have you ever had a piece of music stuck in your head
not a piece of music
but maybe a line
even without words
where it seems to perfectly express what you feel
and in stead of it just being stuck
it is actually reflective of whats going on
how you feel

ever find yourself
in a moment
where you know you want to cry
but trying is futile
and you dont think it is possible
where you search for a song
a movie
that will bring you to your knees
in a pool of your own tears

---------------------------------------

it seems that i have these moments
where i cannot believe
what anyone says
who i am
that i could be a good person
an attractive person
a person worth being friends with

these moments where i find myself talking
to those that mean the most to me
but still the most to me feels like nothing

having moments with these people sometimes

maybe results in this lull
or seperation
where all i can do is worry
worry about what i have done
if it was good or bad that is happened
and think ill of myself

these are the moments
i try to make less frequent
the moments i try to rid myself of
the moments i dont want to live
thats why i talk
thats what i keep going
thats why i want to stop

i guess in the end it was a good evening
and odd evening
full of moments of
not so much trepidation but surprise
i mean i found myself
so many times
with words coming out of my mouth
that surprised even myself
but it was great
it was a good conversation
it was a good evening
it was just surprising to me
i really dont know else how to put it
to talk the way we did
to interact the way we did
to understand each other the way we do

and even more surprised as the evening continues

so this is where i am at
i still feel
energy stifled
which in turn leaves me feeling emotionally constipated (thanks for the verbiage kevin)
so right now
i have been quiet
and really unable to express myself
which BLOWS
i read a fair amount today during day 1 of tour
which by the way
i hated
cause i hate choir


i still feel very alone
in just about every sense
and i felt a really nice embrace two times today

i say to myself
as well as others
this town is absolute parp for people like me
whether i believe it or not i think isnt debatable
but whether or not i have accepted is
is another story

why cant i find someone that even
fulfills a single criteria
that i hold

maybe its cause i despise most gay men
that are around this area...
i'd like to say i know that i deserve one
but i cannot say such things truthfully

and even when i ask opinions from other people
and get the answer i wish to hear
i dont accept it as truth
because for some reason i think they are lying?
or if they arent
they must be the only one to see it as such

and now it seems i cannot keep focus
or clearness of mind
so i will be done

so if you are reading this
and for some reason thinking that this would be great to send to someone
really
go fuck yourself
this is my space
i dont hand this link out
for a reason
this is theraputic for me
and when i get told my a councelor to write my opinions and thoughts here
its for MY medical benifit
so really
bite me

this is for me
not for you
this is me getting it out here
this isnt for you to get me in trouble

have you ever wanted to cry out
in agony and angst
to attempt to tell the world
how you feel
and you know that no words would escape you
only unpatterned and indistinguishable noise
but we hope
that someone
within range
will hear it
and listen
and make sense of our incoherency
who is that person for me
can i be that person for you

i wish that people would realize
the impact of touch

tonight i did lay with a man
for less than 10 clicks of a clock
and it was enough
to warm my heart
remove the anger from my heart
and focus on the life
that i was interacting with

this man was no one that i am in love with
it is a man that i love
like many people that i love


it is people like him
that make my life worth it
people that i can help
that can also help me

people that help to fulfill and two way street

it was a moment
that turned into one of those hopefully passing times
where you feel incredibly unwanted
like no one finds you worthy
where the thoughts creep into your head
and you know they shouldn't be there

at least you know well enough to say they aren't true
and feel that in your heart that you're right about it


i guess it is one of those times
that help you to find yourself

but not to measure yourself by

I Believe In You and Me
I Believe That we will be
In love eternally
Well as far as I can see
You Will Always be the one
For me (Oh yes, you will)

And I believe in dreams again
I believe that love will never end
And like the river finds the sea
I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe In you and me

I will never leave your side
I will never hurt your pride
When all the chips are down, baby
Then I will always be around
Just to be right where you are
My love, you know I love you, boy

I will never leave you out
I will always let you in, boy (mmm, oh baby)
To places no-one's ever been,
Deep inside, can't you see?
That I believe in you and me

Maybe I'm a fool
To feel the way I do
I will play the fool forever
Just to be with you forever

I believe in miracles
And love is the miracle
And yes, baby you're my dream come true
I was lost, now I'm free,
Oh, baby cuz i believe, i do believe, in you and me
See, I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe in you and me.

------------------------------

what a song
what a voice
and its all there because of love
and all of her second chances
are because of love
i am full of it
love that is
give me a second chance
for the last time
no more lives after this
i will do it this time
no promises
no word
just results

some people just do things right
and sometimes the people that
have this information disseminated to them
do it well
and sometimes they dont

everybody has a purpose
and a niche
and thats important
for identity
but who is to say
that things cant change
a testing of waters perhaps
a change of pace
anything is possible
am i right

cause we are supposedly capable of anything

sometimes all i want to come home to
is not my home
not my apartment
but another's
to slip into bed with the one i love
to be able to slip into their bed
and even sleeping know their embrace

what it is to lay with someone
it is merely exquisite
i have known it so few times
which only makes it's meaning greater

i long for companionship
for someone to make me better and i them
for someone to eat with and sit with
to wake with and tire with

to have someone to sing to me
and whisper to me sweet things
to have someone who writes me
and causes my nose to itch
and my stomach to excite

to have my problems be fixed
to smile and know that all will be mended
no questions asked
no consequences

but it seems that the latter is impossible
i am powerful beyond measure?
how do i tap into that

if a person is to devote hours upon hours to something
wouldnt you want it to be beneficial to you for the rest of your life?
i mean sure there are two major options
something that will make me money
and something that will give me a greater base for continuing education in that area
i mean to me, in the end if you are given a great base
that means that you normally can keep learning
and keeping going forward
in regards to technique
that normally means a lengthier career in it if you so choose it
so ya know what

why not go the extra mile and have choreography be technical
why not go the extra mile to teach your kids real vocal technique

we wonder why things are not how they used to be

maybe in part cause we dont teach them the things that made the past great

ok so really i never write on here for just the sake of venting
so here we go

i want to fire a lot of people
anyone that allows bad teachers to teach
anyone that is a bad teacher
anyone who is unfit for their job
anyone who is teaching and lazy
anyone who is a teacher and unwilling to keep learning
anyone who doesnt realize that everyone is SOOO CAPABLE of ANYTHING

i am really very sick of watching great people who want to teach turn into people who accept what the "great" teachers say. and by great teachers i mean teachers who have taught for years, teachers who win, teachers who are retired, teachers who are respected...

cause ya know what

1. it isnt about winning and NEVER should be
2. most teachers (90% at least) really dont know enough
3. by not knowing enough respect is given to undeserving people
4. experience doesnt always result in the best wisdom because some people dont have their eyes and ears open to everything that the world offers


there are sooo many teachers that i have seen, heard, watched, been taught by, heard about that shouldnt be where they are

teachers who teach not enough
teachers who play games
who play favorites
teachers who make students believe that they are god
teachers who teach incorrectly
teachers whose whole philosophy is wrong
teacehrs who are RUINING the future

so what is it
when did it happen
who is repsonsible for this?
when did someone let their standards fall? when did teachers start allowing bad things to happen or to continue?

i am sick of the jaw wabbles.... and by that i mean laryngal tension that extends into the jaw and stick and causes nodes

i am sick of doppler dinamics that dont teach musicality

i am sick of students being unable to read music

i am sick of showchoirs dancing and singing not at the same time

i am sick of students thinking its about winning

i am sick of the singing of 2pt music by 4A choirs

i am sick of the amount of money being spent on a choir on their appearance rather than using that money to bring in people to help them with their problems and make them better

i am sick of teachers telling students they are the wrong voice part and teaching them the wrong voice part

i am sick of teachers telling their students to do things pedagogically incorrect

i am sick of teachers who dont hold to their word

i am sick of teachers who cant do what they teach

why cant showchoir be about the singing while dancing except for the ballad where you just stand and sing. why do groups have costumes for each number and sets and lights and effect and props... is it to distract us from what they cant do well? why are ballads only 4

pts.... if you are just standing and singing why dont they sing harder music if there is more energy to put in it? and btw whats with arrangements sucking? maybe its cause we failed the arrangers in some way by not forcing them to be better by having higher standards? why do choreographers have soo many pitfalls? maybe them too on the standards... and to these directors who are making these decisions about costuming props arrangements and their choir members? they too have been failed...

maybe just maybe we should fire people from now on, who arent good. maybe we shouldnt give people certificates to teach

if you have to have nodes because of how you were taught
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

if you bust a lip because of how your trumpet teacher teaches
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

if you develop carpal tunnel syndrome because of how you hold your mallets
that means that that teacher has caused you physical harm

its the same thing as being hit by a teacher world


if you believe that your shit dont stink and its all about winning
your teachers has caused you mental harm


its the same thing as the residual effects of molestation by a teachers

thats gonna be thousands of dollars to therapy to fix it... hopefully

so ya know what
teachers keep on mental raping your students and beating them till they are blue

cause thats what you are doing

uh

i know i will be back with this...

so i dont think i could fathom
what in the hell i would do
if i witnessed my child
being stood up
what would you say?
how are you supposed to react?

i just cant imagine

maybe the concept of death
truly is just a natural part of love
maybe it is a simple as
the worlds gift to one
who has fulfilled all of ones prophecy
maybe its the release from duty
the reward
for doing what was required of you
and sometimes what was not

whether the part they played
was cast upon it
a positive light or none such
the role was necessary

so play the role
and follow you heart the best you can
for it can only lead us to where
we can go
a little faster

i find it hard to say
that what i feel is not wrong
the attraction between two bodies
but
my quizzical nature brings me to
the idea that maybe just maybe
that if such a relationship
is based in love
true love
that if the two are in the truest form
lovers
how could that be wrong
two persons who would give their all
for one another
in every way
every energy passion and fire
life limb and happiness for that person

the moments of love are gifts from the world
and maybe its time we start remembering that
whatever your definition of love
and wherever it is in the journey
it is real to those involved
and we are not to push ourselves
upon it
so
let us celebrate the gift of love
between those common and not so

as i seem to have said more and more recently
love in any form is better than hatred

the sky adorns the earth with magic
everything sparkles as if new
the air is crisp and fresh
nothing is touched
a single figure transverses the purity
not wishing to soil it
he moves not so silently through the early morning
his vision is hindered
but he does not care
he drives himself
through the world around him
which seems to simple
and pure
in his heart knowing nothing
but the idea of this world
and its wonder

the "adult" idea
of staying up late
to watch the new year rise
and the old one fall

where does it come from?
does it come from the idea that
adults do it
all of them
and wish to in addition?

i found myself of late
not anticipating the event

not caring of my plans
or if i had someone to kiss

i merely found myself
yearning for reflection
for the purpose of betterment
and quiet

not surrounded by others
comsuming beerages
assorted substances

i was merely fine
with where i was
with my thought

my only change
would to have been alone with them

a question worth asking

people often search for silence
and there is where they find their answers

so by my finding answers in music
what does that mean

maybe i should try it in silence as well
and see how that goes

so
to the moments
where one finds no inspiration
in anything
to the times without pen or paper
and so much to write
to the great songs in
unfamiliar territorry
the times where passion
does infact translate into action
when feelings are expressed and
go unreciprocated
to the spelling and gramatical errs
and the beauty and honesty they create
to every moment
in a life

because they were supposed to happen as such
and there is nothing we can do about changing them

so just learn from them

maybe things are as simple as they seem

time to stop over analyzing?

answer is unclear