sometimes i deal with a bout of depression. lord knows how long they are gonna be. but they are gonna be. thats all that i can really know. trodge on against tomorrow. and work for the better day. and the day where i trodge less and less. as i become a better person.

cantamus calms the savage beast. or my soul.

it is the 4 o clock hour. i am bored. not tired. and i dont feel like doing anything gay. this is a great moment!

here's to a bit of re-creation.
i no longer have earrings.
i got a new blog format.

so heres to the rest;

dear homosexual persons
if i like you
please dont like my friends
and then run off with them
and then if you are my friends
please dont run of with people i like
people that are doing the sweeping
you are not my friends truely
people that are being swept
you arent worth it

apparently people with the name John are cooler than most
John Miller and John Peitzman
congratulations on being amazing and being straight
you both have an easier life next year
yes, if only Inno would realize what talking to me gets you

I still needs hugs
anybody should just dive right in
first hug
keep the prayers coming
I got past part of it
now to just clear the rest

here's to feeling a little bit walked on
by a genius no less
and i do mean genius cause he is
heres to my mentor and hero
just cause stalter tells you
that you are too talented to teach high school
i saw fuck you stalter you are ruining U Iowa
to Janiece, Cody and Teej
you guys rock my face on and off
janiece watch how friendly they are
when they lift you by your ass
Cody, keep on punching my stomach/belt
and making racial slurs
Teej be careful to not be funny
cause you arent and funny wont work for you
i meant it you arent funny
:i was smiling while i wrote Teej's::

i need a hug.
i need prayers for deliverance
anyone?

hey i am not where you think i am. i am not sure wether i want to be there or not. i am just looking around. trying to look at every option because thats SMART.

btw, hey couples, you arent helping my struggle and you really arent hurting just not happening. i am being attracted to people that i normally wouldnt be attracted to because the people are one happier than i and two they have someone. i just want Gods arms to come down from heaven and pick me up and make everything ok. so that way i know its totally possible. cause i really dont have the faith that it will all end ok. so God if you can hear me, bring me hope and faith to my life and fill it with love. anyone who reads this think about it if you arent religious and if you are religious, pray for it.

thanks

the mood changed again. i just want to scream until i bleed from my vocal chords. why do i listen to myself when i speak from two areas if not three... why do i do things wrong and somehow try to rationalize them by saying that god is in control i mean he always is... but come on even when I do things wrong? can someone help me out on this. everybody pray about me please. i need all the help i can get, in every area. sweet lord.

i keep falling, i must rededicate myself to God. I think my falling could be linked with how much activity has occurred with homosexual persons in my life namely the amount of non sexual activity involving them. Also ever since PRIDE I have had an issue with someone. And I fear talking to him about it. I cant beleive what he said and I feel like him in turn agreeing with how I felt was a total cop out. Just cause I associate with persons involved in something doesnt mean I am that originization or what it represents. I also have been looking around me lately and finding that I am gettin that feeling of loneliness ie the Lord's presence isn't strongly felt in me right now. when i am strong with him I feel no emptiness. I dont feel lost but I feel as though a part of me is missing. I know that I cannot fill that void with someone wordly it has to be someone greater than everything. leaving one option, God. but it is still hard for me to look around and see face to face relationships as well as relationships that are also purely sexual. it makes me rethink my morals, ethics and life...

do i want to teach music, people say it drives people away...
would i be happier as a slut than as someone who is more sexually conservative...
should I take time to see if any gain can come from a face to face relationship...
should i spend this much time on music now just beacuse it will help later...


and anyone that is remotely awake, sorry if this is bitch, can tell that this email is a literal fight in my brain. i mean come on between who and who. GOD and the devil. its that easy. I refuse to fall again so soon. REFUSE.

harmonic minor solfege happy birthday? don't you wish you were here? btw i love reading peoples blogs on here and myspace. it is windows into their souls like facebook... see you all at pride i'll be with my mentor and amazing author chad thompson...

sittin down
and trying to write
how i feel
when all the time
i know i am held back
for reason
but i feel without reason
i fell
and fell hard
and just kept on falling
i know i am not lost
but i am easily distracted
from the straight and narrow path
that i am trying to walk
but ya know
i put myself
into situations and dont walk or turn
away from them
so waht do i expect
a different world?
no
i can accept what i have done
because it cannot be changed
for once in my life
its not about right now
but its about the end
but without right now
there will be no end
so heres to trying to walk
the straight and narrow path
but when i fall
i will not cry
but rather look and learn
and grow from the experience
cause whats not to take away
from a negative experience?

when i hear and see people joining together as one person. especially a man and a woman, it leaves me with a sense of being lonely and lost but at the same time, it give me hope, cause if anyone around me deserves happiness, that means I should too. Right?

Read The Book: http://www.lovinghomosexuals.com
Go To The Website: http://www.inqueery.com

i cant be happy
apparently
not with just one thing
but all
apparently
i dont want what i have
i want what i cant have
why should i want at all
why should i dream at all
why should i hope
why should i care
why should i try

cause god does
hard to hear
not much comfort but one day it will be

i keep falling
the music to my ears
is not something that is pleasing
i fall
and i feel nothing
more than anything
i feel so strapped
with negative thoughts
this is not a quick change
it is a slow change
i must persevere
i must keep going
and not the the scars of falling
keep me from anything

tonight i thought that maybe people run from me in part because i challenge so many people so much

i think i can never say i love you enough and to me thats a great problem to have

i fear the end of this academic year, wow havent felt this in a while

i have these negative thoughts across the spectrum and i dont know what to do

why is christian music so true

why did i get chills when i listened to Promise

show choir gives me focus that means that its a good thing right?

i dont like falling beind
i dont like failing
i dont like waiting for word
i am impatient
i dislike a lot
too much

i like being impatient
i like being on track
i like passing hey, evening getting a's
i like knowing

elation

oh to be over him. he still was a part of my life that was needed to see the things i saw, and learn the things i learned. but now i see what he says and laugh. i hear the things and they sound crazy. i see what i never saw in him. thank the lord. i am my own. not his. he is part of me.

Pretenses and expectations
set by those outside of you
remember I am not that man
I am not my man nor that boy
I do not wish to be what
found myself to be of late
thats not wrong
at least I dont deny it

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Praise be to God the father and his son.

Let strength fill me and hope overflow.

Let me be more like you, every day.

Sleep embraces and life moves on.

hope for a better day, through you.

so, neat! this past week really did go well. things i need to do this week.

Learn "Old Red Hills Of Home" from Parade for Musical Theatre.
Go To SOV: My Fair Lady rehearsals.
Learn "Putting It Together" from Sunday In The Park With George for Musical Theatre.
Go to ALL classes this week.
Inspire Inno at Rehearsal Monday night
Work on Take Home Test for 337
Go To Iowa State Singers Rehearsal with Anton Armstrong on Tuesday night.
Write Brass Composition for 337
Go to Cedar Rapids on Saturday, for the double day!
Download all listening for 120
Get back on to the arranging horse.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am very close to my one week goal of abstinence! WOOT! How dorky and amazing is that? Very amazing and very dorky. But NOTHING is wrong with dorky. Remember I am in music, nothing we do make much sense in the mainstream.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear God,

I thank you for the strenght you have given me thus far. Tomorrow evening will pose much challenge in every way. My goal was one week, please do not let me falter beyond that. I now call for more strength to continue. Continue beyond my goal. This will help to show how great you are. How people can do anything via your help and encouragement. I will be able to apply that to many things, work, voice, piano, school... everything. Thank you.

Amen

To Do:

-Have an odd but real conversation with my estranged-ex
-Get a reccomedation for judging in Indiana
-Have a near breakdown then come flying out
-Become closer with a person whom we never expected to be closer with
-Hang out with choir directors wife for Thursday morning



oh this week in my life

lately it seems to blow to be in competition. i dont care what kind and what for. it just seems that competition for anyone that deserves to do well hasnt. and in the end shouldnt the judges of these competitions be looking to themselves and noting that they are the ones failing those who deserve it. instead we seem to give the awards and accolades to those who put nothing behind what they do. it is sad. it makes me not want to have a group in competition ever. which is ever more sad because we can learn so much from competition. but learning in so many situations anymore means taht we must feel a negative emotion first to gain something from it. death to sadness/loss to get to the happiness of the fact that the person has moved on to better.

bah i just dont know


plus being gay still isnt fun

dear god,

deliver me more strength to serve you better. and allow me to defer sinful behavior from my life.

amen