i will oblige
and hypothesize
however don't go and tell me
what it is
don't give me your answer

i am
as you pointed out
intellectual
and that could get in the way
but i also fear
that it may set me free

my intellect has always given me pause
in this matter
so what am i to do

i believe in love
and happiness beyond all things

i search for them
and run after them
like a child
looking for the rainbow's end

but in the end
it feels fleeting
but the rush of the color
the idea
of the pot of gold
is often enough

i am not saying it is not crazy
but what i am saying is this

without that element
i am not me

not to negate that possibility
of higher effectiveness
or normalcy

but i live in a world
and wish to continue to
live in this world
where those without it
are nothing
and no one

i would not wish upon any great mind
their obsession
if you were to choose that word
to be taken from them

i would never ask for schubert
to be without his need for escape
nor the syphilis that ended him
so we are told

i would never want beethoven
to be without the madness of
hearing loss
driving him into musical derivatives

i would never want to mozart
to be wealthy
nor plain
for it was the 'too many notes'
that made him who he was

and for teasdale rosetti and woolf
i would never take away the darkness
for without it
we may never have heard the full range of emotions

shakespeare without his infallible need
for love

let it be

let it be said of me
that i was one who believed
in sharing the blessings i receive
let them know in our hearts
when our days are through
that crazy is not something to be wary of

it is something to have a healthy respect for and of
monitor it
keep your eye on it
but never hinder that side of you

for it is where creativity stems from

without my 'love obsession'
i could not sing
i could not write
i could not dance
i could not create

at least
that is how i feel

so here we are again
on a road that i know has risks
and not just of going unnoticed
this road can hurt me
and make me want to slow down
but

i refuse to be plain
i refuse to be labeled
and i need to remember

as long as i rise every day
wanting more
of myself
and learning more
and do more
and be more

i am not on the wrong path

let the love need
and let it overflow from me
to where i feel i have given more than i have received
for i once heard
that was the way to live your life
giving
and
loving

i have always wondered
what is it that was wrong
with all of those famous
prolific persons who came before

with davinci they say countless things
and mozart and beethoven as well
what caused hughes to write that way
and poor teasdale and woolf as well

if they were alive today
outputting the same material
what would the reaction be
critical acclaim i think not

what if they had never done what they had
how would the world have changed
would be be able to identify they problems well

is it best to let it rest
their proclivities and insecurities

or should we continue to analyze and take
the mystery
and misery

what would mozart be if not idealistic
and beethoven without hopeful
schubert without the chlamydia and need for escape
and teasdale and woolf without the sorrow

are the labels doing us any good
is the idea and need to regulate everyone
good
let alone necessary

is it better to focus on the product rather than the method

but what if it is the method
that indeed

kills them

i want to say i love you
but i don't seem to know
to formulate the words
once again
so that you may understand

i want to tell you i am better than them
but i know what that would sound like to
ears other than my mind's

i want to tell you to give me your time
only to me
but i know what that request would be
and what it could mean

i love you so much i doubt myself
i doubt my life
i doubt it's worth

i believe i know one thing
in this life
i have known love
better than any one thing

not even despair
can account to the quantity and quality of love
that i have seen
because
despair cannot see beyond its means
the love in my life has been built up so high
it covers the sun
as it covers the world
in a blanket
of perpetual rose

no glasses necessary

try me on for size
for once







the things i want to say
i cannot seem to form
the things i do say
seem beyond topical

all i want to do is love
and die happy

question

does being what seems to be
the solo gay
in the area
make you gayer
or straighter

or does being in a gay centric community
make you gayer

concentration by solitude
or
concentration by proximity

random idea

selfish
the words ring out
across space
in the darkness
void of light
seemingly endless
much like the feeling
of complete
and utter
selfishness

how could i want something so single mindedly
i want him to myself

it is amazing what my mind does when it comes to him
he lifts my heart so high
and empties my mind

but following that moment
my heart decends
and what i believed to be empty
merely
could have been the parting of the clouds

this year
will be nine years

of being out
and being in love with him

what is this life that i lead
why do i feel i seemingly stand alone

and why has love
and life
by standard definition
thwarted me so

i speak the line
first as an outpouring with no control
second as a negotiation asking for the slightest bit
and third in defeat

never let me stop
never let me cease
never let me go away

two plus weeks
little to no noticeable change
my patience draws short
yet my attention span seems to grow

i want nothing more than to escape
to take the time
that is needed
to make myself
as whole as i can be
today

to run away
for quiet
and meditation
to push out
look in
take stock
and find that
what i have inside of me
is all that i need

but i need to nurture it
let it grow
maybe that
may make all the difference

push out
breath in
release
relax
let go
let love

i am getting very bored with
being disappointed in people

i am given what i most likely
could be given
for what i had wanted
for this period of time

and yet
i am going to bed
more depressed
than when i started