parts of me
wish to be lots of things
like angry
and inspired
but things happen the way they do
not how i want


in then end i will be ok

the whole things is just ridiculous
lots of options
i just may not have the strength for
just right now

unclear mind

i'll put the ending here

when will it ever be fully pushed through
that it wont ever make anything better
it is not the answer
all it does is allow you to forget about things for a moment
and then it leaves you empty
and maybe a little more hollow

eh, only more to gain back

but why make more work for one's self

note: this is not meant to be glorifying of living a life of mediocrity

if life's purpose is to interact
to feel and interpret and learn
maybe to serve purpose is to just live
because unless hermitage is your call
you do interact
and thereby have weight in people's lives
but what if one were to live well
full of fervor and love of life
to live to the fullest extent
feeling and doing more
pushing one's self more
would that in turn raise the quality of life
for those around you
thereby making others better
by your betterment

not for sure

but its worth a try


--------

note: this is not an attack

as much as the vindictive and overly homosexual part of me wants to be something
i am refusing it that priveledge
however
i do remember
why i do/did dislike gays
and it's gonna take some time
for me to get back into the swing of things
so heres to time
and gettin back into it
cause putting myself back in is only
only
gonna make things move a little bit faster

its dumbfounding at times
the journey of life
to be pieces in a game of chess
maybe lived out by destiny
destined for death
ruled by avatars
and demi gods
but to say
that one does not shape
one's own path
is without experience
humans are given specific
traits and abilities
where we surprise even ourselves
to think of our true potential
complete brain use
total physical exhaustion
we are deafening
and surprising

to get to that point
where everyday
i can use all of my being
to its fullest
is where i will strive

------------------

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

- Nelson Mandela

sometimes it is just easier to write
when you are full on angst
but what to say
when you are confused
in tongue and in thought
or life

so what to say
to type
when you feel
that the only way
to put out energy
is through writing

how?
what?

when will i get more clarity

and if its too far how
how will i get to that point
and can i push myself there?

felt the need to write
but words didnt come easy

things are only being reinforced
i am whole without anyone
and attempting to be with someone
isnt gonna help anything
i am gettin better everyday
and i dare you when i get going
to try to keep up with me then
you wont be able to
if i set my mind to it
i will be better at what you do
that you are
and its not even my passion
thats my power
thats my heart
thats me

i am limitless

i am not lying to myself
the pit is still there
i am just gettin better
and beyond
this

a single song
in different worlds
holds vastly different meanings
dumbfounding it is
since we are apparently not different at all
nor special from one another

oh wait
i disagree with the above

let no one say again
that the use of antidepressants
mutes life
distances you from situations

if anything it allows you to think as clearly
as possible
giving you more pespective
it can give you the ability to walk to from and around
a situation

giving more clarity
sooner
and expediting life
due to unnecessary
irrational actions

-----

i feel as though this is a bit ... more than just a bit trite

i dont apologize however, it is life. and mine. and i can deal with trite poetry.

perspective is everything
even in moments of dark
i look not only to the light
but also to the dark beyond my station
to know the range of the contrast
it allows everything to be set
in quite the perspective

to know the lives surrounding my own could be worse
and know that my help if asked for
should be given

to know that in the range
i do matter
and have control of few things
but the few things i control
can make bigger marks than anything
the world has ever seen
if i commit to it
there will be no stop
i will succeed
as you push me back or to the ground
i will rise again
to see another day
cause i will always be alright

so to the end of all that is life
i just merely take a breath
and say i'll take it day by day
and as they come and go
i will just keeo breathing
and putting it all in perspective
that regardless my station
things could always be worse

always


and bless those whose lives are worse... and continue
day by day

to be quite honest
i think that i am beyond this
beyond the childish games
and the wanting to be older
as if adults had it easier
but i think i am coming to terms
with the fact that nothing
no nothing gets easier
only more complicated

to be in a land of naivety
in a land full of wide eyed innocence
where you arent bothered by
troubles of the mind and heart

to find yourself always with friends
and know they would never leave you
nor hurt you at all
and act as thought it was a two-way street

now that would just be neverland

doing the best i can
for me and mine
everyday
just like the ones before me
and with example
the ones after me

i wonder what would happen if i took time
and let them
come to me
would it be the same
will they notice
and if they do
what will they do?

why do i stay awake
fully knowing all i am gonna do
is think more about something
i really need perspective on
and i think perspective
is only really gonna come in time
so live each day
and get to tomorrow
for a little bit more
perspective

to create a decision
on what next
but not tomorrow
but now
on what to do
right now

at home catch up

---

I find myself in many a situation that relates to television
and all of them are a bit sad and pathetic
but yet real

---

I wonder how much longer
it would have taken
to avoid this issue more
to pull a bigger cop out
to be more lame with my actions
to resort to that lowly a state
i truly must have been desperate
and did it make it any better?
Absolutely not
to be prideful i say this isnt my friends
speaking their words again through me
but
it is what i knew from the get go
before i even started
i dont always have to be mature
i dont always have to be good
let me be irresponsible and bad for a try
how else will i learn anything
and trust me
my eyes and ears and mind are open
you better believe this
is only the beginning of the lesson

---

There are times of clairvoyance
when i remember i am so young
as are those around me
even at times
those who are by birth are older
are sometimes younger than i
and those who may be younger by birth
could thereby be potentially older than myself

for some they are just merely taking their first steps
on a road that i myself have walked
for going on five years

to think back to when i took my first steps
and those who watched
and helped to pick me up when i fell
i remember more the ones who helped me up
rather than the reason i fell
or whom it was i was walking with

so why do i fret about the now
whos with whom
and such trifiling matters
when i can merely take it day by day
and be there when they fall
to help them up

whether they help me
in return
or someone else
as long as the forward motion continues
and even if it doesnt
at least i am forward motion
continuing on
until i die
because this part of me is worth holding on to

i long to sit by the ocean
and to hear the natural rhythm of the world
to remember how small i am
and view the wonder of the earth

where the sea meets the sky
is where i am lost
floating without care
in the sky's natural light
feeling weightless
without burdens

on the edge of the world
at the summit
i look to see the possibilities
and i realize
what is possible
and i dare myself not to try to seize it

hi-lights from the week:

It the midst of this mess of a life
I attempt to think of what i truly know
who i am
what i are for
why i am here, still
what matters
questions plague me
answers are few
to think that i feel as if i know nothing
is deafening to all senses
if i know nothing of myself i feel
as if i know nothing of the world
or society in any way
if i as an intelligent person
know nothing of who i am
or for that matter
nothing of personal value of myself
i truthfully feel blind deaf and mute in this world
from birth
but i know
in some part of me
that i know something about myself
some ever constant part
that seems to be rooted deeper than anything i have ever known
what is it
that i desire love?
Need love
want love
feel love
am love?
By the extension that i
am one of God's creations
he created all existence
out of love
thereby making me love
as one of his creations
but can i buy into that completely?

What is the purpose of my self hating
is it to always be challenging myself
to never rest until i am better
i cannot dare say it is to condemn me

what is the truth behind my low self esteem
the manic depression
lack of friends
i dont know
but maybe i am not supposed to know right now
maybe one day it will click and i will see it all clearly
or maybe it wont
it could come slowly
for the rest of my life

why must i put up a facade to the world
i mean it fools only people i shouldnt be friends with
i say that i need no approval nor care what others think
but i do
i honestly do
i die to know what people think
and even when i do reach out to ask
if given no support i just default to
the fact that i say i dont care
how many people see through me
how many people know that i care what people think
but how many peoples opinions actually matter to me
and why them
time
influence
love?

Am i truthfully in conflict
and is that different from confused
are either of these things actually bad at all?
I feel as though Dr Simonson was right
all conflict is is differing information
thereby it is a surplus amount of information that just needs sorting
so why stress
i will come to an answer
sometime
doesnt have to be right now
as long as i get there it doesnt matter when
this isnt a race
and if it is
i wont mind coming in last
and living the most

where is the root of my chronic lying
did i see my brother as a teen
running from my parents gaze
going of to smoke and ingest illegal drugs?
Or is it attention seeking from my childhood of feeling like the least important
am i dillusional and think that i am the least important
while my brother and sister maintain i was center ring
is being the best so important i will fabricate lies
that will in th end hang me

and what of the manic depression
is it chemical imbalance
is it perception
could it all really be genetics
look at the line i come from
anger management
divorce
high stress
dramatics
maybe it really is genes
and maybe i owe a severe debt of thanks to OK

i have some baggage
who doesnt
just cause you dont see
as if in an airport
doesnt mean we all dont have a bag
or three
its my junk
i am happy to drag it along
the load will get lighter
and the bags will get smaller
eventually
it'll be a wallet
and that day is exciting

-------------------------------------

Truthfully
i have no idea what to write
i feel uninspired
which is quite alright with me
it at times would signal
my mind slowing
however
maybe just this once
it is calm again
something i havent felt in a while
did owning up to my shit do something good?
Does reminding myself that i should focus on me
do some good
why does it truthfully matter what those around me do
if it does not actually effect me
i mean emotionally whatever
but physically if it is doing no harm
what is the issue
is it normal to be this emotional
even if it isnt though
its me
and i am doing better than i ever expected
i mean honestly
the part of me that worries about them is quieter now
but i fear that it is only because i have removed them as much as possible
from my life for a given time
will it return if i let them back in
thinking that i have helped myself
if it does
how will i react

wait

one day at a time
one beat of my heart
one breath in my lungs
one moment at a time
anything else
really doesnt matter
stop thinking ahead and think about now
let the moments come when they do
and take them in then
try not to assume and jump ahead
cause if you are going with your eyes closed
you have no idea where you will land

so with this
breath

really thats all

----------------------------------------------

It the midst of this mess of a life
I attempt to think of what i truly know
who i am
what i are for
why i am here, still
what matters
questions plague me
answers are few
to think that i feel as if i know nothing
is deafening to all senses
if i know nothing of myself i feel
as if i know nothing of the world
or society in any way
if i as an intelligent person
know nothing of who i am
or for that matter
nothing of personal value of myself
i truthfully feel blind deaf and mute in this world
from birth
but i know
in some part of me
that i know something about myself
some ever constant part
that seems to be rooted deeper than anything i have ever known
what is it
that i desire love?
Need love
want love
feel love
am love?
By the extension that i
am one of God's creations
he created all existence
out of love
thereby making me love
as one of his creations
but can i buy into that completely?

What is the purpose of my self hating
is it to always be challenging myself
to never rest until i am better
i cannot dare say it is to condemn me

what is the truth behind my low self esteem
the manic depression
lack of friends
i dont know
but maybe i am not supposed to know right now
maybe one day it will click and i will see it all clearly
or maybe it wont
it could come slowly
for the rest of my life

why must i put up a facade to the world
i mean it fools only people i shouldnt be friends with
i say that i need no approval nor care what others think
but i do
i honestly do
i die to know what people think
and even when i do reach out to ask
if given no support i just default to
the fact that i say i dont care
how many people see through me
how many people know that i care what people think
but how many peoples opinions actually matter to me
and why them
time
influence
love?

Am i truthfully in conflict
and is that different from confused
are either of these things actually bad at all?
I feel as though Dr Simonson was right
all conflict is is differing information
thereby it is a surplus amount of information that just needs sorting
so why stress
i will come to an answer
sometime
doesnt have to be right now
as long as i get there it doesnt matter when
this isnt a race
and if it is
i wont mind coming in last
and living the most

where is the root of my chronic lying
did i see my brother as a teen
running from my parents gaze
going of to smoke and ingest illegal drugs?
Or is it attention seeking from my childhood of feeling like the least important
am i dillusional and think that i am the least important
while my brother and sister maintain i was center ring
is being the best so important i will fabricate lies
that will in th end hang me

and what of the manic depression
is it chemical imbalance
is it perception
could it all really be genetics
look at the line i come from
anger management
divorce
high stress
dramatics
maybe it really is genes
and maybe i owe a severe debt of thanks to OK

i have some baggage
who doesnt
just cause you dont see
as if in an airport
doesnt mean we all dont have a bag
or three
its my junk
i am happy to drag it along
the load will get lighter
and the bags will get smaller
eventually
it'll be a wallet
and that day is exciting

------------------------------------------

To write further feels futile
and anything that would come of it
would be worthless by my own eyes
so read this when you return here
and know
you decided well in your own mind
that it was better to not write than the latter
and know you were convicted

all it takes is conviction
following your all
you will be ok

i am hearing the words grandma said it
knowing that i think them
but i would only think that if it was possible
if it was supposed to be thought

grandma vandervelden
are you there?
I want to say yes
and if you are
come to me in my sleep quickly
and i will know

that – i cant even put it into words
that god is love
that things will be ok

and they will be
trust

----------------------------------------

just some things for ya'll

i think
i know not what to say next
feeling residue
to act or react

feel that i have made the right decision

i just think i need more time with those who are gettin it right

thanks

brad
andrew

kevin
mike