ask who is crazy
and i will be first in line
to tell you
that i am crazy

i love my life
i love how odd it is
thanks for the passion
and for the voice
and sometimes
for the lack of words

why why
someone try and tell me why
they think their actions
are working for the common good
remove rights
define marriage

poetry past
marriage impossible
look at the world we live in today
it is amazing how hopeless i can feel
but yet
i was much more hopeless then
and didn't realize that possibility that the world held

stop talking about god
and talk about love
the one thing we all have in common

remove the rights of one and all rights are lost

love in need of love

when you do not write
it is as though
the calls stopped

but returning to writing
is as though you open the phone lines
to the world
and calls seem to trickle in at first
but soon
it is a flood
of anything
you can imagine
..........................................
how we all long
for the unexpected
friend
situation
kiss
encounter
time
sunset
place
on the water
who
two people
stand
as if on an island
alone
the sound of the waves
the smell of salt air
the graceful touch of their hand
the comfort of warmth
familiarity
words need not be spoken
the moment
is enough
it is enough
øøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøø
the weight of love
can be quite unbearable
and can also set you free
never did tink
think that the same thought
could both lift one to the sky
and bring another crashing down

it is one thing to be in love
and another to be loved
the merits of either
completely debatable

what is known
that when it comes to love
it isn't always right
or best
and
it is always better to put love in
and never fear that you will return nothing
love will come around
it will find a day
*********************************************
body
awareness
perceiving one's own self
could be harder than you think
you may think
that you know you
but the route to the prize
may be more treacherous than you expect

if you don't know yourself
how will you know anyone else
will you feel their weight
their need
their hand
do you want to miss the possibility
of more
of love

being with
someone
being with someone

the finesse
of the touch
and the movement of the world
are ever evolving
and if we do not know ourselves
we have no chance to know the world

give me somebody to sing for
give me somebody to show
let me wake up in the morning to find
i have somewhere exciting to go
give me the music
give me the chance to come through
all i ever needed
was the music and the piano
and the chance to sing for you

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

empty out my little head
as empty as my bright red bed
pour from me the stirring thoughts
and all the things i wish i'd forgot
give me to a bit of rest
so i may wake and find i'm blessed
remembering the love i've known
and seeing how i've grown

i will not ask for
the things i do not need
for in the moments
we plant a seed
germ and bud and leaf push out
searching for the sun above
to the sun in roundabout
with the rain it grows in love

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

look back at moments
and tell me
are you happy
do you want to change anything
cut or paste

would you trade it
for the world

tell me your first kiss
tell me how you became an adult
tell me who mattered most

we tend to grow forward
i hope
and i fear that we do not look back
in the moments we can

try not to regret a decision
being happy isn't a lie
its a state of mind
that you have control of
be thankful for what you have
cherish the littlest

thanks to Jean de la Ville de Mirmont for inspiration

the horizon
debatably fabulous
is always just that
the horizon
lining the world you see
day in
day out
out of reach
but acting
sometimes
as an agent of hope
and on occasion
a aide of hopelessness


years ago
i embarked
on a journey
one of countless many
this one
of education
and possible change
and hope
falter did i
and attempt
to persevere
and leave
to a world
that helped me to learn
and i returned to the journey
and i now doubt every day
how much i learned
how ready i was
and if i should be here
it is hard to say it is a waste of time
because i am gaining life
and knowledge
but at what cost

words for the day
stark

it is amazing how much we can change
and yet still feel alarmingly the same
feeling that we have
and are
growing older
but in some
sometimes many ways
are surprisingly young

too old to make sure
that you are up in time
on saturday
for cartoons
but not too old to watch them

i feel like i am watching those around me get older
while i seemingly stay the same age
but i feel the ever present march toward death

having the vision
that even though
things seem to be improving
that i am succeeding
in some way

that the remainder
are digging themselves deeper


the distance
does not equal out
i am sinking
below sea level
and the air is too thick to breath
and i may drown
under the weight
of own mind

you may never understand.

you are one of two friends

you are my only gay

i love you

despite

and for

all of these things


stop

hear me

i love you

it's that simple

i love you

i find myself quite perturbed
sometimes
when i realize
that i may not have traveled as far
as i once thought
i may have changed
and grown
but my armor
per se
is still permeable

i am still bothered by things
mind you these things now
may have been at one time
misunderstood
if understood at all
but now i seem them with much
higher clarity
or greater understanding
to know whether or not
what i know
is true is yet to be seen
and may not be known for some time

but what i do know is this
i prefer to be communicative
fear confrontation
i would say i do
but in the end
facing my problems head on
has greater impact
than avoiding them
or bottling them

i would much rather be proactive in my life
than let things deluge fall on me
and eventually bury me with the waves
that are sure to form

so here's to the people that rather than lunch
skip the meal to do what must be done
to get the work in and done
and done well

to those that look at school
not as a social environment but as a place
of work

i wish to you join you in that
i can eat later
and i can socialize later

i have often found
that being hungry makes the meal that much more satisfying
and that the friends i attempt to make
aren't always the ones i should be hanging around with

so i'll go hungry
and see who wants to join me for a late bite
because
they not only may be living a life like mine
but they will want to spend their time
with me

just because they are social lords
does not make them a lady
withholding of social approval
for whatever reason
give out but don't reply
accept but make no effort

i have never heard of such things before
only this sect
this division seems to make these actions

why do you think that is

i taste pennies

no its not normal
i want honesty
with communication

saying nothing isn't actually communication
explaining why you wont be speaking further
is communication

so i do what i want
not necessarily what i must
to get my answers
deception
seems to be a very american thing
use it to your advantage

i get answers
not necessarily the ones i want
but answers none the less
that add
some sense of finality
are welcomed
at some level

regardless how much like copper
they taste

let's review

i live a life
that is not always easy
as many lives are

i wish that i would have made different choices
i wish that i may have been made different

in my heart of hearts
i find myself
in my thoughts
and actions
always believing in a higher power
i find truth in Jesus and his father

i am quite aware that at this stage
that may very well be
not the easiest road

for my actions call out to me
that they are not pleasing

at night
like tonight
i am kept awake
by nagging suspicion
by negative self talk
and i cry out

god grant me the peace and serenity
so that i may sleep
so that i may rest
so that i may rise again

i feel once more
that i stand alone

that by being gay
and feeling that he is capable of all things
including having made me this way
i too can be an instrument of his work
but i still feel alone

i do not always feel his hand
his warmth
his love

but yet i continue to turn to him
i continue to hear a voice
telling me that there is someone

i don't know what to say anymore
i don't know how to continue

i feel afraid of the possibilities of my past life choices
i may have damaged things so much
that in my current view
i do not see many choices
chances
left for me

and for that i am sad
but i must remember that i
with love
with grace
with kindness
with devotion
with resilience
with perseverance
i can do what needs to be done

for whether or not i may believe always
that there is a god
and he gave us his son

i do believe
that if all of these things were true
or not
these stories
these men
these ideas
were written down
for a reason
and found a way into my life
for a reason
and that canot be ignore

so i ask
the expanse
let me improve every day
let me grow every day

let me grow in the definition of love
for love
as
in my idea
the common uniter of all religion
is all that matters

so if the lord is love
and his son was of love
let me live of that same beautiful basic

love
thats all i ever seem to want
and sadly
feel that i rarely felt

all you need is love
all i need is love

and maybe it is better
to love without reciprocation
than to have never loved at all
maybe that devotion
is a testament
to the spirit that dwells within you
and the backing that love has
that it will not cease
it cannot be stopped


and if this is true
i again
hear the calling of the lord
telling me
he did not make a mistake
not when making me
not with my sexuality
not with my choices
because he will use all of me
and it was his design that built me
and it is he who will not desert me
for in the end
i may be a testament to him

and if you come to think
that maybe
he is a selfish and praise needing lord
i beg this question
if he did create us
and all that is on this earth
would he
if he were a real man
not be a man of accolades and worth praise
for creating so many things
but lets stop for one minute
and think
on one creation
the human spirit
is hard to break
it bends
it can be lit aflame
and can drive a person
to do unimaginable
seemingly impossible things
that creation
something intangible
inside of every one of us
may be
the greatest creation of all

i am thankful for

second chances
heart
loyalty
love
friendship
music
passion
Schubert
German
French
Italian
the ability to sing
good fashion
my life of opportunity

this all feels trite
but every year
we are asked
to round the table
with
what we are thankful for

so what am i thankful for

i am thankful
that i have been brought up the way i have been
to think critically
to ask questions
and to never accept anything as best

this has always had me leaning into the wind
pushing myself forward
wanting more of myself and others around me
and at times
hating quite a bit of life

i have flown from end to end of extremes i can in my life
and i am thankful for that
that the experience i have is deep and wide

i am happy for the great things I have been able to do
i have an opportune life
that not everyone has
and i am thankful that I was dealt the hand i have been dealt

i also am quite happy for the mistakes i have made
and will make
mistakes and flaws remind me that things are real
imperfections make something perfect
at least in my own eyes

so here are to the fuck ups i will commit
and here is to me getting back up
as soon as i can

here is to the people who stand by me
through all of my bull shit
not always directed at them
but sometimes
the overflow ebbs in their direction

so here is to the man who seems to have
lived in my life for what feels like forever
i said my peace
but i don't want to be done
i doubt i ever will
i love you
and miss you

i hope we can pick up where we left off
like always

its an interesting feeling
attempting to unload
release back into
the wild

your
friends

losing them for whatever reason
not enjoyable

realizing that
some things
are merely superficial
a different
kettle of fish

all in all
it never ceases to amaze me
that friends
are always on my mind
and in my heart


this all felt quite trite but
with the best of intentions

i can do all i want
to attempt to not remember
not to forget
but to pass forward
beyond where you reside
in my memory

but day or days
hours or moments later
you return
as if
knocking on the door
ringing the bell
patiently waiting
smiling
through the shades

hello again
welcome home

you are a welcomed guest
whether i will be happy in the end
is debatable

here's what i want to say
what i know may need
to sing
to make you understand

i want my friends back
my life
my family
my fire
my passion
determination
honesty
love

i can't seemingly go backward
i cannot recreate the past
nor even similar conditions

doesn't mean i don't want to try
but that doesn't mean i will

god help me

another Linda Ronstadt feature. and James Ingram.

holds true. to this thought of mine. regardless the cheese.

let me be challenged
yell all you want
i am hyper critical
and that guides me rather well

i try to take control of the little things
my diet
my body
my soul
my heart

but my mind won't ever fall in line
neither will my heart
or my soul
or my body

now my diet...
there is an interesting idea
vegetarian

i just want my friends back
i want to have things be simple
i want to be in love
and be loved
i want to feel free
i want to fly
i want to be done with this state
and with this frame of mind

i want and want
i dream and dream
and i attempt to do and try

breathe motherfucker
breathe

let go

rain fall
breeze blow

sleep when it gets to hard
and get back up and try again

how do you have free time
how do you have free energy

how are you supposed to hang out with your friends
when their schedules are just as bad as your own

how do you relax
when your brain just won't slow the fuck down

how do you relearn
something you thought you already knew

how do you stay sane
when you feel like everything around you
can only add up
to you becoming crazy