so this is where i am at
i still feel
energy stifled
which in turn leaves me feeling emotionally constipated (thanks for the verbiage kevin)
so right now
i have been quiet
and really unable to express myself
which BLOWS
i read a fair amount today during day 1 of tour
which by the way
i hated
cause i hate choir


i still feel very alone
in just about every sense
and i felt a really nice embrace two times today

i say to myself
as well as others
this town is absolute parp for people like me
whether i believe it or not i think isnt debatable
but whether or not i have accepted is
is another story

why cant i find someone that even
fulfills a single criteria
that i hold

maybe its cause i despise most gay men
that are around this area...
i'd like to say i know that i deserve one
but i cannot say such things truthfully

and even when i ask opinions from other people
and get the answer i wish to hear
i dont accept it as truth
because for some reason i think they are lying?
or if they arent
they must be the only one to see it as such

and now it seems i cannot keep focus
or clearness of mind
so i will be done

so if you are reading this
and for some reason thinking that this would be great to send to someone
really
go fuck yourself
this is my space
i dont hand this link out
for a reason
this is theraputic for me
and when i get told my a councelor to write my opinions and thoughts here
its for MY medical benifit
so really
bite me

this is for me
not for you
this is me getting it out here
this isnt for you to get me in trouble

have you ever wanted to cry out
in agony and angst
to attempt to tell the world
how you feel
and you know that no words would escape you
only unpatterned and indistinguishable noise
but we hope
that someone
within range
will hear it
and listen
and make sense of our incoherency
who is that person for me
can i be that person for you

i wish that people would realize
the impact of touch

tonight i did lay with a man
for less than 10 clicks of a clock
and it was enough
to warm my heart
remove the anger from my heart
and focus on the life
that i was interacting with

this man was no one that i am in love with
it is a man that i love
like many people that i love


it is people like him
that make my life worth it
people that i can help
that can also help me

people that help to fulfill and two way street

it was a moment
that turned into one of those hopefully passing times
where you feel incredibly unwanted
like no one finds you worthy
where the thoughts creep into your head
and you know they shouldn't be there

at least you know well enough to say they aren't true
and feel that in your heart that you're right about it


i guess it is one of those times
that help you to find yourself

but not to measure yourself by

I Believe In You and Me
I Believe That we will be
In love eternally
Well as far as I can see
You Will Always be the one
For me (Oh yes, you will)

And I believe in dreams again
I believe that love will never end
And like the river finds the sea
I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe In you and me

I will never leave your side
I will never hurt your pride
When all the chips are down, baby
Then I will always be around
Just to be right where you are
My love, you know I love you, boy

I will never leave you out
I will always let you in, boy (mmm, oh baby)
To places no-one's ever been,
Deep inside, can't you see?
That I believe in you and me

Maybe I'm a fool
To feel the way I do
I will play the fool forever
Just to be with you forever

I believe in miracles
And love is the miracle
And yes, baby you're my dream come true
I was lost, now I'm free,
Oh, baby cuz i believe, i do believe, in you and me
See, I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe in you and me.

------------------------------

what a song
what a voice
and its all there because of love
and all of her second chances
are because of love
i am full of it
love that is
give me a second chance
for the last time
no more lives after this
i will do it this time
no promises
no word
just results

some people just do things right
and sometimes the people that
have this information disseminated to them
do it well
and sometimes they dont

everybody has a purpose
and a niche
and thats important
for identity
but who is to say
that things cant change
a testing of waters perhaps
a change of pace
anything is possible
am i right

cause we are supposedly capable of anything

sometimes all i want to come home to
is not my home
not my apartment
but another's
to slip into bed with the one i love
to be able to slip into their bed
and even sleeping know their embrace

what it is to lay with someone
it is merely exquisite
i have known it so few times
which only makes it's meaning greater

i long for companionship
for someone to make me better and i them
for someone to eat with and sit with
to wake with and tire with

to have someone to sing to me
and whisper to me sweet things
to have someone who writes me
and causes my nose to itch
and my stomach to excite

to have my problems be fixed
to smile and know that all will be mended
no questions asked
no consequences

but it seems that the latter is impossible
i am powerful beyond measure?
how do i tap into that