i miss him

i want to kick my boss

i need to practice everything more

i finally feel frustruated with Hannon

i'll wait to celebrate another year

some things have fallen into place

the rest of my life needs to do the same.

if it's not him. i don't want it.

staying true. doesn't mean i have to stay blue.

kill me. with prayers. kindness. life so beautiful.

everything was confusing before

my stomach dropped out

i drove to ames

i got eyed by someone so much

that i might as well have been having sex with them

everything is more confusing now.

i am loved. and i believe it.

first off
yes i was devastated
that lasted a short moment
i freaked and slightly hyperventilated
thats fine
it was needed
but now
i look at it as
if it happened, it was meant to
i have no control
i can not even be mad at anyone
cause wether or not i deserve it in my own eyes
it would have happened
so here is to a rededication
to kicking my own ass
spiritually
mentally
academically
vocally
here is to a new me
that in the end
is better
for all of it

i may like a boy
which may not be the best

but i cut my hair
and prayed to God
that my life would start over
and thus far
it is new
and amazing
and about the boy
he will lead me to my answer
and through my actions
to where i can be happy

tonight i was at a gathering of persons. i was one of two persons who describe themselves as homosexual. a girl was speaking to the other person who drescribes themself as homosexual and said, "there are no other gays here."

i rejoiced

and

i cried.

to the struggle

no not a toast

but a prayer.

i feel like i have more reason
to feel more in every direction
you took a single risk that i saw
and then took another
now i found another risk
and someone who is just as into you
as i am
the jealousy did spike
but was overshadowed by the fact of this risk
two times now i have seen you over a wire
synthetic site with real information
i wish you would just out with it
but you are gone too soon
people will react yes
some well some not
but in the end the ones who stay with you
are the ones who truely matter
and i am not going anywhere
like it or not

what is this feeling?
so sudden returning to me?
the feeling wanting me to return
to where i grew up
driving a hole
into the pit of my stomach
i for some time
had been fighting a feeling
of attraction to the gendered
and thought i had made serious progress
but when i heard about you
it took me back to where i was before
not destroying past work
but a path back
so here i stand
at a fork in the road
one leading forward
one leading backward
but the backward path
guarentees nothing
who says if i turn
that the world will fall
in place as i have in my head
who says he will turn to me
and the distance would hurt
i do remember the past
i know right from wrong
but the feeling
pulls me apart
to choose
is a battle
neverending

sometimes i deal with a bout of depression. lord knows how long they are gonna be. but they are gonna be. thats all that i can really know. trodge on against tomorrow. and work for the better day. and the day where i trodge less and less. as i become a better person.

cantamus calms the savage beast. or my soul.

it is the 4 o clock hour. i am bored. not tired. and i dont feel like doing anything gay. this is a great moment!

here's to a bit of re-creation.
i no longer have earrings.
i got a new blog format.

so heres to the rest;

dear homosexual persons
if i like you
please dont like my friends
and then run off with them
and then if you are my friends
please dont run of with people i like
people that are doing the sweeping
you are not my friends truely
people that are being swept
you arent worth it

apparently people with the name John are cooler than most
John Miller and John Peitzman
congratulations on being amazing and being straight
you both have an easier life next year
yes, if only Inno would realize what talking to me gets you

I still needs hugs
anybody should just dive right in
first hug
keep the prayers coming
I got past part of it
now to just clear the rest

here's to feeling a little bit walked on
by a genius no less
and i do mean genius cause he is
heres to my mentor and hero
just cause stalter tells you
that you are too talented to teach high school
i saw fuck you stalter you are ruining U Iowa
to Janiece, Cody and Teej
you guys rock my face on and off
janiece watch how friendly they are
when they lift you by your ass
Cody, keep on punching my stomach/belt
and making racial slurs
Teej be careful to not be funny
cause you arent and funny wont work for you
i meant it you arent funny
:i was smiling while i wrote Teej's::

i need a hug.
i need prayers for deliverance
anyone?

hey i am not where you think i am. i am not sure wether i want to be there or not. i am just looking around. trying to look at every option because thats SMART.

btw, hey couples, you arent helping my struggle and you really arent hurting just not happening. i am being attracted to people that i normally wouldnt be attracted to because the people are one happier than i and two they have someone. i just want Gods arms to come down from heaven and pick me up and make everything ok. so that way i know its totally possible. cause i really dont have the faith that it will all end ok. so God if you can hear me, bring me hope and faith to my life and fill it with love. anyone who reads this think about it if you arent religious and if you are religious, pray for it.

thanks

the mood changed again. i just want to scream until i bleed from my vocal chords. why do i listen to myself when i speak from two areas if not three... why do i do things wrong and somehow try to rationalize them by saying that god is in control i mean he always is... but come on even when I do things wrong? can someone help me out on this. everybody pray about me please. i need all the help i can get, in every area. sweet lord.

i keep falling, i must rededicate myself to God. I think my falling could be linked with how much activity has occurred with homosexual persons in my life namely the amount of non sexual activity involving them. Also ever since PRIDE I have had an issue with someone. And I fear talking to him about it. I cant beleive what he said and I feel like him in turn agreeing with how I felt was a total cop out. Just cause I associate with persons involved in something doesnt mean I am that originization or what it represents. I also have been looking around me lately and finding that I am gettin that feeling of loneliness ie the Lord's presence isn't strongly felt in me right now. when i am strong with him I feel no emptiness. I dont feel lost but I feel as though a part of me is missing. I know that I cannot fill that void with someone wordly it has to be someone greater than everything. leaving one option, God. but it is still hard for me to look around and see face to face relationships as well as relationships that are also purely sexual. it makes me rethink my morals, ethics and life...

do i want to teach music, people say it drives people away...
would i be happier as a slut than as someone who is more sexually conservative...
should I take time to see if any gain can come from a face to face relationship...
should i spend this much time on music now just beacuse it will help later...


and anyone that is remotely awake, sorry if this is bitch, can tell that this email is a literal fight in my brain. i mean come on between who and who. GOD and the devil. its that easy. I refuse to fall again so soon. REFUSE.

harmonic minor solfege happy birthday? don't you wish you were here? btw i love reading peoples blogs on here and myspace. it is windows into their souls like facebook... see you all at pride i'll be with my mentor and amazing author chad thompson...