i seem to hurt
not from physical exertion but
merely from mental and emotion wrought

to you
who is keeping you waiting
no one should shold waste your time

and you
do i fear time with you
because i fear that i may fall back in love with you

and you
is it your and i's stance that causes the pain?
that is slowly opening the door to a room full of water
enough to drown me?

god heal the pain
god give me strength

i look at information
given by a friend
someone whom i would love
to be involved with
i see what he says about
who he is
what he does
i see his preferences
his standards and requirements
i see his trepidation
and his anticipation
i think that i could fill his needs
i believe i could be the best for him
so i ask this
is it better in this instance
to push the envelope
try to redefine
or is it better
to be the one
who is standing by
always there through everything
the good and bad
the first and maybe
i could be the last
even if that were not so
i could say i was there
and i knew him
and i loved him
and still do
and always will

sometimes i think i would be better off without gay friends
just because i meet someone
and then they meet that same person
and i become second or third rate
but even then
i would much rather go through life with gay friends
than without
and let's be honest
i have the best gay friends that anyone has ever seen or heard of
and i am catching up in looks
and when the day comes that i am "equal"
i will not be vain
honesty and karma walk hand in hand
and god reigns through me with his will

i miss the you i've seen
the you in my mind
i have always thought was there
the one in front of me
is not you
not the real you at least
without the quips
the bullshit conversation
this person you appear to be
isnt you
you are better than this
in nearly every way

i miss him
i am over emotional
today... it was a hard day
when it gets late
i feel more
or maybe its not more
maybe its just perception

i find myself coming to grips with new revelations of myself
involving what seems to be feelings for men
from the same area
what is it about urbandale
why dont i just be more male
by that i mean simple

if only the stereotypes are true

i am at times
presented with such temptation
i sit alone
at times
with others to whom i am attracted
do i act
when under the influence of lifes throws
no i did not
why
inner beauty
better purpose
am i wise?
what would have happened
why dont i ever just find out
fearing to be that guy
the guy who is so shallow
but still yet cares not
if others know
of his doings
and misdoings
making him a whore
shameless
i am not that man
i dont want to be
and i keep myself from being
him

oh hell
it sounds like someone i know
someone i have loved

i have never been provoked by someones life
so much that i wish to hit them
normally i personally am being provoked by the person
this time
its her decisions

--------------------

it makes me so angry watching perfectly good people
act as fools do
close themselves off
disallow growth
and shove opportunity

----------------------

why is it that i lack all direction without goals
and why do i need someone else to help me set them?
what is it that i cannot seem to do it myself
set the goals and achieve them?

----------------------

i know good people
i just wish i could see them more
or that they would come home
it would be nice to be near this people
spend more time with them
grow more with thim
but such is life
this is not my plan
it is not my life
its a ride that i am on
and happy to enjoy and not enjoy
to learn and grow
to become better
at all costs
even if that means that i grow
beyond
the rest of the pack and feel as though
they cant catch up
they will
eventually
and it will be all the sweeter then

i think of myself at times
as alone
and i walk a single path
never to vary from it
these events are supposed to happen
i am to be frustruated and such
to wish to die at times
and know that in life
i must keep going
to accomplish anything
growing any
learning lessons
all to happen
in time
out of it
asymetric
everything planned
and i will keep going
with the knowledge
or lack there of
of when it will end
because my date is set
and i cant change it

if only now i can accept the lack of control

at times like now
my mind is flooded by things to write
in an unintelligent order
undecipherable...
do i dare write
and let judgement occur
by myself let alone others
or do i not write
and simply say

i am frustruated
with myself
my feelings
my thoughts
my friend
my loves
my life

but i dont regret a thing

its all in the plan
all in the will
i will follow unknowingly
and attempt to love
and attempt to live
for no one on earth
but for love
of life


i feel that i didnt even make sense to me

that sounds good

one tells me to be a boy
to act as a child would act
speaking what I believe to be true
being open and honest
not acting brave

i am told to be reserved
to be the adult
and not to speak hardly at all
be open and honest but not if its negative
and dont put on a front

i am told to be plain
to be boring
and to be boring is not to speak but listen
to not question what i am told
and just be neutral

i am asked what i want
and told to follow it
but what do i really want?
anything?
what part of me isnt in conflict with another?
to find a part of me that isnt
would be to find what i really dont give a shit about
maybe?
because if i want something bad enough
wouldnt there be a fight about the pros and cons
but what about what i need
am i neglecting that
am i only self serving and going after my wants?
by do i need?
what am i doing wrong?
what can i fix?
why i am so destructive?

why cant i figure out these questions

when will i

will someone care

will i?

it's amazing. i see things at times
that should be funny
but i just have a hole in my heart
and i dont know how to react
and because of such
i hide myself
from everyone
since when did i reinstate the pity party
so I dont like who I believe myself to be
and on top of that now I have feelings for someone
which complicates things
they are not unconquerable...
but what side will previal
and when?

without my past
i would be nothing
he holds this odd place in my life
will he ever be gone
how can his words still move me
if i could walk away
i would

only to walk and grow

You told me to be the little boy inside
And I insist on resisting
but tonight i found out
that i am not a little boy but a puppy
loyal, true, whiny, and outgoing
maybe not exactly what you intended
but it gets the point across yes?

Tonight I watched an entire miniseries... "The 10th Kingdom" this show was around right after Calista Flockhart bombed a TV version of Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream".... it was loosely based on all of the original fairy tales which we all grew up with. WELL 7.5 hours later I have a resolve;

I WILL READ THE ENTIRE BROTHERS GRIMM COLLECTION.

Those bitches were genius and the original ones to open childrens imaginations. It was tits.

Btw, to the power(s) that be

Tonight was you at your best. I was presented with an opportunity. And then you showed me which way it was gonna go.... ie not for what I wanted.... HAHA. Thanks. Honestly. No sarcasm.

i find myself at times
being more bothered by
extracurriculars
than by my actual life
but i come back
to find i miss things
i miss parts of myself
did i leave them behind
for good reason?
were they worked out of me?
i find myself questioning
me
for so long that i sometimes
find that i have stood still
as others moved forward
oh to bound forward again
maybe even to pass them all
and leave them
behind
me

i found pictures of he and i today
in my desk alongside things of great nature
i was kissing him in one
and standing along with greats in the other
what to say
what to think
is beyond me
Bob will be missed
Connie will heal with time
John will be happier, hopefully
David will grow
Nicole will be amazing
as for me?

I'll be here
and to say there wont be trumpets

thats just a lie

i quit my job at johnston

free time is all around me

get my money in order

so i can get my travel plans in order

Tara & Terry take me over

the world seems to be moving forward quite beautifully

i got my urbandale fix and would like some more
my family vaca to the OC wasnt bad at all
the whole money thing seems to be working out
i have two weeks left of classes and plenty of time to bust my ass

sweet

do it and finish well


reward yourself

suprisingly i still can take being asked,

so where do you go to school?
whats your major?
how is that going for ya?

blah blah blah

i dont like meeting new people that i have no or next to no affinity to.