i wonder why the world dealt me that hand
and the one before it
that is tied to the one tonight
why did she say what she said before
and why when i talked to you about it
did you respond in that fashion
i guess
your fashion
as it were

and then you show up
and i bend
and melt
and flow
for you
and all the walls i attempt to build
come crashing down
as if just mere sticks
not adobe
or bricks
or even rebar and concrete

and my company
looks at me
almost with pitty
for the way i let you in
and the way you open the door for me

but i seem to say to myself
better to be
with and in some semblance of pain
than to be without

am i convincing myself
or others?

i still think i love you
or maybe its
i think i still love you
or even
i still love you
i think

i found a part of myself tonight
i dont know how to feel about it
besides kinda happy
i guess
its the bitchy part of me
that really either
takes time off
or is beyond subdued
so
it came out full force tonight
the sarcasm came skipping along too

it was
is
nice to know that its still there
it makes me feel more accomplished
that i am actually moving past it
and not that it just stopped existing


btw
dont write shit on walls like that
it makes me want to puke
joke or serious
i dont care

i might always be the other one

ok,

===
1
you are one of a very few people
who actually
approach me tonight
you nearly bowl me over with your hug
it made me entirely too happy
but i really dont mind
i love your touch
but what i love more
you being my friend
i want to talk to you
i hope we do that soon
===
2
alright
you now officially take john's place in my heart
thats really it
i hope you remember everything from tonight
cause i sure as hell am
i hope we hang out
and i hope we can continue this trend
===
3
how i have missed you
without thinking about it
you are one of my favorites
always have been
glad i could spend this time with you
another person i should be talking to
at the very least
on a regular basis
make that happen flute boy?
===================================

so here's to an evening that actually went well
i feel at little bit bad about being a
social butterfly whore
but oh well
for once
i feel good
i saw friends
i drank
and lordy
i felt like i was myself
bitch or not

loves

whether looking across a crowded room
or a table
i look at you
in a way
that i do no feel with anyone else
our relationship has "changed"
but still remains quite the same
and i still look at you that way
and with one more look at you
i dont know how i will feel
i almost hope that things dont change
at least when it comes to what i see
when you smile
laugh
are angry
in thought
when it comes to those moments i see
your absolute beauty
and you in turn
make me feel absolutely
beyond words

from time to time
i wonder about the secret lives
of those that surround me
not so much even whole lives
but the lies and secrets that
present facades to me
i hypothesize and theorize
whilst i should be going to sleep
and in turn keeping me from the thing
i intend to do

i wonder about what they do after they leave
if their future actions will match the plans they said
did they go home

did they go astray
====================
====================

convoluted words
mixed in with a dash of action
throw personalities
chock full of perspectives of their own
he said she said
and in turn
they both thought this of them
even without the weighted verbs
tied down with pronouns
the future is unknown
and unsure
nothing positive
nothing necessarily negative
just a big ball
of conflict
sometimes silent
at times out loud
maybe even dramatic
heaven forbid
queens

dont say it
dont speak
another word
of oral intercourse
actions
show your hand

it all leads back to you sir
it all leads back to you
even when i meet someone new
and they occupy my time
you either interrupt my thought stream
or are the lovely next sentence
to follow the end of theirs

i kinda wonder from time to time
why the people that come into my life
do
i mean
not only why do people come in
and go out of my life
but why
do the types of people
that come and go
come and go
why is it
constantly the type of people
i feel like more and more the
guys i am attracted to
are the ones i "shouldn't be"
attracted to
full of impossibility
possibly lackluster in quality
or some glaring issue maybe
and why do i fall for their entrance
into my life
why does it sweep me off my feet
not that the person is
but more like their entrance is
the opening of a door to a stormy
iowa march evening
clear crisp and full of wind
and i am just a piece of paper in the wind
blown for what feels like miles
when all in all
if you were to write them down
i would indicate they were nothing
to remark about

and why
why do i still think about you
whenever anyone else enters my mind
any possible person that could "replace" you
i think of them
and then of you
and i am not sure if it is my conscious self
pushing you back in
or whether its my unconscious
my soul
my heart
pushing you back to where it believes
you belong
at the forefront of my being
my thoughts
my heart

i wish i had someone to talk to about whats going on
other than my counselor

stretched out
stretched out over the map
what appears to be a man
but a boy in ways
and another
who is slightly older but still younger
giving awkward silence for awkward silence
savoring nothing
=============
=============
when i sat there with you and him
i not only thought of myself but
i thought of us and you both
and none of it felt right today
this is shit
=============
=============
i wish i could be the asshole who lives inside of me
and say the things i keep inside
be outlandish and brash
even more so than now
i wish i could have the you you've shown me
be the you you always are
not to expect you not to change
but merely to be that open
i should expect your behaviour by now
but even six
almost seven years
i have learned not
================
================
i am a conflicting ball of emotions and concepts
once more
and why not throw myself into the fire
for the burning flesh
in feeling and odor is what reminds me that
i'm alive
surprisingly
my absence from you makes me think
that things are not as they were
maybe that distance has improved
my functional ability
without being inundated by you
in my mind
but the moment i hear your voice
read your words
see your face
i melt
i fall to pieces once more
so my months of sub conscious rebuilding
is for nothing it seems
but i find myself
questioning
questioning whether or not the cross is too much
if the load may be breaking my back
rather than just scarring me
i have felt this way before
and face the unknown again
sneaking suspicions arise saying that i will stay
for "he's not heavy"
but i must question the sanity of my decision
if to keep you on
because my year is about my improvement
of self
and maybe you being my "junk"
should find its place on the pile
rather than in the suitcases i dont wish to haul
behind me
forever

its very comparable
to having a cut be made
then having it heal
when just
suprise
you are cut again

i didnt see you for 6 months
but as soon as i saw you
the "wound" was reopened

and i miss you
all over again
as if it was the first time
we had to part

1. i do not the looks i believe i was given by one person i was not waiting on. you can stop. i know him too.

2. i do not enjoy the look one asst choir director gave me this evening. lady, listen, time off of school is necessary, not for everyone, but for me, yes.

3. i do not enjoy feeling like i am no one's first choice. and i also do not believe that i am no one's first choice cause they are all choosing themselves first (as they should) but am just merely not their first choice. also i am aware that it is the holidays and that people are busy. but this time of year merely drives the point that shows itself all year, all the way home.

4. i do not enjoy hanging out with people from high school cause it reminds me that so much of what i dont like about myself, is still inside of me.

5. i do not enjoy feeling like i am looked over or taken advantage of (in any sense) in my relationships. especially ones i do not care to lose.

6. i know that there are still feelings there. but things have definately changed. but maybe if we saw eachother more often and both put time and effort into our relationship, things would be/could be different.

7. i desperately need chris westra back in my day to day life.

8. steph hyatt is clear and away my best friend.

9. i love the people that are able to pick up where we left off and not talk about our past for more than 3 minutes.

10. hey crapids, why do you grow people so weird? and why do i have to want to die to talk to someone i really give a shit about.

11. sometimes, even if it doesnt involve me, gay comments and references and jokes, really get to me, and i do take it personally. for no reason. but for some reason i must. i am not asking for everyone to walk on eggshells. it just needs to be said.

12. i really do believe in what i am doing. i really wish that the people who werent on board with it and me, would just back off.

12. i wish my brother and sister and i were all closer.

13. i cannot wait for every doctors appointment i go to, cause it makes me feel better about life when i know i am going cause i want to be better and feel better.

14. i really am trying not to be a planner anymore. more of a liver, as dumb as that sounds. i really just want to be happy. theres my plan, get happy.

15. i am full of love. and i know that i don't always show that. but i do ask that if you possibly see anything in me, to take the time to get to know me. especially if i am taking the time to get to know you. and part of me thinks that sounds awful, but i am not willing to not say it.

16. i feel crazy when i write blogs, and that the people who read them will think that i am crazy and over-emotional.

17. i'm done for now.

this blog is dedicated to quite possibly, the best lyrics and sentiment put to work in any form or genre... in maybe the last 10 years.

to Brenda Russell, Allee Willis and Stephen Bray.

=
=

"Our Prayer"

I WANNA KNOW HOW THE WORLD GOES.
HOW FAR IS THE MOON?
HOW THE SKY CHANGES COLOR?
HOPE I FIND OUT SOON.

What you want?

I WANNA SIT AND DO NOTHING.
MAKE YOU A NEW DRESS.
HOPE MY BABIES ARE HAPPY,
SOMEPLACE GOD WILL BLESS.

Celie! Get to work!

AIN'T NO NEED TO DISCUSS.

IT AIN'T WORTH A BIG FUSS.

WHATEVER COME TO US
IS IN GOD'S HANDS.
WHEN I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP,
I WILL SAY MY PRAYER
THAT GOD LOVE ME SO DEEP,
HE WILL PROMISE OUR SOULS TO KEEP
TOGETHER.
I'LL SAY A PRAYER.

Who that man talkin' to Pa?

He lookin' for a new wife take care of his mean chirren.

I WANT TO MARRY NETTIE.
SHE A SWEET YOUNG GIRL.

She too young.

SHE'S THE CUTEST THING
IN THIS WHOLE WORLD.

She gonna be a teacher.

PICTURE ME IN A SCHOOLHOUSE
WITH MY COLLEGE DEGREE.
I COULD TEACH ALL MY CHILDREN
TO SPELL TENNESSEE.

You can have Celie, though. She too old to be livin' at home.

MAYBE I'LL HAVE A GARDEN
WHERE BIRDS COME TO SING.
KNOW A FINCH FROM A SPARROW,
FIX A BROKEN WING.

I don't want Celie. She ugly.

I WANNA HEAR YOUR BIRDS SING.

WANNA HEAR YOUR SCHOOL BELL RING.

NO MATTER WHAT LIFE BRING,
US IN GOD'S HANDS.

Whyn't you quit comin' 'round here and just go marry your Shug Avery?

SHUG AVERY

Who Shug Avery?

SHUG AVERY!

She Mister ol' girlfriend.

Shug Avery not a child-raisin' woman, you know that. She the Queen Honeybee.

She a low-down ho, is what everybody say.
You lookin' for a new Shug Avery, you better go to Memphis. All we got here is one
pretty gal you can't never have, and one ugly gal

. . . that work like a man. I-I-I-I
I-I-I-I REALLY WANT THAT GIRL.

I told you no!

WHEN I I WANNA
LAY ME DOWN TO MARRY
SLEEP, NETTIE.
I WILL SHE A
SAY MY PRAYER SWEET YOUNG GIRL.
THAT GOD LOVE
ME SHE THE
SO DEEP, SWEETEST THING
HE WILL IN THIS
PROMISE WHOLE
OUR SOULS WIDE WORLD.
TO KEEP TOGETHER. I-I-I-I
I'LL SAY A PRAYER I REALLY WANT THAT GIRL.

You want any kids?

Someday, I guess.
WE'LL LIVE IN BIG HOUSES.

PUT SWINGS IN THE TREES.

BRAID UP YOUR GRAY HAIR

IN THE COOL OF THE BREEZE.
AND ONE DAY
OUR CHILDREN WILL SING -
WHEN I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP,
I WILL SAY MY PRAYER
THAT GOD LOVE ME SO DEEP,
HE WILL PROMISE OUR SOULS TO KEEP
TOGETHER.
I'LL SAY A PRAYER.
I'LL SAY OUR PRAYER.


"Too Beautiful for Words"

You not ugly. You the grace of God if us ever see it.
You don't believe me.
Miss Celie . . . Miss Celie, look here. Look at yourself.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE KIND OF GAL
THAT HAD A LOT TO SAY.
I SAYS THE THINGS THAT'S ON MY MIND,
TOO DUMB TO SHY AWAY.
BUT YOU HUSH MY MOUTH AND STILL ME
WITH A SONG I'VE NEVER HEARD.
I GUESS THAT MEANS THAT YOU ARE JUST
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.
I'VE SEEN THIS LIFE FROM HIGH AND LOW
AND ALL THAT'S IN BETWEEN.
I DANCED WITH DUKES, CROONED WITH COUNTS,
BEEN COURTED LIKE A QUEEN.
BUT WHEN I SEE WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART,
ALL THE REST IS BLURRED.
THE GRACE YOU BRING INTO THIS WORLD'S
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.
YOU HIDE YOUR HEAD UNDER YOUR WING
JUST LIKE A LITTLE BIRD.
OH, DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL,
TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS?
CELIE, YOU'RE TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR WORDS.


"What About Love"

Harpo make a lot of money if you stay here and sing.

Yeah, but now you got me feelin' so much better, I got to get back on the road, make
some money, you know.

When you have to go?

In the morning. But I'll be back, too, in a month or so.
You'll see. Nobody ever love me like you.

Damn, girl.

IS THAT ME WHO'S FLOATING AWAY?
LIFTED UP TO THE CLOUDS BY A KISS,
NEVER FELT NOTHIN' LIKE THIS.

IS THAT ME I DON'T RECOGNIZE?
LOVE'S THE ONE THING I KNEW ALL ABOUT,
I HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT.

BUT WHAT ABOUT TRUST?

WHAT ABOUT TRUST?

WHAT ABOUT TENDERNESS?

TENDERNESS?

WHAT ABOUT TEARS WHEN I'M HAPPY?
WHAT ABOUT WINGS WHEN I FALL?
I WANT YOU TO BE
A STORY FOR ME
THAT I CAN BELIEVE IN FOREVER.

AND WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

LOVE?

WILL YOU BE MY LIGHT IN THE STORM?
WILL I SEE A NEW WORLD IN YOUR EYES?
WITH YOU MY WHOLE SPIRIT RISE.

AND WHAT ABOUT HOPE?

WHAT ABOUT HOPE?

WHAT ABOUT JOY?

WHAT ABOUT JOY?

WHAT ABOUT TEARS WHEN I'M HAPPY?
WHAT ABOUT WINGS WHEN I FALL?
I WANT YOU TO BE
A STORY FOR ME
THAT I CAN BELIEVE IN FOREVER.

AND WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

LOVE?

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT

WHAT ABOUT LOVE? . . .
SHUG CELIE
YOU AND ME YOU AND ME
YOU AND ME YOU AND ME, OH,
SENT TO ME
WHAT ABOUT
WHAT ABOUT
WHAT ABOUT
LOVE?
LOVE . . . ?


"The Color Purple"


God forgot about me!

God takin' his time getting around to you, I admit, but look at all he give us.
Laughin', and singin', and sex. Sky over our heads, birds singin' to us. I think it piss
God off if anybody even walk past the color purple in a field and not notice it. He
say, "look what I made for you."

God just another man, far as I'm concerned, he triflin' and lowdown . . .

No, Celie. God not some gloomy old man like the pictures you've seen of him.
God not a man at all.
GOD IS INSIDE YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE
THAT WAS OR EVER WILL BE.
WE COME INTO THIS WORLD WITH GOD.
BUT ONLY THEM WHO LOOK INSIDE FIND IT.
GOD IS THE FLOWERS AND EVERYTHING ELSE
THAT WAS OR EVER WILL BE.
AND WHEN YOU FEEL THE TRUTH SO REAL,
AND WHEN YOU LOVE THE WAY YOU FEEL, YOU'VE FOUND IT
JUST AS SURE AS MOONLIGHT BLESS THE NIGHT.
LIKE A BLADE OF CORN,
LIKE A HONEYBEE,
LIKE A WATERFALL,
ALL A PART OF ME.
LIKE THE COLOR PURPLE,
WHERE DO IT COME FROM?
OPEN UP YOUR EYES,
LOOK WHAT GOD HAS DONE.

You better be gettin' back. Your husband probably wonderin' where you are.

Where do you want to be, Celie?

With you.

All right then.

God gon' take me to live with you?

Come on.


"I'm Here"

I DON'T NEED YOU TO LOVE ME,
I DON'T NEED YOU TO LOVE.
I GOT . . .
I GOT . . .
I GOT MY SISTER.
I CAN FEEL HER NOW,
SHE MAY NOT BE HERE, BUT SHE STILL MINE.
I KNOW SHE STILL LOVE ME.
GOT MY CHILDREN.
I CAN'T HOLD THEM NOW,
THEY MAY NOT BE HERE, BUT THEY STILL MINE.
I HOPE THEY KNOW I STILL LOVE THEM.
GOT MY HOUSE.
IT STILL KEEP THE COLD OUT.
GOT MY CHAIR
WHEN MY BODY CAN'T HOLD OUT.
GOT MY HANDS
DOIN' GOOD LIKE THEY S'POSE TO,
SHOWIN' MY HEART
TO THE FOLKS THAT I'M CLOSE TO.
GOT MY EYES.
THOUGH THEY DON'T SEE AS FAR NOW,
THEY SEE MORE 'BOUT HOW THINGS
REALLY ARE NOW . . .
I'M GONNA TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
GONNA HOLD MY HEAD UP.
GONNA PUT MY SHOULDERS BACK,
AND LOOK YOU STRAIGHT IN THE EYE.
I'M GONNA FLIRT WITH SOMEBODY
WHEN THEY WALK BY.
I'M GONNA SING OUT . . .
SING OUT.
I BELIEVE I HAVE INSIDE OF ME
EVERYTHING THAT I NEED TO LIVE A BOUNTIFUL LIFE.
WITH ALL THE LOVE ALIVE IN ME
I'LL STAND AS TALL AS THE TALLEST TREE.
AND I'M
THANKFUL FOR EVERYDAY THAT I'M GIVEN,
BOTH THE EASY AND HARD ONES I'M LIVIN'.
BUT MOST OF ALL
I'M THANKFUL FOR
LOVING WHO I REALLY AM.
I'M BEAUTIFUL.
YES, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
AND I'M HERE.

i could sit and wonder everything about it and us
i would gladly cry and make a fool of myself
if it would help move us any further forward
but not necessarily if it would move us any faster
i want to write on your wall and make it obvious
and show up in your day to day life and make a scene
but i know that would accomplish nothing of what i wish
so i look to you now and and ask please
please very much help me to understand
what really has changed
beyond my location
but with you
i have been told by someone moderately crazy
that you have changed
not that i don't believe her
it's just that i think hesitation is worth it with her
but the likelihood that you have changed
i hope is high
but not in regards to leaving us where we once lay
i too have changed and grown
but without being there with you
you have no idea where i have gone, nor i you
i would love to talk with you
and sit with you
and wax on about any little thing how boring
but i feel as thought that is impossible now
and i know that i am essentially rambling on
but the amazing thing in this case
is that i feel like i have yet to hit my mark
my phase
where to the reader
if there is one
all would become clear
to where everyone would be unlikely not to understand
i just really love him
in the way that i do
which i know has quite a bit of merit for delving
and i understand that i am loud and brash
but i am a person of substance and worth investment
and after the initial moments
which by the way we have past that quite a long time ago
i tend to open up and show you
the person worth it all
and for me
you were worth it all
all my energy
all my time
not cause i wanted you or needed you
in any sexual way
in any way perverse
i needed you in my life
cause i had never experienced anything like you
any higher "thread count" in a person
a person of such quality that not only would
you on paper be worth volumes of research
but you would inspire songs and dances and poems that would be cronicled
oddly enough
also into volumes for the world to look over
i may scare you in some way
i may have caused you to take a load
because i could see
being my friend more than likely
isn't easy
but
if you did succumb to that
i am let down
i am sad
i am partly destroyed
but i doubt that
i want to know why you were too busy for me
when i have never shown you
to my knowledge
that i was too busy for you
what cause us to be where we are
and i hope you want to know as much as i do
but i feel like you dont wish to find out
maybe you are afraid
but i want to walk there with you
and find out
together
so at least, if even for a moment you and i will both remember
what we had before
as whatever we were
friends
brothers
work out partners
acquaintances
but even if that was supposed to be the last moment
i would have felt it one last time
and really
i still think
in my heart
that isn't too much to ask

i think i know some of the stupidest people.

i think i know someone i love dearly who for some reason cannot tell me the truth.

and i have so much to learn. and i love it all dearly, because i will love to see how it all works out.

to all of my relationships I have maintained over differences in proximity;

Alex and Steph
Alex and Mandy
Alex and Ana
Alex and Kevin


and countless others...

thank you for showing that distance is no burden.

and with a rush of feelings
an old friend returns

i feel alone
or destined perhaps
to be
i mean i look around
and i see those who continue living their lives
without me
and it makes me question
did i really have an impact
i mean sure they feel something
but can they really continue on
completely ok

now trust me
there is a part of myself
that knows that i sound crazy
and knows that this question
is a bit off kilter
i mean to ask if someone can truely live without you
do you really want them to not be able to
would you be ok with that
would you be able to exist inside the relationship
with that
knowing that

i dont think i could

but all the same

i wonder how much they think of me
how much they miss me
and if they all cried
like she did
when they knew i was gone
i wonder how they will all react
if i really didnt come back
at all

i am slightly surprised
in the moments
where i displace myself
just in the mind
from where i truely

driving down a road i am no longer in iowa
instead i am in new england
the lights go out as it storms outside
and now i am in WWII London

my mind
even when unaltered by substance
is quite amazing
seeing the things it wants to see
almost separate from myself

almost to let me dream
as well as to wake me up

i will also wait for you
till the day where you will come to me
finally accepting me
for what i am
the best option
i believe
for you
the one that has always loved you
and known
even before you knew
i didnt see you for a year
and the feelings dripped away
falling piece by soggy piece
until all the piece of this puzzle
were scattered and indistinguishable
and in one night
the puzzle
reconstructed
as if it had never been anything but whole
and in that moment
you threw my world back into chaos
more than it already had been
never will i be surprised by the gays
and the way they will stir my life up
bringing the brine to a boil

i will continue to wait
for you
and your word
finally saying that you
will accept my help
the help that has been waiting for you
all these years
the whole time

running way out loud
dancing through a day dream
trying to figure out
what the hell my life should be
i feel so stuck
--

i am just wondering where to go
and what to do
with all of this new information
and revived information

to act my age
to stay in school
in iowa
in ames
to move away


and to be done with all the drama in my life
gay or straight

i sometimes wonder
why i am the one putting in the effort
who has put in the effort for ages
and now i am still the one trying to make it work
i am not saying there is a sense of entitlement i hold on to
however i do wonder
but then again i am not in the same position
so i cannot say if i would do the same

however
it does make me wonder