i quit my job at johnston

free time is all around me

get my money in order

so i can get my travel plans in order

Tara & Terry take me over

the world seems to be moving forward quite beautifully

i got my urbandale fix and would like some more
my family vaca to the OC wasnt bad at all
the whole money thing seems to be working out
i have two weeks left of classes and plenty of time to bust my ass

sweet

do it and finish well


reward yourself

suprisingly i still can take being asked,

so where do you go to school?
whats your major?
how is that going for ya?

blah blah blah

i dont like meeting new people that i have no or next to no affinity to.

i know my parents mean well

but right now

i am just seeing what they are doing

is tearing down my plans



oh christmas just got harder

accept how i currently feel

i found a high schooler attractive this evening
i found a friend, i think, attractive, and i think he found me attractive too

i am attached to a lot of people emotionally.

i give a lot out and don't get much, if any back

but all of my feelings for anyone, are still overshadowed by him

I want to be fluent in the language of my people. No bull shit, I want to be able to speak so well they have no idea where I grew up.

I want to sing in French and German.

I will do these things.

I think I want to drop my education major. Not to say that I would never teach, but I dont want to take 266.

VOMit

what have i left behind?

what am i missing out on now?


regardless, facing foward

i move onward

toward the future
knowing that where I have bee
what i have learned
can only help me

brighter days
brought to us all
by thought

dip all of me in rubbing alcohol
clean me and let me dry
when i am no longer damp
allow me to fly free
stretch my wings and soar


oh to fly
and not to worry
how close you are to the sun
for fear your wings
will melt

"Icarus was not an achiever..."

I am

I will be

nothing for granted

everything for learning

help me off the ground

and i will cut the sky

with my silverly form

i am a bit vain

i should look better

but in the meantime

i know i miss him

i am disguested with what he was wearing
because what he is wearing who he believes himself to be
and i know it not to be true

i am saddened by my appearance and deportment
feeling second rate and left behind and unattractive
i think about you and know nothing but assume everything

leave social situations early
supress comments for fear of a scene
thats me

i beg that i be removed

eva cassidy calm my soul
depressed repressed and opressed
i feel all of these things
when i do wrong
i pay for it
and i know it

i miss being naive sometimes

here's me being a little boy.

it does bother me.

here's me being a big boy.

i lied about it not bothering me and I am sorry.

i wonder how long it will take for me to tell him...

if you feel that you are in love with someone
and you dont love yourself

you are wrong

a person should be alone
until they can function on their own
and after that point
they are allowed to date

no one is alone.

nothing a person does is ever alone

Samuel Barber is a genius. His ballads are beyond all beauty.

I miss Ted, Elyse and Melissa already.

Andy Lamp IS my best friend.

I wish I could write like Pablo Neruda.

I suprised someone tonight.

Singers sometimes vocally masturbate, but it is still pretty sometimes.

you feel far away

and you are

and i am sad

about what?

probably that

ugh.

thank god for fall break

i miss him

i want to kick my boss

i need to practice everything more

i finally feel frustruated with Hannon

i'll wait to celebrate another year

some things have fallen into place

the rest of my life needs to do the same.

if it's not him. i don't want it.

staying true. doesn't mean i have to stay blue.

kill me. with prayers. kindness. life so beautiful.

everything was confusing before

my stomach dropped out

i drove to ames

i got eyed by someone so much

that i might as well have been having sex with them

everything is more confusing now.

i am loved. and i believe it.

first off
yes i was devastated
that lasted a short moment
i freaked and slightly hyperventilated
thats fine
it was needed
but now
i look at it as
if it happened, it was meant to
i have no control
i can not even be mad at anyone
cause wether or not i deserve it in my own eyes
it would have happened
so here is to a rededication
to kicking my own ass
spiritually
mentally
academically
vocally
here is to a new me
that in the end
is better
for all of it

i may like a boy
which may not be the best

but i cut my hair
and prayed to God
that my life would start over
and thus far
it is new
and amazing
and about the boy
he will lead me to my answer
and through my actions
to where i can be happy

tonight i was at a gathering of persons. i was one of two persons who describe themselves as homosexual. a girl was speaking to the other person who drescribes themself as homosexual and said, "there are no other gays here."

i rejoiced

and

i cried.

to the struggle

no not a toast

but a prayer.

i feel like i have more reason
to feel more in every direction
you took a single risk that i saw
and then took another
now i found another risk
and someone who is just as into you
as i am
the jealousy did spike
but was overshadowed by the fact of this risk
two times now i have seen you over a wire
synthetic site with real information
i wish you would just out with it
but you are gone too soon
people will react yes
some well some not
but in the end the ones who stay with you
are the ones who truely matter
and i am not going anywhere
like it or not

what is this feeling?
so sudden returning to me?
the feeling wanting me to return
to where i grew up
driving a hole
into the pit of my stomach
i for some time
had been fighting a feeling
of attraction to the gendered
and thought i had made serious progress
but when i heard about you
it took me back to where i was before
not destroying past work
but a path back
so here i stand
at a fork in the road
one leading forward
one leading backward
but the backward path
guarentees nothing
who says if i turn
that the world will fall
in place as i have in my head
who says he will turn to me
and the distance would hurt
i do remember the past
i know right from wrong
but the feeling
pulls me apart
to choose
is a battle
neverending

sometimes i deal with a bout of depression. lord knows how long they are gonna be. but they are gonna be. thats all that i can really know. trodge on against tomorrow. and work for the better day. and the day where i trodge less and less. as i become a better person.

cantamus calms the savage beast. or my soul.

it is the 4 o clock hour. i am bored. not tired. and i dont feel like doing anything gay. this is a great moment!

here's to a bit of re-creation.
i no longer have earrings.
i got a new blog format.

so heres to the rest;

dear homosexual persons
if i like you
please dont like my friends
and then run off with them
and then if you are my friends
please dont run of with people i like
people that are doing the sweeping
you are not my friends truely
people that are being swept
you arent worth it

apparently people with the name John are cooler than most
John Miller and John Peitzman
congratulations on being amazing and being straight
you both have an easier life next year
yes, if only Inno would realize what talking to me gets you

I still needs hugs
anybody should just dive right in
first hug
keep the prayers coming
I got past part of it
now to just clear the rest

here's to feeling a little bit walked on
by a genius no less
and i do mean genius cause he is
heres to my mentor and hero
just cause stalter tells you
that you are too talented to teach high school
i saw fuck you stalter you are ruining U Iowa
to Janiece, Cody and Teej
you guys rock my face on and off
janiece watch how friendly they are
when they lift you by your ass
Cody, keep on punching my stomach/belt
and making racial slurs
Teej be careful to not be funny
cause you arent and funny wont work for you
i meant it you arent funny
:i was smiling while i wrote Teej's::

i need a hug.
i need prayers for deliverance
anyone?

hey i am not where you think i am. i am not sure wether i want to be there or not. i am just looking around. trying to look at every option because thats SMART.

btw, hey couples, you arent helping my struggle and you really arent hurting just not happening. i am being attracted to people that i normally wouldnt be attracted to because the people are one happier than i and two they have someone. i just want Gods arms to come down from heaven and pick me up and make everything ok. so that way i know its totally possible. cause i really dont have the faith that it will all end ok. so God if you can hear me, bring me hope and faith to my life and fill it with love. anyone who reads this think about it if you arent religious and if you are religious, pray for it.

thanks

the mood changed again. i just want to scream until i bleed from my vocal chords. why do i listen to myself when i speak from two areas if not three... why do i do things wrong and somehow try to rationalize them by saying that god is in control i mean he always is... but come on even when I do things wrong? can someone help me out on this. everybody pray about me please. i need all the help i can get, in every area. sweet lord.

i keep falling, i must rededicate myself to God. I think my falling could be linked with how much activity has occurred with homosexual persons in my life namely the amount of non sexual activity involving them. Also ever since PRIDE I have had an issue with someone. And I fear talking to him about it. I cant beleive what he said and I feel like him in turn agreeing with how I felt was a total cop out. Just cause I associate with persons involved in something doesnt mean I am that originization or what it represents. I also have been looking around me lately and finding that I am gettin that feeling of loneliness ie the Lord's presence isn't strongly felt in me right now. when i am strong with him I feel no emptiness. I dont feel lost but I feel as though a part of me is missing. I know that I cannot fill that void with someone wordly it has to be someone greater than everything. leaving one option, God. but it is still hard for me to look around and see face to face relationships as well as relationships that are also purely sexual. it makes me rethink my morals, ethics and life...

do i want to teach music, people say it drives people away...
would i be happier as a slut than as someone who is more sexually conservative...
should I take time to see if any gain can come from a face to face relationship...
should i spend this much time on music now just beacuse it will help later...


and anyone that is remotely awake, sorry if this is bitch, can tell that this email is a literal fight in my brain. i mean come on between who and who. GOD and the devil. its that easy. I refuse to fall again so soon. REFUSE.

harmonic minor solfege happy birthday? don't you wish you were here? btw i love reading peoples blogs on here and myspace. it is windows into their souls like facebook... see you all at pride i'll be with my mentor and amazing author chad thompson...

sittin down
and trying to write
how i feel
when all the time
i know i am held back
for reason
but i feel without reason
i fell
and fell hard
and just kept on falling
i know i am not lost
but i am easily distracted
from the straight and narrow path
that i am trying to walk
but ya know
i put myself
into situations and dont walk or turn
away from them
so waht do i expect
a different world?
no
i can accept what i have done
because it cannot be changed
for once in my life
its not about right now
but its about the end
but without right now
there will be no end
so heres to trying to walk
the straight and narrow path
but when i fall
i will not cry
but rather look and learn
and grow from the experience
cause whats not to take away
from a negative experience?

when i hear and see people joining together as one person. especially a man and a woman, it leaves me with a sense of being lonely and lost but at the same time, it give me hope, cause if anyone around me deserves happiness, that means I should too. Right?

Read The Book: http://www.lovinghomosexuals.com
Go To The Website: http://www.inqueery.com

i cant be happy
apparently
not with just one thing
but all
apparently
i dont want what i have
i want what i cant have
why should i want at all
why should i dream at all
why should i hope
why should i care
why should i try

cause god does
hard to hear
not much comfort but one day it will be

i keep falling
the music to my ears
is not something that is pleasing
i fall
and i feel nothing
more than anything
i feel so strapped
with negative thoughts
this is not a quick change
it is a slow change
i must persevere
i must keep going
and not the the scars of falling
keep me from anything

tonight i thought that maybe people run from me in part because i challenge so many people so much

i think i can never say i love you enough and to me thats a great problem to have

i fear the end of this academic year, wow havent felt this in a while

i have these negative thoughts across the spectrum and i dont know what to do

why is christian music so true

why did i get chills when i listened to Promise

show choir gives me focus that means that its a good thing right?

i dont like falling beind
i dont like failing
i dont like waiting for word
i am impatient
i dislike a lot
too much

i like being impatient
i like being on track
i like passing hey, evening getting a's
i like knowing

elation

oh to be over him. he still was a part of my life that was needed to see the things i saw, and learn the things i learned. but now i see what he says and laugh. i hear the things and they sound crazy. i see what i never saw in him. thank the lord. i am my own. not his. he is part of me.

Pretenses and expectations
set by those outside of you
remember I am not that man
I am not my man nor that boy
I do not wish to be what
found myself to be of late
thats not wrong
at least I dont deny it

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Praise be to God the father and his son.

Let strength fill me and hope overflow.

Let me be more like you, every day.

Sleep embraces and life moves on.

hope for a better day, through you.

so, neat! this past week really did go well. things i need to do this week.

Learn "Old Red Hills Of Home" from Parade for Musical Theatre.
Go To SOV: My Fair Lady rehearsals.
Learn "Putting It Together" from Sunday In The Park With George for Musical Theatre.
Go to ALL classes this week.
Inspire Inno at Rehearsal Monday night
Work on Take Home Test for 337
Go To Iowa State Singers Rehearsal with Anton Armstrong on Tuesday night.
Write Brass Composition for 337
Go to Cedar Rapids on Saturday, for the double day!
Download all listening for 120
Get back on to the arranging horse.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am very close to my one week goal of abstinence! WOOT! How dorky and amazing is that? Very amazing and very dorky. But NOTHING is wrong with dorky. Remember I am in music, nothing we do make much sense in the mainstream.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear God,

I thank you for the strenght you have given me thus far. Tomorrow evening will pose much challenge in every way. My goal was one week, please do not let me falter beyond that. I now call for more strength to continue. Continue beyond my goal. This will help to show how great you are. How people can do anything via your help and encouragement. I will be able to apply that to many things, work, voice, piano, school... everything. Thank you.

Amen

To Do:

-Have an odd but real conversation with my estranged-ex
-Get a reccomedation for judging in Indiana
-Have a near breakdown then come flying out
-Become closer with a person whom we never expected to be closer with
-Hang out with choir directors wife for Thursday morning



oh this week in my life

lately it seems to blow to be in competition. i dont care what kind and what for. it just seems that competition for anyone that deserves to do well hasnt. and in the end shouldnt the judges of these competitions be looking to themselves and noting that they are the ones failing those who deserve it. instead we seem to give the awards and accolades to those who put nothing behind what they do. it is sad. it makes me not want to have a group in competition ever. which is ever more sad because we can learn so much from competition. but learning in so many situations anymore means taht we must feel a negative emotion first to gain something from it. death to sadness/loss to get to the happiness of the fact that the person has moved on to better.

bah i just dont know


plus being gay still isnt fun

dear god,

deliver me more strength to serve you better. and allow me to defer sinful behavior from my life.

amen

My mind says to drink
on a wednesday
my gut says not to
I go to the place where
it all is supposed to be
and find that I feel as though
I should not be there and might as well
leave
I take pictures of things I laugh at
knowing that they are not truely funny
I watch the alcoholism
I stare at one
ignore another
what does it accomplish

----------------------------------------------

My days are riddled with a battle withing
of god and satan fightin over me
for a while, it seemed I was doing well with god
but now, satan seems to be winning the past couple days
by saying such does it make it true?
by not capitilizing either of their names
what does that say?
I defile and degrade myself and soul
I make my insides bleed and god shed tears
is that what I want?
is that what Caleb wants?
Clark?
Burton?
Cale?
Aaron?
my family?
is that what I want?

-----------------------------------

I pray for deliverance
I ask for guidance on this journey
give me the strenght to ignore
give me the strength to put it to rest
give me the strenght to resist thoughts
to close my mind to evil
let yourself be the protection for my mind
I have seen more than ever intednded by you
I am wiser than ever expected
I am better than ever expected
all because of you
thank you

AMEN.

I can see all I wish to see now
and feel nothing negative
a laugh escapes my lips as response
what does that say?
I am over it and you?
How does that feel?
How do I want it to feel?
I am above it
I am below it
God is all around it
and in me
I will be saved
and will be happy

I dare the world to listen to the Real Group's song, "Gota" and not feel something. A song sung by people who are highly capable of forming words, singing a song, self composed with no words. But large meaning to all who listen to it. Maybe not the same meaning, but meaning none the less.

It brings thoughts of; hope of deliverance, pride, joy, love, laughter, frienship, contemplation, and endless more. To just close one's eyes and sink into the music is phenominal. Make's the world a little smaller, which we all need.

somedays i feel as though life gives no care to me
I pray that God guides me through this
and delivers me from what I see as negative
help to give me the strength to carry on
and life to sleep and see another day
in a more positive light
and combat homosexuality in a better way
a stronger way

AMEN

A song with
meaning plays
but meaning is gone
devoid or empty

songs that brought me to tears
no longer do
songs that warm my heart
no longer do
songs now hit the ear
and do just that

however, more and more
god seems to warm my heart
fill it to the brim and overflow
and I am more content to let it happen
more each day
for the rest of my life

I find it more and more
that boys in packs
follow the dullest one

I find it odd that
for as many "friends"
as I seem to have
I have not one to call

More and more I find
that the concept of being gay
because all I want is a man
to tell me they love me
as they hold me in their arms
to be true

I am glad that I cannot say
the things that I once said
about you and I and God
I am glad I can look at you
and not feel the overwhelming
feelings of loss and despair
I am stronger now
that I was before
and even yesterday
I am stronger "alone" for now
I walk never truely alone
always another set of prints
beside my own
who I feel more each day
will remain a friend nevere a foe
forever with me
I dare a person to say the same
and have it be true forever

------------------------------------------

God grant me a life without today
without the gay
without the hate
without the drugs
without the alcohol
grant me a day where I am stronger
than the day before and the day before
continue to grant this prayer I send up
to you
let me continue to grow in faith and hope
and know you more and more each day
so I am stronger
and better than ever before
Amen.

I cant sing for a man who does not feel
nor in an ensemble that does the same
I cannot lust out of emotion
I miss Caleb so much it hurts
Why cant I just be teaching already?
I have seen and heard such beauty
Why do I feel that I have experienced so little?
I pray to God knowing now that it is God to whom we pray
yet I do not have the faith to know he is listening
or act upon anything I pray for or about
I cry in agony over all that mulls in my mind
knowing no answers of a life confused and lost