one tells me to be a boy
to act as a child would act
speaking what I believe to be true
being open and honest
not acting brave

i am told to be reserved
to be the adult
and not to speak hardly at all
be open and honest but not if its negative
and dont put on a front

i am told to be plain
to be boring
and to be boring is not to speak but listen
to not question what i am told
and just be neutral

i am asked what i want
and told to follow it
but what do i really want?
anything?
what part of me isnt in conflict with another?
to find a part of me that isnt
would be to find what i really dont give a shit about
maybe?
because if i want something bad enough
wouldnt there be a fight about the pros and cons
but what about what i need
am i neglecting that
am i only self serving and going after my wants?
by do i need?
what am i doing wrong?
what can i fix?
why i am so destructive?

why cant i figure out these questions

when will i

will someone care

will i?

it's amazing. i see things at times
that should be funny
but i just have a hole in my heart
and i dont know how to react
and because of such
i hide myself
from everyone
since when did i reinstate the pity party
so I dont like who I believe myself to be
and on top of that now I have feelings for someone
which complicates things
they are not unconquerable...
but what side will previal
and when?

without my past
i would be nothing
he holds this odd place in my life
will he ever be gone
how can his words still move me
if i could walk away
i would

only to walk and grow

You told me to be the little boy inside
And I insist on resisting
but tonight i found out
that i am not a little boy but a puppy
loyal, true, whiny, and outgoing
maybe not exactly what you intended
but it gets the point across yes?

Tonight I watched an entire miniseries... "The 10th Kingdom" this show was around right after Calista Flockhart bombed a TV version of Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream".... it was loosely based on all of the original fairy tales which we all grew up with. WELL 7.5 hours later I have a resolve;

I WILL READ THE ENTIRE BROTHERS GRIMM COLLECTION.

Those bitches were genius and the original ones to open childrens imaginations. It was tits.

Btw, to the power(s) that be

Tonight was you at your best. I was presented with an opportunity. And then you showed me which way it was gonna go.... ie not for what I wanted.... HAHA. Thanks. Honestly. No sarcasm.

i find myself at times
being more bothered by
extracurriculars
than by my actual life
but i come back
to find i miss things
i miss parts of myself
did i leave them behind
for good reason?
were they worked out of me?
i find myself questioning
me
for so long that i sometimes
find that i have stood still
as others moved forward
oh to bound forward again
maybe even to pass them all
and leave them
behind
me

i found pictures of he and i today
in my desk alongside things of great nature
i was kissing him in one
and standing along with greats in the other
what to say
what to think
is beyond me
Bob will be missed
Connie will heal with time
John will be happier, hopefully
David will grow
Nicole will be amazing
as for me?

I'll be here
and to say there wont be trumpets

thats just a lie

i quit my job at johnston

free time is all around me

get my money in order

so i can get my travel plans in order

Tara & Terry take me over

the world seems to be moving forward quite beautifully

i got my urbandale fix and would like some more
my family vaca to the OC wasnt bad at all
the whole money thing seems to be working out
i have two weeks left of classes and plenty of time to bust my ass

sweet

do it and finish well


reward yourself

suprisingly i still can take being asked,

so where do you go to school?
whats your major?
how is that going for ya?

blah blah blah

i dont like meeting new people that i have no or next to no affinity to.

i know my parents mean well

but right now

i am just seeing what they are doing

is tearing down my plans



oh christmas just got harder

accept how i currently feel

i found a high schooler attractive this evening
i found a friend, i think, attractive, and i think he found me attractive too

i am attached to a lot of people emotionally.

i give a lot out and don't get much, if any back

but all of my feelings for anyone, are still overshadowed by him

I want to be fluent in the language of my people. No bull shit, I want to be able to speak so well they have no idea where I grew up.

I want to sing in French and German.

I will do these things.

I think I want to drop my education major. Not to say that I would never teach, but I dont want to take 266.

VOMit

what have i left behind?

what am i missing out on now?


regardless, facing foward

i move onward

toward the future
knowing that where I have bee
what i have learned
can only help me

brighter days
brought to us all
by thought

dip all of me in rubbing alcohol
clean me and let me dry
when i am no longer damp
allow me to fly free
stretch my wings and soar


oh to fly
and not to worry
how close you are to the sun
for fear your wings
will melt

"Icarus was not an achiever..."

I am

I will be

nothing for granted

everything for learning

help me off the ground

and i will cut the sky

with my silverly form

i am a bit vain

i should look better

but in the meantime

i know i miss him

i am disguested with what he was wearing
because what he is wearing who he believes himself to be
and i know it not to be true

i am saddened by my appearance and deportment
feeling second rate and left behind and unattractive
i think about you and know nothing but assume everything

leave social situations early
supress comments for fear of a scene
thats me

i beg that i be removed

eva cassidy calm my soul
depressed repressed and opressed
i feel all of these things
when i do wrong
i pay for it
and i know it

i miss being naive sometimes