My mind says to drink
on a wednesday
my gut says not to
I go to the place where
it all is supposed to be
and find that I feel as though
I should not be there and might as well
leave
I take pictures of things I laugh at
knowing that they are not truely funny
I watch the alcoholism
I stare at one
ignore another
what does it accomplish

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My days are riddled with a battle withing
of god and satan fightin over me
for a while, it seemed I was doing well with god
but now, satan seems to be winning the past couple days
by saying such does it make it true?
by not capitilizing either of their names
what does that say?
I defile and degrade myself and soul
I make my insides bleed and god shed tears
is that what I want?
is that what Caleb wants?
Clark?
Burton?
Cale?
Aaron?
my family?
is that what I want?

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I pray for deliverance
I ask for guidance on this journey
give me the strenght to ignore
give me the strength to put it to rest
give me the strenght to resist thoughts
to close my mind to evil
let yourself be the protection for my mind
I have seen more than ever intednded by you
I am wiser than ever expected
I am better than ever expected
all because of you
thank you

AMEN.

I can see all I wish to see now
and feel nothing negative
a laugh escapes my lips as response
what does that say?
I am over it and you?
How does that feel?
How do I want it to feel?
I am above it
I am below it
God is all around it
and in me
I will be saved
and will be happy

I dare the world to listen to the Real Group's song, "Gota" and not feel something. A song sung by people who are highly capable of forming words, singing a song, self composed with no words. But large meaning to all who listen to it. Maybe not the same meaning, but meaning none the less.

It brings thoughts of; hope of deliverance, pride, joy, love, laughter, frienship, contemplation, and endless more. To just close one's eyes and sink into the music is phenominal. Make's the world a little smaller, which we all need.

somedays i feel as though life gives no care to me
I pray that God guides me through this
and delivers me from what I see as negative
help to give me the strength to carry on
and life to sleep and see another day
in a more positive light
and combat homosexuality in a better way
a stronger way

AMEN

A song with
meaning plays
but meaning is gone
devoid or empty

songs that brought me to tears
no longer do
songs that warm my heart
no longer do
songs now hit the ear
and do just that

however, more and more
god seems to warm my heart
fill it to the brim and overflow
and I am more content to let it happen
more each day
for the rest of my life

I find it more and more
that boys in packs
follow the dullest one

I find it odd that
for as many "friends"
as I seem to have
I have not one to call

More and more I find
that the concept of being gay
because all I want is a man
to tell me they love me
as they hold me in their arms
to be true

I am glad that I cannot say
the things that I once said
about you and I and God
I am glad I can look at you
and not feel the overwhelming
feelings of loss and despair
I am stronger now
that I was before
and even yesterday
I am stronger "alone" for now
I walk never truely alone
always another set of prints
beside my own
who I feel more each day
will remain a friend nevere a foe
forever with me
I dare a person to say the same
and have it be true forever

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God grant me a life without today
without the gay
without the hate
without the drugs
without the alcohol
grant me a day where I am stronger
than the day before and the day before
continue to grant this prayer I send up
to you
let me continue to grow in faith and hope
and know you more and more each day
so I am stronger
and better than ever before
Amen.

I cant sing for a man who does not feel
nor in an ensemble that does the same
I cannot lust out of emotion
I miss Caleb so much it hurts
Why cant I just be teaching already?
I have seen and heard such beauty
Why do I feel that I have experienced so little?
I pray to God knowing now that it is God to whom we pray
yet I do not have the faith to know he is listening
or act upon anything I pray for or about
I cry in agony over all that mulls in my mind
knowing no answers of a life confused and lost