i am not lying to myself
the pit is still there
i am just gettin better
and beyond
this

a single song
in different worlds
holds vastly different meanings
dumbfounding it is
since we are apparently not different at all
nor special from one another

oh wait
i disagree with the above

let no one say again
that the use of antidepressants
mutes life
distances you from situations

if anything it allows you to think as clearly
as possible
giving you more pespective
it can give you the ability to walk to from and around
a situation

giving more clarity
sooner
and expediting life
due to unnecessary
irrational actions

-----

i feel as though this is a bit ... more than just a bit trite

i dont apologize however, it is life. and mine. and i can deal with trite poetry.

perspective is everything
even in moments of dark
i look not only to the light
but also to the dark beyond my station
to know the range of the contrast
it allows everything to be set
in quite the perspective

to know the lives surrounding my own could be worse
and know that my help if asked for
should be given

to know that in the range
i do matter
and have control of few things
but the few things i control
can make bigger marks than anything
the world has ever seen
if i commit to it
there will be no stop
i will succeed
as you push me back or to the ground
i will rise again
to see another day
cause i will always be alright

so to the end of all that is life
i just merely take a breath
and say i'll take it day by day
and as they come and go
i will just keeo breathing
and putting it all in perspective
that regardless my station
things could always be worse

always


and bless those whose lives are worse... and continue
day by day

to be quite honest
i think that i am beyond this
beyond the childish games
and the wanting to be older
as if adults had it easier
but i think i am coming to terms
with the fact that nothing
no nothing gets easier
only more complicated

to be in a land of naivety
in a land full of wide eyed innocence
where you arent bothered by
troubles of the mind and heart

to find yourself always with friends
and know they would never leave you
nor hurt you at all
and act as thought it was a two-way street

now that would just be neverland

doing the best i can
for me and mine
everyday
just like the ones before me
and with example
the ones after me

i wonder what would happen if i took time
and let them
come to me
would it be the same
will they notice
and if they do
what will they do?

why do i stay awake
fully knowing all i am gonna do
is think more about something
i really need perspective on
and i think perspective
is only really gonna come in time
so live each day
and get to tomorrow
for a little bit more
perspective

to create a decision
on what next
but not tomorrow
but now
on what to do
right now

at home catch up

---

I find myself in many a situation that relates to television
and all of them are a bit sad and pathetic
but yet real

---

I wonder how much longer
it would have taken
to avoid this issue more
to pull a bigger cop out
to be more lame with my actions
to resort to that lowly a state
i truly must have been desperate
and did it make it any better?
Absolutely not
to be prideful i say this isnt my friends
speaking their words again through me
but
it is what i knew from the get go
before i even started
i dont always have to be mature
i dont always have to be good
let me be irresponsible and bad for a try
how else will i learn anything
and trust me
my eyes and ears and mind are open
you better believe this
is only the beginning of the lesson

---

There are times of clairvoyance
when i remember i am so young
as are those around me
even at times
those who are by birth are older
are sometimes younger than i
and those who may be younger by birth
could thereby be potentially older than myself

for some they are just merely taking their first steps
on a road that i myself have walked
for going on five years

to think back to when i took my first steps
and those who watched
and helped to pick me up when i fell
i remember more the ones who helped me up
rather than the reason i fell
or whom it was i was walking with

so why do i fret about the now
whos with whom
and such trifiling matters
when i can merely take it day by day
and be there when they fall
to help them up

whether they help me
in return
or someone else
as long as the forward motion continues
and even if it doesnt
at least i am forward motion
continuing on
until i die
because this part of me is worth holding on to

i long to sit by the ocean
and to hear the natural rhythm of the world
to remember how small i am
and view the wonder of the earth

where the sea meets the sky
is where i am lost
floating without care
in the sky's natural light
feeling weightless
without burdens

on the edge of the world
at the summit
i look to see the possibilities
and i realize
what is possible
and i dare myself not to try to seize it

hi-lights from the week:

It the midst of this mess of a life
I attempt to think of what i truly know
who i am
what i are for
why i am here, still
what matters
questions plague me
answers are few
to think that i feel as if i know nothing
is deafening to all senses
if i know nothing of myself i feel
as if i know nothing of the world
or society in any way
if i as an intelligent person
know nothing of who i am
or for that matter
nothing of personal value of myself
i truthfully feel blind deaf and mute in this world
from birth
but i know
in some part of me
that i know something about myself
some ever constant part
that seems to be rooted deeper than anything i have ever known
what is it
that i desire love?
Need love
want love
feel love
am love?
By the extension that i
am one of God's creations
he created all existence
out of love
thereby making me love
as one of his creations
but can i buy into that completely?

What is the purpose of my self hating
is it to always be challenging myself
to never rest until i am better
i cannot dare say it is to condemn me

what is the truth behind my low self esteem
the manic depression
lack of friends
i dont know
but maybe i am not supposed to know right now
maybe one day it will click and i will see it all clearly
or maybe it wont
it could come slowly
for the rest of my life

why must i put up a facade to the world
i mean it fools only people i shouldnt be friends with
i say that i need no approval nor care what others think
but i do
i honestly do
i die to know what people think
and even when i do reach out to ask
if given no support i just default to
the fact that i say i dont care
how many people see through me
how many people know that i care what people think
but how many peoples opinions actually matter to me
and why them
time
influence
love?

Am i truthfully in conflict
and is that different from confused
are either of these things actually bad at all?
I feel as though Dr Simonson was right
all conflict is is differing information
thereby it is a surplus amount of information that just needs sorting
so why stress
i will come to an answer
sometime
doesnt have to be right now
as long as i get there it doesnt matter when
this isnt a race
and if it is
i wont mind coming in last
and living the most

where is the root of my chronic lying
did i see my brother as a teen
running from my parents gaze
going of to smoke and ingest illegal drugs?
Or is it attention seeking from my childhood of feeling like the least important
am i dillusional and think that i am the least important
while my brother and sister maintain i was center ring
is being the best so important i will fabricate lies
that will in th end hang me

and what of the manic depression
is it chemical imbalance
is it perception
could it all really be genetics
look at the line i come from
anger management
divorce
high stress
dramatics
maybe it really is genes
and maybe i owe a severe debt of thanks to OK

i have some baggage
who doesnt
just cause you dont see
as if in an airport
doesnt mean we all dont have a bag
or three
its my junk
i am happy to drag it along
the load will get lighter
and the bags will get smaller
eventually
it'll be a wallet
and that day is exciting

-------------------------------------

Truthfully
i have no idea what to write
i feel uninspired
which is quite alright with me
it at times would signal
my mind slowing
however
maybe just this once
it is calm again
something i havent felt in a while
did owning up to my shit do something good?
Does reminding myself that i should focus on me
do some good
why does it truthfully matter what those around me do
if it does not actually effect me
i mean emotionally whatever
but physically if it is doing no harm
what is the issue
is it normal to be this emotional
even if it isnt though
its me
and i am doing better than i ever expected
i mean honestly
the part of me that worries about them is quieter now
but i fear that it is only because i have removed them as much as possible
from my life for a given time
will it return if i let them back in
thinking that i have helped myself
if it does
how will i react

wait

one day at a time
one beat of my heart
one breath in my lungs
one moment at a time
anything else
really doesnt matter
stop thinking ahead and think about now
let the moments come when they do
and take them in then
try not to assume and jump ahead
cause if you are going with your eyes closed
you have no idea where you will land

so with this
breath

really thats all

----------------------------------------------

It the midst of this mess of a life
I attempt to think of what i truly know
who i am
what i are for
why i am here, still
what matters
questions plague me
answers are few
to think that i feel as if i know nothing
is deafening to all senses
if i know nothing of myself i feel
as if i know nothing of the world
or society in any way
if i as an intelligent person
know nothing of who i am
or for that matter
nothing of personal value of myself
i truthfully feel blind deaf and mute in this world
from birth
but i know
in some part of me
that i know something about myself
some ever constant part
that seems to be rooted deeper than anything i have ever known
what is it
that i desire love?
Need love
want love
feel love
am love?
By the extension that i
am one of God's creations
he created all existence
out of love
thereby making me love
as one of his creations
but can i buy into that completely?

What is the purpose of my self hating
is it to always be challenging myself
to never rest until i am better
i cannot dare say it is to condemn me

what is the truth behind my low self esteem
the manic depression
lack of friends
i dont know
but maybe i am not supposed to know right now
maybe one day it will click and i will see it all clearly
or maybe it wont
it could come slowly
for the rest of my life

why must i put up a facade to the world
i mean it fools only people i shouldnt be friends with
i say that i need no approval nor care what others think
but i do
i honestly do
i die to know what people think
and even when i do reach out to ask
if given no support i just default to
the fact that i say i dont care
how many people see through me
how many people know that i care what people think
but how many peoples opinions actually matter to me
and why them
time
influence
love?

Am i truthfully in conflict
and is that different from confused
are either of these things actually bad at all?
I feel as though Dr Simonson was right
all conflict is is differing information
thereby it is a surplus amount of information that just needs sorting
so why stress
i will come to an answer
sometime
doesnt have to be right now
as long as i get there it doesnt matter when
this isnt a race
and if it is
i wont mind coming in last
and living the most

where is the root of my chronic lying
did i see my brother as a teen
running from my parents gaze
going of to smoke and ingest illegal drugs?
Or is it attention seeking from my childhood of feeling like the least important
am i dillusional and think that i am the least important
while my brother and sister maintain i was center ring
is being the best so important i will fabricate lies
that will in th end hang me

and what of the manic depression
is it chemical imbalance
is it perception
could it all really be genetics
look at the line i come from
anger management
divorce
high stress
dramatics
maybe it really is genes
and maybe i owe a severe debt of thanks to OK

i have some baggage
who doesnt
just cause you dont see
as if in an airport
doesnt mean we all dont have a bag
or three
its my junk
i am happy to drag it along
the load will get lighter
and the bags will get smaller
eventually
it'll be a wallet
and that day is exciting

------------------------------------------

To write further feels futile
and anything that would come of it
would be worthless by my own eyes
so read this when you return here
and know
you decided well in your own mind
that it was better to not write than the latter
and know you were convicted

all it takes is conviction
following your all
you will be ok

i am hearing the words grandma said it
knowing that i think them
but i would only think that if it was possible
if it was supposed to be thought

grandma vandervelden
are you there?
I want to say yes
and if you are
come to me in my sleep quickly
and i will know

that – i cant even put it into words
that god is love
that things will be ok

and they will be
trust

----------------------------------------

just some things for ya'll

i think
i know not what to say next
feeling residue
to act or react

feel that i have made the right decision

i just think i need more time with those who are gettin it right

thanks

brad
andrew

kevin
mike

i promise nothing
not a thing
it may be part of my genes
it may not be
but i did not ask for it
the thoughts i think
are still there
whether or not i am medicated
it is hard to ignore
the ones that seem possible
whether its 90 or 20
i still think them
and sometimes want to buy into them
to be angry and sad
would be so easy
but since when is the easy road
my road?

nuts to those
who put me down
and attempt to hold me back
if you dont want me
no one is saying that you have to have me
i can move with or without you
and its always forward
you better believe that
i am not turning around
but ill gladly look back
to learn a lesson
but going back
i think not
only forward only growing
always better

always human
alexander scott brosseau
oh just wait till they get a load of the real me

i promise nothing


i am not gonna say how i am gonna react
i am not going to say how i will feel
just know that
it's on now
this life thing
is starting up now

cut away
get away
not run away
cause i will return
it's not our time
but it is my time
time to figure shit out
without

see you all later

so this blog is more than just my thoughts
its my honest thoughts
but i could post lies on here
and who would be the wiser
not outlandish things
but everyday things
like how i am doing
what i am thinking about
i could change my entire viewpoint on life on here
why should i though?

my mind is not getting along with my heart and i

i have been wondering if i have been lying to myself again...

hell

so i set out to make a list of the people i love
and i came up with a short list because i wasnt sure who to put on it
i mean i had people that i loved
but there were so many i wasnt sure about
we'll just say that there are many people
that i care for sooo much

i have junk
that is in lots of luggage
baggage if you will
except if i were to travel
through this world
i would never wish to lose it
even when i say i would
never could i leave it
so i buy some bright green luggage
with bananas and cows on it
so that no one will think
that my baggage is theirs
it belongs to me
that hideous container is mine
holding parts of me
parts of me i would never leave behind

-------------

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love [repeat]

I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

what a man
i mean British and gay...
how much more can you improve

the lyrics are great
but wrong at times
at least from my current station

no hope?
no love?
no happy ending?

i think he is wrong.

helping others helps yourself
feel better adam
i give a shit

how quickly the focus changed
from one to the other
purposeful?
did i just speak suspicion or assumption
or just mere curiosity...

in what i would consider
solitary activities
nothing stands against me
not now
never again
i am the master of my own destiny
here we go
runner-recitalist

Thank you Dr. Simonson

Les donneurs de sérénades
Et les belles écouteuses
Echangent des propos fades
Sous les ramures chanteuses.

C'est Tircis et c'est Aminte,
Et c'est l'éternel Clitandre,
Et c'est Damis qui pour mainte
Cruelle [fait]1 maint vers tendre.

Leurs courtes vestes de soie,
Leurs longues robes à queues,
Leur élégance, leur joie
Et leurs molles ombres bleues,

Tourbillonent dans l'extase
D'une lune rose et grise,
Et la mandoline jase
Parmi les frissons de brise.

the single best hidden track ever

Over my shoulder, running away,
Feels like i'm falling, losing my way,

Cold and dry,
Cold and dry.

Fog out my daylight, torture my night,
Feels like i'm falling, far out of sight,

Cold,
Drunk,
Tired,
Lost.

Over my shoulder, running away,
Feels like i’m falling, losing my way,

Cold, dry,
Cold and dry.

Fog out my daylight, torture my night,
Feels like i'm falling, far out of sight,

Cold,
Drunk,
Cold and drunk.

---------


btw, he did

and thank you eleanor

point of pride:

can you say you've been where i've been?
seen what i've seen?
done what i've done?
oh
i'll be there in the end
who will be there with me?

Audra... thank you... you too Elvis Costello

Now I have nothing, so God give me strength
cause Im weak in her [his] wake
And if Im strong I might still break
And I dont have anything to share
That I wont throw away into the air

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
she was the light that Id bless
she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength, God give me strength

I cant hold onto her, God give me strength
When the phone doesnt ring
And Im lost in imagining
Everything that kind of love is worth
As I tumble back down to the earth

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
she was the light that Id bless
she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength,

God if shed grant me her indulgence and decline
I might as well wipe her from my memory
Fracture the spell as she becomes my enemy
Maybe I was washed out like a lip-print on his shirt
See, Im only human, I want him to hurt
I want him
I want him to hurt

Since I lost the power to pretend
That there could ever be a happy ending

That song is sung out
This bell is rung out
[he] she was the light that Id bless
[he] she took my last chance at happiness
So God give me strength, God give me strength

Thank you Sarah T.

Ach, ich fühl's, es ist verschwunden,
Ewig hin der Liebe Glück!
Nimmer kommt ihr Wonnestunde
Meinem Herzen mehr zurück!
Sieh', Tamino, diese Tränen,
Fließen, Trauter, dir allein!
Fühlst du nicht der Liebe Sehnen,
So wird Ruh' im Tode sein!

----------------------------------

the most beautiful song possibly on earth
sung by one of the most beautiful people i know
in every way

thank you for making my day better

mozart wrote the most beautiful music on earth. does that make him a genius? does that mean that he cared about who he was? was he in conflict with himself? if music reflects the person and society and his music is almost perfect, does that mean he was not in conflict?

a mist shrouds the hills
of a morning mind
clouds hang with a hidden sun
melting the edges into colors
soft pastel
somewhere between sickening and beautiful
the mist will dissipate
as the sun rises
the ground will be seen
for what it is
beautiful
green
lush
healthy

till then

-----------------

a song means something to you
and it now means something to me
i dont want it to mean anything
because of you
because you care
sick
maybe you get what it means
no happy ending
no
none
not like this
ever
fix it
or face it

------------------

i dare someone to match my quality or conviction
take a bullet for someone you dont really know
or for that matter care about
i have no disregard for life
because i could have taken my own
and i finally realize what value it has
but maybe
just maybe
my want to take a bullet for others
just show my willingness to die
even if it is for others
it was still my decision
kinda like suicide... dont you think?

melodrama
angst
dont tell me its just this age
and dont tell me its trite
its life
if i feel it
perceive it
it matters
its real
i fucking matter
fuck you

do i just say i dont get alone well with people?
is being cold and hard a good thing in my eyes?
i think it is

i also dont think i should talk
or say my feelings to the people that they involve
cause i feel like i fuck up lives more than i help

suprise?
nope

and the downward slope beings

sure seems familiar

three point five hours of conversation
and a weight has been lifted
thank god
even if nothing comes of it
he said he would be different with out me
and is happy that i was there
and wants it better than current
not worse
not awkwardness
but i am still gonna be there
for him
period

oh to get away
to live among another people
who are like you
but so far different from you
with a new language
a new culture
alone
to think
and live
and breathe
how interesting
i think it's what i am supposed to do
at least for a little while

-------------

i feel the above it quite trite
but whatever
i write what comes out
and it is what it is
nothing more than thoughts
lacking in line
and format

i sit here and watch events unfold
and know that i still feel the same
if not more
what does that say?
i will take care of you
as long as you need it
because i would rather be with you
than without you

i hate it when people push me away.
i would guess that most of the time it's my fault.

i hate it even more when people don't like me
why don't they like me?
all i am capable of is being myself
so they really must not like who i am
i must be scary
or i must be intimidating
i must be intolerable
what the hell
go to hell
i am great
fuck you

i think in the end
i have to be an ass hole
cause that way
i can hide the parts of me that i do no wish others to see
the parts of me that are soft
not weak but kinder
more gentle
the parts of me that can get me hurt


i do not wish to be hurt
but if that is the way
so be it
let it be
let it maintain
let it grow
hurt
lesson leared

i would rather be a Jack to someone's Will than not be a player in the cast at all. To be able to say I was there through all the relationships all the hooks and hell. And to have stood with you. To be able to say that I saw it all. And I stood by. And I always will, sounds so much better. Even if it never means, to known them fully.

i seem to hurt
not from physical exertion but
merely from mental and emotion wrought

to you
who is keeping you waiting
no one should shold waste your time

and you
do i fear time with you
because i fear that i may fall back in love with you

and you
is it your and i's stance that causes the pain?
that is slowly opening the door to a room full of water
enough to drown me?

god heal the pain
god give me strength

i look at information
given by a friend
someone whom i would love
to be involved with
i see what he says about
who he is
what he does
i see his preferences
his standards and requirements
i see his trepidation
and his anticipation
i think that i could fill his needs
i believe i could be the best for him
so i ask this
is it better in this instance
to push the envelope
try to redefine
or is it better
to be the one
who is standing by
always there through everything
the good and bad
the first and maybe
i could be the last
even if that were not so
i could say i was there
and i knew him
and i loved him
and still do
and always will

sometimes i think i would be better off without gay friends
just because i meet someone
and then they meet that same person
and i become second or third rate
but even then
i would much rather go through life with gay friends
than without
and let's be honest
i have the best gay friends that anyone has ever seen or heard of
and i am catching up in looks
and when the day comes that i am "equal"
i will not be vain
honesty and karma walk hand in hand
and god reigns through me with his will

i miss the you i've seen
the you in my mind
i have always thought was there
the one in front of me
is not you
not the real you at least
without the quips
the bullshit conversation
this person you appear to be
isnt you
you are better than this
in nearly every way

i miss him
i am over emotional
today... it was a hard day
when it gets late
i feel more
or maybe its not more
maybe its just perception

i find myself coming to grips with new revelations of myself
involving what seems to be feelings for men
from the same area
what is it about urbandale
why dont i just be more male
by that i mean simple

if only the stereotypes are true

i am at times
presented with such temptation
i sit alone
at times
with others to whom i am attracted
do i act
when under the influence of lifes throws
no i did not
why
inner beauty
better purpose
am i wise?
what would have happened
why dont i ever just find out
fearing to be that guy
the guy who is so shallow
but still yet cares not
if others know
of his doings
and misdoings
making him a whore
shameless
i am not that man
i dont want to be
and i keep myself from being
him

oh hell
it sounds like someone i know
someone i have loved

i have never been provoked by someones life
so much that i wish to hit them
normally i personally am being provoked by the person
this time
its her decisions

--------------------

it makes me so angry watching perfectly good people
act as fools do
close themselves off
disallow growth
and shove opportunity

----------------------

why is it that i lack all direction without goals
and why do i need someone else to help me set them?
what is it that i cannot seem to do it myself
set the goals and achieve them?

----------------------

i know good people
i just wish i could see them more
or that they would come home
it would be nice to be near this people
spend more time with them
grow more with thim
but such is life
this is not my plan
it is not my life
its a ride that i am on
and happy to enjoy and not enjoy
to learn and grow
to become better
at all costs
even if that means that i grow
beyond
the rest of the pack and feel as though
they cant catch up
they will
eventually
and it will be all the sweeter then

i think of myself at times
as alone
and i walk a single path
never to vary from it
these events are supposed to happen
i am to be frustruated and such
to wish to die at times
and know that in life
i must keep going
to accomplish anything
growing any
learning lessons
all to happen
in time
out of it
asymetric
everything planned
and i will keep going
with the knowledge
or lack there of
of when it will end
because my date is set
and i cant change it

if only now i can accept the lack of control

at times like now
my mind is flooded by things to write
in an unintelligent order
undecipherable...
do i dare write
and let judgement occur
by myself let alone others
or do i not write
and simply say

i am frustruated
with myself
my feelings
my thoughts
my friend
my loves
my life

but i dont regret a thing

its all in the plan
all in the will
i will follow unknowingly
and attempt to love
and attempt to live
for no one on earth
but for love
of life


i feel that i didnt even make sense to me

that sounds good

one tells me to be a boy
to act as a child would act
speaking what I believe to be true
being open and honest
not acting brave

i am told to be reserved
to be the adult
and not to speak hardly at all
be open and honest but not if its negative
and dont put on a front

i am told to be plain
to be boring
and to be boring is not to speak but listen
to not question what i am told
and just be neutral

i am asked what i want
and told to follow it
but what do i really want?
anything?
what part of me isnt in conflict with another?
to find a part of me that isnt
would be to find what i really dont give a shit about
maybe?
because if i want something bad enough
wouldnt there be a fight about the pros and cons
but what about what i need
am i neglecting that
am i only self serving and going after my wants?
by do i need?
what am i doing wrong?
what can i fix?
why i am so destructive?

why cant i figure out these questions

when will i

will someone care

will i?

it's amazing. i see things at times
that should be funny
but i just have a hole in my heart
and i dont know how to react
and because of such
i hide myself
from everyone
since when did i reinstate the pity party
so I dont like who I believe myself to be
and on top of that now I have feelings for someone
which complicates things
they are not unconquerable...
but what side will previal
and when?

without my past
i would be nothing
he holds this odd place in my life
will he ever be gone
how can his words still move me
if i could walk away
i would

only to walk and grow

You told me to be the little boy inside
And I insist on resisting
but tonight i found out
that i am not a little boy but a puppy
loyal, true, whiny, and outgoing
maybe not exactly what you intended
but it gets the point across yes?

Tonight I watched an entire miniseries... "The 10th Kingdom" this show was around right after Calista Flockhart bombed a TV version of Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream".... it was loosely based on all of the original fairy tales which we all grew up with. WELL 7.5 hours later I have a resolve;

I WILL READ THE ENTIRE BROTHERS GRIMM COLLECTION.

Those bitches were genius and the original ones to open childrens imaginations. It was tits.

Btw, to the power(s) that be

Tonight was you at your best. I was presented with an opportunity. And then you showed me which way it was gonna go.... ie not for what I wanted.... HAHA. Thanks. Honestly. No sarcasm.

i find myself at times
being more bothered by
extracurriculars
than by my actual life
but i come back
to find i miss things
i miss parts of myself
did i leave them behind
for good reason?
were they worked out of me?
i find myself questioning
me
for so long that i sometimes
find that i have stood still
as others moved forward
oh to bound forward again
maybe even to pass them all
and leave them
behind
me

i found pictures of he and i today
in my desk alongside things of great nature
i was kissing him in one
and standing along with greats in the other
what to say
what to think
is beyond me
Bob will be missed
Connie will heal with time
John will be happier, hopefully
David will grow
Nicole will be amazing
as for me?

I'll be here
and to say there wont be trumpets

thats just a lie

i quit my job at johnston

free time is all around me

get my money in order

so i can get my travel plans in order

Tara & Terry take me over

the world seems to be moving forward quite beautifully

i got my urbandale fix and would like some more
my family vaca to the OC wasnt bad at all
the whole money thing seems to be working out
i have two weeks left of classes and plenty of time to bust my ass

sweet

do it and finish well


reward yourself

suprisingly i still can take being asked,

so where do you go to school?
whats your major?
how is that going for ya?

blah blah blah

i dont like meeting new people that i have no or next to no affinity to.

i know my parents mean well

but right now

i am just seeing what they are doing

is tearing down my plans



oh christmas just got harder

accept how i currently feel

i found a high schooler attractive this evening
i found a friend, i think, attractive, and i think he found me attractive too

i am attached to a lot of people emotionally.

i give a lot out and don't get much, if any back

but all of my feelings for anyone, are still overshadowed by him

I want to be fluent in the language of my people. No bull shit, I want to be able to speak so well they have no idea where I grew up.

I want to sing in French and German.

I will do these things.

I think I want to drop my education major. Not to say that I would never teach, but I dont want to take 266.

VOMit

what have i left behind?

what am i missing out on now?


regardless, facing foward

i move onward

toward the future
knowing that where I have bee
what i have learned
can only help me

brighter days
brought to us all
by thought

dip all of me in rubbing alcohol
clean me and let me dry
when i am no longer damp
allow me to fly free
stretch my wings and soar


oh to fly
and not to worry
how close you are to the sun
for fear your wings
will melt

"Icarus was not an achiever..."

I am

I will be

nothing for granted

everything for learning

help me off the ground

and i will cut the sky

with my silverly form

i am a bit vain

i should look better

but in the meantime

i know i miss him

i am disguested with what he was wearing
because what he is wearing who he believes himself to be
and i know it not to be true

i am saddened by my appearance and deportment
feeling second rate and left behind and unattractive
i think about you and know nothing but assume everything

leave social situations early
supress comments for fear of a scene
thats me

i beg that i be removed

eva cassidy calm my soul
depressed repressed and opressed
i feel all of these things
when i do wrong
i pay for it
and i know it

i miss being naive sometimes

here's me being a little boy.

it does bother me.

here's me being a big boy.

i lied about it not bothering me and I am sorry.

i wonder how long it will take for me to tell him...

if you feel that you are in love with someone
and you dont love yourself

you are wrong

a person should be alone
until they can function on their own
and after that point
they are allowed to date

no one is alone.

nothing a person does is ever alone

Samuel Barber is a genius. His ballads are beyond all beauty.

I miss Ted, Elyse and Melissa already.

Andy Lamp IS my best friend.

I wish I could write like Pablo Neruda.

I suprised someone tonight.

Singers sometimes vocally masturbate, but it is still pretty sometimes.

you feel far away

and you are

and i am sad

about what?

probably that

ugh.

thank god for fall break

i miss him

i want to kick my boss

i need to practice everything more

i finally feel frustruated with Hannon

i'll wait to celebrate another year

some things have fallen into place

the rest of my life needs to do the same.

if it's not him. i don't want it.

staying true. doesn't mean i have to stay blue.

kill me. with prayers. kindness. life so beautiful.

everything was confusing before

my stomach dropped out

i drove to ames

i got eyed by someone so much

that i might as well have been having sex with them

everything is more confusing now.

i am loved. and i believe it.

first off
yes i was devastated
that lasted a short moment
i freaked and slightly hyperventilated
thats fine
it was needed
but now
i look at it as
if it happened, it was meant to
i have no control
i can not even be mad at anyone
cause wether or not i deserve it in my own eyes
it would have happened
so here is to a rededication
to kicking my own ass
spiritually
mentally
academically
vocally
here is to a new me
that in the end
is better
for all of it

i may like a boy
which may not be the best

but i cut my hair
and prayed to God
that my life would start over
and thus far
it is new
and amazing
and about the boy
he will lead me to my answer
and through my actions
to where i can be happy

tonight i was at a gathering of persons. i was one of two persons who describe themselves as homosexual. a girl was speaking to the other person who drescribes themself as homosexual and said, "there are no other gays here."

i rejoiced

and

i cried.

to the struggle

no not a toast

but a prayer.

i feel like i have more reason
to feel more in every direction
you took a single risk that i saw
and then took another
now i found another risk
and someone who is just as into you
as i am
the jealousy did spike
but was overshadowed by the fact of this risk
two times now i have seen you over a wire
synthetic site with real information
i wish you would just out with it
but you are gone too soon
people will react yes
some well some not
but in the end the ones who stay with you
are the ones who truely matter
and i am not going anywhere
like it or not

what is this feeling?
so sudden returning to me?
the feeling wanting me to return
to where i grew up
driving a hole
into the pit of my stomach
i for some time
had been fighting a feeling
of attraction to the gendered
and thought i had made serious progress
but when i heard about you
it took me back to where i was before
not destroying past work
but a path back
so here i stand
at a fork in the road
one leading forward
one leading backward
but the backward path
guarentees nothing
who says if i turn
that the world will fall
in place as i have in my head
who says he will turn to me
and the distance would hurt
i do remember the past
i know right from wrong
but the feeling
pulls me apart
to choose
is a battle
neverending

sometimes i deal with a bout of depression. lord knows how long they are gonna be. but they are gonna be. thats all that i can really know. trodge on against tomorrow. and work for the better day. and the day where i trodge less and less. as i become a better person.

cantamus calms the savage beast. or my soul.

it is the 4 o clock hour. i am bored. not tired. and i dont feel like doing anything gay. this is a great moment!

here's to a bit of re-creation.
i no longer have earrings.
i got a new blog format.

so heres to the rest;

dear homosexual persons
if i like you
please dont like my friends
and then run off with them
and then if you are my friends
please dont run of with people i like
people that are doing the sweeping
you are not my friends truely
people that are being swept
you arent worth it

apparently people with the name John are cooler than most
John Miller and John Peitzman
congratulations on being amazing and being straight
you both have an easier life next year
yes, if only Inno would realize what talking to me gets you

I still needs hugs
anybody should just dive right in
first hug
keep the prayers coming
I got past part of it
now to just clear the rest

here's to feeling a little bit walked on
by a genius no less
and i do mean genius cause he is
heres to my mentor and hero
just cause stalter tells you
that you are too talented to teach high school
i saw fuck you stalter you are ruining U Iowa
to Janiece, Cody and Teej
you guys rock my face on and off
janiece watch how friendly they are
when they lift you by your ass
Cody, keep on punching my stomach/belt
and making racial slurs
Teej be careful to not be funny
cause you arent and funny wont work for you
i meant it you arent funny
:i was smiling while i wrote Teej's::

i need a hug.
i need prayers for deliverance
anyone?

hey i am not where you think i am. i am not sure wether i want to be there or not. i am just looking around. trying to look at every option because thats SMART.

btw, hey couples, you arent helping my struggle and you really arent hurting just not happening. i am being attracted to people that i normally wouldnt be attracted to because the people are one happier than i and two they have someone. i just want Gods arms to come down from heaven and pick me up and make everything ok. so that way i know its totally possible. cause i really dont have the faith that it will all end ok. so God if you can hear me, bring me hope and faith to my life and fill it with love. anyone who reads this think about it if you arent religious and if you are religious, pray for it.

thanks

the mood changed again. i just want to scream until i bleed from my vocal chords. why do i listen to myself when i speak from two areas if not three... why do i do things wrong and somehow try to rationalize them by saying that god is in control i mean he always is... but come on even when I do things wrong? can someone help me out on this. everybody pray about me please. i need all the help i can get, in every area. sweet lord.

i keep falling, i must rededicate myself to God. I think my falling could be linked with how much activity has occurred with homosexual persons in my life namely the amount of non sexual activity involving them. Also ever since PRIDE I have had an issue with someone. And I fear talking to him about it. I cant beleive what he said and I feel like him in turn agreeing with how I felt was a total cop out. Just cause I associate with persons involved in something doesnt mean I am that originization or what it represents. I also have been looking around me lately and finding that I am gettin that feeling of loneliness ie the Lord's presence isn't strongly felt in me right now. when i am strong with him I feel no emptiness. I dont feel lost but I feel as though a part of me is missing. I know that I cannot fill that void with someone wordly it has to be someone greater than everything. leaving one option, God. but it is still hard for me to look around and see face to face relationships as well as relationships that are also purely sexual. it makes me rethink my morals, ethics and life...

do i want to teach music, people say it drives people away...
would i be happier as a slut than as someone who is more sexually conservative...
should I take time to see if any gain can come from a face to face relationship...
should i spend this much time on music now just beacuse it will help later...


and anyone that is remotely awake, sorry if this is bitch, can tell that this email is a literal fight in my brain. i mean come on between who and who. GOD and the devil. its that easy. I refuse to fall again so soon. REFUSE.

harmonic minor solfege happy birthday? don't you wish you were here? btw i love reading peoples blogs on here and myspace. it is windows into their souls like facebook... see you all at pride i'll be with my mentor and amazing author chad thompson...

sittin down
and trying to write
how i feel
when all the time
i know i am held back
for reason
but i feel without reason
i fell
and fell hard
and just kept on falling
i know i am not lost
but i am easily distracted
from the straight and narrow path
that i am trying to walk
but ya know
i put myself
into situations and dont walk or turn
away from them
so waht do i expect
a different world?
no
i can accept what i have done
because it cannot be changed
for once in my life
its not about right now
but its about the end
but without right now
there will be no end
so heres to trying to walk
the straight and narrow path
but when i fall
i will not cry
but rather look and learn
and grow from the experience
cause whats not to take away
from a negative experience?

when i hear and see people joining together as one person. especially a man and a woman, it leaves me with a sense of being lonely and lost but at the same time, it give me hope, cause if anyone around me deserves happiness, that means I should too. Right?

Read The Book: http://www.lovinghomosexuals.com
Go To The Website: http://www.inqueery.com

i cant be happy
apparently
not with just one thing
but all
apparently
i dont want what i have
i want what i cant have
why should i want at all
why should i dream at all
why should i hope
why should i care
why should i try

cause god does
hard to hear
not much comfort but one day it will be

i keep falling
the music to my ears
is not something that is pleasing
i fall
and i feel nothing
more than anything
i feel so strapped
with negative thoughts
this is not a quick change
it is a slow change
i must persevere
i must keep going
and not the the scars of falling
keep me from anything

tonight i thought that maybe people run from me in part because i challenge so many people so much

i think i can never say i love you enough and to me thats a great problem to have

i fear the end of this academic year, wow havent felt this in a while

i have these negative thoughts across the spectrum and i dont know what to do

why is christian music so true

why did i get chills when i listened to Promise

show choir gives me focus that means that its a good thing right?

i dont like falling beind
i dont like failing
i dont like waiting for word
i am impatient
i dislike a lot
too much

i like being impatient
i like being on track
i like passing hey, evening getting a's
i like knowing

elation

oh to be over him. he still was a part of my life that was needed to see the things i saw, and learn the things i learned. but now i see what he says and laugh. i hear the things and they sound crazy. i see what i never saw in him. thank the lord. i am my own. not his. he is part of me.

Pretenses and expectations
set by those outside of you
remember I am not that man
I am not my man nor that boy
I do not wish to be what
found myself to be of late
thats not wrong
at least I dont deny it

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Praise be to God the father and his son.

Let strength fill me and hope overflow.

Let me be more like you, every day.

Sleep embraces and life moves on.

hope for a better day, through you.

so, neat! this past week really did go well. things i need to do this week.

Learn "Old Red Hills Of Home" from Parade for Musical Theatre.
Go To SOV: My Fair Lady rehearsals.
Learn "Putting It Together" from Sunday In The Park With George for Musical Theatre.
Go to ALL classes this week.
Inspire Inno at Rehearsal Monday night
Work on Take Home Test for 337
Go To Iowa State Singers Rehearsal with Anton Armstrong on Tuesday night.
Write Brass Composition for 337
Go to Cedar Rapids on Saturday, for the double day!
Download all listening for 120
Get back on to the arranging horse.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am very close to my one week goal of abstinence! WOOT! How dorky and amazing is that? Very amazing and very dorky. But NOTHING is wrong with dorky. Remember I am in music, nothing we do make much sense in the mainstream.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear God,

I thank you for the strenght you have given me thus far. Tomorrow evening will pose much challenge in every way. My goal was one week, please do not let me falter beyond that. I now call for more strength to continue. Continue beyond my goal. This will help to show how great you are. How people can do anything via your help and encouragement. I will be able to apply that to many things, work, voice, piano, school... everything. Thank you.

Amen

To Do:

-Have an odd but real conversation with my estranged-ex
-Get a reccomedation for judging in Indiana
-Have a near breakdown then come flying out
-Become closer with a person whom we never expected to be closer with
-Hang out with choir directors wife for Thursday morning



oh this week in my life

lately it seems to blow to be in competition. i dont care what kind and what for. it just seems that competition for anyone that deserves to do well hasnt. and in the end shouldnt the judges of these competitions be looking to themselves and noting that they are the ones failing those who deserve it. instead we seem to give the awards and accolades to those who put nothing behind what they do. it is sad. it makes me not want to have a group in competition ever. which is ever more sad because we can learn so much from competition. but learning in so many situations anymore means taht we must feel a negative emotion first to gain something from it. death to sadness/loss to get to the happiness of the fact that the person has moved on to better.

bah i just dont know


plus being gay still isnt fun

dear god,

deliver me more strength to serve you better. and allow me to defer sinful behavior from my life.

amen