin ti no tengo nada
Envulveme con tus besos
refugiame en tu guarida

Y cuando te veo, no se lo siento
Y cuando te siento, me quemo por dentro
Y ms...y ms de ti yo me enamoro
Tu eres lo que quiero
Tu eres mi tesoro.

Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Si me quisieras, todo te dara
Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Al mismo cielo, yo te llevara.

Sin ti me siento tan perdido
Ensame la salida, llvame siempre contigo
Protgeme con tu cario
Encindeme con tu fuego
Y ya ms nada te pido...nada te pido.

Y cuando te veo, no se lo siento
Y cuando te siento, me quemo por dentro
Y ms...y ms de ti yo me enamoro
Tu eres lo que quiero
Tu eres mi tesoro.

Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Si me quisieras, todo te dara
Ave Mara, cuando sers ma
Al mismo cielo, yo te llevara.

Ave Mara...
Dime si sers ma...
Dmelo ya...
Ave Mara...

its amazing that you have given me a little hope
with just a simple phone call
maybe just maybe
less is lost than i think

ok
so i have deduced
that it is better to have more Love
in the world
than not
not just more than negativity or hatred
but just more love
or what one believes to be love
is better than anything
actually to make it more general
and even more positive
it is better to have positive emotions
feelings
than anything
because if it is positive
it is not negative
simple i know
but moods radiate
and things are infectious
so to this i say
let the relationships grow
let them prosper always
let things be in good cheer
and great disposition
so that things may grow themselves
and prosper
always with eyes on the horizon
but living in the moment

so here is to positivity
let's raise our glass
and to idealism
which is quite different
from naivety

the knowledge
and epiphanies
that can be found
in the craziest of places
seem to the best most fun

its nice finding reinforcements

give me 100 dates
give me love
give me no meaningless sex
cause its worth waiting for

i remember part of myself
the part of me that is chivalrous
the part of me that is a classic gentlemen

love always is the best thing
it's nice finally finding
the love
i have for myself

for the 26th of july


so on this day
i hoped for inspiration to write
of the time i had grown
of the time i had spent
pushing myself
the envelope
the limits
something to look back on the past five years
to say that i had grown
to show that i had proof
but what i found
was myself in the shower
still awake
at five am
in prayer
near tears
realizing truths
coming to grips
with myself
my life
this world
to say that the past years
including the past five
having been a cake walk
would be a complete lie
paths covered in lies
deception
confusion
anger
depression
loneliness
but more than anything
knowledge
learning
growth
change
positivity

i will never exchange my life for anyone elses
i would never surrender what i have learned
for my experiences
for my soul
eyes
heart
mind
love

i am the greatest individual
i never expected to be
and i am only 20

i never thought i would live to see 30
thought i would die before then
of stress
in the ends of my own means
by the life choices i make/made
but now
30 is a positive
40 is seen
50 is imagined
bigger and brighter
and if i continue like this
i will love myself
more and more
everyday
so why die young
why die until have walked my destined path
why slow
why not defy all the odds and expectations
even those that are set by greater than ourselves
if we can remove ourselves from a preplanned path
i can continue on the path longer than expected
and have a more rich and colorful life than the same

so i say to the world
two anniversaries destined to be close
within hours of eachother
from this day
from that hour
i am reborn
in every way
better and more determined
i dare you to try to stop me
from getting farther than
anyone
ever expected

to quote rare earth
but more lovingly
the temptations

get ready
cause here i come

when we traveled
there were so many delusions
of what i thought could be
either tomorrow or down the road
but they were just lies
so it seems
false hopes perhaps
to think that things would have continued
down the path that was better set than current
i would have loved to believe it
and would have loved for you to believe it too

------------------------------------

say it as much as you want
and mean it the same
but i truthfully feel
that it doesnt matter to you
that i would go to the ends of the earth
spend all i have and give everything
for you
if you just asked me to

at times you wouldnt even need to ask


i may have been the only one
to come to you
even though our relationship
was not paved the best
but you show nothing
that resembles caring
that i did something no one else would
and i even now
would do it again
on a larger and grander scale

-------------------------

let mood swings run rampant
let sickness control
but let the words flow
and grant me more peace
find me greater solace
so that
every moment
i move forward
always better
always brighter

call me different
or special
or fucked up
but i am worth it
every pang
every thought

------------------------

if i were to meet someone like me
i wouldnt be physically attracted to them
and when it comes to personality
i dont think i would know what to think
if i would see them for the beauty they hold within them
of would i see the baggage instead that they carry

what does this say of me?
do i find myself unattractive
do i notice my own baggage over my beauty

will i ever come to the point
of moderate acceptance and enjoyment of who i am

as much as i say about myself
the beauty i hold
the baggage i carry
the growth i have undergone


what do i actually see
how do i actually feel

-------------------------------

why is it humans indulge in activities that leave them feeling empty

how deep is my love
how long will it last
when will it stop
is there an end?

nope

sometimes i really feel that i need to repeat myself
as if the people i told originally had forgotten
its not bad but its not good