sometimes i think i would be better off without gay friends
just because i meet someone
and then they meet that same person
and i become second or third rate
but even then
i would much rather go through life with gay friends
than without
and let's be honest
i have the best gay friends that anyone has ever seen or heard of
and i am catching up in looks
and when the day comes that i am "equal"
i will not be vain
honesty and karma walk hand in hand
and god reigns through me with his will

i miss the you i've seen
the you in my mind
i have always thought was there
the one in front of me
is not you
not the real you at least
without the quips
the bullshit conversation
this person you appear to be
isnt you
you are better than this
in nearly every way

i miss him
i am over emotional
today... it was a hard day
when it gets late
i feel more
or maybe its not more
maybe its just perception

i find myself coming to grips with new revelations of myself
involving what seems to be feelings for men
from the same area
what is it about urbandale
why dont i just be more male
by that i mean simple

if only the stereotypes are true

i am at times
presented with such temptation
i sit alone
at times
with others to whom i am attracted
do i act
when under the influence of lifes throws
no i did not
why
inner beauty
better purpose
am i wise?
what would have happened
why dont i ever just find out
fearing to be that guy
the guy who is so shallow
but still yet cares not
if others know
of his doings
and misdoings
making him a whore
shameless
i am not that man
i dont want to be
and i keep myself from being
him

oh hell
it sounds like someone i know
someone i have loved

i have never been provoked by someones life
so much that i wish to hit them
normally i personally am being provoked by the person
this time
its her decisions

--------------------

it makes me so angry watching perfectly good people
act as fools do
close themselves off
disallow growth
and shove opportunity

----------------------

why is it that i lack all direction without goals
and why do i need someone else to help me set them?
what is it that i cannot seem to do it myself
set the goals and achieve them?

----------------------

i know good people
i just wish i could see them more
or that they would come home
it would be nice to be near this people
spend more time with them
grow more with thim
but such is life
this is not my plan
it is not my life
its a ride that i am on
and happy to enjoy and not enjoy
to learn and grow
to become better
at all costs
even if that means that i grow
beyond
the rest of the pack and feel as though
they cant catch up
they will
eventually
and it will be all the sweeter then